'all I want for Christmas is you'

It is just going fabulous. No other way to describe it is needed. 

Yesterday, I was driving my car and the radio was on while playing 'passer Noël ensemble' which means 'to spend Christmas together'. And that is what will happen in two-week-time. I am going to spend Christmas time and New Year's Eve with James Bond. We have been together for six months and we will spend our first Christmas together.

If I complain about anything in this relationship please, slap me hard. Until I understand how lucky I got to be.

'you only live once?'

‘Now that we broke up I have more time for my friends, for going out and for having some social life’ told me my friend who had broken up with her boyfriend after around five years – this is the same couple that I wrote about in the previous post.

The first thing that made me wonder was why she said she had more time for friends and social life having finished the relationship… Is it unfeasible to have both - a successful relationship and friends with social life as well? Can’t we have it all? Can we live our lives twice at the same time? Or is it incompatible to have the one and the other? And if we can have it all is it only for a short period of time? Until the days when we become boring, resign from exciting lives because we think we cannot have it all and then we buy a house in the suburbs, furnish it with IKEA stuff and then get a dog of labrador breed? Let me just remind you of the swinging couple from a few posts ago.

And I want to be like them.
Excluding the swinging part obviously.

‘relationships are not forever’

I know a couple who had been together since before the day I had met them. And I met them more than five years ago. They had been together for all those years. Until the day when they decided to finish it. I don’t know the reasons behind that but isn’t this really frightening to hear that people part after so much time of being together? On the other hand - as someone said - it is better to finish an unfulfilling (even if it is a very long one) relationship than to carry on and be stuck in it. The sooner you finish it the less time of your life you will waste. Despite that I will never stop asking myself the question of when we should continue on trying to save a falling-apart relationship and when to stop doing that and acknowledge that it does not have future anymore. When do we know that we should finish it? In my longest relationship that ended right after I left for North Africa things had been going pretty bad for the year prior to the break-up / my departure. I thought I was ready to finish it after three weeks of constant fighting that took place at the ‘beginning of the end’. The ‘end of the end’ took place ten months later while I was abroad. Not because I was giving it chance but because I was not able to say ‘it’s over’ and then execute that. But was it the right decision? Maybe I did not do my best to save it or maybe it was not meant to work out? Maybe both? So when should we give up, break up and stop fighting for something that does not work out? Where is the borderline? Do we do enough? Aren’t we supposed to be together for better and for worse instead of for better or until the road gets rocky? Is it always possible to save a relationship? Or should we just leave it? I guess those sort of questions are only asked rhetorically. No one knows the answers when we have to take that kind of a decision. Or maybe we all know them or rather feel them when we should feel them? No mathematical equation will solve this issue – just feelings?

I did not have the answer while breaking up but I believe I have it now. I have James and I have feelings for him. And these feelings tell me that all I did was fine. Because I am now with him. And nothing else matters.

‘he’s the last of the secret agents and his my man’ Nancy Sinatra

'the living nightlights'

I met with a friend. She is of my nationality and I met her a few weeks ago. She is very cool and we spend great time whenever we meet. Last evening, I went to her place accompanied by a bottle of wine and some Turkish fast food to deal with my hunger. We were together at her place for almost five hours speaking about social life of the city we live in, must-know partying people, our experiences with men, friendships etc - totally SATC conversations. You know I love that.

After hearing some experiences of hers and of some of the people she knows and after telling her about the 'issues' I had in my relationship I realized how unmeaning my issues were.

When we finished the second bottle of red wine I headed back home. Accompanied by the nightlights of the city where I live in. It was surprisingly great to walk down the streets at night even though it was not the first time I had done that. I called James but he did not pick up after two trials. I was on the Square of Liechtenstein when I called him for the third time. I said to myself: 'please answer this phone - this is such a beautiful square of my city. I love this place'. When I was here waiting in my car for this friend three weeks ago I thought that I had an amazing life and that I was extremely happy with all I have - I thought about it on this place. I stopped and I thought about it again: 'please, answer the phone'. He answered the phone. I told him I loved him. He told me the same. For the rest of my way home, I wasn't walking home. I was flying home. I was literally flying on my way home. As if I had wings. I was drawing hearts of the snow on the cars. Around five hearts on five cars. And the sixth one was the biggest - it was on the roof of my car.

Just before getting home I just opened my hair, shook my head and spread my hair all over my head and face. I jumped happily. I got inside and went to bed. I received a text from James saying 'thank you for the call. I love you'

I fell asleep.

'family and other disasters'

I saw a kid at the office yesterday. My first thought was: 'what the fuck? what the fuck is this child doing here?'. I felt awkward when she looked at me. Later that day, I was in the kitchen waiting for my cup of hot chocolate when I saw some photos on the notice board. Those were the pics from a company social event showing happy kids playing together and having fun. I felt weird again.

Why does a simple settled down life in a perfect house in the suburbs make me feel some weird and not-wanna-do-that? Perfect couple, two kids, a car, a great job and then a strong feeling in my stomach saying not to end up like this. Ever! Am I not the marrying type? Am I not the family person? Was I too fast to ask James about the marrying issue? Maybe it's not for me...

Or maybe it is… but not in the standard way usually expected by the society and family and provided by today’s culture. When I was living in the Northern Africa I once met a couple. He was Dutch and she was Ukrainian. They met somewhere in the former Soviet Union. They got married a few years ago and from that day they lived in a few countries. When I met them it was their fifth year in the Northern Africa. They left a few weeks after me for Armenia where they started new jobs and new social lives. Why did they decide to move to Baku, Azerbaijan? Because they were done with Northern Africa and they just wanted to change their lives. No other reason. No family in Azerbaijan, no better job prospects than what they had there. Just a pure desire for changing the environment to a country slightly more exotic than old and predictable Mother Europe. They also had a kid. I got to meet the boy at one of the fabulous swimming pool parties that they would throw every now and then. Smart and cute boy who thanks to double nationality and living in a bilingual country could speak more languages than me at the age of six. Everything would be perfect but the fact that they were swingers. However, excluding this fact that I will never have in my life I guess they had the perfect model of a relationship that I would certainly like to apply in my life.

So maybe I can settle for the type of a family that the couple managed to build. Who says I should live all my life in the suburbs in the same perfect house near the same boring city?!?!

Can’t I change the countries every five years? You just do it and go ;)

'a view to a love'

Before the dramatic James-never-called-drama that happened 2 days after I left the European-Asian city where he lived and the same drama that turned out to be my wild imagination I had spent a lot of great time with him in that unquestionably beautiful city.

I went there once almost one and half year ago and did all the must-see touristic places (I started this blog there!!). Last week I decided to ignore the city. When James was at work, I was sleeping till noon then had an afternoon rendez-vous with him (if you know what I mean :) and a lunch together. Later, I was hanging out in different cafes all over the city and reading an amazing book (‘The Kite Runner’ by Khaled Hosseini).

Everything was perfect.

I got to meet his new colleagues and as usually I liked them all. I liked his new flat. I got a lot of assurance from him regarding our common future. We even had our first clash (not the drama I had already written about) and again thanks to honest and sincere communication we ended up totally reconciled with some learning for the future and knowing each other a bit more. I am fine with the fact that clashes will always be part of any relationship but I cannot stand that some people do not know how to handle them later. Luckily, neither James, nor me are those people.

During the last day, we took a boat and went to the neighboring islands. We ended up on the biggest one with picturesque architecture, breathtaking views of his city from the top of the hill, no cars but only the culture of biking. We biked until the top, where an old monastery/church was build centuries ago. We sat on the edge of the hill and watched the tank ships moving and the magnificent view of the city in the distance. To make it even more romantic we decided to go back to this place whenever we were in the city.

Probably, the amazing day and the great previous days made us not want to part, then sad about that and voila! - Another drama began (starting with the when-do-we-get-married question). That drama was also quickly solved and now I know I have nothing to worry about. I will see him on Christmas and New Year’s Eve again.

Last night conversation with some friends of mine about long distance relationships only assured me how very lucky I had been with James for almost 5 months of constant physical separation and despite that the relationship is going very well. Most of people either break up or go through very difficult times. I do not have either of those. And I will not have them. And the most important thing is that even though the distance is hard to deal with, I know I love him, I know he loves me. That makes it way more bearable.

How lucky I am!

'the word is not enough'

Saying ‘I love you’ is a very special moment in any relationship. When it is said for the first time it becomes a very memorable moment. In my previous relationships I would wait long enough to say these words (sometimes the words were never said because the relationships were broken way earlier…). With James, I would just say that whenever I felt that way which was quick. Did I decide that to say this? Or did it just happen itself? I really don’t care.

I suppose the most stressful moment is when you say it the first and then you wait for the reply. James said back the ‘love’ word which obviously made me very happy. But later he would sometimes use ‘like you’ again. Sometimes like, sometimes love. I would always find it weird but didn’t want to bring up this issue (don’t want to act like a drama queen even tough I am one – just not to make it even worse than it is). Then he would also often use the ‘we are dating’ expression. With my far from being perfect/fluent knowledge of English I was pretty confused. Are we in a relationship or are we dating? Isn’t the relationship thing more serious than dating? He then explained me that even tough he would use dating he meant relationship.

The end of my like/love dilemma was when he said he liked his mum. Parents are supposed to be loved and not liked. I am sure he loves her but he just didn’t express it properly. And then it occured to me that I always say ‘I love you’ to all of my friends. To James as well. So what is love? What is like? What is dating? What is a relationship? Where are the differences?

I guess that human emotions and feelings are so complex that no language on this world can properly express them. So why should we care about words? Feelings are way more important.

And those I feel and I get are more than fabulous.

:)

'from Europe/Asia with love'

You are the drama queen. Young and sweet! Only 24!

Gmail is genius! Did you hear me laugh at gmail because it popped up the stupid ‘dating without drama/he never called’ ad? I am telling you! Gmail knows what it’s doing. I deserved this ad. Because I am a drama queen.

Read the story.

I went to see James in the country where he lives now – right on the border between Asia and Europe. I was there for six days. We spent a fabulous time and all was perfect. Last evening just before going to the airport, we were tired, stressed (long story but unimportant here) and sad because of my departure. I was trying to keep the conversation and I asked the inevitable question. It was half seriously, half in jest. ‘When do we want to get married?’ If it was seriously then I only wanted to know whether he was a marrying type. I did not want to propose to him (we both think it’s too early now). But he got kind of pissed off and replied ‘ehhmmm, in 2050’. I got sadly quiet. He noticed that of course. Later, we clarified that issue and he eventually said he would marry the person he thought would be the one. And for the moment I have good chances to become the one. I should feel safe. Then he saw me off to the airport and sent a sweet message at the end just after I disappeared in the departure gate. The next day I called to get even more sufficient evidence of how insignificant the ‘2050’ reply was. All should be fine.

But…
No message yesterday during the day. I started getting worried. Had I scared him off? It is really hard to hear from someone that you have scared him/her off. When it happens you usually get no contact from the person and that’s how you get the confirmation that you have actually successfully scared someone off. So I had all those thoughts yesterday. I analyzed it with my friends. I talked about it. I asked questions. They asked me after hearing that everything was actually going fine: ‘so what is actually wrong?’ I replied: ‘he didn’t call or text me today’. They gave me a lot of support and objective opinions. I shouldn’t be worried at all according to them. But still… I was worried. Somewhere deep inside I couldn’t get the thing out of my head. Was he out of love for me?

And then I got a text message from an unknown number from the country on the border of Europe and Asia. It was from James. It read: 'Hey, I wanted to send you a note to let you know I was thinking of you. I am out of credit. Love you'. You can imagine how happy it made me, can’t you?

He was not out of love. He was out of credit.

I am a pathetic, foolish boy. And I am loved.
The former is funny. The latter is fabulous.

I have, you have, we have

Something really meaningful happened to me a few days ago. It made me realize some things about myself.

A friend of mine and I went for a weekend to the capital city of the neighboring country. She stayed at her friend’s place and I stayed with mine. But before I met up with my friends I stayed with the friends of my friend. Those friends have been married for a couple of years. The wife is not into anything related to the modern technology. She hardly uses emails let alone facebook. They have a computer. There was a connection problem and she obviously didn’t know how to fix it. I thought it was not her computer. I asked:
- Is it your laptop?
(a short silence)
- Your husband’s? – I continued
- No… It’s ours! – she said with a sincere smile and a bit of surprise on her face.
And then I realized. They had been together for years so why would the laptop belong to any of them only? It was their common property and it was obvious. As much as I am into relationships (especially mine) I have no concept and idea whatsoever on merging assets. I don’t know how you do that. It is so weird me for to live in a flat that belongs to two people and not to one of them. It is so awkward to posses the common things. It is so normal to lend/borrow some money and then give it back/claim it. I cannot understand how it works.

Is it possible to learn that? Does it come with time? Do you need to have some agreements?

Who I really am

I have a gmail account (otherwise I wouldn't be able to run this blog) and if you use gmail services you have a lot of adsense ads there. They basically track your emails and adjust their content to the one of your emails.

Here is the ad that I have just noticed:

Why Didn't He Call? - www.DatingWithoutDrama.com - Learn How To Understand Men - And Beat Them At their Own Game!

How should I comment on that? - Read me your emails and I will tell you what kind of person you are...

hmmm...

'the World is not enough?'

It's been 4 months that I am involved in the relationship with James Bond. It has been going great. We only managed to see each other once for a week since starting to be together at the end of June. Luckily, I will see him in 1 week and then we will spend Christmas and New Year's Eve together. Despite the distance, I cannot complain about anything. We love each other, understand each other, and have the common vision of our lives and of us together. I have never been in such a healthy and good relationship before.

All is great but it does not mean that I do not miss my single life sometimes. I think that genetically human nature is not monogamist. We are programmed to extend our species and thus have many children (or just sex and no children). I am not an exception. I look at the guys passing on the streets. I have the animal, subconscious (or maybe conscious?) desire to do something with them. I wonder whether all the new men I meet are gays or not. I sort of miss the days when I could go for a party, meet a random guy, have a sweet and cute conversation and later jump into a cab and go to a more private place. I think of playing some stupid games.

Why do I have to feel that? I have a great relationship and nothing more is needed. James is my whole world – so why does it sometimes feel like world is not enough? Why I do I have the feeling of wanting to conquer some new random territories (and dump them once they’re conquered)? Is it really part of the human nature? Or part of my nature? In my longest relationship, I was able to restrain myself from going further than thinking. And unfortunately, that was until the moment when things started to fall apart. When the relationship was not going fine I was more liable to fall for another guy. My philosophy was that if things were going bad there was no point in being faithful because the relationship was not perfect anymore. So it didn’t matter whether the relationship was less or a lot less than perfect. Fucked-up, isn’t it?

So now, I am afraid. The things go very well now but will they be so for very long? Relationships are about ups and downs. ‘For better and for worse’ and not ‘for better or until the road gets rocky’. Don’t I have to skill for fighting for it when it becomes really difficult?

Luckily, I also have a lot of very strong feelings for James and I hope that even despite their evolution over the time they will always make me take care of him and the relationship itself. And I also hope that these stupid feelings that I have will not grow any stronger and gradually vanish to make me realize that indeed the World IS ENOUGH.

'does your mother know?'

There is always a moment in a relationship when it is time to present your partner to your parents. In my case, it is not that easy. Although I told them about me being gay more than seven years ago they still don't accept that. They are perfectly aware of that but they will simply never acknowledge that. In fact I thought that after all those years they would be ready to do that. I guess I was more than wrong.

On Friday, I sent them an email as a reply concerning taking a bus I should take from here to my country right before Christmas. I wrote:

Hi,
Yes there is a bus. If I take it on 23 Dec I will arrive the day after in the afternoon.
And there is something else I would like you to know. I want to come home with a friend. Actually he is my boyfriend. He is from North America, I met him in North Africa and now he works in another country in Asia. I will go there to see him in 3 weeks. No one has to know the truth except for you. I know that this might come as a big surprise. He is really cool and I would like him to spend the Christmas with us.
Think of that and let me know.

Right after, sending that email I started having doubts. "Was it right to send it? It has been only 4 months that we are together and maybe it is a too big step to take right now. I would be a bit embarrassed / ashamed in front of my parents if James and I broke up." I had to immediately call him. I felt insecure. I had known all the feelings he had for me but I guess I wanted to hear them again. He was very supportive and made me sure that whatever would happen he would always be there for me. He said he treated us very seriously and that it was the best relationship he had ever had. It calmed me. I realized that I should have no fears regarding the email I had just sent. It is my best relationship ever as well. The amount of honesty, understanding and compromises makes it so much more healthy than anything I was ever involved in before. The alignment of our visions of our lives and of a relationship just perfectly enables it to work out. We are pretty alike shaped by the similar kind of experience we went through last year. And we also want this relationship to work out. I should not be afraid. Of course there are always situations that can happen out of the blue and destroy everything. But for the moment at least there is nothing that I could expect to threaten our relationship.

Yesterday, my mother replied. Under any circumstance does she want to see him at my home. I should have expected that. I was not surprised actually. Neither sad nor depressed. A bit disappointed though. But it does not influence my relationship at all. It will go on no matter what people think. After all, it is me who is in a relationship with James. It is me who feels great with him. It is me who is happy. And people around should be happy for me if they truly want my happiness.

me, myself and I

It is really interesting and surprising how I judge others versus myself in the very same situations and based on the same criteria. The results are completely different. I guess I am doubled or trippled or whatever!

I started my new job on the 1st of September. I work in a corporation where according to the general perception one can never have their free time and where your personal life is the subject of disrespect. That obviously negatively affects your personal life.
It’s hard to say that my life was destroyed from the amount of work so far (which can always happen in the future but I assume it will not). I don’t work more than needed, there is no rat race and people are always very nice and helpful.

So what are these initial observations? I joined the department as one of 11 newcomers. Out of them, 10 are in a relationship (including me). Isn’t it a very promising result for the future generations? When I listen to the other workers I will just hear “my girlfriend and I”, “my wife”, “my husband”, “our children”. They all or most of them seem to live in the small cities/villages or suburbs of the capital (of the Kingdom I am living in now) with their girlfriends or boyfriends and the future just looks like “and they live happily ever after.” (I cannot imagine of something worse than living in any of these places, especially suburbs).

I feel kind of irritated by these people. I find them more boring. I am sometimes surprised to hear the length of their relationships or the fact of being married! I also kind of appreciate people who are single and who feel great about it. I don’t feel that anymore though when I realize that a person considers staying single for the rest of her/his life. And it’s here where inconsistency starts. Because, I do have to admit how inconsistent I am in this thinking. I, myself, am in a relationship. I am very happy with James Bond. I could get married to him right away if we had an opportunity. And I would never find it irritating, boring or surprising. I would be genuinely happy for us – more than happy I am sure. I could sacrifice so much. Why then do I feel all these kind of negative feelings for my work mates? I need to stress that it is not the case for my close friends. I would always be truly happy for them and their partners whenever they got one. And I am so happy for myself! Why can’t I be happy for the others? Maybe it is because I value my friends way more than some new random work mates? Maybe it is because of rejection of anything related to settling down in one place - especially in the city where I have been living for a couple of weeks? Because of rejection of anything related to my new work place and new lifestyle? Or maybe because of the fact that my relationship is better (according to me) and different than the standard ones (because of its international aspects – coming back from two different places, meeting each other in one country, living in other countries now, planning to live together in some other countries in the future)?

Any ideas?

'I’m so excited! I just can’t hide it!'

Small things make you happy. And hamdullah (thanks God in Arabic), we have them from time to time!

I was sitting in my hotel room (I was sent for some company trainings to the country in Southern Europe where I met Mr Charming last December) and typing some emails to my friends when I got a text from James Bond saying: “I wear your jacket a lot. And sometimes I imagine it is you holding me”. For your info, it is a jacket of mine that I didn’t really like to wear but one that he liked a lot so I was more than happy to give it to him (not because I could get rid of an unnecessary clothe but because I was happy to give him something he liked).

While I got the text I was listening to Pointer Sisters “I’m so excited! I just can’t hide it! I’m about to lose control but I think I like it”.

Indeed, I am very excited. Happy as well!
And no further elaboration is needed.

bonding with James Bond :)

James Bond arrived in here last week. (for those who don’t know after having left Northern Africa I went back to my home country for two months and afterwards, 2 weeks ago, moved to one of the European capitals in the Western Europe). He came here last Sunday (7 Sep) for one week. We were both very excited to see each other, especially after two and half months of separation and a long-distance relationship. But we were also very anxious at the same time. We met in the Northern Africa last February. Then we met again at the movie shooting (yes, we were both extras in a Hollywood production). Later, we would always end up at the same parties or meet by chance in the same places having many friends in common and being neighbours at the same time. And the last fabulous in the Northern Africa week when I realized he was gay and when we hooked up and started our relationship. It was all like a glamorous movie where were not extras but the leading roles. We had drinks in the most fancy, classy and fabulous places in the town. We hanged around with the most cool, smart, cute and intelligent people. The atmosphere of One Thousand and One Nights was everywhere to be felt. Then I had to leave the Northern Africa which was way more difficult than I would have ever expected. I cried a sea of tears to say good bye to my friends, my house, my lifestyle and especially – my newly met boyfriend. The come back to my home country was like travelling back to past. Usually coming back to the past was a nice and a nostalgic experience. It wasn’t in that case. I felt so confused and it was so hard to re-establish my life in the place where I was brought up. I made it though but with a lot of challenges and confusions. Luckily, the relationship with James Bond was going very well even despite the distance. We were very excited to see each other after around ten weeks. But as I said – we were anxious at the same moment. What if it wouldn’t work out anymore? All the magic of One Thousand and One Nights would be gone. Our friends were not there. Our favourite city hot spots were unreachable. It was just us. It was only the two of us who were the same elements of a magnificent story in the very different environment. I drove to the airport to pick him up. I was happy and scared at the same time. I arrived a bit earlier and was standing at the hall of arrivals. I was watching all the passengers coming out in order to spot him. My heart was beating like crazy. Then after almost one hour of waiting I noticed him – he was walking pretty quickly, carrying a lot of baggage and being very tanned after more than a month trip to Western Africa. My heart bit up again. I approached him and gave him an innocent kiss. Having helped him a bit with his luggage we headed towards my car. After initial few minutes I had the feeling that everything was fine. I was so happy to see him. And so was the week that we spent together. Full of funny conversations, smart and cute jokes, going out for a dinner or a drink, meeting with my friends, walking and hanging around in the city. Just fabulous even if we got the spent the evenings only as I was working during the day. And the sex was so amazing. We both got laid after more than two months of celibacy. Everything was just so amazing. But the most important thing was that thanks to the long conversations we had I got rid of most of my fears and concerns. I am not so much afraid of long distance relationship or of the next year anymore. I know that we love each other strong enough in order to be and live in the same place next year. Wherever it will happen to be. And I am sure we will do it. Because he is an amazing person and I will do my best to keep him in my life.

I love you.

'for your eyes only'

James Bond is coming to the town tomorrow! Yaaay!! I haven't seen his since Jun 23 when I was still in the Northern Africa. I'm so excited. I'm also proud of ourselves. We survived such a long period of not being able to see each other. We have succeeded. Meaning we have high chances to survive this year! We're gonna have a fabulous time here!! It's happening now!!

'you only live twice'

I do kind of live twice. 'Cause I am doubled. There are two me. One of me is rational, the other of me is very emotional. They both know about their existence but don't really listen to each other. What are the symptoms? Listen to the story.

James Bond went for a trip to Western Africa. I went to see my grandma before leaving for the capital of the Kingdom I will leave as of September. I didn't have Internet access for 4 days. I also (don't know why) can't send him text messages from my mobile. Our trip meant we couldn't stay in touch because he had limited access to Internet too. It was only possible thru emails - actually only for him because I was cut from all the civilized stuff such as Internet. I was ok with us being split for a few days with no possibility of any communication. But when I came back home I tried on calling him. His mobile was switched off. I had no emails from him. I only saw some activities on Facebook meaning he was alive. Rational me wasn't worried. I knew his feelings for me and didn't have any things to worry about. I thought he might have troubles with getting connected. But the emotional me was concerned. Why no emails? Why the phone is not working? Why? Why? Why? Maybe, he doesn't want me anymore. Maybe, it's over. Thousands of thoughts. And then last night - an awful dream of us breaking up. I woke sort of relieved that it was just a dream but on the other hand pissed off that I had head full of stupid thoughts. There was no communication between rational me and emotional me. The latter one didn't want to listen to the former. It just cumulated all the confusions and negative theories in my head. Later, I got an email from him and chatted a bit on line. Of course, everything was totally fine. No need for worries as rational me was saying. Emotional me was a drama queen again.

Why is it happening? Why can't I "switch off" stupid emotions? Why can't I think and act reasonably? Maybe, it's the matter of practice? Do we have to insist on finding problems when so many things say we will not find them? Why do we attribute things like lack of emails for a few days to lack of love? It's all fucked up. I'm fucked up again. C'est le fuckin' moi!

Luckily, I won't be complaining too much. It's not happening so often. The miscommunication between rational me and emotional me is not the case every single day.

I will survive.

'and I am telling you I am going'

It was inevitable. After coming back I had to do it. I didn't want to but it was like a must. I don't want to tell you why I had to. Just believe me that I did have to do it. I was postponing the moment of finally doing the thing. Before, I came back to the country I was afraid of waking up some warm feelings. Luckily, my reversed-cultural shock was so huge and the way I hated my home country was so strong that I didn't feel like coming back to the past. But still... You can't imagine how difficult it was. I was waiting 1 month to do it. When I finally decided to do so I couldn't stop thinking of that. When the moment came, my legs became soft and I could barely walk. I was in a shopping mall trying to find a bench to sit on in order to do it. My heart was beating like crazy and my hands were shaking. And then finally, I did that. I dialed the number and... suddenly I hung up. I redialed it. That time he answered. He was so cold. I told him briefly that I just came back and then the main purpose of the call. Then he said:
-Is it the only reason that you're calling me?
-No, I would like to see you and talk to you after more than a year, but I'm just afraid you won't accept that.
Silence. I was waiting a while for the answer when I realized that he had hung up on me. I was trying to call him again but no answer. The same with texting him – no answer. So I deleted his number. I am over him and I am happy to cut off this 4,5 years of my life. No, not the whole period. Just him. I met too many wonderful people and I achieved so much within those years. I only cut off him.

At the point of breaking up, I was ready to believe that I can't be in any relationship anymore. Because I am too complicated and too fucked up. And it was him who made me believe that. And I am not. Luckily, I didn't have to wait too long to learn that about myself. The stupid belief that he started in me finished quickly. And I was also afraid that I would always make the same mistake, follow the same pattern and chose the same type of a guy (an asshole, saying simply). And this is bullshit too. Although I broke up twice last year after my first break up (summing the number of break-ups in 2007 to three... sad statistics) my two other boyfriends were not the same types of guys. They were different. And I'm still in touch with them. Our relations are healthy. And my relation with the 4,5 years boyfriend is not healthy. It doesn't exist but when it did hardly ever was it healthy.

I'm so over you. And even the song that we were listening to while making love is not bringing any memories of you. Before, it would remind me only of you. No, it's just a song that I really like because it's nice. Oh no sorry. It reminds me that I can be over my own past. The past that I want to erase. The past that I actually erased. Even if I remember things I will have no bad feeling in my stomach. It's like erased, isn't it?

is there a pink elephant in the room?

A few days ago I logged into Facebook and I saw some new photos uploaded by one of my friends from Morocco. She was quite open and used to describe herself with the word scandalous. She was a party animal. Intelligent, beautiful, open-minded. We have a common gay friend.

So the pics - the wedding, my friends, a traditional clothes and a traditional party... and the groom... who is gay... and just got married with a woman...

I was speechless. I saw the wedding of my gay friend. I still remember that during a swimming pool party that he threw for our friends he told me how one guy (that I know) had fucked him near that pool when his parents had been gone. And I saw a pic of another gay guy with whom I slept too. He was a wedding guest.

All of that was so disgusting to me.

Even when I found out that the girl is lesbian or bi, that they know about each other and that they agreed for that wedding to arrange everything so that they can do their stuff freely and have their separate lives whereas the marriage is just the cover - it's for the society. I understand why they did that (I lived there and I know the attitude towards gayness) but still I can't just accept that.

It's not the first time that I hear such a story but it was so shocking to see a friend taking part in that. I just didn't expect that.

There is so much hypocrisy in this country. The last weeks after I left it, I was only missing it. I didn't forget what I didn't like there but I just didn't have these bad thoughts anymore.

It's still very fucked up in many cases. I hope it will change gradually and soon...

'the spy who loves me'

Long time no hear! Sorry for not updating you for almost a month! In this case, "no news is good news" is totally applicable!

It's been more than a month that I'm with James Bond. I think I can objectively say that the relationship is going very well. Although, we haven't seen each other since the first days when we started dating, we've been constantly in touch (texting each other everyday and skyping a few times per week). We have the similar vision of the relationship and of our lives as well. I'm happy when he is happy and vice versa. There are no negative feelings (not to mention total lack of any toxic aspects that I had experienced with the others). E.g. he is happy when I'm having fun at any party and I like when he goes out. It wasn't not the case with the guy with whom I was for almost 5 years. What I really value in the relationship is the amount of commitment - I love when I can feel that both parties are involved in the same way or with the same attitudes. "We love each other the same way" putting it in the simpliest words. There are good perspectives for post-long-distance phase as well. The list of the good things is longer.

I can't wait to see him in Brussels on 7 September.

The relationship (mainly the break-up) with the English guy gave me one fear. No matter where and in how romantic surronding you start, the next time that you meet this magical atmosphere might be totally gone or faded. It was the case when I met him for the first time last August in magical Istanbul and then saw him 1,5 month later in gray (then) Rabat. That was the end of this short relationship. I met James Bond in magical Rabat and I am sure I will have a fabulous time with him in magical Brussels! The history won't be repeated. 'Cause there have been some changes...

how I met James Bond

St Valentine's day this year

My friend invites all her friends over to have couple of drinks before going to dance in a nightclub. I am there and he is there. To be honest I barely remember him. He sits far from me and talks to someone else. I remember his face but not really talking to him.


End of February

It might seem a bit unusual but we both are chosen to be extras in a Hollywood production shot in the neighboring city. We meet at the costumes fitting. He says he rememberes me. And for me his face is familiar too. We both figure out that we saw each other at our friend's place about two weeks earlier.


Beginning of March

The movie filming goes on. I keep seeing him a lot of times and we once sit together on the bus driving us for the movie filming and he tells me some stories about his home city. I figure out that we are neighbors living in the same area of the city. It is then when his friend calls him James Bond. She soon becomes one of my best friends.


March, April, May

We often end up at the same crazy parties thrown by internationals living in our city. The expats community is pretty small and everyone knows everyone. People are awesome despite age or material or marital status. Me and him do not go out together but rather meet each other at these parties. I give him the address of this blog and I know he follows it. He once invites me for a small drink with his friends at his place.


16-23 June

My last week there.
Monday evening. I decide to cook something for 4 of my girlfriends. I am pretty stressed because it is the first time I actually cook for so many people. I am also tired after the long day. The food is delicious and everyone enjoys it. I am relieved. One of them proposes to go out to our favorite bar/restaurant with live music. No one really wants. I hesitate. I tell her to drive me back home. On the way there, I change my mind. I sit at the table with the friends of my friend. I am still tired and kind of cannot catch the connection with people. I am a bit bored. Then I see James Bond coming and I think that at least I can talk to him and say good bye before I leave the country the next week. We start talking and drinking. And talking and drinking. About love, sex, life, relationships etc. Usual SATM conversations. Then I asked him if he ever had sex with a guy. He does not feel comfortable but he admits that he did. I think that he is a straight guy who was just curious to taste a man. That's ok. My gay radar sucks as you can see. Then he says he wants to finish the party but not necessarily finish the night. He gives me that look. I know what is going on. We go to his place. A fabulous night. Then we have a breakfast on the beach. We talk a lot. I spend with him my last 7 days and 7 nights. We go out together and introduce each other our friends. During the last days, we start talking about us. And then we decide to be together. Despite the distance that will soon part us. We are in touch everyday. We wil see each other in September. And then more times later. When we see it is working out we will try to find a common country to live in. Doesn't really matter for me where...

I am so happy!

I am negative

On Monday, I went to take the HIV test. Luckily, I didn't have to wait for the result too long. It was only on the next day. It is negative. I'm so relieved.

It was a nightmare to wait for the result. I was freaking out. I was most of the times pretty careful but I can't say I was super careful. The doctor conducting the survey before taking the blood told me that I was in the high-risk group. Because oral sex without condoms. She said it was a mistake to think that you can't get HIV like this. It's also dangerous and it's better to give/receive a blowjob with a condom.

It was such a relief to hear that the result was negative.

Now, I know I will be more careful.

There are 3 ways to protect yourself from getting HIV:
-stopping having sex,
-being faithful to one partner,
-protecting yourself with a condom.

I have already chosen. It's the second one.

no more medina... no more sex

I left the North Africa last week. It was painful to say good bye to the places but especially to the people. There will be no medina anymore.

I thought that coming back to my country would mean having a very "dry" sexual life (meaning no sex at all). That's actually the truth. I have and will have no sex here. But it's not because of the place where I am. It's because of someone I met during my last week there. Someone special. Someone that will have a huge impact on the content of this blog.

I will soon explain you how I met James Bond.

sex and another city

On the second week of June I went to Paris. I decided not to visit a single museum or take any photos. I just wanted to hang around, see my friends and drink. I didn't look like a tourist at all. I was asked for the directions twice when I was alone and twice when I was with my friend who lived in Paris for a few years (and was never asked for directions before). That was fun. I hate looking like a tourist. I love looking like a local but at the same time being aware that I am not. It's cool.

I had a lot of fun there. If you know what I mean.

On the second day after my arrival I went to the gay neighborhood to check the places. I wrote down some of them found on line. It wasn't difficult to find them. It was easy to spot them seeing many cuties sitting there. I entered one and asked for something to drink. The bar-tender blinked his eye to me. I was watching the people. I had the chance to establish an eye-connection with some of the guys but I didn't do it. They weren't worth it. Then on the way back to the metro station I met a guy. It was an eye flirt. However, no follow up later. I came back home.

I returned to this area later with my friends. We went to another gay club. I was walking around the club to hunt someone but it was me who ended up being hunted. A Mexican living in Paris. Very charming and seductive. We quickly went to his place. On the way, we were walking thru the city kissing and making out everywhere. I slept at his place until noon. In the morning he disappeared to give English classes but then he returned to his tiny apartment where I was still sleeping. We had a lunch and then went to have some ice-creams. Then we exchanged contacts and separated.

The next night was crazy too. My friend with whom I was partying all the time was a bit tired. We were at Montmarte where I didn't know any gay places. We finished the drink at 1 AM and she wanted to go back home. I didn't want to. I desperately wanted to get back to the places where I partied the night before. I walked part of the way myself and then caught a bus. I ended up in the same pub where I was the day before. I bumped into the Mexican and his friends. I went with them to another place where I met a cute and young French boy. The Mexican was jealous. I don't like that so I abandoned him and escaped the place with the French guy. We drove in a cab thru the city. At some point, we passed the Eiffel Tower which made me think "gosh! I'm in Paris!". His flat was awesome! A double spacious living room with a huge windows overlooking the garden. I was only imagining me throwing coctails and parties for my friends there. Sex wasn't exciting. The guy was adorable though and I guess he kind of fell into me. The next day we went to see the Eiffel Tower (I had this idea when I saw it the night before) and Saint-Germain-des-Prés. Then, I came back home.

It was fun to be with these guys but to be honest I had more fun with my friends whom I met there. It's obvious that friends are more valuable than guys with whom you have one-night-stands...

sex and/or love

I just found this post in drafts thinking that it was published on January 7. Never too late! Enjoy it!

I did it again yesterday. The Internet, the chat, the cam, the desire, the telephone numbers, the apartment, the sex. Another country on my list.

At some things he was really bad (kissing), at other stuff fucking good (email me for details - not to publish here).

It was a good fuck overall. But... again a lot of thoughts (I think I need a brain surgery - I think definitely too much).

So, the first thing. Do I really need random sex? Do I need to spend so much time chatting and then meeting people and having sex only? We barely spoke. Pure fuck only. I wrote once that sex is a skill. You need to work on it to achieve satisfying level. I mean two people need to work on that together. If you meet another person you usually have to start working on that from the scratch. That's mostly my experience. The first fuck is rarely as good as the next ones (I mean still with the same person) when you acquire some knowledge about the person, his expectations and his favorite games :) Then you're both masters and sex is a fucking great experience. You (I) barely meet people with whom sex is great at the first time. Maybe it's about the fucking expectations that usually mess up many areas of your life??

Anyway, sex is usually much better with your life partner than with random person. And it's not even about skills, experience or learning each other. It's about the feelings! Yes, I didn't expect from myself to have such conclusions... Even in my 4,5 year relationship, I mostly had fabulous sex until the end. The same with my last ex with whom the fucking was so amazing as soon as we only learnt each other. And it was not even about knowledge. It was because we had feelings. After sex, we just felt fulfilled (not only in the literal meaning :). We treated it as a diamond on the crown. Successful sex was something that was contributing to our relationship. It was so great to spend a night with him, sleeping and waking up together after great fuck. No, there is only fuck...

ehh... I feel bad being single.

So for now, sex is suspended. I mean I'm not looking for it desperately anymore... Now, it will be sex that should look for me. And maybe sex will find me together with his partner called love?

I hope so! Inchallah!

time to say goodbye

7 days to go. Next Monday, I will be in Spain and on Tuesday back in my home country. My experience is about to finish.

I am sure there will be still sex but there will be no medina... time to say goodbye.

Yesterday, I was invited for another posh party in the neighboring city. Two of my cool friends sang there some jazz and gnawa music. It was in the same city where my ex lives. I hadn't seen him for more than 3 months although we had been in touch during this period. So I called him before and we decided to meet. In the meantime, we were trying to figure out why our second endeavour to be together didn't really work out. I guess we had two different conclusions of that. He thought I didn't care about him having problems and I thought he didn't want me to support him while having those problems. At that point I guess we were both wrong. But it really doesn't matter right now. We are friends and over each other. He is dating someone now and it seems to be going serious. He wants to start his masters in Paris next year so I think it's going to be possible to see each other from time to time somewhere in Europe.

I suppose it's the first time for me where I can be friends with my ex. It's a great thing.

the dirty dancing

Last Saturday, my friend invited me to a really posh and classy restaurant/bar where she and her young apprentice were supposed to sing some jazz (her) and gnawa music (him). They are both fabulous, the place is fabulous and everything is fabulous there.

Although, it is a restaurant with technically no place for dancing the atmosphere was so incredible that people started dancing after having drunk some alcohol. I was among of them obviously. I was so into dancing and having fun with one of my girlfriends that I almost missed the cute guy dancing a few meters from me, near another table. It was my other girlfriend who told me "this guy is a gay". I paid attention to him and saw he was really adorable. Suddenly, we established the eye connection and started smiling to each other. We began dancing in the same way repeating steps of each other. The moment lasted a long while (at least it seemed to me so) and we continued on moving, smiling and blinking eyes. Then, he took a hat and put it on. I started asking him to give me the hat (remember that there was a distance between us
and we used no words to communicate). In the most sweet and cute way, he refused to give it to me. I touched my cheeks starting near the eyes and then going down. It was supposed to show him that I was crying because of not getting the hat. Then I realized my friend had a hat and quickly I grabbed it from her and wore it. Me and my dirty dancer were even - we both had hats. A moment later I gave my hat to my friend and to my surprise my dancer threw the hat to me so I could wore it. We continued dancing and now it was only me who had the hat. I threw it back to him later. The band had to take a break so our dance was over. I waved to him goodbye. That was such a charming dance.

After around 20 minutes I approached him to talk and of course to follow up. We exchanged a few words and numbers as well. I noticed his French was not that good but I just thought that I was wrong because my French was not good either. I called the next day the afternoon. We
met in the downtown. He was late. Unfortunately, I was right. His French was much worse than mine (and I only started learning it a year back). We went to some purely local club and played billards. It was funny and bizarre in the same time. I was trying to get to know if he was a gay as nothing was sure with him. I asked the question directly and he responded "half-half" which I don't actually know what it means in this case but since the reply was not "no" I assumed that he might be a gay.

We also met yesterday. Again in the downtown, again he was late. I was trying to meet him somewhere closer to his place so we could go there directly but he didn't want. And he was late because he misunderstood me saying the hour. I said quatorze (14) and he understood quatre (4). His fucking French is so bad. While waiting for him I met 4 of my friends which only made me realize how small the city I live in is. To my surprise he brought his friend. Normally, I wouldn't appreciate that but at least the other guy spoke better French so I could have a decent
conversation. I was a bit shocked that the other guy knew the owner of my favorite restaurant and knew he was a gay (such a small city although it's the second biggest one in the country and the capital as well). The gay-owner is a really posh and classy person, part of the elite of the expats here. I was surprised that randomly met guy knew him and the fact that he was a gay. And the other thing is that the gay-owner can't come out. Everyone seems to know about him however he never speaks about it loud.

A very charming and sweet beginning of the relation turned into something full of questions and totally awkward. Guys here are very weird. It's time to go back home to Europe where gays are still strange but less and in a more bearable way.

humiliation

A few days ago I experienced the biggest humiliation ever. It happened in the bed.

Me and friend took a spontaneous decision to go on a party to the neighboring city. We felt like partying somewhere else than our city so we chose the economical capital of the country and the biggest city at the same time to be our night spot.

I thought that it would be cool if we met my friend there who could show us some cool places around and then host us at his place. I had called him before (it's my Facebook friend) and then confirmed that he was available. I was of course hoping for getting laid too.

After the party, we ended up at his place (without the friend from my city because she had already found her one night stand) with some friends of his. I was so bored with them and I thought they would never leave. I went to shower. After I finished they were luckily gone. My fuck buddy was tired and didn't feel like doing anything but sleeping. I convinced him to change his mind. We started making out. Suddenly, I heard the door bell. The guy just quickly gave me a blanket and asked me to sleep in the living room. I was speechless. He said he wanted to sleep with the guy that was at the door. I don't remember what he said later but he used the term boyfriend. It was funny to me because I know he has a boyfriend in Europe. I went to the living room extremely pissed off. I couldn't sleep too much. In the very morning, I was woken up by my friend calling me and saying she was ready to go back. Luckily, she wrote down my number in her one night stand's mobile cause her cell was with no credits and dying battery. And so was mine. I was also cashless so I could hardly recharge my phone and take the cab at the same time. Thanks to her call I only had to take the cab. I left the house without saying goodbye to my 'friend'. When I was downstairs I bumped into his cleaning lady who had served us breakfast before. I smiled and said good morning in her native language.

After a while we met in the downtown. Totally wasted after the party and almost sleepless nights. We sat in a cafe and updated each other over a cup of coffee.

Then, we went back home. Luckily, I was not unhappy long enough because of not getting laid and being kick out of the bed. My other fuck buddy helped me with everything. You should never rely on only one fuck buddy. You should have more of them in case one of them totally sucks (and I don't mean the literal meaning of this word). Your risk should be diversified.

:)

whatever you want to get

If you read my blog and get to know my thoughts or problems, you have the full right to think that I may be complicated or fucked up. But at least I think that I am not stupid / childish / pathetic when it comes to relationships with people that I potentially want to attain. Unlike some other people that I have recently met.

Last night, there was a party at my place. It involved my house mates and our neighbors (international people living and working here as us). Among others there was one girl (C.) and two other guys (G. and R.). Both were interested in her. C. wasn't into any of them but to be honest she wouldn't give them any clear sign to let her go. So the guys were trying to hit on her. In the most childish, stupid and pathetic way ever. One of them (R.) was saying that he found her very attractive and then asking her if she thought the same about him (actually I had to translate that from a mix of French and his native language into English so that she could understand everything). Then R. said he was ready to go and live in her country, just for her. I found it funny because I thought he was kidding. But later I realized he wasn't. Later, he asked her to teach him how to play Solitaire. At some point R. left her and a few minutes later the other guy (G.) joined her. They started talking and quickly his hand was around her back. In the meantime, another guy started playing violin and R. came back. He was pissed off that the girl was busy with G. He started screaming on them in his native language (not understood by any of them) to stop being so much into each other and focus on the music of violin which in fact was very beautiful. He was very offensive. They wouldn't even notice him so at some point he stopped. When she was later left by the G., R. started offering her reciting a poem on the roof under the light of the moon. I had to translate that as well. Soon, R. gave up and left the party. The girl was only left with G. At some point, I saw them sitting together with others on the chairs on the roof. At some point she wanted to go the toilet but he wouldn't let her. The conversation was like this:
C. (standing up): I will be right back.
G. (stopping her): No, please, stay with me. Where are you going?
C.: To the toillet. I will be right back!
G.: No, don't go! Stay!
C.: I'm just going to the toillet!! I will be right back!!
And then she left.

A few days ago, my other house mate took a few drum classes and apparently, her drum teacher became very much into her. He started sending her messages like this:

"I think of you one time a day, and each thought lasts 24 hours."

"Hello dear L., how are you? Can I see you tonight? I miss you."

"I close my eyes and I imagine a happy world. I close my eyes and I see your face."

"Giving love unconditionally will bring you joy and peace in your heart... God bless and have a nice trip. Take care and good night."

"Dear L., free sms messages tonight."

"Heart receives love, minds receive wisdom, hands receive gifts, and special people receive my texts. God bless."

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel."

"One day friendship and love met. Love asked, why do you exist when I am here? Friendship answered, I am here to leave a smile where you leave tears."

"Dear L., good morning. Did you sleep well last night? I am in class right now."

After analyzing all these stories - are these men really that stupid? Do they think that with these stupid actions they can really get attention of girls. That is so childish, so cheap and so pathetic. Are they really so retarded that they can't realize it? Is it only the fault of too many drinks? How come you can try to get a girl in this way? It's beyond my understanding. I feel so sorry for them.

I guess I want to be who I am with my fucked-up mind and head full of unnecessary thoughts rather than be as stupid and pathetic as them.

what goes around comes around - part two

I made the same stupid mistake again. I just met some random guy online, saw him 3 days in a row and ended up in bed on the third day (don't worry - very safe sex again). He seems to want more than sex (damn it!). He's very sweet and romantic but I'm not that into him. Now, he calls me everyday to see me. It's really annoying although he's a nice guy. In the meantime, I get calls/SMS from others who want to see me too. I might be very assertive in the work environment and tell people what I think during e.g. a work meeting (giving the feedbacks) but when it comes to relations with my one-night-stands it seems much more difficult... I am rarely honest with them. I don't know how to tell them - "I don't want to meet you anymore" or "Let's meet only when I'm horny". ehh I need to work on that.

Again, I think I should slow down and meet less guys or maybe don't give them my number or give the wrong number... or I really don't know what I should do...

I have the clear vision of almost every aspect of my life - my professional life, my friendships, my family, my relationship - in all of the cases I know what I want and I am on the right track to achieve that. But when it comes to my sexual life I really don't know how it should look like... How should I live it? Should have these crazy one night stands with randomly met guys? Should I limit myself to dating the guys only met during a parties, on the streets, near the mosques etc but never online? Should I practice celibacy? Should I delete my account(s) on the gay dating website(s)? I don't want to ask you for the answers because I know I should find them myself... But maybe you know what I should do in order to find the answers? Maybe a personality test or watching some inspirational movie or taking a piece of paper and asking yourself some questions and then answering them?

It would be better to be in a serious relationship so then I would have a perfect excuse for all these guys and then I would ask them to stop calling me.

But for the moment - does anyone have any idea how to draw the vision of my sexual life?

And by the way, did I write in the previous post that I had no head fuck?

the triangle

The triangle is the word for a threesome in my native language (after the literal translation).

As you might have guessed I had one (yes, my plan not to have to many random sex did not really work out - but! the sex was totally safe and I have no head fuck so it's ok).

The other day I was so horny that literally couldn't do anything else. I saw that one of my ex-fucks was available. He totally ignored me after our first fuck about 3 months ago but I decided to send him a message anyway. He replied. After a short exchange of politeness i.e. "how are you?, I'm good. and you?" I wrote him: "Listen! I'm very horny and I really want a good fuck now. Are you available right now?" He replied: "Listen! I'm with my 2 friends. We all want to do it with you. We can pick you up in 15 minutes." Then I only assured him that I wanted safe sex and after a while he called asking me to go out of the house to see them.

On the way from my house to their car, I met my friends-neighbors with whom I often party or go out. It was after midnight so they must have been really surprised to see me leaving at that hour. I was so nervous and acted in a very bizarre way. They must have seen it. I just told them I was going to meet a friend and then left immediately.

I met the guy a few minutes later. They picked me up and we went to his place. I drank a bit and then we went to the bedroom. One of the guys (it's a pity because he was very cute) was too drunk to do anything so we only had a threesome instead of a foursome. It was good (not bad but not super great either) - I confirmed with myself that I prefer just 2 people (including me) in the bed. It's mostly about compatibility of sexual pleasures. The more people involved the harder is to match your desires with others. Later, after everything one of the guys asked: "shall we go?" I wasn't sure if he meant going to the bedroom or driving me back home so I asked. They laughed at me. They meant going home.

The end.

can't get you out of my head

Am I over you? Right now, I do think so. But is this truth?

I don't really like watching his pictures because he really looks cute on them. I hate visiting his blog because it's just so full of him. Once, I freaked up being on his blog because suddenly a huge wave of memories crashed me. I got so scared and quickly escaped. I'm coming back home in a few weeks. I know I will have to contact him. Will the memories be back? Will I think of getting back together? God, please no! I don't want to! Will I be able to control that? All in all, we spent 4.5 years together...

I am afraid. Not terrified but still there is this unpleasant feeling somewhere deep inside.

In the meantime my another ex keeps contacting me. We've exchanges more than 20 Facebook messages over the past few days. I wonder if he wants something. Or rather what is that what he wants? In one of the email, I wrote that I would be visiting a certain city in Europe in the second week of June. He said he would be there the following weekend and it was a pity we wouldn't be there at same time. But for what? What the fuck does he want from me? I don't care about him (in this case I think it's truth on the contrary with the other ex). And I don't want to investigate why he writes such things because he might think I still care which is not truth. Ohhhh, men are sometimes so complicated.

Am I over you?

making out vs. fucking

I was just about to fall asleep but after a very long and fruitful 2 hours spent on writing on my other blog (the official one), I realized that I have still a lot of thoughts to materialize. It's 4.25 AM but I just can't go to sleep without writing them all down. Sex and the medina will be much richer with these thoughts.

Recently, I've been very critical about my one night stands. I disliked them. You have a nice conversation at a party, you make out, you have the nasty look and then you end up in the bed. And this is the moment when in most cases (not all of them though) it's not fabulous anymore. Sex is not that cool and when you wake up you just wish the person would be gone. Unfortunately, he is still sleeping next to you.

Let's analyze it step by step. Where does it start to become shitty and stop to be fabulous? I think it's when you go to bed, you lie on it and start having sex. Especially, when you are sexually incompatible (happens much more for gays than straight I suppose) meaning you simply like different things.

The solution is simple. Just don't go to bed so quickly! Enjoy the time with him. Kiss and touch but without taking off the clothes. Make out! Have the naughty look in your eyes and keep the interesting conversation full of unclear messages. Isn't it exciting? Isn't hot? Doesn't it turn you on?

What can be more exciting than having sex? Stopping yourself from doing it when it certainly goes in this direction!

I think I'm going to implement it as soon as possible. It's of course more safer and saves you from a lot of disappointments.

This doesn't of course mean that I will stop having sex. I will be just more picky in terms of the candidates. I will also use my regular fuck buddies more - especially if they do a great job.

And when I find Mr Right all the games will be over. There will be no "other guys". I will have sex with just one person and I will even not have to use condoms because we will be both clean and safe.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

head fuck

A head fuck - another term that was introduced to me by my friend. She had quite a big head fuck. She is in an open relationship (her boyfriend is in her country in Europe) and she dated a guy here. Everything is supposed to be fine but she just can’t get him (Mr. head fuck) out of her head.

Head fuck is basically a state when you are confused because of sex and love stories in your life. That’s what my friend is going through.
That’s what I have been facing lately.

Imagine two scenarios of a Sunday / Saturday morning.

Scenario I, version a

Sunday morning. You wake up at one of your best friend place around 1 PM after a fabulous party of last night. Your underwear is wet after swimming in the pool so you just sleep in a “free Palestine” t-shirt that you got from your friend before going to bed (you’re without any underwear). The couch in the living room is comfortable and the sleep is very nice. Then you prepare a brunch together and while consuming you have great conversations about love, sex, work and the life in the Middle East. A while later you help your friend in fixing the kitchen stove and the broken lamp in the hall. Afterwards she asks you which part of the living room should the couch take. You actually have a very good idea how to do it and your friend jokes that you should become her interior design assistant :) After a fantastic early afternoon spent with her you go back home happy to know such great people.

end of Scenario I, version a

Scenario I, version b

Another Sunday morning. You wake up at around 10 AM and straight after you get a call from your friend whom you saw last night (and the night before) at some great parties. She invites you and some of your friends at her place, very close to the beach. After 1,5h her driver picks you all up and brings her to her cool villa in the outskirts of the city just by the ocean. You have a delicious brunch and while consuming you talk about everything. Then you go on the beach with her, her son and your other friends. You keep spending wonderful time. After the beach you're again at her place where you spend time talking together and eating fantastic pasta. After that, before 9 PM she drives you all back home. After a fabulous day spent with her and them you go home happy to know such great people.

end of Scenario I, version b

Scenario II

Friday night. You meet this cute guy at a party and you and him are both interested in each other. You are a bit drunk. Whenever you sit next to him you make sure you can touch him. Later you're in his car driving his friends back home. You are the last to stay in the car. You suggest going to your place and having sex there. You end up at your place with him. Sex is not that great as it would seem to be before. You're both sexually incompatible meaning that you don't like doing the same things in bed and thus it's hard to satisfy each other. Moreover, the guy is weird (hard to explain that) and the sex is not that safe because the condom cracks.

Saturday morning. You wake up and he still sleeps. You hang out with your flat mates in the living room, have a breakfast, check your email. He still sleeps. You do other stuff, have a nap and wake up after 1 PM. He still sleeps. You wake him up and kindly suggest to leave because you have stuff to do. He doesn't object. He's being weird (again hard to explain) and you just wait impatiently for him to leave. You kiss goodbye. Throughout this time you just pray that he doesn't ask for your number. In case he does you already know that you will give him the wrong number. If this plan is revealed you can always excuse yourself saying that you have poor knowledge of the language spoken there. Luckily, he doesn't ask for it. You close the door and wish not to see him anymore. You have a head fuck. After a terrible night and morning spendt together you stay at home unhappy not to be able to turn back the time or erase the last hours.

end of Scenario II

I guess I don't need to ask you which scenario is better to choose?

Both scenarios happened to me within last few days. In order to avoid having scenarios II, I should apply the "shit strategy".
To explain you the concept - we often do things and regret them later. But instead of learning from our mistakes we keep repeating them. And then keep regretting them. It happens over and over again. It's not healthy, it's very bad. In order to break this pattern I accidentally came up with a way to escape the vicious circle. Two of my friends have already applied this rule in two totally different aspects of their lives and success occurred in both cases. You basically think very deeply about how you will feel after you commit your often-repeated mistake (in my case, one night stands with random people who are not worth it and moreover are not worth me). You realize you did it once again after promising yourself that the last time was the last time. You realize it wasn't. You imagine feeling like shit. Feeling like shit because again you were too weak and pathetic not to do it. You compare yourself with the things that you despise. The difference is that at this very moment you only imagine how you will feel after repeating it. You haven't done it yet. You still have the choice. You can prevent it from happening. Imagining what you will feel later stops you from doing it. You know how it is to feel like shit and it's definitely a thing that you don't want to go through. You want to be clean and happy. The "shit strategy" works. You don't commit the crime anymore.

And that's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna have sex unless I am sure I will feel great afterwards. Unless I know the person is worth it. No random, head fucking stories.

sex and the luxury

Yesterday (and this morning) was a luxury time in my life. First of all, I took part in a conference in a fancy, 5-star hotel in the neighboring city (the commercial capital of the country). There was a fabulous lunch in the middle of the conference with a huge buffet. The food was just delicious. There was also a lagoon-blue swimming pool and I only regretted not having taken the swimming suit. So that was "part une" of the luxury.

After the conference (that was so boring), "part deux" started as I called the Facebook guy (met here). After some communication and traffic challenges I made it and was at his big apartment where he stayed on his own. Last time I met him, just after sex, we were lying on his couch, watching TV, smoking cigarettes and eating pizza. It was such a lazy, fantastic "after-sex". Last night, we were not hungry or I didn't feel like smoking so we were just lying on the couch. But the sex was fabulous. Extremely fantastic - I was almost screaming during orgasm. Unbelievable! I was hoping for repeating it after a while but we were both too tired and we just fell asleep. I woke up earlier than him this morning and again I was hoping for a sequel. He was too sleepy unfortunately. So I decided to leave as I didn't feel like lying in the bed anymore. Then his cleaning (and cooking) lady came over and he didn't let me leave. He asked her for preparing us breakfast (last time she brought it him to the bed - until that morning I had only seen such scenes on TV). But first she needed to go to the shop to buy the stuff to prepare it. When she was gone he started asking me "don't leave, I wanna have sex after the breakfast". Well, I was convinced not to do so. I stayed. And we actually had sex before the breakfast - during the absence of the cleaning (and cooking) lady. That was fun!

A few posts ago I wrote that I was bored with having random sex with random people. It's not the case here. I like the guy and I'm having a nice time with him (not only sex). It's a best candidate for being my fuck buddy and a person with whom it's nice to go out and show up e.g. at a party. It's a good deal until I find something serious. Don't worry - I'm not getting too much into him. He's not my type (I don't mean physically), he's not a relationship person and he's in a relationship (an open one I guess but not sure). I know that these last two sound a bit contrary to each other but that's the truth. Who cares? He's just a friend with an expiration date (in 1,5 month once I head back for Europe).

And all these games will be over once I leave. I'm starting a new chapter of my life soon.

the curse of the sex at the first date

A few weeks ago, I did a thing that only showed me how fucked up my life is. The decision I made had clearly its reasons but looking objectively at my life (from an external point) of view just tells me that things are not going too well...

From the beginning. You remember when I met the guy with whom I was supposed to take a nap but ended up having sex? It's here. That day, I had the business meeting during which I met a cute guy. We talked for a while and had some kind of connection. It was Saturday and I also met him that night in my city at a party. His name was K. We chatted a bit 2 days later on MSN. It told him that I lived in a fabulous neighborhood and you could see the ocean from my roof. And sunset as well. After a while we set the hour of our meeting. To watch sunset on the roof and drink coca cola from the wine glasses (he doesn't drink any alcohol). He came over, we saw the sunset and drank the cola. Then we sat in the living room. He was cold so I brought him a blanket. He covered himself and then invited me under the blanket. I didn't want to do that but eventually it happened. Then I suggested going to the room because there were people coming and going to the living room. I didn't plan to have sex. I was thinking about it though. I was wondering if we should do it. We had kind of connection. And I wanted to avoid the curse of the sex at the first date. I mean when you go to bed too early and basically it spoils everything later. But on the other hand... I was leaving in 2 months. He was local and didn't plan to go abroad any time soon. It simply had no future. So what was the point of risking that it might go too far? Risk of developing some feelings? I just decided to have sex... In order to curse it by having sex at the first date. And so it happened. He never called and neither did I. Some time ago we just had a shallow conversation on MSN and that was all.

Isn't it fucking weird? I decided to have sex in order to spoil the relation? To make it more trivial! To stop it from going further! It's so fucked up!

Yes, it is. But it's not gonna be like this anymore. I'm leaving this country in 1,5 month and going to live with my parents for the summer (it's gonna be a veeery dry summer - no rains or storms). Afterwards, I'm moving to Western Europe for another months (or years). However, I decided not to have so many one night stands (if any). It's funny because now I'm in a Muslim country where it's forbidden to be gay and I'm having this crazy life and soon I will be in the most liberal society in the world and I'm planning on finishing this kind of life. I've already taken some steps - removing sexdates from the field "interested in" on my gay profile on one of the dating websites. Now, I'm only interested in friendships and relationships. Seriously, I'm fed up with one night stands, or sex dates.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

the new me

I’ve taken a brave decision! It’s based on a cultural difference that I’ve been observing here for a while (no, I’m not getting married and having a male lover at the same time). I decided to get circumcised! Yes, it's healthier, more practical and so much more beautiful. Dicks with too much skin are simply ugly. When they are circumcised it's so much different. It looks much better. All the local guys here have it and thanks to my cultural experience I will make this change within myself :)

So what is the action plan? In about 1.5-2 months I will be back in my home country for the summer. I will go to the doctor straight away and make sure I really can do it. Then I will have the surgery and later I will just enjoy the new me :)

I am so excited!!!

what goes around comes around

The worst thing about having one night stands or meeting some random people for sex is when they call later after some days and you don't feel like meeting them anymore. I'm a conquerer so as soon as I get someone for sex I'm no longer interested in this person for sexual reasons later (with some exceptions). And I hate when they call! It's ok for me to call a guy for the second, third,... time because it's my choice etc But why the fuck is he calling me? Did I ever ask for that? It's often so annoying. And I need to work on my assertiveness in order to say that "I'm just not into you anymore, baby"... Or maybe it's better to lie? Any suggestions?

distraction fuck

Distraction fuck is the new term that I've just come up with. It means that you go to bed with someone in order to distract yourself from something, i.e. from a sad break-up. I did it last time in December when I broke up with A. I immediately found a hot date and had sex with him. It was the Indian guy.

Don't write this term down. It doesn't work. The distraction fuck is a short term solution. It only works for a while and then distraction goes away and the problems are back (if someone is successful in usage of DF please, let me know how you do it).

I have just come back from a fuck. It was that Indian. It was not exciting at all. Although sex itself was not bad. There was something in the atmosphere missing. Maybe because it was too obvious and too little spontaneous. We got in touch through skype, set the hour, the place and just went there. A short conversation and afterwards very quickly to bed. Then a fast shower and back home. I guess it was around 1.5h between leaving home and returning. It was simply boring.

I usually like to have everything planned in my life. I have a career that has been carefully planned since I started my studies. I planned going abroad and I am here in North Africa for a one year contract. I even plan relationships when I know the guy for a few days. But planning sex is inappropriate even for me! It has just to be spontaneous (like last Saturday or the one before). In this case, even sex with the taxi driver who was trying to seduce me would be much more exciting.

I think these one night stands don't contribute to my life in any way. I don't feel any happier afterwards. Maybe if sex is spontaneous then it's at least fun. In this case it's not. It's too predictable. He made me actually laugh before I came over to his place. He said:
Indian[9:13:58 PM] says: I hope it's ok if you don't spend the night
Indian[9:14:07 PM] says: tonight as tomorrow I have an inspection
Indian[9:14:26 PM] says: of my apartment and I have technicians coming in the morning
Indian[9:14:41 PM] says: to check the electrical circuits plumbing
Indian[9:14:43 PM] says: etc
Indian[9:15:00 PM] says: please, don't take it personally
Indian[9:15:14 PM] says: I don't mean to be rude or impersonal

Of course, I didn't mind. I even didn't plan to stay there over the night.
Ehh, I think I simply waste my time doing stuff like this. I didn't need to distract myself so I didn't need sex. I ended up confused after sex. Do I paradoxically need new sex to distract myself from current confusion made by sex with the Indian? I don't think so... The amount of sex was too big recently (and ironically, I'm meeting the belly dancer tomorrow - at least with him it's fun so I won't be confused).

Well, another learning for me - I know I'm not a addicted to sex :) And I should have less sex. And it should be more spontaneous when it happens.

I had my lesson. Learnings - to be applied next time. During the next few days I will be on a desert trip so it's highly probable that I won't be able to have sex there. What a relief! Unless I meet some cute and horny nomad. On the other hand it's so dry on the desert... maybe there won't be any rain in my sexual life either...

life is a [seductive] movie

Sex is not passé anymore! It had just been a few days that I was bored with it. Let me share with you some movie stories from yesterday and last night.

On Saturday, I woke up in the morning after a party. It was way too early to wake up but I had to. I was supposed to go the neighboring city (just one hour by train) for a meeting related to my work. Fortunately, I didn't have to play any significant role so I let myself miss two trains and arrived more than one hour late. No one objected. I felt not well after the party so I just left in the middle of the meeting. At that point I didn't want go to the train station so I just called a guy. A guy that randomly added my on Facebook. It later appeared that we have a common friend on FB - that's how he found me. We met and then decided to go to his apartment. Not because I planned sex but I was just tired and wanted to avoid the noise of the street. I really thought so. He lives alone. I found out that he had a boyfriend. Twice older than me or him and living in Europe. We had some nice conversations too.

Then, weird things started happening. He said he was tired and would like to have a nap. I said I was tired as well. He suggested sleeping in his big bed in the bedroom. I agreed although I could sleep on the couch in the living room. I went to the toilet and when I entered the bedroom he was already in the bed. Only in his underwear. He was gorgeous, beautiful and very masculine. I laid on the other half of the bed - in my clothes. He suggested taking them off to make myself feel more comfortable. I did it. I was really trying to have a nap thinking that nothing would happen. After a while, we cuddled and then we started kissing. He started that. I don't have to say what happened later. It's funny because until the moment before we touched each other I thought we were in the bed for sleeping only. I went to the bedroom really naively, thinking that nothing would happen. But I don't regret. Sex was more fabulous than with any of the guys met recently.

He said it would be cool if I stayed over the night with him. I couldn't because I was already invited for some party in my city. Then, I proposed him to go with me. Maybe I wouldn't have done it if I had known some a bit freaky facts about him. He showed me his mobile phone that he broke a few days before after a really tough conversation with his boyfriend. The other thing was the fact that he was a belly dancer. He also had some clothes for that. They were totally feminine. None of the weird facts was really creepy but they were just awkward. I had invited him before so there was no way back. We went there together. It was actually nice. He was a nice person, met my friends who liked him. When we came back home we slept together and had some sex.

On the way back from party I had one of the most funny and incredible stories ever. The cab driver was clearly hitting on me (he was cute and young). He was so full of sex! The cab stopped so that my friend could get something from the shop. Then I stayed in the cab only with the driver who turned around and gave me that wild look. My friend came back later and me and the driver had eye connection through the mirror. Then when we arrived I paid the guy and he kind of touched my hand when I was handing over the cash. And when I was getting off, he put his hand on my leg and sent me a kiss. That cab was just full of the sexual atmosphere. That was amazing.

My friends keep telling me that I must emit some kind of signals so that I meet all these guys all the time. I've started believing in that...

Life is a seductive movie!

impressions

We often have certain impressions. We express them "I think", "I guess", "In my opinion", "I have the feeling", "I have the impression".

The worst thing about them is that they are very subjective. We never know whether we are right or not. That's why the very good thing is when we receive an objective piece of information and we can verify our impressions...

Since last night, I've been officially single. I went out yesterday, got drunk a bit and then had the idea to call A. (my [technically still] boyfriend at that time). I told him it would be better if we became friends. He agreed and today he confirmed that in the email by saying that friendship would work unlike relationship. I felt relieved.

In the meantime, he said he had been angry at me and that was why he didn't call me. He was expecting me to call especially because he had some problems. He missed my support. At that point I had a totally opposite impression. From the conversation on the phone and on line we'd had before I was almost sure that he was not really willing to share his problems with me and he didn't want any of my support. That was why I got pissed off and decided not to call. And yesterday he told me that I hadn't cared at all...

Well, I have no regrets at the moment. The ultimate solution of this situation is good and I am happy about it.

And I am happy about another thing. About the fact that my impression was wrong. I have a lot of impressions and in love/relationship cases they are usually negative or pessimistic. What I heard yesterday just proves that my impressions might easily be wrong. So that's another lesson saying that I should be more careful when having certain impressions. I hope I will apply it successfully next time.

Gotcha!

Some email spams are just hilarious. I’m already used to receiving penis enlargement or cheap Viagra pills propositions. I got some notifications about where the hot gals have their naked pics as well. By the way, they are really idiots – they should work on their market segmentation and targeting tactics. I don’t need either penis enlargement (I can’t complain about the size), or Viagra (I still can get it up easily) or pics of some chicks (wrong gender!).

But today, I found a really funny spam! They are really creative! The subject of the email was “we caught you naked [my first and last name here]! check the video!”

Of course, I didn’t want to check the video. I was at work so I couldn't let happen that someone enters the office and sees my naked videos on line :D

sex is passé

Yesterday, I saw the guy that I had met at the party the other Saturday. We met in a cafe and afterwards went to have a dinner. We had a nice conversation. My friend told me earlier that I was full of sense of humor and good jokes when we spoke on MSN. And so was I during the dinner. It was nice. Once, we were done with the eating, he suggested going to his apartment. I agreed. I asked if by any chance he had some liquor over there. A glass of wine was something that I really needed. He said "I don't have any wine but I have gin and tonic". For someone who had recently become fan of this fabulous drink no invitations had to be repeated anymore...

So we went to his place. As soon as he entered we started kissing. He started and I didn't object. Then he prepared the drink. I didn't have time to enjoy it though. We ended up in bed. I even didn't finish my glass! Not that it was bad or something. It was cool but I guess after so many one night stands recently I was just filled with sex for a while and didn't need it at that time. I would rather enjoy sitting on the couch, drinking and having an interesting conversation. And we just went to bed. So boring. Yes, I'm saying that sex was boring.

I think I should start applying the rule saying that if you stop yourself from having sex that will be even more exciting than actually doing it. And that will also show me as less attainable and less needy. And as you remember that was my mistake last time. It's time to stop analyzing the past. It's time to draw conclusions and apply them.

"I just move on!"

long distance relationships

I had a nice conversation with my flat mate recently. She comes from Europe and has a boyfriend back in her country. They are facing some difficulties now. It's the first time they are so far away from each other.

What I noticed by asking questions was that probably, they are in different reality right now and they are experiencing the relationship in different conditions - it's the first time that the distance plays such an important role. Before they were happy being together. Now, they're less happy and more confused. Does it mean that something is wrong? Yes, of course! They are not a long distance relationship persons. They don't work well when distance is in between. But as soon as they're back everything will be sorted out.

What's the lesson for me?
I am not a long distance relationship person either! I thought I was but it's bullshit. First of all, I can't be in an LDR when it's just about that start. It simply won't work. After a while of being together (physically in one city) it might work out if the period is not too long. But I know I will not feel happy when I'm far. I just don't feel happy in such a relationship. So no point in being in a one.

I am moving to Western Europe in September. I will live in a culture that I understand better and where people are more similar. My "relationship" life is officially over here in Northern Africa. Just a place for random fun.

sincere stupidity

The previous week was full of experiences. And as it’s commonly known, the more of them you have the wiser you are. Or rather - you are supposed to be. These experiences have also shown me the dilemma of planning the future versus going with the flow. Thanks to that new solutions can be developed and applied.

Of course, there were so damages and victims as well. I was the victim of my stupidity. Now, I am aware of that and hopefully I will act more wisely.

But from the beginning...

Last Sunday, I got a nice message from an even nicer boy. He was cute, sweet, adorable, smart, funny etc. I met him the next day where I only confirmed first on line impressions. The next day, I met him again. We saw each other in my apartment. Of course we ended up in bed but doing not more than kissing and cuddling which was AMAZING. Stopping oneself from having sex is sometimes even more exciting than having sex! Then the next day, we met over a cup of coffee and tea. The fourth day, we had sex. And it was when the confusions started. I actually don’t know if they were connected with sex or maybe they just both appeared separately. The process called falling in love slowly kicked off. Way too early!! Just after a few days of knowing each other. I started being anxious. Although, I saw him that day and had sex I didn’t feel happy when being with him. Not only the process of falling in love started – also the process of thinking of the future. Of planning, analyzing, reflecting, projecting. Questions in my head kept popping up. Why didn’t he send a message saying “it was fabulous! You are wonderful! I miss you!”. He didn’t show up on MSN. He didn’t suggest meeting the next day. All these ridiculous ideas filled my head. I left home and went out. I couldn’t stop thinking. Then I came back and read the message from him “it was so nice today! I really enjoyed that. I waited for you a while but you didn’t show up on line”. Why wasn’t I happy to hear that? It wasn’t enough?? I’ve got damn too high expectations. Or I’m simply fucked up... Well, then I decided to apply one rule that everyone says is always right – being honest and telling the truth. Maybe it’s right to be honest, but maybe right things are not always good things. They’re not the best solutions... That time I should have kept some of my thoughts for myself. I didn’t. And I fucked up the relation. I told him about my feelings. I mentioned the relationship issue. I only heard back that he was not a long distance relationship person. That hurt me. Although it shouldn’t because it was too early for even thinking of that. But he still maintained he would like to see me. He promised to do it the next day.

To distract myself, I decided to have a one night stand that night. I found a sweet and cute guy. He was so charmed by me that he asked for being in a relationship in the middle of having sex... I guess some people can think about it way earlier than even me. There are people more fucked up than me...

I didn’t see my sweetie the next day. He didn’t call. Fortunately, I saw my friends, I went out where I met a nice European guy. Some drinks, a chat, some fun, some jokes, a cab ride to his place and hot sex. Again – distracting myself.

I must admit that distracting myself using sex only is not a long term solution. To distract myself more efficiently there would have to be more connection. I noticed that in most cases if the first date ends up in bed, the chances for something deeper are very low. Then I simply don’t have respect for the person. Or rather I don’t find the person interesting anymore.
I guess my sweetie didn’t find me interesting anymore either. It’s not about sex but about my sincere confession – the fact that I started having some feelings for him. His interest dropped significantly. No more nice text messages, no more talking on MSN (unless I start it). Today I told him that (again sincerity). He said he hadn’t been scared but rather annoyed. He also tried to justify me and put blame on himself (on letting it go too far etc). He was diplomatic but you could feel the coldness. As my friend told me – I looked too needy and desperate. And it’s definitely not a thing that attracts you in others. So I lost my attractiveness. And probably it’s impossible to restore it. Tonight I saw him on MSN and apparently when he saw me he changed his status to busy. Then I appeared off line (he must have thought I logged off) and he went back to available!!! I got pissed off. But at least this behavior left no hopes for me. At least now I know that it’s over. The chapter is closed.
Today I also met the guy from the party. He’s so into me. He looks very interested in me. Well, now the roles are totally opposite. I understand now what sweetie had to feel when I was showing too much interest.

I had my lesson. Don’t go too far, don’t go too fast. Take it easy. Don’t show too much interest. And if you want some questions to be answered ask them. But not directly. Cover them with some bla bla bla so that the person will not figure out that you are actually investigating him.

Next time I will implement that.