June nights are hot!

My life has been like a roller coaster recently. A bit of bitterness and a bit of sugar. I don't think it has ever been so dynamic over such a small period of time.

Within one short month, I lost one job (that I hated) got a new one (highly likely to be much more interesting), lost James as my boyfriend and moved back to Northern Africa. I still cannot believe in all of that happening so rapidly.

It was the month of June. The hot month of June. And it had a very surprising ending.

Before James broke up with me he had booked tickets to come over to Europe and see me. He planned it for the last weekend of June. After breaking up, we both decided (not right away but after some time) that we would not cancel that visit. He wanted to come and I wanted to see him. Despite the fact that it is generally thought that such meetings shortly after breaking off a relationship are not healthy and reasonable. But who says we were reasonable?

But some new facts had to be taken into consideration. They shadowed the trip.

It was just a few days before that last weekend that I was finally accepted for my new job in Northern Africa. And my new boss told me the trainings would start on the following Monday. Meaning I had to be there on Sunday. James was to arrive on Saturday morning and leave on Tuesday which was initially to give us three full days and four nights together. After my plans had changed it was only one day and not even a full night together as I had to leave home around 3h30 AM in order to catch the Sunday morning flight.

James was not happy about that but what could he say? It was because of the break-up that my future totally changed. And because of him that I went to Northern Africa again, instead of European-Asian city where he lives.

He arrived on Saturday, in the morning. I only was not frightened to receive him because I was sleeping after a long night of packing and meeting up with the Dutch guy prior to packing. The door bell rang, woke me up and I rushed upstairs to open the door. Within the next ten minutes we were kissing and making out in the bed. The 'don't have sex with your ex' rule sounds only good in theory. But it was not put into practise. Not exercising the rule on that Saturday morning was one of my most mind-blowing experiences in the past few months. It was so good to be in his arms... We spent the rest of the day out in the city and later with some friends of mine. A few of them got to meet my ex-boyfriend - a person they had heard of a lot in the past few months. And they were just introduced to him when he became my ex...

I was a bit worried about him staying alone in my emptied room but on the other hand I felt it would be a nice punishment for him for all I had to go through because of our break-up. He was indeed sad. The situation got even complicated when he had to cheer up and support my good friend when her boyfriend broke up with her. She promised James to hang out with him when I was already gone and it was on the same day that her boyfriend broke up with her. To make it more interesting it was the same friend who was with me when James broke up with me. And exactly four weeks later it was his role to be with her.

And the last dramatic/romantic/cheesy/meaningful aspect was the fact that our relationship sort of ended the same way it started. Exactly one year earlier, I was leaving Northern Africa for Europe, just having commenced the relation with James. Getting on a train, saying goodbye, leaving him, the place where I had lived for the last year and not being sure how it all would evolve. A year later, I was again leaving Europe, just having ended the relation with James. Getting on a taxi, saying goodbye, leaving him, the place where I had lived for the last year and not being sure how it all would evolve.

But that time it was much better. Because I was returning to Northern Africa.

And nothing is better than that.

falling into you

Life is full of surprises, isn't it? I think we all know that. Sometimes we are just stunned by the way some of our relations with different people evolve. I was subjected to that just recently. The Dutch guy I was seeing for several weeks, having been a cold and unavailable but honest person turned out to be in love with me but then totally cut our contact knowing that I was not available anymore. But from the beginning...

I met him exactly one week after James and I broke up. I just had to meet someone new in order to distract myself from the post-break-up pain. I knew it would help only in short-term but I was looking for anything that would let me not think about James for at least a second. So I went to the gay neighborhood and was lucky to meet someone right away. He was a thirty-seven year old Dutch guy. We went to his place and I stayed over night there. We met up a few times. Most of the times it was me insisting on meeting up. I was not too pushy but the initiative was always on my side. Having heard from him he was not a relationship person and he had never had a serious relations I stopped counting on anything serious. I just wanted to enjoy the moment with him and have fun when being together. I especially wanted to keep being distracted. So at some point I did not actually care that he was not that into me. I just wished to have him once/twice per week. And so it was happening.

Then my last week in Europe came. And my last weekend when I was expecting James to come over to see me as he had booked the tickets before breaking up and we had both decided to see each other again. The Dutch guy started suddenly insisting on meeting up for the last time. I was happy to see him before leaving Europe for good (and my departure is another story for another post). He texted me on the day when we were supposed to see each other. If he had not done it I would have probably forgotten about planning to meet up with him. I went to see him. It was as usual full of nice, funny, interesting and witty conversations. Then we went to his place. That time he was much more into me than anytime in the past. And I did not want to stay over at his place. Not because of him. James was coming in the morning and I wanted to sleep in my apartment. It took me more than one hour to finally be strong enough to leave his place. But I finally made it and after lying in the bed together and kissing on the sofa I departed.

After a few days, I left the country and moved back to the Northern Africa where it all started two years ago (and the moving back is also a topic for another post). On my first day, I already got an email from the Dutch guy. Whenever I replied his response was in my email box within the next few hours. He was excited about the possibility of going down to Africa to see me. And I told him I was supposed to fly back to Europe to the city where we met (I had a long lay over there, on the way to some other place). We did not manage to see each other eventually.

And today I chatted with him on Facebook. I was shocked by what he had confessed me. It turns out he started developing some feelings for me. Him - a guy in his late thirties who apparently had never been in a serious relationship and was not planning to be in any. Apparently, he fell for me because (quotation) 'he found me intelligent, innocent, cute. He was impressed by my international lifestyle and love for the country in Northern Africa'. He also added he had never felt that way about anyone and he had some undefined and unexplainable feelings for me. Given the fact that I am probably getting involved in something new here (to be explained in another post), he seemed to be hurt (although never said that explicitly) and he did not even want to stay in touch. The last thing he said was: 'you are nice, sweet and... not here. goodbye'. He said he would never like to be back in touch. He would not forget me easily. So according to him it was better to cut our communication.

It was a nice, intriguing and the most mysterious story that ever happened to me. He definitely helped me cope with the break-up and losing job in Europe. He appeared in a very strange period of my life. He was a good part of it. And the most incredible aspect was that from a cold and uninterested guy he changed to someone who fell for me strongly and deeply. It means that you never know how one's feelings for you can modify over a short period of time. They can just change drastically. And it is just as exciting as it is frightening.

Who I really am - part deux

My gmail account enlightened me again with its insightful ideas expressed via adsense ads (ads adjusted to you according to the content of your emails).

A friend of mine and I exchanged a few emails regarding our past break-ups and the first thing I saw next to our conversation was:

'Discover and prove a love affair!

A wire-tapping device of computer conversations - easy in use and discreet.'

Well, that time gmail was not that genius. I would rather expect to see something like:

'An asshole-discovering device. Make sure the guy you are dating is not an asshole.'

or

'A device measuring the willingness to commit. Easy in use, cheap and practical. Learn in five minutes whether your boyfriend has commitment issues and break up before you badly get hurt.'

Let's pray scientists invent it one day. I am the first to buy.

the dirty games

When the Dutch guy blew me off by saying 'tonight I am tired, tomorrow I am busy, then I have some friends and afterwards I am traveling' I was smart enough to admit that he was just not that into me. I decided to go out and have fun with someone else. If you know what I mean.

I went to a random gay bar. Right after I entered the place, I established an eye connection with a nice guy. We started talking but as it was quite loud we walked outside. He had a horny look and was shaking even though it was warm outside. He placed his hand on my shoulder and started kissing me. I did not object until I felt his hand going down. 'Not on the street' I shouted and backed out. We started to talk but somehow I could barely understand the guy. His English was fine but I was just not able to get what he was trying to tell me. He was still shaking. I said to him 'It was nice to meet you. Call me tomorrow' and I tried to get back to the club. He attempted to stop me but after a few seconds I managed to get inside (inside the club). He followed me and did not understand I had no desire whatsoever to interact with him. I stayed in the club and pretended he was not there until he left around twenty minutes later. I was relieved but also pissed off that I had to waste my time to deal with that kind of a person.

I left the place with a sense of lack of a conquest. I went to another place but found no one interesting there (and I was not found by anyone either) so I changed the bar again. There, I saw some guys looking at me but none of the was of any interest to me. I sat by the bar drinking the wine. I must have looked slightly pathetic being there on my own, drinking and looking around in order to check the guys out. After almost an hour I established an eye connection with a random guy. He was not exactly my type but 'what the hell?' I thought. I did not want to leave alone. I sat next to him and we started talking. He called me an angel (looking at my wavy/curly hair) but also said there had to be a devil inside me. Angel & devil? - what a cheesy crap, isn't it? We started kissing. He said he would have to leave me to pick up his friend from the train station. He promised to call me in about half an hour. I decided to wait for him. But as I stayed there on my own, without anyone and completely fragile, a new person got interested in me. A local guy from the very South-Eastern remote part of the country. He was thirty-seven but behaved as if he was a teenager. He was a make-up artist, had very beautiful eyes and sweet lips. As tall as me and muscular. A perfect type of mine. In the meantime, the previous guy called but I did not answer. I texted him later saying I was sorry but I did not feel like waiting for him so I had left. Before I realized the second guy and I were on the way to my place. We arrived there and I put newly washed bed sheets. We had sex. Physically, it was not bad. Then we slept together. He was snoring horribly. In the morning, he would wake up and starting talking loudly on the phone (with his friend and later his mother to ensure her he was fine), smoking cigarettes in my room (which I never allow), walking from the room to the toilet, being noisy and annoying. I was praying he would leave. I told him I had to go to work and we left. I drove him back to the center as he had requested me to do so.

It was not about bad sex. I did like it. However, I did not enjoy it because it was too random. I cannot have casual sex anymore and then just have a thoughtless head. Especially when it is with someone with whom I have no intellectual connection whatsoever.

I decided not to have this kind of sex anymore. Going out with a pure intention of picking up someone in nasty gay bars full of uninteresting guys wanting to get laid is not for me anymore. If I am to meet someone I want it to happen naturally. Starting from a conversation and a mutual connection. Then things can happen if they are meant to happen.

When I drove the guy to the center and returned home afterwards, I immediately changed the bed sheets again and opened the window. I desperately needed to get rid of the smell of his perfumes and cigarettes. The fresh air came quickly. But it was not that easy to erase the memories of the previous night.

back in the dirty games

New players in the game - it sounds pathetic I know. But I need to move on.

The week after we broke up I decided to go out and hook up with someone. I went to a gay bar but did not succeed in meeting anyone interesting. I went to another one where I bumped into some Dutch guys whom I had met a few months earlier when a friend of mine dragged me to go out to some gay places. Back then, I exchanged a few words and left home. Last week, the guy I had been speaking to was not there. There were just his friends who remembered me. They said I had impressed him and they asked what I felt about him. I hesitated to answer so they assumed I had liked him too. It was the truth as far as I remembered. So I told them to call him. They said he would not be able to come. So I gave my number to one of them and asked to pass it further to the other guy. He promised to do so.

But I was not ready to wait day(s) to be contacted by him. I liked his friend whom I had given my number. And I wanted to stay longer with him. We decided to finish the night. So we walked out and went toward his place. We did not plan that. Neither did we spoke about that. But I ended up in his apartment. I just did not want to stay at my place all by myself with my thoughts. He figured that out. He guessed I was in some sort of bad period of my life. So I stayed over. We were not planning to have sex but you know how it ends when two hot guys lie next to each other. It was nice. I left in the morning.

I saw him again a few days later. I went to his place. We talked more. I told him about my broken relationship, about my lost job and some confusions. But I also asked him about his relationships. He is 37 but he has never been with someone. I guess he is not a relationship person. He does not look for anyone. He said 'how can I commit to someone when I can't be committed to myself?' I guess that explains pretty much everything. He is just not that into anyone. I slept at his place again but that time we did not do anything. Apparently, it is not always that something has to happen between two guys sleeping next to each other. He just did not want to. A few days later, I was trying to get in touch with him but he did not seem interested in meeting up with me. So I decided to drop the idea of me and him seeing each other anymore. It is not that I was in love with him or that I was hoping for something. I am now in a post-break-up stage and feel like meeting up with some one purely for distraction purposes. I am leaving the city soon and so is he. We both know about it. I rather treat it all as expiration dating. Knowing that it will finish soon and accepting it but having fun especially to distract oneself.

I hope he is interested in that at least.

Tomorrow never dies

It has almost been three weeks since I am on the singles' market again. James and I have been in touch almost regularly. (Un)surprisingly, he, the person who hurt me so much, is the only one who could take me out of my misery. All my friends are fabulous and supportive. They speak about my break-up with me whenever I need and they give me good advice. However, this is only after skyping with James that I feel a lot better. Probably, only the person who hurts you so deeply is able to help you heal the wounds. None of your friends is capable of doing that.

During my conversations with James we tend to analyze the past and understand better what happened. They sometimes feel exactly as if we were still together. But the whole pressure and drama of moving together is gone. He was not ready for commitment. Or maybe for commitment to me. Or simply I am to blame for my negative attitude and lack of hope of ending up in one place.

Maybe it is better what happened in my life recently. Maybe the break-up was a blessing. My life was a mess and it was negatively influencing this relationship. He was fed up with that. It just shows I was probably not the one for him. He did not want to fight. Either for me or he simply has problems with commitment. Commitment to me for sure. To others? Who knows. Maybe.

But as for me. I guess I first need to be committed to myself and later I will let someone commit to me. I need to figure out where I want to live, what I want to do etc. As soon as I am reconciled with myself I am sure the love will come as well.

Of course, it will. I am smart, cute and funny. I am a catch. And I want to be in love. So there is no way I am not finding Mr Right. We are out there for each other.

Tomorrow died

I am single again. After a year of a relationship with James, it is definitely over. It is finished.

I have not written here for a while so I owe you some updates.

In March, when I came back from the city on the border of Asia and Europe where he lives, everything seemed bright. We prepared a list of potential countries where we would consider moving to. Despite some little clashes between us usually caused by being tired nothing was worrying. We decided that I would be the first to start looking for jobs abroad and he would follow me as soon as I found something. That seemed more logical as it would be easier to find a job for him with his qualifications, flexibility and plenty of opportunities.

But it was very difficult. I was sending hundreds of applications and no success was coming back to me. It was very frustrating and our skype conversation would be influenced by my bad mood more and more. In the meantime, I had further confusions regarding my professional life and its direction. Plus I was stressed by my studies. I was not an easy person to deal with.

By the end of April, we were supposed to give an answer to an offer we got from James' ex-boss. He wanted us both to go back to Northern Africa and teach English there. That offer was perfect for me. I would get great, initial experience in teaching, earn good money and live with James in a country that I enjoy so much. But he was not ready to go back. He wanted either to stay where he lives now or go some place else. Back then it was still four months to the day we would live together so I accepted his choice. He did not want to give up the search when it was still so much time. I was however disappointed. Due to the fact the he did not feel like going back to Northern Africa because of some personal reasons and animosities towards some aspects of that country and its people our relationship and our future were uncertain. And for me the worst was that I had to keep on searching and getting frustrated. Even though it hurt me a bit that he did not want to compromise I decided that it was going to be me who would compromise. So I carried on searching but I still kept being annoyed.

In the middle of the May, I went to see him again. The few days before going there were full of doubts and uncertainty. Just the night before leaving I found myself dancing with my friends in my favorite Thursday night spot 'Kingston' and thinking of going back to Northern Africa myself. The idea of living there again filled me with so much happiness and joy that I wondered why I put myself into that annoying process of finding a common country and investing in the relationship that had recently become so difficult. 

Full of the thoughts I went to see James. Two nights after dancing in Kingston I was standing with James on the rooftop of a posh restaurant somewhere on the hills of the city on the border between Europe and Asia. It was a warm night. The view was magnificent - the lights of the city on the European and Asian sides, the ships on the river and strait separating the big metropolis. I was leaning against the balustrade and admiring the picturesque view but my mind was exploding of thoughts. James came over next to me. I just said 'I am afraid it is not going to work out'. He replied 'don't give up yet, babe'. The next days were as usual amazing. Meeting up with friends, partying, sleeping together, traveling in the country. However, there were more fights and arguments. I blamed them on the difficult period for both of us and the uncertainty. The last day of our visit was great. No stress or worries. Just laying on the hills of the city and admiring the views while relaxing and enjoying the sun. He said 'despite all the stresses and worries I prefer to have you with all of them than live peacefully without them and without you'.

I left for home. I arrived and went to work the next day. I filled some applications. I also got the news from my company. They decided not to prolong my contract meaning I would not stay in Europe anymore. I felt relieved and scared. Scared because of uncertainty and relieved because I would not have to take the decision 'yes, I'm staying here'/'no, I'm leaving' in case they wanted to keep me. I called James and broke him the news. Before I had said that he noticed that I did not sound sad anymore. But when I told him the news he seemed to have got scared. As I was planning to go for a couple of days to the Northern Africa (a nostalgic return journey after a year) he suggested checking whether I could still take the job his ex-boss had offered us. But he only meant me coming back there and not himself. It disturbed me. I told him to think of that for a couple of days and let me know by the time I was there so that I could ask his ex-boss. The next day he told me he would not want to go back there.

I respected his decision and made my own - I would move to live with him in the city on the border of Europe and Asia. I called him on the day of leaving for my trip to Northern Africa and said that to him. I started crying from emotions 'babe, it is happening. After one year of planning we finally agreed on the country. I am moving to you and we will finally live together'! I was so happy. I thought he was happy too. I hanged up and got back to work being still excited about all the changes in my life. I announced the news to everyone. I had some fears and doubts but I wanted to try and see how it all would work out.

That evening I went to Southern Europe to spend some time with a friend of mine who lives there and the day after I flew to Northern Africa. I had no news from him during the whole day so I called him in the evening. His voice calmed me. But just for a few hours since there was no further news from him until the end of the day and on the next day. Just a small text message at night 'are you back home?'. I was surprised but luckily I was pretty drunk with my friends so I ignored it and replied something sweet and lovely. On the next day, I woke up with a hangover and started analyzing thoughts and messages. I kept changing the SIM cards to make sure he had not sent me any texts. There was nothing. A friend of mine who went to Northern Africa with me and I decided to do some sightseeing of the city. We ended up in the fortress where I was living during my last four months in the country. It was there that James was my neighbor and it was there that our relationship started. I was in the place full of great memories but I was very anxious. I kept looking at the mobile and switching the cards. No news. I decided to call. James answered but sounded very weird. He was very quiet and it seemed he did not want to tell me something. I pushed him and then the words of confusions and frustration flooded me. 'It is not going to work out. We have communication problems. We don't understand each other. We are on different pages in our lives...' And many more - each of them felt like a stab in my heart. After he was done I just summarized everything and added 'come on, say it, break up with me if you really believe in all what you said'. He did not say anything and I hanged up. I was speechless. I was with a friend of mine and I told her about everything. At that point I just could not believe in what had just happened. Luckily, all of my friends were very supportive. It did spoil my holidays but at least I did not have to deal with that at home in Europe where I would probably have to suffer myself in my room, in my bed. 

I called him two days later and just to confirm his final decision. I sent him two emails - one very full of love and emotion, the second one full of hate and despise. I removed his contacts from Facebook or Skype just to re-add them the next day. He was understanding about all the that but he did not change his mind.

It is over. It was almost a year. And now I am single. But I still have hope.

'from Asia/Europe with love' – part deux

It is high time to provide you with the news you have been waiting for – trip to the Asian-European country where James lives. All went fine – you may restart breathing – no points for worries. He even said it was the best of our meetings since the beginning of our relationship. I agree it was amazing and wonderful. There were also some stormy and difficult moments but I believe their negative power was either dispersed or transformed to a positive one. Not to make it sound so light and great, I need to admit that there are some things we both need to work on to make this relationship successful.

I arrived there on the last Friday of February and obviously was very excited to see him again. I walked or rather ran from the airport shuttle stop in the centre through the main pedestrian street almost losing my baggage and stumbling over people. Finally, I reached his house and apartment (fifth damn floor with twenty-something kilos of luggage in the suitcase). I fell into his arms and then we were in bed - the first night in two months together again.

On Saturday, he went to work while I hanged out at home, chatting with some friends, relaxing and actually cleaning his apartment. I guess I wanted to do something for him and make him happy. In the evening when we went out, our first tensions started. I was with one of his friends and his guests. They all knew each other pretty well while I felt quite out of the game with them together. I was annoyed and bored not being able to follow or participate in the conversation (it was not the language barrier). We came back home and I said how I felt. For the first time, in this relationship, I felt what the cultural (or maybe personalities?) differences meant.

On the next day, we flew to southern part of the country on the seaside. It was like a paradise - picturesque views, mountains, beaches, sea and us. Nevertheless, the trip was sometimes intense and tiring. It was when James became a bit grumpy and annoying. The situation happened a few times again (and it would happen on our previous meetings too). Afterwards, he would always apologize me and wonder why he would be become in that stupid way. He promised he would work on it. The same problem happened to me from time to time. It took place during a dinner on our last night before my departure. He said something that annoyed me a bit and I shouted on him. Later, he went home and I walked to say by to some friends of mine. I did not stay long. I came back home and apologized. He said he might not have deserved that for what he had said but he had deserved that for all the previous times when I ended up not saying anything.

Although, this kind of fights are not what I want in my relationship but the very good point is that we always talk about it and sincerely want to improve ourselves. And where there is the will and a plan, there is a high likelihood of a success.

One of the most important parts of my trip to Istanbul was that we finally decided to list all the places where we would like to go, work and live together. The list is pretty long, it is mutually agreed and still we are flexible to re-discuss the priorities.

Overall, tout va bien. The relationship is going very well and despite some small issues that we are working on there is nothing to worry about.

The future is bright.

'the one is not enough'

Human is a really awkward creature. While being the supreme creation of the evolution it is in fact very far from ideal. It has quite a (self-)destructive nature and somehow cannot often cope with adversities of its fate. Will the evolution fix these drawbacks within the next centuries or millenniums? Will it make it smarter, wiser and more intelligent? Will it enable it to live in peace with nature and the other human beings? Will it decrease the number of committed mistakes? Or most of all, will it ensure that a mistake made once is never repeated anymore? Ever? Because making a mistake may be in most cases acceptable but not learning from it and keeping to make them is far worse.

The same goes with our boyfriends or girlfriends. Once we realized that s/he was not the one, once we dumped him/her and got over the unsuccessful relationship, we often tend to fall for another person - who is actually the same person but just in a different 'outfit'.

In some sort of a mysterious way, we tend bump into the same kind of people. We meet them up, we play the same game, and we fall for them. It is often that we do not see how alike the person is to their predecessors. We believe we date different people but in fact we keep dating the same person(ality) who just happens to be in another body.

So a lot of has its own patterns. Guys who treat us like shit. Materialistic chicks who tend to go for guy's wealth and car. People who use us and seem to be close but in fact they just play their games. Girls who desperately need love and affection. There are thousands if not millions of patterns for both men and women. Many of us are just a simple example of a pattern.

Two of my flat mates confessed me recently that they could be only attracted to 'bad boys' - guys with difficult personalities, who play their games as long and often as possible in order to have fun. When the girls would lose interest after being perpetually rejected they guys would suddenly come back with his rarely shown attention and willingness to express affection. On the other side of the circle there are guys who are good. Too good for many girls. Last week, I went out with a friend of mine (K.). We went to an Irish pub where we bumped into their friend - a guy (L.) to whom I was introduced.

L. seemed a bit distant and cold to all the girls around so K. decided to ask him:

-'What is wrong with you? You are always a nice and a decent guy? Are you angry today?'

-'I am not a good boy anymore'

-'Why?' she demanded with a very surprised face.

-'Because girls do not like good boys. The want bad guys' I answered as if I was an oracle of relationships.

-'Exactly! Your new friend is very smart' said L. about me being surprised how fast I discovered his true intentions.

-'This is not truth' K. was trying to defend her theory 'You are always surrounded by plenties of girls!'

-'This is the truth' I added as if I had all the knowledge of the world in my exclusive possession 'because girls like to be friends and confidents with good boys - however, there is never anything happening between them.'

L. was still astonished by how easily I read him and his actions but he confirmed that it was all right. (After watching all the episodes of SATC no way can I be wrong...)

I am not an exception. I have witnessed so common patterns most of my ex (and James as well!) share. This was not a safe thing to discover.

If you look at the guy I met once upon a time when I first went to European/Asian country and fell in love with him or at my ex from North Africa to whom I said yes after a few weeks (days?) of dating, you will see how alike those relations were. They were both guys who seemed straight - not only visually but also they had a lot straight-guys' behaviors (i.e. watching football). They did not have too many gay experiences, they were open about their gayness but only to few people. Each of them was pretty much kind, nice and good. Never toxic, jealous or angry. The type you usually do not argue with. Unfortunately, they also had more negative features. Although they were times when they were clearly into me, generally they were not relationship guys. They would never think of the future and they treated relationship as a mean to have some fun and entertainment. I was, on the other hand, more committed and more serious while they were reluctant to speak about next months and places or simply they would not have this concept in their heads.

And then the most scary question - does James fit to described pattern...? 

Yes and no. He also looks and behaves straight. He is also very kind and gentle. On the contrary, sometimes he can be angry and annoying. He is not normally jealous as he trusts me. But I know it would not be a good idea to cheat on him as this would cause a lot of troubles to our relationship. Luckily for me, he is willing to talk about the future and in fact the clear plans for the next months are already established and right now, it is the implementation phase that is taking place. He is caring and I know he is into this relationship. But... as there is many similarities between him and the others especially with regard to positive aspects I am afraid there will be more similarities in the negative ones. Yes, I am afraid that despite what I know he feels for me I am more into this relationship than he is. I am afraid that one day he will dump me because he will realize I am an obstacle in his plans to travel and live around the world. He will just say 'it's not you, it's me - I just feel like spending more time with myself and traveling wherever I want'. We spoke about all that last night and he assured me I had nothing to worry about.

Maybe he is right and I am simply exaggerating, or maybe I just have a very good sixth sense and I keep denying the obvious signals from the surroundings (that was already a case several times with my exes) - will I know that? Maybe later I will. I do not know that now for sure. And I should not focus on that too much. All in all, being objective, this is the sanest and the best relationship I have ever had. It is just my nature to think too much and question things. I do not think I will change it easily in myself. I just need to accept myself the way I am and the way I deal with certain things. I might be always coming up with this kind of stuff - questions, doubts and insecurities. I guess you can always find something what makes you uncertain (or what you make look dangerous while in fact it is not).

And I will assure and do all my best in order to break the fatal pattern.

This time it will be different.

'license to love'

One of my good friends has recently fallen in love. She was literally struck with the feelings. It all happened faster than being struck by a lightening.

I saw her on the week prior to my departure to Asian-European country. Then when I returned I did not hear from here. Having been back in the city for a couple of days and not having known what she was up to I decided to give her a call.

I dial her number while driving my car and await her answer. After a few seconds she is there. A weird voice. I ask ‘hey, how are you? What’s new?’ Her voice is different than ever before. She does not speak fast as usual and she seems not to care about anything. ‘Is she daydreaming?’ I ask myself. She just says that a lot of thing happened and a lot changed. It all sounds very mysterious. She confesses she met a man. No more details are given to me.

On the next day I meet up with her in an Italian restaurant near her office. I start listening…

In the middle of the week when I was with James she went for an exhibition with a dinner at the Macedonian Embassy. She went there with her date – a guy with whom she had started meeting earlier. She was pretty interested in him but he was not that into her. They kept going out together but it was nothing promising. During the dinner a lot of red wine was served so it got her a bit dizzy. While she was wandering among the exhibits admiring their newly discovered beauty (thanks to the extra amount of the red) she bumped into the guy (that was probably also thanks to the red). They immediately connected talking about… well, she was not able to remember what they talked about. She just remembered the feeling and the connection. Later, no one knows why, the guy needed to get a pack of cigarettes. She volunteered to accompany him. Her friends told her later that it had taken quite a while to buy them and be back. She did not realize it had been that long. The guy took her number and called her a few days later. She was very reluctant to see him again but she gave in having seen how cutely pushy he kept being. They spent wonderful moments together. They started planning May in Mallorca and June in Greece. Things went fast. From the beginning they were very honest with each other. She told her she was in the middle of the preparation for divorce. He told her his life was full of many short stories of which one resulted in a ten-year old girl. But it did not change anything. They have a wonderful connection. They are both madly in love and they both want a stable and amazing relationship. They feel they can achieve that together.

In the meantime, the guy whom she went for the exhibition with phoned her. She just unceremoniously dumped him. He was speechless. He asked ‘does that that mean you kept fooling me all the time and never felt anything even when you were saying all the I-love-yous to me?’ ‘It must be it’ she replied. She did not care about the guy that had been playing a hard-to-get one before and of whose feelings she was not sure. She had never done something like this before but she was absolutely sure it was right. In the end, she was falling in love! She could not sleep. She was not focused at work. She could not participate in a training as she did not remember anything afterwards. Not so difficult to understand as all the time she was looking through the window or at the ceiling.

Having finished the story she anticipates me that her lover-boy will pick her up so that they can have a dinner together. I will meet him and I need to give her my opinion. In a few minutes he arrives. Quite handsome guy, a funny type who makes people laugh. Not boring but smart – a perfect mix. He says he has just seen his doctor and got his examinations results. His health condition is fine. The scene I observe reminds me of a SATC when a guy says ‘before you start dating a girl you need to show your left hand, ID card, bank account statement and blood test’. When the guy is at the bar buying a drink she admits he did that for her and brought the result here on purpose although she had never asked for that. She says it means that he cares. Later, she asks me for my opinion and before I say anything she looks at me as if was an oracle. She admits a good friend’s opinion is very important to her and I am the first to judge him. The guys is cute and seems smart, funny and caring. I say he is great and she seems even happier and more relieved.

I call her today. I ask whether they had a great weekend. I want to know whether he inquired some details about me. She says he just wanted to know what I had said the other day and whether he passed the test. Another point in favor - the guy is not stupid.

He passed the test. I granted him the license.
License to love.

'relationships are forever'

If you remember how I met James you are perfectly allowed to say that the level of the effectiveness of my gay-radar is very low. On the day when it all began between us I ignored a couple of factors that should have led me to the conclusion of him being gay much earlier.

However, the people grow as the years pass by. They develop, improve and become better day by day (or at least this is the theory). I believe I have mastered this theory and put it into practice. I was just very successful in suspecting someone being a gay, then discovering the truth and realizing I had been right.

A few months ago my gay-radar said that one of the guys at my office was gay. He would inquire a few times about me. Then sometimes I would see him a bit nervous when around me. Several times he would act a bit silly. He would also smile in this sweet, intimidated way. I was sure he was gay. 

Couple of times I used the opportunity of a lunch together to discover whether I was right. No luck. Then, there was a company socializing event where many people got drunk in a club. I was about to speak to him for a while but a moment later another guy showed up and there was no possibility of a decent conversation without witnesses. 

But everything was confirmed two days ago. Around noon I came downstairs to the canteen and having chosen the dish I took the only free place that happened to be next to the guy. He, knowing I was on holidays, asked me how it had gone and whether I had enjoyed being in my home country. I said I had not been in my country but in the country on the border of Europe and Asia (to see James but I did not reveal that yet). He just asked me how I liked it and then did not continue the conversation. But I was too smart to lose such a good moment to discover the truth about him. I knew that if I had started talking why I had been there I would have had to say the real reason - visiting my boyfriend. So I quickly manipulated the conversation and made it go my way. Having been asked by him a standard and dull question 'did you like your holidays?' I answered 'yes, it was cool but the city I saw was a bit boring to me as I know it quite well - it was my third time there'. He seemed surprised and asked me why I was going there so often or whether I had some friends there. That was the questions I had been expecting. The guy got into my trap. I asked 'no, I went there to visit my boyfriend'. On his face, I noticed the tiny ray of surprise, embarrassment and insincere but somewhat politely forced understanding. Then he wanted to know some more details about my relationship but it was just a routine enquiry. Now, the floor was mine. It was my time for offensive. I posted the inevitable question. The one I had been planning to ask and for which I had prepared the ground by performing the aforementioned manipulation. 'And you? Are you with someone? Do you have a girlfriend?' the words came out of my mouth. Of course I was expecting not to hear anything of any girls. And so was his response. 'I have a boyfriend' he said 'he's of the same origins as me, we have been together for eight years and now we live together as last year we bought a flat. He works in a bank abroad but as the country is tiny he commutes every day' he kept answering my consecutive questions.

The feeling of a victory was mostly caused by the fact the guy did not look like a stereotypical guy. I just felt it by being close to him during some moments at work. I just sensed that he was gay. It was hard to tell by seeing him but easy to feel without looking. However, the sense of a victory got, sort of, swept away. Yes, it is was nice to feel that I had been right all the time and than he, in fact, was gay. But what I rather felt was the envy. Maybe from my perspective their lives are quite boring. They had settled down very deeply - bought a flat, both have boring jobs and live in a hardly exciting city. But who cares? I assume they are happy with what they have - a nice and decent life, stable careers, convenient place to live and most of all - themselves. For eight years. When I had heard it I realized how little experience James and I had. Our relationship is just a couple of months... most of all has been long distance. We did not have a lot of time to get to know each other...

I called James later that day to break the news. I also told him I had admired the fact they had been together for eight years. Keeping in mind that we had less than one year together he just said 'well baby, seven more to go and we will be able to say eight!'

And as of the coming fall - together in one country, city and apartment.

We are working on it right now. Very hard.

'yesterday never dies'

The past is back with its old temptations!

I have reestablished contact with one of my fuck buddies from Northern Africa. He is the one with whom I met more than once (or twice) and to whom, after that first time, I decided not to say goodbye in order not to lose a great opportunity of an amazing fuck. The sex was simply mind-blowing. If you want to remind of him just read how seductive and luxurious my life was.

To quickly bring you back the memories I will summarize the story. He was the guy that once randomly added me on Facebook. Then, another time visiting his city I decided to have a coffee with him. We ended up in his bedroom having great sex and then partying together. I would meet up with him every now and then mostly to have the opportunity of a great night.

(Un)fortunately, our relation ended just a few weeks before I left the country. He kicked me out of his bed when another guy knocked at the door at 5 AM. It was a humiliating story.

Some weeks later he removed me from Facebook and since I knew James it did not even matter to me. I forgot about the guy. Until a few days ago when he re-added me on Facebook. I ignored his request but he did that again. I ignored him again only to receive a message that he did not understand me not accepting him. I explained that I did not like the fact he had first removed me and then wanted to be friends again. His reply was very cheap and tacky. He said it had been his stupid cousin who had been playing with his Facebook account. I guess I am more stupid because instead of ignoring him I confirmed our friendship.

He wanted to hear all the news from me. So I told him where I lived and that I was together with James. He said he had moved to study to the country in the Alps (the same city I will visit in three weeks…) and he was still with his boyfriend (the same guy he was with when we had our ‘affair’). He also seemed very excited about coming to see me when he asked whether my new room / flat was as small as the one in the Northern Africa. That was too much. I decided to be honest. I told him ‘I wish I could let you stay at my place but I don’t think it's possible. You are too sexy and hot and we could do something that I would later regret and it can't happen as I'm totally faithful to my boyfriend’. I saw his photos from Maldives beaches where he looked amazingly hot and sexy. We kept exchanging emails. I am sure nothing will ever happen between the two of us. I do not even think I will ever see him again.

But why are these memories back? The memories of great sex… the memories or carefree nights (the sex was safe!)… the memories of amazing orgasms and a lot of fun. It is all part of my past and it will always remain there. Why do I need that if I have a great boyfriend who loves me and great sex he gives me? What is it exactly that I do not have and that I miss? Why is it connected with the Facebook guy?

Unfortunately, I am usually very nostalgic about my past. About most of the aspects of my past, including being able to have this kind of stories.

save the drama for your mama

It has been a bit difficult to be in touch with James recently. I started my evening language classes twice a week and on the other days I go out quite often. And so does he.  We usually skype very late when we are both tired. 

On Monday, I was having a break between my language class when by total chance I met an old friend and decided to have a drink with her. In the meantime James texted me and asked whether I would be home anytime soon. I replied that I would be a bit later than expected. He said he would see his friend who had just broken up with his girlfriend because he obviously did not really seem to be doing well. So we both decided to skype a bit later than initially planned. I came back home but he was not there yet. Then I fell asleep and read a message in the morning. James was apologizing but he stayed over his friend much longer than he had thought. I was a bit upset and annoyed but did not send him anything. We spoke the day after and although I admitted having been annoyed a bit when he asked me about that, none of us actually cared about that.

I suspected another big drama last night. I went out with two friends of mine for an exhibition of 'attainable art' as it was called. We had a good time but at some point one of my friends annoyed me with her behavior and somehow I was not in a good mood anymore. James texted me when we were about to go home and I replied that I would call him on skype very soon. Unfortunately, it took me more than an hour to drive my friends to their places. Then I rushed home and tried to call him on skype. He was not answering. I tried on his mobile. Once with no reply. The second time he rejected. The third time as well. 'Oh yeah? You are mad at me because I did not go back home on time? Fine!' I thought to myself and violently threw my mobile on the other side of bed. I texted him 'could you answer my call, please?' I called again and this time I got him. The reason for rejecting or not answering was that... he was sleeping and when I woke him up he just pressed the red button instead of the green one. By chance as he was very sleepy. He said 'why would you think I would not answer your call? I am not the 'easily-getting-offended' type of a guy'.

And I am a drama queen.

I will not however save the drama for my mama. Because my mama would not be able to put up with the huge amount of the drama that her son keeps creating...

'the straight guy who saved me'

Some weeks ago, my friends and I went out to our favorite spot – ‘Kingston’. If you want to spend a great Thursday evening and night you should definitely be there. Whenever you enjoy yourself there you will always be accompanied by your old friends with a high chance possibility of make new ones. So it was an ordinarily great night in Kingston with the same fabulous crew. One of the frequent party-goers who never misses Kingston – R. (male) introduced me to his fabulous straight guy-friend (W.). Some other people and we were having great time together.

In the meantime another guy (S.) that I had seen a few times came up to me and we talked for a while. It turned out his company had organized a party for the employees and it was just taking place upstairs. He disappeared only to show up again a while later and he introduced me to his work-mate who was obviously gay (I guess my gay radar gets better). The gay guy (he confirmed that pretty soon) was nice. Unfortunately for him and many other people, he got really drunk later. He started hitting on me. Having realized he would not achieve anything he started dancing with my girl-friend W. and she later told me he had confessed her that he would fall for her if he was straight. Surprisingly (or not?), it did not flatter her. For the rest of the night he remained drunk and whenever I was near to him he would say (rather scream) to me things like ‘oh my God. I am normally not that drunk. I am so sorry. Will you forgive me? I am so pathetic.’ or ‘I like you so much but I know you have a boyfriend so I will not do anything because I respect you.’ or ‘I think I am falling in love with you.’ or ‘oh don’t look at me. I am so short and fat. But believe me! I used to be slimmer but it’s just recently that I gained weight.’ Apparently they guy had a problem with low self-esteem and was not able to express it in a decent manner (or simply keep it for himself). Not to be in a weird and uncomfortable situation while dancing next to him, I was lucky to have my two fabulous straight guy-friends close to me and I immediately ran away to dance with them. It was a great feeling to do that. No unnecessary sexual tensions and great, spontaneous, unpretentious fun.

Last night, S. was in Kingston again. We spoke and he told me about the gay-guy. He was apparently telling everyone he had fallen in love with me. It was only then when I realized that it was truth. On Facebook, I saw that (yes, I added the gay-guy… I did not know why I had done that but now I guess it had been out of pure sympathy) he started dating someone and changed his status. This triggered some random comments from his friends. One of his friends wrote my name (misspelled!). I have commented it that too… just to correct my name.

Why are gay people I usually meet so unattractive (and I do not mean physically) or bizarre? Actually it might be better for me – fewer temptation for me…

'for single friends' eyes only'

One of many things I appreciate James for is his sense of humor. He knows about this blog and reads it from time to time. Once I mentioned him that I had updated my other blog but I had not written anything on this one. And he replied 'so once you are in a relationship with me now then sex and the medina will suffer from no stories as you cannot have any adventures with boys now so you will not write a lot' and he laughed. The only word I said was 'well...' but I did not know how to finish the sentence. My sexual life has become very stable now. Not a good material for this blog.

So, as I do not get into cabs and pass the Eiffel Tower and then I do not walk around the neighborhoods of my newly met sex dates at night in order to buy condoms, as I do not make out on the bridges above the river in the city of lovers near Notre Dame, as I do not hook up with random guys near mosques while waiting for other guys who blow me off (please, don't confuse blowing off with blowjobs), as I do not have eye connection with some strangers on the streets of a capital of a Southern European country and I do not get into their cars, as I do not call my fuck buddies at 1 AM because I am horny - as I do not happen to do these seemingly exciting things and considering the fact that I do not want the readers of this blog to flow away I will provide you with some silly but hilarious stories of my single friends (God bless single friends!).

One of my friends - W. who happened to live with me in Northern Africa and who happens to live with me here goes out with me almost all the time. We have our favorite expats' hot spot called 'Kingston' and we are there every Thursday. It is classy, fun and fabulous. While we were there W. got lucky to attract the guy playing saxophone. Maybe he was not the cutest guy on earth but he played sax. And as it later turned out he was a mix of three different nationalities and I guess I do not have to stress how much I like it (and so does she now after hanging out way too much with me). So while she was making out with him I sent her a message 'he is playing sax. don't refuse ANYTHING!'. But the things with them did not go further and somehow she ended up with another guy. She could not remember his name so she would call him 'Leen' (that's how she understood his name in a loud night club) or more often 'horny guy' (guess why). She spent rest of the night in Kingston with him. The next Thursday in our hot spot she met up with a Spanish guy and made out with him on the dance floor. I texted her 'I like him. Go for it!' to approve her choice and praise her good taste. She also stayed with him until the end of the party but didn't take him home.

Last Thursday when we met up before the party she looked terrified. On the way from the metro station to Kingston passing the Justice Palace and a promenade overlooking the city she admitted she had received two text messages on that day. One of which was from the horny guy and the other from the Spanish guy. Both were saying the same - that they would be delighted to see her in Kingston that night. She panicked. Probably, the sax guy would be there too meaning three guys she made out with - and at least two of them hoping for more. Over the course of the night she managed to make them not to come using weak but efficient excuses like 'oh sorry, I'm too tired today. Let's just call it a night' or 'I do not feel like partying tonight. It is just going to be me, a glass of wine and a film'. So we enjoyed the night together dancing and having fun with our friends. 

The relation with both of them somehow continued. 

The Spanish guy became very romantic. Another time, he took her out for a dinner and brought her to his spotlessly clean apartment. She got terrified again. What guy would keep his apartment that clean? It looked like a hospital or museum. Is he normal? What would he think if he saw my dirty room? Nevertheless, he was a gentleman and she couldn't reject him because of the clean flat, could she? He also brought her a cock (the animal of course - a small souvenir) from his trip to Northern Portugal. During one of the dates he said 'I might be falling in love with you'. That was too much. And this way he spoiled it saying something stupid like 'I love you'... Too clean flat, a cock and I love you? Too much. It had no future. The relation slowed down and invisibly finished. Then she just saw him dancing in a nightclub with some other girl a few weeks later...

Leen was also 'taken into consideration' a few times. He was the hilarious/pathetic clumsy type of a guy. Sometimes it was funny, sometimes it was better to cover your eyes with your hands or simply look away. He was lucky to be invited 'upstairs' which was good for both of them. I was already worried W. could get revirginized so I appreciated her interactions with horny Leen. No significant connection though so it never evolved further. It could not have been love so it's over now.

Show must go on. Fun must go on. Games must go on.

Although I would never trade the relationship with James to anything/anyone else I have to sincerely admit I sometimes miss those carefree stories - you never know where you will wake up or whether you pass the Eiffel Tower at night.

Luckily, we have memories. And single friends.

'octo-PUSSY'

A few days ago, I spoke on Facebook with my North African ex. He is in a relationship now. His boyfriend lives and studies in his city but is originally from another North African country. Unfortunately, they will have to switch to long-distance relationship soon. His boyfriend is moving back to his country and my ex will start his masters in Europe. I asked the standard question I always ask in such situations - what will happen with your relationship now? The answer I got was 'we don't know, we don't speak about it now and do not intend to do so, our relation will inevitably change but we will definitely stay in touch...'. 

'Is that all there is?' I thought. Isn't there any desire and willingness to fight for it? I know it is often about families and the society but don't they have guts to challenge themselves and try to make it work? And if there is no will then why are they together? What is the point of such a relationship? Fun? The feeling or having someone even if it is only for a limited period of time? What feelings do they have towards each other? I really cannot understand it...

The conversation continued but suddenly it was interrupted... My ex said 'listen I am having a terrible diarrhoea. I don't know if I will make it to the toilet'

There was no way we could continue the conversation. All the topics literally floated away with the liquid #2.

It is so good I am only friends with him now.

'all I want for Christmas is you' - part deux

James has just left today - back to his city on the border between Europe and Asia. He had been here with me for nine amazing days. 

I guess it was the best days we had spent together since we started our relationship. The fact that none of us had holidays helped a lot.

He arrived on the 23rd. The night before, I called him and he terrified me saying he had just got an email saying his flight had been cancelled. I freaked out. He calmly said not to worry and the next day I got another message saying he should be in my city before noon which was earlier than he was supposed to arrive. It calmed me but I was still uncertain whether I would spend this Christmas with him or by myself. The next day knowing that he would arrive during my working hours and being aware that I could not leave the office because of a training I informed the ladies at the reception that I would have a guest arriving. To my happiness I got a call from them saying that my guest had just arrived. It was great to see him. I took him to a café at my office and returned to the training. During the lunch break I drove him home. Then I came back to the office and was counting minutes to the end of the working day. The next day we had the Christmas Eve dinner. At the beginning I realized that it would be my first Christmas dinner without the 'big family' atmosphere. Just me and another person. He felt sort of weird too. It freaked me out but after a great food together, exchange of presents and most of all the fact of spending this magic time with my boyfriend I understood how amazing that evening was.

The rest of our time together was incredible too. Visiting the nice cities around the country, meeting up with some friends and making new ones, sleeping till noon, watching movies, having great sex etc Another thing was the trip to Paris. It was very sweet but also cliché. The whole city is very cliché so why couldn't we be this way too? It was wonderful. We saw the Eiffer Tower, Montmartre, Champs Elysées and all the other must-see places. We walked along the Seine hand in hand and kissed on the bridges over the river. Life is a movie, isn't it?

We had a lot of fun, some serious conversation on the future but also some small dramas and annoying moments. All I know is that I don't want him for Christmas only. I also want him for the rest of the year. And the coming years too.