'the World is not enough?'

It's been 4 months that I am involved in the relationship with James Bond. It has been going great. We only managed to see each other once for a week since starting to be together at the end of June. Luckily, I will see him in 1 week and then we will spend Christmas and New Year's Eve together. Despite the distance, I cannot complain about anything. We love each other, understand each other, and have the common vision of our lives and of us together. I have never been in such a healthy and good relationship before.

All is great but it does not mean that I do not miss my single life sometimes. I think that genetically human nature is not monogamist. We are programmed to extend our species and thus have many children (or just sex and no children). I am not an exception. I look at the guys passing on the streets. I have the animal, subconscious (or maybe conscious?) desire to do something with them. I wonder whether all the new men I meet are gays or not. I sort of miss the days when I could go for a party, meet a random guy, have a sweet and cute conversation and later jump into a cab and go to a more private place. I think of playing some stupid games.

Why do I have to feel that? I have a great relationship and nothing more is needed. James is my whole world – so why does it sometimes feel like world is not enough? Why I do I have the feeling of wanting to conquer some new random territories (and dump them once they’re conquered)? Is it really part of the human nature? Or part of my nature? In my longest relationship, I was able to restrain myself from going further than thinking. And unfortunately, that was until the moment when things started to fall apart. When the relationship was not going fine I was more liable to fall for another guy. My philosophy was that if things were going bad there was no point in being faithful because the relationship was not perfect anymore. So it didn’t matter whether the relationship was less or a lot less than perfect. Fucked-up, isn’t it?

So now, I am afraid. The things go very well now but will they be so for very long? Relationships are about ups and downs. ‘For better and for worse’ and not ‘for better or until the road gets rocky’. Don’t I have to skill for fighting for it when it becomes really difficult?

Luckily, I also have a lot of very strong feelings for James and I hope that even despite their evolution over the time they will always make me take care of him and the relationship itself. And I also hope that these stupid feelings that I have will not grow any stronger and gradually vanish to make me realize that indeed the World IS ENOUGH.