So the next day after having the fabulous chats with straight guys I went to the capital (with some hangover) to do some sightseeing (it was amazing but I won’t go into details). Although the day before I was connected I didn’t think of meeting some guys on line and then seeing them in the capital the next day. Pity! I had a date… but with the city. If Carrie Bradshaw can date New York why couldn’t I have a date with the capital too? I had no choice to be honest.
However… at the end of day I was walking and looking for some cute guys with whom I could establish the eye contact and then maybe more kinds of contacts. I was unsuccessful unfortunately. With no hope after no eye connection whatsoever I was just about to cross the street when a car suddenly passed. The cute and young driver was starring at me so I looked back. I was hoping he would stop after finishing the curve but he didn’t. “Whatever!” I thought and kept walking. Then I found the metro station that was supposed to enter to go to the bus station and I was just about to go downstairs when I heard the horn of a car. It was him! Smiling and waving his hand when parking the car. I was stunned and speechless. I didn’t move until I figured out that he was waiting for me. Not realizing that it was really happening I slowly moved into the direction of the car. He opened the window. I stupidly asked “do we know each other?” and he replied “not yet” and suggested taking a coffee. I entered his car saying “oh my god! I don’t believe that it is happening , I don’t believe that I’m doing this!” (I know what you may think – I’m stupid and I risk too much. I am aware of the potential threats but I will keep taking them anyway. It’s just me). Unfortunately, my bus was about to leave soon so he drove me to the bus station. This was the last bus and I had to take it.
We sat on the bench at the bus station. My charm was just glowing and getting out of me. And so was his charm. He was amazing. The way we led the conversation was incredible. His eyes, his lips, his smile. I couldn’t believe that it was happening. If I had believed in the love at first sight I would have been in love (but I don’t believe and thus I’m not :) ) We kissed even though we were not alone. Just amazing. As if we had known each other for ages. And at that point it was around 30 minutes. Such thing never happened to me. We exchanged contacts. I got into the bus and saw him for the last time. No, it was not the last time. He came back to see me again through the window of the bus. I was speechless.
Today, we spoke on the phone. And as soon as I’m back home we’re going to chat. We’ll see how it goes. The distance is big so better not to have any expectations (although as you may know me I have already a lot of them). Come what may!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
5 straight guys and me
If you think that I had crazy group sex with 5 straight guys you’re unfortunately wrong. I just met them and had some interesting and funny conversation. They are all friends of my friend with whom I was spending Christmas in one of the country in southern Europe.
She is my flat mate and she once mentioned them that I was gay. However when I arrived and met them for the first time (God! The first meeting was so boring – they were all speaking their native language and I couldn’t break into the conversation or maybe I was just blocked…) they didn’t seem to realize anything. However, in the middle of the second meeting (with a lot of wine and beers) they started asking questions or joking. Their jokes were not offensive. They were actually joking about being gay (joking in an acceptable way) or sometimes behaving like gays and joking about themselves. Even me, I was doing the same. They were also asking some questions – typical question for people who don’t know much about gays. How is it? When did you discover that? and all that kind of things. They also appreciated that I don’t mind either joking or questioning. I had a lot of fun to be honest. It was an enlightening experience. Not only because of that but also because after first extremely boring meeting I didn’t want to see them anymore (they were nice but there was no connection). My friend however almost forced me to go for the second meeting. I did that and appeared them with a pissed off expression of the face. However, I decided to give them (and myself) a chance and initiated some discussion. Then the whole gay stuff began. It was really crazy and funny. I had so much fun. I also impressed them by the way I was participating in the discussion and having a huge distance to myself and being able to make fun of myself or laugh at their jokes. It also taught me not to judge people by the first impression and give a chance later (I mean that I didn’t like them at the beginning because the first meeting was so boring). It totally worked out.
At some point they were so excited about the interaction with me that they were all trying to talk to me at the same time and I couldn’t focus on listening to all of them. I was in the middle of the attention. I’d never had such a cool interaction and connection with so many straight guys at the same time. It was a new experience. Challenging my worldview. It was like meeting of two different cultures (gay & straight) and finding common language. Bridging the gap between them. I usually don’t have this kind of connection with most of straight guys (however, actually it’s recently started changing – I have one straight friend who always listens to my stories with guys and I always listen to his stories with girls – we’re always attentive with a lot of ideas how to solve situations). I must have more straight male friends ;)
She is my flat mate and she once mentioned them that I was gay. However when I arrived and met them for the first time (God! The first meeting was so boring – they were all speaking their native language and I couldn’t break into the conversation or maybe I was just blocked…) they didn’t seem to realize anything. However, in the middle of the second meeting (with a lot of wine and beers) they started asking questions or joking. Their jokes were not offensive. They were actually joking about being gay (joking in an acceptable way) or sometimes behaving like gays and joking about themselves. Even me, I was doing the same. They were also asking some questions – typical question for people who don’t know much about gays. How is it? When did you discover that? and all that kind of things. They also appreciated that I don’t mind either joking or questioning. I had a lot of fun to be honest. It was an enlightening experience. Not only because of that but also because after first extremely boring meeting I didn’t want to see them anymore (they were nice but there was no connection). My friend however almost forced me to go for the second meeting. I did that and appeared them with a pissed off expression of the face. However, I decided to give them (and myself) a chance and initiated some discussion. Then the whole gay stuff began. It was really crazy and funny. I had so much fun. I also impressed them by the way I was participating in the discussion and having a huge distance to myself and being able to make fun of myself or laugh at their jokes. It also taught me not to judge people by the first impression and give a chance later (I mean that I didn’t like them at the beginning because the first meeting was so boring). It totally worked out.
At some point they were so excited about the interaction with me that they were all trying to talk to me at the same time and I couldn’t focus on listening to all of them. I was in the middle of the attention. I’d never had such a cool interaction and connection with so many straight guys at the same time. It was a new experience. Challenging my worldview. It was like meeting of two different cultures (gay & straight) and finding common language. Bridging the gap between them. I usually don’t have this kind of connection with most of straight guys (however, actually it’s recently started changing – I have one straight friend who always listens to my stories with guys and I always listen to his stories with girls – we’re always attentive with a lot of ideas how to solve situations). I must have more straight male friends ;)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
recovery process
It’s not going fine. It’s like a wave. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. Now, I’m sitting alone in my apartment, reading blogs of my friends and thinking how boring my life is. Of course it’s not truth but I can’t get rid of this feeling. I have an exciting job, on Monday I went for a free dance class (and probably I will have more of them from January on), I got drunk and had a fabulous time with my friend, I finished my language course and heard that my progress was very impressive. Last night, I had a cool random sex with an Indian guy. An Indian guy with a European in the North Africa – my life is so full of diversity. He was quite rich so I could spend a night in his cool apartment. Not that I am a materialist but I never mind luxury :)
So now you will say – oh so he has sex with random people just a few days after break up. He must have already recovered. False! To make it more ironic – I met my sex date near the same hotel where I met A. (my ex) for our first date. I was standing there and wishing that he could call me or suddenly appear there, take me and tell that we can be together and he will never look for someone else. Of course, the miracles happen only in movies…
So then the Indian appeared. We went to his apartment, had a nice conversation and then started doing stuff. It was cool. No connection though. He talks too much and he doesn’t ask me too many questions which means I can’t talk too much which I don’t like. I stayed there over the night. At 9 AM he asked me to leave because he was expecting his flat mate to come (and we slept in his bed :) ). I didn’t feel offended or something so I just left. It was actually funny because I saw a very similar scene in a movie watched recently (so maybe life is a movie sometimes?).So around 10 AM I was back in my apartment. I got a call from A. I wasn’t surprised. He called on Tuesday but I had classes and couldn’t talk too long. Then I called him yesterday evening because he didn’t call me (he said he didn’t want to disturb me in the morning). So we talked today. It was really nice chat. Like usually when we were together. We both confessed each other that we still missed each other and we felt bad about the break up. However, I guess that both of us have still the same vision of the relationship that doesn’t match each other making being together impossible. I hope friendship will work out.
And now, I’m chatting with people counting for some random play...
So now you will say – oh so he has sex with random people just a few days after break up. He must have already recovered. False! To make it more ironic – I met my sex date near the same hotel where I met A. (my ex) for our first date. I was standing there and wishing that he could call me or suddenly appear there, take me and tell that we can be together and he will never look for someone else. Of course, the miracles happen only in movies…
So then the Indian appeared. We went to his apartment, had a nice conversation and then started doing stuff. It was cool. No connection though. He talks too much and he doesn’t ask me too many questions which means I can’t talk too much which I don’t like. I stayed there over the night. At 9 AM he asked me to leave because he was expecting his flat mate to come (and we slept in his bed :) ). I didn’t feel offended or something so I just left. It was actually funny because I saw a very similar scene in a movie watched recently (so maybe life is a movie sometimes?).So around 10 AM I was back in my apartment. I got a call from A. I wasn’t surprised. He called on Tuesday but I had classes and couldn’t talk too long. Then I called him yesterday evening because he didn’t call me (he said he didn’t want to disturb me in the morning). So we talked today. It was really nice chat. Like usually when we were together. We both confessed each other that we still missed each other and we felt bad about the break up. However, I guess that both of us have still the same vision of the relationship that doesn’t match each other making being together impossible. I hope friendship will work out.
And now, I’m chatting with people counting for some random play...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
single again
So my new relationship is over again. We broke up because we couldn’t find a common vision of the relationship. We just saw it in a different way.
But I’ll try from the beginning. It’s gonna be messy for sure.
On Wednesday I went to see him in his city (around 30 min by train from my place). We were supposed to have a coffee and then I was to come back home. But he decided to go with me and spent a night at my place. I was happy to hear that. We had nice time together, cool conversation, fabulous sex (believe me!) and we could fall asleep together and wake up together. It was just great. Then we met again on Friday. He came and spent night again. On Saturday we started the conversation about the future (the one that I was afraid of). I said that I was looking for a long term relationship and I would fight for our relationship if I only saw that it was really worth doing that (I mainly mean the fact that I will live in 6 months). He said the same. That was what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to say or him to say that he would fight for us. It’s too early for that. But I had to hear that he would be ready for fighting for something that he felt had potential for the future. I heard that and I decided not to speak about future until we had to make concrete decisions. Everything that I wanted to hear was said.
Then we started talking about gayness here. He first said that he would never tell his parents about himself. Then he said he would never marry a guy – he didn’t believe in such things. Marriage is for a man and a woman. That surprised me negatively but I didn’t say anything. Then he killed me – he said that one day he would want to have a wife and a baby. I was more than speechless. Later, I just figured out that he had different perception of relationship. He doesn’t want to spend life with one person. After marrying a woman he wants his gay partner to become his friend. He actually treats gay relationship as friendship. After some discussion with some of my gay friends I realized that it something quite common here. Maybe not common but happens often. Gays don’t want to be in a relationship with other gays for life. It’s not even about fear about what others say. It’s deep in their mentality. I guess monogamy in this culture doesn’t exist to the extent as e.g. in Europe.
Later I was thinking what to do. I wanted to break up. But I felt he didn’t want that. And I was too weak to say bye. So I said to myself and then to him: “no thinking of future”. Let it just be as it is. Come what may. Maybe we’ll be together now. And after I leave? Who cares! I thought I agreed for that with myself. But no. It’s not me. It’s what I want, who I am. This time no “come what may”. This time I need to have at least a bit of vision of the future. Of the fact that I want to have a relationship in the future. With one person – and that I don’t assume right now that I will have more than one person.
So today, I went through all my thoughts. I called him. We had a conversation. He was saying some promising things. That he doesn’t know the future, that he doesn’t say he wants wife for sure etc But he didn’t say that he wants one person for life. That he will be trying to have such a relationship. That’s what I wanted to hear. And this time I didn’t hear what I wanted to. So, I broke up. Actually it was a conclusion of both of us. And now we’re friends.
So I need to take my time to heal my wounds. Let’s be serious – last time it took less than two weeks so this time it will be less I guess.
We will see what is going to happen now. Another relationship or being single? Who the fuck knows that? No expectations. Come what may.
But I’ll try from the beginning. It’s gonna be messy for sure.
On Wednesday I went to see him in his city (around 30 min by train from my place). We were supposed to have a coffee and then I was to come back home. But he decided to go with me and spent a night at my place. I was happy to hear that. We had nice time together, cool conversation, fabulous sex (believe me!) and we could fall asleep together and wake up together. It was just great. Then we met again on Friday. He came and spent night again. On Saturday we started the conversation about the future (the one that I was afraid of). I said that I was looking for a long term relationship and I would fight for our relationship if I only saw that it was really worth doing that (I mainly mean the fact that I will live in 6 months). He said the same. That was what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to say or him to say that he would fight for us. It’s too early for that. But I had to hear that he would be ready for fighting for something that he felt had potential for the future. I heard that and I decided not to speak about future until we had to make concrete decisions. Everything that I wanted to hear was said.
Then we started talking about gayness here. He first said that he would never tell his parents about himself. Then he said he would never marry a guy – he didn’t believe in such things. Marriage is for a man and a woman. That surprised me negatively but I didn’t say anything. Then he killed me – he said that one day he would want to have a wife and a baby. I was more than speechless. Later, I just figured out that he had different perception of relationship. He doesn’t want to spend life with one person. After marrying a woman he wants his gay partner to become his friend. He actually treats gay relationship as friendship. After some discussion with some of my gay friends I realized that it something quite common here. Maybe not common but happens often. Gays don’t want to be in a relationship with other gays for life. It’s not even about fear about what others say. It’s deep in their mentality. I guess monogamy in this culture doesn’t exist to the extent as e.g. in Europe.
Later I was thinking what to do. I wanted to break up. But I felt he didn’t want that. And I was too weak to say bye. So I said to myself and then to him: “no thinking of future”. Let it just be as it is. Come what may. Maybe we’ll be together now. And after I leave? Who cares! I thought I agreed for that with myself. But no. It’s not me. It’s what I want, who I am. This time no “come what may”. This time I need to have at least a bit of vision of the future. Of the fact that I want to have a relationship in the future. With one person – and that I don’t assume right now that I will have more than one person.
So today, I went through all my thoughts. I called him. We had a conversation. He was saying some promising things. That he doesn’t know the future, that he doesn’t say he wants wife for sure etc But he didn’t say that he wants one person for life. That he will be trying to have such a relationship. That’s what I wanted to hear. And this time I didn’t hear what I wanted to. So, I broke up. Actually it was a conclusion of both of us. And now we’re friends.
So I need to take my time to heal my wounds. Let’s be serious – last time it took less than two weeks so this time it will be less I guess.
We will see what is going to happen now. Another relationship or being single? Who the fuck knows that? No expectations. Come what may.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
on line chatting
Some people are afraid of chatting on line but I guess I may share my experience related to that and convince you that it is not that bad (it is said that one out of eight couples in the US met on line).
Before I go to the point I’ll just update you with my life. My relationship is going fine. He had some family problems recently which made me a bit sad because he was sad and because we couldn’t meet. I also started talking about the future (it’s not actually about the future but rather about his long term goals and where a relationship fits in these goals – I say “a relationship” because I don’t mean our relationship. I just want to know in general. It’s a topic for another post that I will probably write after our next meeting that will take place tomorrow maybe).
So today, I was really bored and I started chatting just to have something to do. I had a lot of crappy conversations – that’s normal. But among all of them I met one cool guy. We had a really nice conversation. And these are the reasons why one should try it. Even if you have one cool chat out of ten shitty ones it’s still worth for this one, isn’t it? I am still in touch with some people that I started chatting and we have really nice conversations.
So people! Go on line and don’t be afraid! As I once said to my friend. Psychopaths are often in movies, in the real lives they are much more rare :)
Before I go to the point I’ll just update you with my life. My relationship is going fine. He had some family problems recently which made me a bit sad because he was sad and because we couldn’t meet. I also started talking about the future (it’s not actually about the future but rather about his long term goals and where a relationship fits in these goals – I say “a relationship” because I don’t mean our relationship. I just want to know in general. It’s a topic for another post that I will probably write after our next meeting that will take place tomorrow maybe).
So today, I was really bored and I started chatting just to have something to do. I had a lot of crappy conversations – that’s normal. But among all of them I met one cool guy. We had a really nice conversation. And these are the reasons why one should try it. Even if you have one cool chat out of ten shitty ones it’s still worth for this one, isn’t it? I am still in touch with some people that I started chatting and we have really nice conversations.
So people! Go on line and don’t be afraid! As I once said to my friend. Psychopaths are often in movies, in the real lives they are much more rare :)
Monday, December 3, 2007
carpe diem & come what may!
The love seems to be going so fine! We’ve been seeing each other a lot of times since we started dating. We used this time to explore each other (not only physically :P ), to get to know each other. He got to know my friends and liked them. A few times he said a really nice things, convincing me about his commitment. He made me be sure about his feelings. The level of his devotion to the relationship is fine as well. Not too much, not too little. He has his work, family, friends and now me. The same balance that I want to have. The speed of our relationship seems also perfect. Not too slow, not too fast. The future is still a big question but I guess for now it is not that bad. I think that when I have to make final decision of my next months about where I will spend them it will be the time to discuss our future. And it’s still something like 3-4 months until then so I guess it’s enough time to get to know each other well enough to be able to say if there can be something or not.
For now - carpe diem & come what may!
For now - carpe diem & come what may!
Monday, November 26, 2007
"yes"
Sorry for a slight delay in keeping you updated. I was actually planning to write this post almost a week ago but somehow I didn’t make it. Probably because my effectiveness last week was really low – not only in terms of blogging.
Anyways, “yes” was said last Tuesday. I actually asked him who he is for me – friend, boyfriend, lover or someone else? The answer was straight and clear: “Of course, I’m your boyfriend!”. For me it was not so “of course” that’s why I needed to ask.
Answer is of course very very great and even if the future seems unclear I don’t want to think of it too much. As he said to me last time that often from long time perspective, irresolvable problems seem much more resolvable as soon as they come closer. So, I’m doing my best not to think about far future.
Come what may!
Anyways, “yes” was said last Tuesday. I actually asked him who he is for me – friend, boyfriend, lover or someone else? The answer was straight and clear: “Of course, I’m your boyfriend!”. For me it was not so “of course” that’s why I needed to ask.
Answer is of course very very great and even if the future seems unclear I don’t want to think of it too much. As he said to me last time that often from long time perspective, irresolvable problems seem much more resolvable as soon as they come closer. So, I’m doing my best not to think about far future.
Come what may!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
seems so fine...
I’m back here in my beloved North African country after a week of being in Europe (let’s call it business trip).
I was all the time in touch with my dear. He called me a few times, I did the same. We skyped once. Everything seems so cool. I bought him a small souvenir.
I’m still afraid of thinking about the future and I rather try to avoid it although it’s not easy. Maybe, it’s better to just talk about it and figure out if in case we both realize it’s something serious we’ll be able to change our lives completely – e.g. me staying there more than I planned or him moving back with me to Europe. If none of this is possible, maybe it’s better to finish it – as soon as it is easy to end it at this point and thus avoid bigger disappointment.
I will not escape it but I still can postpone it and be happy of things going as they’re going.
I was all the time in touch with my dear. He called me a few times, I did the same. We skyped once. Everything seems so cool. I bought him a small souvenir.
I’m still afraid of thinking about the future and I rather try to avoid it although it’s not easy. Maybe, it’s better to just talk about it and figure out if in case we both realize it’s something serious we’ll be able to change our lives completely – e.g. me staying there more than I planned or him moving back with me to Europe. If none of this is possible, maybe it’s better to finish it – as soon as it is easy to end it at this point and thus avoid bigger disappointment.
I will not escape it but I still can postpone it and be happy of things going as they’re going.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
interpretation of being neglected
It's midnight. I'm still working. At the same time my skype is on. I'm expecting him to sign in but apparently he is sleeping now. That's bad because today, he promised me that he would be on line for 100%. Ok, probably something happened and he cannot do it. Maybe, he was too tired after day spent with his family doing shopping. Maybe, something else. Or maybe... I'm just trying to justify him and deny that he doesn't care about me?
That's actually very interesting dilemma. Either you're crazy imagining the worst stuff and being very suspicious or you say that everything is fine and thus you have explanation for everything that worries you (and somehow you deny problems if they really exist). Which situation is better to apply? The answer is - you never know.
If you choose the first one you may be perceived as someone really crazy who tries to search for problems everywhere. In my last relationship, I didn't have this approach. I took the second option where I was trying to justify everything but subconciously I was denying every negative sign. My approach didn't work out. So which one is better? The first one - maybe even a lighter version without freaking out but with being aware that truth may be painful. Or the second one - the one that keeps you calm all the time but sometimes it may put your attention down and thus you will not realize when problems appear.
Both of them seems bad. And apparently there is no third way.
That's actually very interesting dilemma. Either you're crazy imagining the worst stuff and being very suspicious or you say that everything is fine and thus you have explanation for everything that worries you (and somehow you deny problems if they really exist). Which situation is better to apply? The answer is - you never know.
If you choose the first one you may be perceived as someone really crazy who tries to search for problems everywhere. In my last relationship, I didn't have this approach. I took the second option where I was trying to justify everything but subconciously I was denying every negative sign. My approach didn't work out. So which one is better? The first one - maybe even a lighter version without freaking out but with being aware that truth may be painful. Or the second one - the one that keeps you calm all the time but sometimes it may put your attention down and thus you will not realize when problems appear.
Both of them seems bad. And apparently there is no third way.
is sex a skill? - I have an answer!
Straight after, I finished my previous post I went to my friend to ask her if she thinks if sex is a skill and if you can actually be better after some time (when you acquire some practice). She agreed with me. Although she is not an expert I feel better. I guess we often feel better when we hear what we want to hear (btw, it’s so pathetic). Either it’s truth or not, at least I’m not worrying at the very moment :)
date #3
So it’s after our 3rd date and I’m a bit less amazed than before.
But from the beginning. We met yesterday in the neighboring city after our jobs were finished (yeah, it was Saturday and we were both working). We went to my friends place to have a coffee with him and then we came back to my city. I prepared a nice dinner, we watched cool movie (Crash) and then went to the bed. The sex was good but not exciting. Slightly below my expectations which kind of made a bit upset. It was not very bad so I shouldn’t be really disappointed.
At this point, I realize a thing that I wouldn’t like to be aware of. Out of all guys, I’ve had sex with for the last months (after first break up), I must admit that the best person to have sex with was my ex from my country. Was it the matter of good sexual connection? Or just more than 4 years of practice? What would be the answers for these questions in general? If the sex is not very good at the first time, can it be better later? After you get to know the person and what he likes the most? Can you practice good sex like other skills? Is good sex a skill? I truly want to believe that! I remember it was the case in one of the episode of SATC. And since this TV show had a lot of universal truths maybe this is also truth. I hope so.
Anyway, later, I got a bit upset again. It’s because he withdrew his proposition to do me a big favor (driving at the airport at night – now, I will have to spend a night there). I totally understand his reasons but anyway, after he promised doing this I expected it and now I’m a bit sad (again – fucking expectations).
So, these two things have caused today that I’m not in my best mood. Apart from that, the time spent with him was really nice. He stayed for night in my apartment and that was really cool. Especially falling asleep and waking up next to him. He also asked me to be a good boy in France :) (where I’m going on Tuesday for one week) but didn’t show any signs of being jealous which is good (especially, when I told him I would spend two nights at my gay friend’s place). He just said he trusted me. He also seemed to want to see me as soon as I’m back even if it were to be in the middle of the working week. We’ll see if this promise will be kept.
Anyway, I’m obviously not going to take any actions because of my mood today. I pretty much believe that I’m just not doing good today but no big steps need to be taken because of that. I’m going to be a good boy and I’m going to miss him although today I seem a bit disappointed. In the end, I guess there is no person on this world that is always 100% satisfied with his/her relations (relationships, friendships, family etc). We always face challenges when it comes to relations. On the other hand, maybe I’m just justifying or trying to deny that something goes wrong. Who knows? Maybe! I won’t be sure for now so let’s just not think about it too much. Let’s just forget about that, get ride of the bad mood and enjoy the life!
But from the beginning. We met yesterday in the neighboring city after our jobs were finished (yeah, it was Saturday and we were both working). We went to my friends place to have a coffee with him and then we came back to my city. I prepared a nice dinner, we watched cool movie (Crash) and then went to the bed. The sex was good but not exciting. Slightly below my expectations which kind of made a bit upset. It was not very bad so I shouldn’t be really disappointed.
At this point, I realize a thing that I wouldn’t like to be aware of. Out of all guys, I’ve had sex with for the last months (after first break up), I must admit that the best person to have sex with was my ex from my country. Was it the matter of good sexual connection? Or just more than 4 years of practice? What would be the answers for these questions in general? If the sex is not very good at the first time, can it be better later? After you get to know the person and what he likes the most? Can you practice good sex like other skills? Is good sex a skill? I truly want to believe that! I remember it was the case in one of the episode of SATC. And since this TV show had a lot of universal truths maybe this is also truth. I hope so.
Anyway, later, I got a bit upset again. It’s because he withdrew his proposition to do me a big favor (driving at the airport at night – now, I will have to spend a night there). I totally understand his reasons but anyway, after he promised doing this I expected it and now I’m a bit sad (again – fucking expectations).
So, these two things have caused today that I’m not in my best mood. Apart from that, the time spent with him was really nice. He stayed for night in my apartment and that was really cool. Especially falling asleep and waking up next to him. He also asked me to be a good boy in France :) (where I’m going on Tuesday for one week) but didn’t show any signs of being jealous which is good (especially, when I told him I would spend two nights at my gay friend’s place). He just said he trusted me. He also seemed to want to see me as soon as I’m back even if it were to be in the middle of the working week. We’ll see if this promise will be kept.
Anyway, I’m obviously not going to take any actions because of my mood today. I pretty much believe that I’m just not doing good today but no big steps need to be taken because of that. I’m going to be a good boy and I’m going to miss him although today I seem a bit disappointed. In the end, I guess there is no person on this world that is always 100% satisfied with his/her relations (relationships, friendships, family etc). We always face challenges when it comes to relations. On the other hand, maybe I’m just justifying or trying to deny that something goes wrong. Who knows? Maybe! I won’t be sure for now so let’s just not think about it too much. Let’s just forget about that, get ride of the bad mood and enjoy the life!
Friday, November 9, 2007
dramas from the time perspective
Do you often have the feeling that first you were unhappy with something and then after some time passed you realize that the thing was not worth crying or worrying at all? I constantly have it. I broke up (or someone broke up with me) this year twice! In both cases it was so hard to deal with. But now from perspective, I’m so happy that both break-ups happened. I really don’t see the point why I should continue any of them. I guess it’s quite healthy approach. Regretting doing (or not doing) things in your life is on of the worst things… No regrets ;)
toxic relationships
Today, I started thinking about myself at the time when I finished my 4-year relationship (it was at the beginning of July). At that time, I sincerely believed that I didn’t want to be in any relationship anymore. That I can be happy being single. I thought that I couldn’t make anyone happy because I cannot love and I’m too self-centered. That I only knew how to hurt people and things like that. Now I realize that it’s so untrue. It was him that almost made me believe that. Actually, he succeeded in that. Luckily, it took me not that much time to discover that the reality is not as I thought. I can be in a relationship. I can take about other person and I can love. Shit! Why do sometimes others make you believe that you’re different from who you really are? … Do they subconsciously want to destroy you? Why doesn’t the opinion about ourselves depend on us only? Probably, we’re not objective enough. However, others does not necessarily have to be either. Maybe, it should be a mix from different sources. Maybe, then it will reflect the reality? Do others really know who we are? Do we know who we are?
Thursday, November 8, 2007
expectation - friend or foe?
Today is Thursday. My first date was on Sunday and the second one was on Tuesday. Right now, I’m so fucking amazed by him. I’m just speechless. He seems so great. He takes care of me. He’s worried about me. He jokes with me. He has serious conversations with me. He calls me so often. He skypes with me. He’s just so cool. How should I stop my feelings from going too far in too short period of time? Everyone keeps telling me “there is no rush, don’t hurry”. And what’s more I sincerely agree with that. But I just can’t do it! Even he told me this and I agreed with him. He just wants to enjoy the moment and see what the future will bring. I guess that’s the best solution for now. But… I just cannot stop thinking. Thinking about the city we could live together in the future, thinking if I could convince him to move to Europe, or if I could stay here for good. Or thinking that it cannot work out. Because of the distance, of too many differences, of too many obstacles and all that stuff. But on the other hand, you should fight for your love. I told him that. I told him that I would fight for my love and do my best to be together and overcome everything on the way to happiness. I didn’t say his name but obviously I was considering that. Now, someone should slap me really hard. STOP THINKING! STOP BUILDING EXPECTATIONS! Everyone around you says truth. There’s no rush. It’s just been a few days. You don’t know him that well… That’s all right. I agree. I just need to start thinking like this. Not going too far in envisioning future.
I've found a video perfectly reflecting my state. It's about love (someone please, slap me for saying this word), takes place in Paris (slap2) and its name is "come what may" (good approach!). I should "come what may".
Enjoy it!
I've found a video perfectly reflecting my state. It's about love (someone please, slap me for saying this word), takes place in Paris (slap2) and its name is "come what may" (good approach!). I should "come what may".
Enjoy it!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
the tensions HAVE risen!
I was right! There was something in the air! Something has finally happened.
Today, I had a 6 hour date! The date with the guy I wrote about in the previous post (another player in the game)! It was A W E S O M E! He’s 26 years old, has good work, is smart, funny and intelligent. Not necessarily my type but still cute.
But from the beginning. We had been chatting for couple of days before. We decided to meet on Sunday (today). He called me yesterday at 10pm to confirm today’s meeting. Then he went for the party with his friends and I went with my friends. What’s funny is that I wanted to call him last night and do this crazy thing of suddenly leaving the flat and going out with him in the middle of the night. Then I thought that it was too late for calls and I abandoned this idea. Today, he told me that he was planning to call me as well but he didn’t want to do it because it was too late :D It seems we had exactly the same thoughts at the same time.
Anyway, we meet today at midday and went by car (yes! he has a car! I’m not a materialist but this makes life so much easier!) at the beach. It was quite warm but not warm enough for me to swim. We were just lazily lying on the sand, from time to time touching each other, talking, laughing, looking at each other’s eyes and enjoying that very moment. Then we were in the car and things started to happen when he was driving… It was so great and cool that at some point I felt like drunk or high. I was so hot that I didn’t know if it was really happening. I was so happy. We were driving on a highway and passing cars, trees, signs. Music was on. It was so surreal… as if happening in slow motion… Then we arrived back in my city. As soon as I heard “All good things come to the end” I changed it for something more positive. We then went to have a dinner and later to a café near my flat. When we came back to the car it turned out that the it was blocked by another one. There was no way to drive. There was no point staying and waiting there so went to my apartment. It turned out that it was empty! Something really impossible on a Sunday evening! However, it was truth! The providence must have been on our side! I don’t have to tell you what was happening. It was fucking fabulous. Because of lack of condoms we couldn’t go too far but next time with them it will be just amazing. I can spend literally whole day in bed with him having sex. He’s so great.
And after a glimpse of facts it’s time for my thoughts! I shouldn’t start thinking or even writing about that but am I falling in love? Am I trying to imagine us together? Am I trying to investigate his personality to figure out if we fit together? The answers are I guess “yes”, “yes”, “yes”. I know, I’m stupid and shouldn’t be so fast but it’s just out of my control. I cannot stop thinking about that. I even asked him (not directly but I somehow put the question into the context of the discussion that we had at that moment) if he would be able to move and work in another country. I did it of course to check if there is possibility of us living together somewhere between my and his country… I don’t like this stuff in myself. I should just start trying not to have too many expectations and visions of the future. Let me just enjoy the moment – carpe diem! Not thinking about the far future but enjoying the presence.
There are also some inner concerns that he’s Muslim, he’s from a different culture and although I didn’t see any signs of that in his behavior one never knows what is hidden deeply in the personality – a personality from a different world although seemingly the same.
Well, again – my head is almost exploding of too many thoughts. And of course I should immediately get ride of all these imaginary things in my head (at least for now I hope they’re imaginary). As I said let me just enjoy the moment.
Me and him will be probably be seeing each other quite soon and quite often so we’ll see where the things will take us!
Anyway, I’m so excited!
As usually, await updates! They’ll be way more interesting now, I guess!
Today, I had a 6 hour date! The date with the guy I wrote about in the previous post (another player in the game)! It was A W E S O M E! He’s 26 years old, has good work, is smart, funny and intelligent. Not necessarily my type but still cute.
But from the beginning. We had been chatting for couple of days before. We decided to meet on Sunday (today). He called me yesterday at 10pm to confirm today’s meeting. Then he went for the party with his friends and I went with my friends. What’s funny is that I wanted to call him last night and do this crazy thing of suddenly leaving the flat and going out with him in the middle of the night. Then I thought that it was too late for calls and I abandoned this idea. Today, he told me that he was planning to call me as well but he didn’t want to do it because it was too late :D It seems we had exactly the same thoughts at the same time.
Anyway, we meet today at midday and went by car (yes! he has a car! I’m not a materialist but this makes life so much easier!) at the beach. It was quite warm but not warm enough for me to swim. We were just lazily lying on the sand, from time to time touching each other, talking, laughing, looking at each other’s eyes and enjoying that very moment. Then we were in the car and things started to happen when he was driving… It was so great and cool that at some point I felt like drunk or high. I was so hot that I didn’t know if it was really happening. I was so happy. We were driving on a highway and passing cars, trees, signs. Music was on. It was so surreal… as if happening in slow motion… Then we arrived back in my city. As soon as I heard “All good things come to the end” I changed it for something more positive. We then went to have a dinner and later to a café near my flat. When we came back to the car it turned out that the it was blocked by another one. There was no way to drive. There was no point staying and waiting there so went to my apartment. It turned out that it was empty! Something really impossible on a Sunday evening! However, it was truth! The providence must have been on our side! I don’t have to tell you what was happening. It was fucking fabulous. Because of lack of condoms we couldn’t go too far but next time with them it will be just amazing. I can spend literally whole day in bed with him having sex. He’s so great.
And after a glimpse of facts it’s time for my thoughts! I shouldn’t start thinking or even writing about that but am I falling in love? Am I trying to imagine us together? Am I trying to investigate his personality to figure out if we fit together? The answers are I guess “yes”, “yes”, “yes”. I know, I’m stupid and shouldn’t be so fast but it’s just out of my control. I cannot stop thinking about that. I even asked him (not directly but I somehow put the question into the context of the discussion that we had at that moment) if he would be able to move and work in another country. I did it of course to check if there is possibility of us living together somewhere between my and his country… I don’t like this stuff in myself. I should just start trying not to have too many expectations and visions of the future. Let me just enjoy the moment – carpe diem! Not thinking about the far future but enjoying the presence.
There are also some inner concerns that he’s Muslim, he’s from a different culture and although I didn’t see any signs of that in his behavior one never knows what is hidden deeply in the personality – a personality from a different world although seemingly the same.
Well, again – my head is almost exploding of too many thoughts. And of course I should immediately get ride of all these imaginary things in my head (at least for now I hope they’re imaginary). As I said let me just enjoy the moment.
Me and him will be probably be seeing each other quite soon and quite often so we’ll see where the things will take us!
Anyway, I’m so excited!
As usually, await updates! They’ll be way more interesting now, I guess!
Friday, November 2, 2007
the tensions are rising
To be honest, nothing new has recently happened. However, I have the feeling that it will change soon. I will either meet someone really cool or I will have a great sex.
I'm still in touch with this Hungarian - the one who speaks my language. He's so cool. I have some sex friends - no meetings with them yet though! I'm especially looking forward to meeting one of them - a guy with whom I had fabulous sex twice in summer before I went for the conference where I met my English ex. The fucking was really great! And he's so cute!
On Sunday, I may go to the beach with guy from the neighbouring city. He has boyfriend whom he loves so we can be friends and nothing more. Actually, I don't expect more - he's cool but friendship will do.
There is also another player in the game and it seems quite promising. I actually met him once through another guy whom I met on line. We were both on the same party and he brought his friend (the one who is this new player). We didn't talk at that time but he got my contact from his friend and then wrote me a message a few days ago. He's so funny, intelligent and likes teasing with me (omg, I wrote the same stuff about my English ex...). We'll probably meet soon. I believe there is potential to develop this relation farther but I don't want to think about it now. We'll see. In such cases, one shouldn't do too much on purpose. Just be yourself and everything should happen on their own!
When writing this I noticed something interesting. I clearly divide the types of the people I hang out with. There are those with whom I have sex (1). Those who are my friends (2) and THE ONE (3) who can be or who is my boyfriend (for now, I don't have THIS ONE but there are some people who I think are quite possible to be HIM - I don't know them well at all but at least I feel they're cool). When I have boyfriend usually, my sex friends are "cancelled". And I usually don't combine sex-friends with those ones for pure friendship. I just have the feeling that it either can lead you to relationship or to the end of friendship. I have one bad experience of having sex with someone who was almost my friend. Then the relation was irreversably changed. I don't know if I'm right with all this stuff but I just have such feelings.
Any my ex - we're in touch. Just writing emails each other once or twice a week. "How are you? How are you? bla bla bla". I don't want to stop it for now. Maybe, there is gonna be sth cool from that (no relationship though!). He finished the last email with "love" (and then his name). Obviously, I'm sure he doesn't love me. I just remember that he put this word in many emails previously when we were together. Now , I've realized that it must have meant the same as now - which is nothing. Anyway - stop complaining. I'm not as happy person as I was before break-up but now at least I'm fine and I don't miss him anymore. I've definetely recovered and it didn't take that much time - around 10 days I guess. Some people cannot recover after break-ups for weeks, months or even years! And I'm fine after 10 days!!! Does it mean that he was not THIS ONE? Or maybe I'm just strong? Or maybe I'm a bitch who cannot fall in love in a person really deeply? I really don't know and probably I will never know that...
Anyway, since I'm expecting new things to happen I will surely update you! Wish me good (and safe!) sex and cool people around!
I'm still in touch with this Hungarian - the one who speaks my language. He's so cool. I have some sex friends - no meetings with them yet though! I'm especially looking forward to meeting one of them - a guy with whom I had fabulous sex twice in summer before I went for the conference where I met my English ex. The fucking was really great! And he's so cute!
On Sunday, I may go to the beach with guy from the neighbouring city. He has boyfriend whom he loves so we can be friends and nothing more. Actually, I don't expect more - he's cool but friendship will do.
There is also another player in the game and it seems quite promising. I actually met him once through another guy whom I met on line. We were both on the same party and he brought his friend (the one who is this new player). We didn't talk at that time but he got my contact from his friend and then wrote me a message a few days ago. He's so funny, intelligent and likes teasing with me (omg, I wrote the same stuff about my English ex...). We'll probably meet soon. I believe there is potential to develop this relation farther but I don't want to think about it now. We'll see. In such cases, one shouldn't do too much on purpose. Just be yourself and everything should happen on their own!
When writing this I noticed something interesting. I clearly divide the types of the people I hang out with. There are those with whom I have sex (1). Those who are my friends (2) and THE ONE (3) who can be or who is my boyfriend (for now, I don't have THIS ONE but there are some people who I think are quite possible to be HIM - I don't know them well at all but at least I feel they're cool). When I have boyfriend usually, my sex friends are "cancelled". And I usually don't combine sex-friends with those ones for pure friendship. I just have the feeling that it either can lead you to relationship or to the end of friendship. I have one bad experience of having sex with someone who was almost my friend. Then the relation was irreversably changed. I don't know if I'm right with all this stuff but I just have such feelings.
Any my ex - we're in touch. Just writing emails each other once or twice a week. "How are you? How are you? bla bla bla". I don't want to stop it for now. Maybe, there is gonna be sth cool from that (no relationship though!). He finished the last email with "love" (and then his name). Obviously, I'm sure he doesn't love me. I just remember that he put this word in many emails previously when we were together. Now , I've realized that it must have meant the same as now - which is nothing. Anyway - stop complaining. I'm not as happy person as I was before break-up but now at least I'm fine and I don't miss him anymore. I've definetely recovered and it didn't take that much time - around 10 days I guess. Some people cannot recover after break-ups for weeks, months or even years! And I'm fine after 10 days!!! Does it mean that he was not THIS ONE? Or maybe I'm just strong? Or maybe I'm a bitch who cannot fall in love in a person really deeply? I really don't know and probably I will never know that...
Anyway, since I'm expecting new things to happen I will surely update you! Wish me good (and safe!) sex and cool people around!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
back in the game
Today, I renewed one old relation. The one with a guy whom I randomly met on line before I met my English guy. He is really cute and what he can do in bed is just amazing. His tongue can do miracles! Probably, we’ll meet soon for a small rendez-vous ;)
By the way, I feel again that I don’t need anyone in my life for now. This means that I’ve finally recovered…
By the way, I feel again that I don’t need anyone in my life for now. This means that I’ve finally recovered…
Thursday, October 25, 2007
new "players" in the game
So, there are new players in the game called "my life". Were you surprised/shocked/astonished when you read about my virtual sex? Some of you might have been. But those who know me weren’t I suppose.
I'm gonna give you some updates. A few days ago I refreshed my gay profile on one of the website and decided to… yes, why did I do it? I don’t know… To meet new friends? To have random sex? To meet the one? Maybe everything a bit! I just have the feeling if I don’t do anything in terms of meeting people, going out etc I will never change anything in my personal life. I don’t mean that I’m desperately looking for someone. I’m just trying to do something instead of doing anything (if you know what I mean).
So, yesterday, I had one meeting in a café. The guy was totally cool. Smart, intelligent, handsome (not my type though) and we had a nice conversation. He lives in neighboring city with a nice beach and he invited me to go there. He has a boyfriend whom he really loves and he’s just looking for friends (he was out of the country for 3 years and now he’s back). I’m totally fine with the fact he has a boyfriend! He’s really nice but I don’t feel THAT kind of connection. We’ll see if there is going to be anything out of this thing.
Another thing – I had a really cool and extremely long skype chat with my “virtual sex friend”. He’s so fucking cool person!! Incredible!! How could I ever expect that I would have such nice conversation with person with whom my relation started from saying some nasty and filthy words :) When I met him last weekend I thought he was my nationality! Then it turned out that he is Hungarian but just studies my language in Hungary (why? – because he’s passionate about it – believe me, my native language is not very popular). It is so weird when person with whom you are chatting in your own language is suddenly telling you that he’s foreigner who loves your language and your country. Such person must be interesting and I’m going to continue and develop this relation.
And as a desert – my ex and me. He replied for my email proposing friendship (this was my second email – in the first one I wrote him that I still love him and I want to be with him – I know that that was completely stupid). He’s totally for doing that! I guess I’m happy about that as well. My feelings for him are gradually disappearing and I’m starting to have more healthy approach to everything related to it. It’s past so let’s think about the future.
Await more updates!
I'm gonna give you some updates. A few days ago I refreshed my gay profile on one of the website and decided to… yes, why did I do it? I don’t know… To meet new friends? To have random sex? To meet the one? Maybe everything a bit! I just have the feeling if I don’t do anything in terms of meeting people, going out etc I will never change anything in my personal life. I don’t mean that I’m desperately looking for someone. I’m just trying to do something instead of doing anything (if you know what I mean).
So, yesterday, I had one meeting in a café. The guy was totally cool. Smart, intelligent, handsome (not my type though) and we had a nice conversation. He lives in neighboring city with a nice beach and he invited me to go there. He has a boyfriend whom he really loves and he’s just looking for friends (he was out of the country for 3 years and now he’s back). I’m totally fine with the fact he has a boyfriend! He’s really nice but I don’t feel THAT kind of connection. We’ll see if there is going to be anything out of this thing.
Another thing – I had a really cool and extremely long skype chat with my “virtual sex friend”. He’s so fucking cool person!! Incredible!! How could I ever expect that I would have such nice conversation with person with whom my relation started from saying some nasty and filthy words :) When I met him last weekend I thought he was my nationality! Then it turned out that he is Hungarian but just studies my language in Hungary (why? – because he’s passionate about it – believe me, my native language is not very popular). It is so weird when person with whom you are chatting in your own language is suddenly telling you that he’s foreigner who loves your language and your country. Such person must be interesting and I’m going to continue and develop this relation.
And as a desert – my ex and me. He replied for my email proposing friendship (this was my second email – in the first one I wrote him that I still love him and I want to be with him – I know that that was completely stupid). He’s totally for doing that! I guess I’m happy about that as well. My feelings for him are gradually disappearing and I’m starting to have more healthy approach to everything related to it. It’s past so let’s think about the future.
Await more updates!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
virtual sex
Last night, I couldn’t sleep. It had not been something new recently. I’ve had a really awful toothache for a few days. I won’t mention the other kind of pain I have to suffer from. So, it was another sleepless night and I decided to have some random chats with so random gay guys. But quickly, I realized that chat wasn’t something that I really needed. I wanted to have virtual sex. It was not easy to find a good candidate. They were either busy or were not replying. But eventually, I found a cool person. He had skype with cam. So I called him, we turned on our cams and … it happened :) After that, to my great surprise, he wanted to have a chat about normal stuff. It turned out that he studies at my university. Moreover, he is single and he feels bad about it – he would like to have someone by his side. Probably, I will be such person now. Of course, to have virtual sex from time to time only.
So, are you thinking right now why I did it? To forget about my English ex? Probably, that’s the reason. However, I don’t think if it helps in that at all. Furthermore, first time I was not excited about the fact that I’m free and I can do such things. Will one virtual one night stand help me in forgetting person I love? I’m not so sure. I don’t think so. Haha but why not keep on doing it more often? Just for the pleasure and for the sake of not thinking about problems during this short moment.
Exactly one week ago, I was dying of excitement because of his visit. I was so fucking happy. And last night? Some animal, mechanical, virtual sex – that’s all he left me with…
So, are you thinking right now why I did it? To forget about my English ex? Probably, that’s the reason. However, I don’t think if it helps in that at all. Furthermore, first time I was not excited about the fact that I’m free and I can do such things. Will one virtual one night stand help me in forgetting person I love? I’m not so sure. I don’t think so. Haha but why not keep on doing it more often? Just for the pleasure and for the sake of not thinking about problems during this short moment.
Exactly one week ago, I was dying of excitement because of his visit. I was so fucking happy. And last night? Some animal, mechanical, virtual sex – that’s all he left me with…
Friday, October 19, 2007
recovery process
written less than 2 weeks ago:
‘ I'm still very positive about how it all can go in the future. For now, nothing seems to be clear but I feel it will be ok.
And definetely, it's gonna be great in the very near future since he's coming here next weekend! We're gonna have a wonderful time ‘
Haha. How stupid I was! ' I feel it will be ok '
I guess I should stop feeling because it's definetely not something that I'm good at. I should focus on other things but not feeling anything because it's not my strong side.
Ok, stop being sarcastic about yourself!
How is the recovery process going.
I think some people are extremely depressed when they break down. They cannot see their lives going on. They want to die. They are irreversibly changed. I'm not this kind of person. I do believe that my life can go on without him. I have a lot of other things to accomplish. I'm not dying of depression. That's quite good of course.
But it's not easy either. I live my life because I want to have good job, help others, have my friends, family and of course HIM - the one person. Now, that he broke up with me, my life was deprived of one reason. I have less reasons to live (enough to stay - don't worry).
During last 3 days, I've almost done no work at all. I've spent it talking to people, chatting, confessing and trying to get rid of my frustrations. It was helping for a while but moments of sadness come back quickly. Then they disappear and are back again. How long will it be? However, I'm extremely grateful to a lot of people around me who support me in this fucking drama of mine. At least, I know I have friends! Thank you guys!
Recently, I've started wondering why during my previous relationship it was easier to recover. Certainly, it was me who broke up so it was my decision and I had some sense of control over this. A few days ago I was just forced to face the situation of him leaving me. That's one difference.
But not only is this the thing that makes it something else now. My two previous relationships finished in a very nasty way. Accusations, trying to make each other guilty, threatening, wishing death and all that crap. After hearing such things you start wondering: 'Why the hell I was with him? What did I see in him?' Such drama break up actually helps a lot to heal the wounds. Last Monday, he did everything (besides the fact the he broke up) not to make me feel bad. Trying to avoid hurting me. Offering friendship. How in such situation can I hate him? It's not easy to hate him and thus stop loving him.
Should I then call him or write a nasty email saying how much I hate him? Writing him how he has destroyed my life, wishing him death? Threatening?
That would be quite convenient way of dealing with stuff. He would probably react in the same way which would show his dark side and thus I would realize that it's good that we broke up. I would probably say 'oh my God! Why did I waste 1,5 months with such a shallow person?'
Well, I probably won't do it. It's not my way of finishing things. I just cannot be that bad (unless someone attacks me first). As I said I took him to the most beautiful place after he broke up. So I possibly will not release all the toxic feelings burning me from inside. That's surely not going to support recovery process. Actually, I don't know why I'm not going to do that. But I'm not!
Today during my language course, at my presentation concerning work I do in this country at my NGO, my teacher said that the stuff I do is very noble and she admires me. Moreover, as I said I'm not going to finish my relation with him in a toxic way.
That makes me think - if I'm such a good [and stupid] boy (why does being good and stupid so often goes together????) why does the faith punish me like this? What have I done wrong? Maybe, I'm not a good boy as I think? Maybe, I deserved that?
It would be nice to write something nice at the end, something that conveys ray of light for the future. I won't do it - it's not time for this.
Here you have one of my favourite songs. One that I always listen to when I'm in bad mood. Or let's call things as they really are - when I'm depressed.
'Désenchantée' by Mylene Farmer (fr. désenchantée=disappointed)
‘ I'm still very positive about how it all can go in the future. For now, nothing seems to be clear but I feel it will be ok.
And definetely, it's gonna be great in the very near future since he's coming here next weekend! We're gonna have a wonderful time ‘
Haha. How stupid I was! ' I feel it will be ok '
I guess I should stop feeling because it's definetely not something that I'm good at. I should focus on other things but not feeling anything because it's not my strong side.
Ok, stop being sarcastic about yourself!
How is the recovery process going.
I think some people are extremely depressed when they break down. They cannot see their lives going on. They want to die. They are irreversibly changed. I'm not this kind of person. I do believe that my life can go on without him. I have a lot of other things to accomplish. I'm not dying of depression. That's quite good of course.
But it's not easy either. I live my life because I want to have good job, help others, have my friends, family and of course HIM - the one person. Now, that he broke up with me, my life was deprived of one reason. I have less reasons to live (enough to stay - don't worry).
During last 3 days, I've almost done no work at all. I've spent it talking to people, chatting, confessing and trying to get rid of my frustrations. It was helping for a while but moments of sadness come back quickly. Then they disappear and are back again. How long will it be? However, I'm extremely grateful to a lot of people around me who support me in this fucking drama of mine. At least, I know I have friends! Thank you guys!
Recently, I've started wondering why during my previous relationship it was easier to recover. Certainly, it was me who broke up so it was my decision and I had some sense of control over this. A few days ago I was just forced to face the situation of him leaving me. That's one difference.
But not only is this the thing that makes it something else now. My two previous relationships finished in a very nasty way. Accusations, trying to make each other guilty, threatening, wishing death and all that crap. After hearing such things you start wondering: 'Why the hell I was with him? What did I see in him?' Such drama break up actually helps a lot to heal the wounds. Last Monday, he did everything (besides the fact the he broke up) not to make me feel bad. Trying to avoid hurting me. Offering friendship. How in such situation can I hate him? It's not easy to hate him and thus stop loving him.
Should I then call him or write a nasty email saying how much I hate him? Writing him how he has destroyed my life, wishing him death? Threatening?
That would be quite convenient way of dealing with stuff. He would probably react in the same way which would show his dark side and thus I would realize that it's good that we broke up. I would probably say 'oh my God! Why did I waste 1,5 months with such a shallow person?'
Well, I probably won't do it. It's not my way of finishing things. I just cannot be that bad (unless someone attacks me first). As I said I took him to the most beautiful place after he broke up. So I possibly will not release all the toxic feelings burning me from inside. That's surely not going to support recovery process. Actually, I don't know why I'm not going to do that. But I'm not!
Today during my language course, at my presentation concerning work I do in this country at my NGO, my teacher said that the stuff I do is very noble and she admires me. Moreover, as I said I'm not going to finish my relation with him in a toxic way.
That makes me think - if I'm such a good [and stupid] boy (why does being good and stupid so often goes together????) why does the faith punish me like this? What have I done wrong? Maybe, I'm not a good boy as I think? Maybe, I deserved that?
It would be nice to write something nice at the end, something that conveys ray of light for the future. I won't do it - it's not time for this.
Here you have one of my favourite songs. One that I always listen to when I'm in bad mood. Or let's call things as they really are - when I'm depressed.
'Désenchantée' by Mylene Farmer (fr. désenchantée=disappointed)
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
...and they [were supposed to] live happily ever after
He came here on Saturday! My heart was beating like crazy when I was about to see him getting off the train. And then I saw him... I was so happy to have him in Morocco. We hugged on the platform, went outside, caught a cab and when at my place. At the beginning we didn't kiss for hello though :( It was so weird and when we finally did it we both noticed how weird it was. Then it was nicer. We did some sightseeing. However, he was not willing to speak about our future. I guess it’s not that he didn’t want – he just wasn't considering this at all. It was out of scope for his thoughts. When I asked him when we could see next time he said he didn't know. A minute later he seemed he even didn't hear this question. First night, we were trying to have sex. It somehow didn't work. It was weird and he seemed embarrassed or something. I was not that worried because sometimes in my opinion it takes time to "adjust" to another person - and the sex can be wonderful then. It took us a few hours to make a considerable step to this "adjustment" as sex the next morning was much better. I seemed glowing and shining after this morning (that's what my flat mates told me). I was so happy. During the day it was not that good. I felt some barriers between us... I felt he didn't want to (or he rather didn't realize) speak about us. I felt like his friend not boyfriend. He didn't show positive or negative emotion. Practically, there were no emotions at all. The second night was really bad. He slept next to me but I felt he didn't see me or he didn’t realize I was so close to him (and in fact so far). As if I were a ghost. For the whole day today I just didn't know what to speak with him about... I am usually very honest in terms of my feelings but I had no clue how to tell him what I feel and what I don't like. He just seemed not to realize it, understand it - whatever! But yesterday in the train, it was him who started to talk. He said "I've been thinking about us and..." I was so happy to hear that. I suddenly became so open to talk about everything that was stuck in me. Words and thoughts started coming out of me and we had a serious discussion during which I realized... He was so open because he wanted to tell me that he didn't see future of this relationship. Distance was too big problem. He would like to have someone in London next to him. I just understood everything and when we officially broke up (he actually did it) we decided to be friends. I wouldn't mind doing that although that may not seem reasonable at all. My two previous relationships (when it was me who broke up) ended in a really bad way without good memories. That's why I decided that this time it would be different. I won't be this kind of a toxic guy who cannot understand that someone breaks up with him and does everything to spoil his ex’s life. After official break up I took him to the most beautiful and romantic place in the city. A place from which you can see gorgeous panoramas of the centre. A place where lovers come to admire views or look at each other's eyes. Or to confess love... And I went there with my ex – minutes after breaking up. How ironic! How awkward! How sick! Did I do it to torture myself? I believe so! Afterwards we ended up in his hotel having goodbye sex. Yes, one shouldn't have sex with his ex. But I wanted to have at least one good memory from this trip. And we just said goodbye....... And today I'll probably receive any email from him as he asked me if I would be still sending him email everyday. He said he liked it and he would like to keep continuing it.
After this breaking up I feel really bad :( I feel defeated by life. It's like one part of your life is a total disaster. You may have nice job, friends, money and all the stuff. But you don't have someone by your side anymore :( One aspect of my life failed really badly.... I don't know why I was so positive about this relationship. Why I believed that it's going to work out. Now, it's all over. And my hope for being in any new relationship in the future is ZERO.
I feel so stupid, cheated on. I remember saying how even contribution we both have into this relationship. And it ended up with my contribution so huge and no contribution of his.
The first time in my life I feel I want to be with someone... The first time, I feel bad because of being single. The first time someone broke up with me. What’s going to happen next? Will I forget quickly as it was when it was me to break up with my exes? Will I recover in a few days and be really sarcastic about this relationship? Will I find someone new? What the recovery process will look like? Tough and hard? Is it a matter of days, weeks or months? Will I ever stop feeling love for him? Will I not care as I don’t care about my two previous relationships?
Time will show…
Nothing can help me right now. I just have to wait…
After this breaking up I feel really bad :( I feel defeated by life. It's like one part of your life is a total disaster. You may have nice job, friends, money and all the stuff. But you don't have someone by your side anymore :( One aspect of my life failed really badly.... I don't know why I was so positive about this relationship. Why I believed that it's going to work out. Now, it's all over. And my hope for being in any new relationship in the future is ZERO.
I feel so stupid, cheated on. I remember saying how even contribution we both have into this relationship. And it ended up with my contribution so huge and no contribution of his.
The first time in my life I feel I want to be with someone... The first time, I feel bad because of being single. The first time someone broke up with me. What’s going to happen next? Will I forget quickly as it was when it was me to break up with my exes? Will I recover in a few days and be really sarcastic about this relationship? Will I find someone new? What the recovery process will look like? Tough and hard? Is it a matter of days, weeks or months? Will I ever stop feeling love for him? Will I not care as I don’t care about my two previous relationships?
Time will show…
Nothing can help me right now. I just have to wait…
Saturday, October 6, 2007
sources of inspiration
I just want to share that yesterday I saw the last episode of Sex and the City. OMG, it was so fabulous. I won't be telling you details now - just see it! Of course, I was crying!
I love this TV show! And I'm a bit sad that I finished watching it (unless I start from the beginning!)
Now, the time for my another favourite TV show - Desperate Housewives. They aired fourth season last Sunday - usually it's on the web next day :)
I love both of them. They seem stupid if you don't watch them carefully and don't try to figure out what each episode tries to convey!
Simple truths about our lives, friendships, relationships...
I love this TV show! And I'm a bit sad that I finished watching it (unless I start from the beginning!)
Now, the time for my another favourite TV show - Desperate Housewives. They aired fourth season last Sunday - usually it's on the web next day :)
I love both of them. They seem stupid if you don't watch them carefully and don't try to figure out what each episode tries to convey!
Simple truths about our lives, friendships, relationships...
my love recently
It's been much better with me lately. We're not in touch that much (he's all the time busy :( ) but at least I am not pissed off, worried, depressed or sth. I guess I have to accept things as they are. And I don't know why I'm still very positive about how it all can go in the future. For now , nothing seems to be clear but I feel it will be ok.
And definetely, it's gonna be great in the very near future since he's coming here next weekend! We're gonna have a wonderful time and for sure sex for the first time! I will keep you updated!
Bisous mes cheries!
And definetely, it's gonna be great in the very near future since he's coming here next weekend! We're gonna have a wonderful time and for sure sex for the first time! I will keep you updated!
Bisous mes cheries!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
mystery solved
So, the mystery is solved. Yesterday, I caught him by chance on MSN. Our chat lasted only for a few minutes. What I learnt was the probably he wasn't mad on me or something. He's just fucking busy and doesn't have time for anything. He even didn't read my Sunday emails...
I'm more calm in terms of the fact that I know what is happening... But on the other hand, I cannot believe that person is not able to find 5 minutes per day to write an email...
I guess the best thing I can do now is to do nothing about it. When he comes here I will tell him about my frustrations but for now - no actions.
... I'm a bit frustrated
Let's watch one episode of "Sex and the city" and then get down to work! :)
I'm more calm in terms of the fact that I know what is happening... But on the other hand, I cannot believe that person is not able to find 5 minutes per day to write an email...
I guess the best thing I can do now is to do nothing about it. When he comes here I will tell him about my frustrations but for now - no actions.
... I'm a bit frustrated
Let's watch one episode of "Sex and the city" and then get down to work! :)
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
"can't get you out of my head"
Ok... I'm really pissed off. I dont know what is going on. He hasn't given any sign of being alive since Sunday evening. Is he trying to punish me for not replying or am I just freaking out? I'm really getting crazy and imagining the worst things (i.e. he's punishing me and that's why our relationship will not work because I've had such experience with my ex and I don't want to have such dramas anymore... aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!) I wish I could stop thinking about this and just get back to work but I guess it's not possible! God!!! I hate feeling like this...
Monday, September 24, 2007
drama?
So, here we go! I've just started a relationship and after a few weeks I'm freaking out.
I was out of the city for a few days and so was he. I was having a visit of my family and he attended a conference. He emailed me on Saturday and although I received it I didn't reply. For different reasons I was extremely tired. Alright, and I wanted to see how he would react if I didn't reply the same day. So on Sunday, he emailed me again writing about his day, last hours of the conference and bla bla bla. But he started his email with "It's me - that cool dude from ****** - just in case you have forgotten!!" (**** is the name of the city where he comes from - irrelevant here). Of course I replied as soon as I could saying sorry and all that stuff. No response from him so far - almost 24 hours...
And now I'm only wondering - is he really mad or something? But the most important questions is whether he's this type of person who shows to whole world his dissatisfaction when something doesn't go as he wants it. Is he that demanding type of a guy? That makes me scared because this thing crashed my last relationship. And I don't wanna have the same dramas anymore. Do we tend to get involved in relationships with same kind of people? Brrr... I hope not! That would be frightening!
Ok, I'm exaggerating! Let's wait for more positive signs of contacts! No more drama!
I was out of the city for a few days and so was he. I was having a visit of my family and he attended a conference. He emailed me on Saturday and although I received it I didn't reply. For different reasons I was extremely tired. Alright, and I wanted to see how he would react if I didn't reply the same day. So on Sunday, he emailed me again writing about his day, last hours of the conference and bla bla bla. But he started his email with "It's me - that cool dude from ****** - just in case you have forgotten!!" (**** is the name of the city where he comes from - irrelevant here). Of course I replied as soon as I could saying sorry and all that stuff. No response from him so far - almost 24 hours...
And now I'm only wondering - is he really mad or something? But the most important questions is whether he's this type of person who shows to whole world his dissatisfaction when something doesn't go as he wants it. Is he that demanding type of a guy? That makes me scared because this thing crashed my last relationship. And I don't wanna have the same dramas anymore. Do we tend to get involved in relationships with same kind of people? Brrr... I hope not! That would be frightening!
Ok, I'm exaggerating! Let's wait for more positive signs of contacts! No more drama!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
we
So, here I am! Almost 3 weeks after I saw him for last time. I came back and all the ghosts of the past (my one night stands) started to gradually haunt me! I have no interest in them anymore! Not at all! I’m thinking how I can avoid them. I’m not using my gay msn or gay profiles anymore. I feel so happy that that period of being single is finally over! And I am so surprised that I’ve come up with such conclusions! When being with my ex boyfriend I was only thinking of being single. When I finally reached that state I was happy. And I’m even more happier not being single anymore! I surprise myself. I think I don’t know myself very much…
But, let’s focus on my relationship. One thing that is really great is that I feel we have really even contribution to the relationship and similar expectations. We have our lives, our friends, we don’t need to spend all the time together, we trust each other, we leave each other some freedom, we don’t want anyone between us, we don’t want open relationship, we love time spent together, we both care about our careers, we miss each other… there is a lot of other we’s. I must admit that the first feelings that I had for him when I realized I wanted something more were nothing special or new for me. I used to have it a couple of times with others. But… there was one significant difference. That time my mind, my common sense were telling me that that was the right person, that although distance you should try! My heart and my common sense agreed with each other! That was something special, that was something new! I couldn’t refuse! I didn’t want to do it!
However, I have to admit that it was not easy sometimes within last 3 weeks. E.g. last weekend I felt really bad. I didn’t have any message from him for 48 hours (then it turned out that one message was not delivered – fuck the mobile phone operators!!!) and I was quite pessimistic about the future. Of course nothing happened and it was just the matter of the mood which is quite better now. And I’m more optimistic about the future.
So dear readers, I finally managed to reach the presence. I’ve written about all the most important stories from my last month and from now on I will only write about my current thoughts and stories!
I give a lot of time to thinking about different stuff (maybe to much).
Be patient in waiting for them!
But, let’s focus on my relationship. One thing that is really great is that I feel we have really even contribution to the relationship and similar expectations. We have our lives, our friends, we don’t need to spend all the time together, we trust each other, we leave each other some freedom, we don’t want anyone between us, we don’t want open relationship, we love time spent together, we both care about our careers, we miss each other… there is a lot of other we’s. I must admit that the first feelings that I had for him when I realized I wanted something more were nothing special or new for me. I used to have it a couple of times with others. But… there was one significant difference. That time my mind, my common sense were telling me that that was the right person, that although distance you should try! My heart and my common sense agreed with each other! That was something special, that was something new! I couldn’t refuse! I didn’t want to do it!
However, I have to admit that it was not easy sometimes within last 3 weeks. E.g. last weekend I felt really bad. I didn’t have any message from him for 48 hours (then it turned out that one message was not delivered – fuck the mobile phone operators!!!) and I was quite pessimistic about the future. Of course nothing happened and it was just the matter of the mood which is quite better now. And I’m more optimistic about the future.
So dear readers, I finally managed to reach the presence. I’ve written about all the most important stories from my last month and from now on I will only write about my current thoughts and stories!
I give a lot of time to thinking about different stuff (maybe to much).
Be patient in waiting for them!
once upon a time...
All the stories that I’ve been writing about started in June and the last post (enjoying being single) describes the second half of July and first half of August. The time where I had a lot of one night stands with people who I even didn't speak English. We used other language to communicate. The language that is understood worldwide. So there was me with all these guys, me enjoying being single and saying to myself that I don't need relationship, I don't need anyone by my side (except friends and family)... That was the plan.
A few months ago I knew that I would go abroad for an international conference for almost two weeks in the second half of August. I was very excited about this opportunity. Not important why. So, when I was having the time of my life during one party at that conference (internal party for conference participants only), I saw a guy staring at me. He was not my type but seemed nice. I'm usually quite brave in such situations so I stood next to him. He was speaking with my friend so I waited a while until they finished. When they did we were both standing in a short distance from each other. But one could feel the tension. Then we started talking (it was so obvious that eventually we’d start doing that). Almost whole night. Then the next day during the breaks, another parties and so on and on… In the meantime we figured out that we were both gays. None of us was surprised admitting that. We felt it before. It was really nice.
Then I realized he wanted more. As he said he wanted closer physical and psychological contact. It was too much for me. He was so cool but I did not want any relationship. Especially a distance one since he was from Western Europe and I am from Eastern Europe currently living in Northern Africa. With no hesitation I said “NO, but we can be friends!” We were still enjoying time spent together.
A few nights later, I decided to have a sex date with my other friend. We actually had sex before at the very beginning of the conference however it was so bad! It is always like this when people in bed have different expectations what to do. It was really bad but I decided to give him another chance. And I started to think… “What would my new friend from Western Europe think after I have sex with this another guy. But hold on… I’m single! I don’t need to care about what others think since I don’t have a boyfriend!” I went for the sex date with a lot of doubts though. Eventually nothing happened. I realized I didn’t want to hurt him! I realized he was not indifferent to me! I realized I also wanted a close physical and psychological contact! Next day, I decided to tell him this. He was confused but I felt he was happy. We were still spending a lot of time – or maybe even more. Last night of the conference we spent the night together. Literally together – sleeping in one bed. Just sleeping! Nothing happened! It was so amazing. As one of my friends told me – it becomes totally different, something completely else when you start a relation from talking and not from having sex! Indeed it was!
And we decided to try to be together. Although, we both live in different countries, although we are both really busy, although there are no perspectives for living in one country in the near future… And this is not an open relationship. No sex with others!
So now, you will not have a chance to read about my sexual stories anymore! There will be no more them! Now, prepare for reading about my happiness when I’m enjoying being in love or my pain when I miss him!
A few months ago I knew that I would go abroad for an international conference for almost two weeks in the second half of August. I was very excited about this opportunity. Not important why. So, when I was having the time of my life during one party at that conference (internal party for conference participants only), I saw a guy staring at me. He was not my type but seemed nice. I'm usually quite brave in such situations so I stood next to him. He was speaking with my friend so I waited a while until they finished. When they did we were both standing in a short distance from each other. But one could feel the tension. Then we started talking (it was so obvious that eventually we’d start doing that). Almost whole night. Then the next day during the breaks, another parties and so on and on… In the meantime we figured out that we were both gays. None of us was surprised admitting that. We felt it before. It was really nice.
Then I realized he wanted more. As he said he wanted closer physical and psychological contact. It was too much for me. He was so cool but I did not want any relationship. Especially a distance one since he was from Western Europe and I am from Eastern Europe currently living in Northern Africa. With no hesitation I said “NO, but we can be friends!” We were still enjoying time spent together.
A few nights later, I decided to have a sex date with my other friend. We actually had sex before at the very beginning of the conference however it was so bad! It is always like this when people in bed have different expectations what to do. It was really bad but I decided to give him another chance. And I started to think… “What would my new friend from Western Europe think after I have sex with this another guy. But hold on… I’m single! I don’t need to care about what others think since I don’t have a boyfriend!” I went for the sex date with a lot of doubts though. Eventually nothing happened. I realized I didn’t want to hurt him! I realized he was not indifferent to me! I realized I also wanted a close physical and psychological contact! Next day, I decided to tell him this. He was confused but I felt he was happy. We were still spending a lot of time – or maybe even more. Last night of the conference we spent the night together. Literally together – sleeping in one bed. Just sleeping! Nothing happened! It was so amazing. As one of my friends told me – it becomes totally different, something completely else when you start a relation from talking and not from having sex! Indeed it was!
And we decided to try to be together. Although, we both live in different countries, although we are both really busy, although there are no perspectives for living in one country in the near future… And this is not an open relationship. No sex with others!
So now, you will not have a chance to read about my sexual stories anymore! There will be no more them! Now, prepare for reading about my happiness when I’m enjoying being in love or my pain when I miss him!
Monday, September 10, 2007
enjoying being single
So, as you know about 2 months ago I finished my relationship. In the beginnig it wasn't easy to adjust to new life but it later it was ok.
Then, what does it mean to enjoy being single after relationship when you were faithful for more than 4 years? It's simple and obvious - having [safe!] sex with a lot of new people. The easiest way is of course to meet them on line. That's what I started doing. Let me tell you some stories.
I opened a profile on a gay portal and started chatting with guys. Then I started meeting them and having sex from time to time. When I was in a relationship I must admit that one of the thing that I was missing was sexual diversity which is having sex with other people. So after breaking up my dreams seemed to come true. But was it really that great experience? Was it really something that I needed? Hmmm... I don't think so. Moreover, most of the time sex was really bad! I didn't enjoy it at all! And I have to admit that my ex was really good in bed!
Well, to be honest, I'll tell you that I met one guy who was just awesome! His name was B. He was 1 year younger, had lovely dark skin, beatiful smile and one thing that I always wanted - he was muscle, not very much but just perfect. The day we met on line we figured out that we would spend the same evening and night in neighbouring city which is more interesting in terms of entertainment. We even took the same train. He looked much better than through web cam. He was so cute. We took a room in a cheap hotel. We only had less then one hour because I was invited by my friends but we did it twice and it was fabulous. His tongue was doing miracles! Besides, I got to like him a lot since he was so sweet. His tricks were making me fly away. But what happened between us was more than sex... I started to feel that he was so nice and cool and that I wanted to spend a lot of time with him. Some people call it love at the first sight but since I don't believe in such crap I tend to name it "fascination". At that time he didn't seem to care about me and what made him be so inaccessible for me. That even makes you think and want such person more! But later within next couple of days I realized that he also felt something to me. "What a luck!!! - two way arrows!!!" you would think. Well, not exactly... I realized that I got him. I finally had him and he was not interesting for me anymore. Maybe just for sex... Does it mean that if we finally manage to get people, to posses them, later we're not interested in them because they are not attractive for us? Because we got what we wanted and there is nothing to fight for? If it's not the case for you, my dear reader, is it a case for me? Am I so fucked up and I will always be like this in terms of relations with people??
Moreover the experience with all these guys was not something that I was expecting to have. It was kind of weird. Chatting with guys, then meeting them, talking about the same things, saying what you do in this country, why you're here and bla bla bla. Then usually going to bed... And again with another person... I think I wanted to meet someone who was really interesting. And maybe it's better to start a relation from talking and talking and talking, but not from having sex!
Then, what does it mean to enjoy being single after relationship when you were faithful for more than 4 years? It's simple and obvious - having [safe!] sex with a lot of new people. The easiest way is of course to meet them on line. That's what I started doing. Let me tell you some stories.
I opened a profile on a gay portal and started chatting with guys. Then I started meeting them and having sex from time to time. When I was in a relationship I must admit that one of the thing that I was missing was sexual diversity which is having sex with other people. So after breaking up my dreams seemed to come true. But was it really that great experience? Was it really something that I needed? Hmmm... I don't think so. Moreover, most of the time sex was really bad! I didn't enjoy it at all! And I have to admit that my ex was really good in bed!
Well, to be honest, I'll tell you that I met one guy who was just awesome! His name was B. He was 1 year younger, had lovely dark skin, beatiful smile and one thing that I always wanted - he was muscle, not very much but just perfect. The day we met on line we figured out that we would spend the same evening and night in neighbouring city which is more interesting in terms of entertainment. We even took the same train. He looked much better than through web cam. He was so cute. We took a room in a cheap hotel. We only had less then one hour because I was invited by my friends but we did it twice and it was fabulous. His tongue was doing miracles! Besides, I got to like him a lot since he was so sweet. His tricks were making me fly away. But what happened between us was more than sex... I started to feel that he was so nice and cool and that I wanted to spend a lot of time with him. Some people call it love at the first sight but since I don't believe in such crap I tend to name it "fascination". At that time he didn't seem to care about me and what made him be so inaccessible for me. That even makes you think and want such person more! But later within next couple of days I realized that he also felt something to me. "What a luck!!! - two way arrows!!!" you would think. Well, not exactly... I realized that I got him. I finally had him and he was not interesting for me anymore. Maybe just for sex... Does it mean that if we finally manage to get people, to posses them, later we're not interested in them because they are not attractive for us? Because we got what we wanted and there is nothing to fight for? If it's not the case for you, my dear reader, is it a case for me? Am I so fucked up and I will always be like this in terms of relations with people??
Moreover the experience with all these guys was not something that I was expecting to have. It was kind of weird. Chatting with guys, then meeting them, talking about the same things, saying what you do in this country, why you're here and bla bla bla. Then usually going to bed... And again with another person... I think I wanted to meet someone who was really interesting. And maybe it's better to start a relation from talking and talking and talking, but not from having sex!
Monday, September 3, 2007
trapped in a triangle
I seriously must write all stories faster so that I will be able to catch up with all that has so far happened and then I can start writing about presence not past (and believe a lot of things is happening now!)
So triangle - the most intensive, unexpected story! When I moved to my flat it turned out that I live with one gay who had a lot of friends who were almost every day here. That was actually the biggest cultural shock for me at that time. Learning that there is a lot of gays in this country. Before coming here I had assumed that I would not have gay life at all. And? Surprise! I had never met that many gays at one day before! Two weeks later I became his room mate. His name is N. We liked each other (as friends). We talked a lot and spent quite a lot of time together. It was great to have such person there. There was potential for real friendship.
But then... Me and our friends went for a trip to a small and charming city by car. And something happened in the car... And then I realized I felt more than just a friendship. But he didn't... If there were only three of us... There was also M - another guy. And the most fun and weird part of the story. I started to feel sth to N. N felt something to M and M something to me. A triangle with one way arrows! A vicious circle. Later, one more person joined the triangle - D! And... she was girl. Yes, M was bi so he had both arrows for me and for her. And she (a very good friend of who is my faithful reader - kisses for you!) had some arrows for him. I will just tell you that next weeks were sources of confusions for everyone. There was too many arrows , too much pressure - just too much drama! The most weird situation was when we almost had threesome in the bed!! Almost. Nothing happened eventually. M couldn't do it. Probably because too much feelings were involved. Everyone in that triangle wanted to have sex with someone else and arrows were only one way. "I love you but you don't love me." Just imagine how weird and confusing it was to stop sex at some point before things actually started. How embarrasing!
Then D left. Each of us gradually was realizing that no arrows had future and that no relations would be developed. They started to weaken and suddenly they were gone! A miracle - a Great Dissolution of the Triangle! It definetely happened and although I still have the same room mate (N) there are no more arrows. However, our relation is not like it was before arrows. Something is different. Something has irreversably changed.
But the experience was exceptional. Although it wasn't easy it was interesting. One very important learning point - Never have sex with your friends unless they are only sex-friends and you don't care whether they are your true friends or not!
This a very short version of the story. As soon as I reach present time I will give you more details about facts and my thoughts in terms of current stories! For questions use comments to ask me.
So triangle - the most intensive, unexpected story! When I moved to my flat it turned out that I live with one gay who had a lot of friends who were almost every day here. That was actually the biggest cultural shock for me at that time. Learning that there is a lot of gays in this country. Before coming here I had assumed that I would not have gay life at all. And? Surprise! I had never met that many gays at one day before! Two weeks later I became his room mate. His name is N. We liked each other (as friends). We talked a lot and spent quite a lot of time together. It was great to have such person there. There was potential for real friendship.
But then... Me and our friends went for a trip to a small and charming city by car. And something happened in the car... And then I realized I felt more than just a friendship. But he didn't... If there were only three of us... There was also M - another guy. And the most fun and weird part of the story. I started to feel sth to N. N felt something to M and M something to me. A triangle with one way arrows! A vicious circle. Later, one more person joined the triangle - D! And... she was girl. Yes, M was bi so he had both arrows for me and for her. And she (a very good friend of who is my faithful reader - kisses for you!) had some arrows for him. I will just tell you that next weeks were sources of confusions for everyone. There was too many arrows , too much pressure - just too much drama! The most weird situation was when we almost had threesome in the bed!! Almost. Nothing happened eventually. M couldn't do it. Probably because too much feelings were involved. Everyone in that triangle wanted to have sex with someone else and arrows were only one way. "I love you but you don't love me." Just imagine how weird and confusing it was to stop sex at some point before things actually started. How embarrasing!
Then D left. Each of us gradually was realizing that no arrows had future and that no relations would be developed. They started to weaken and suddenly they were gone! A miracle - a Great Dissolution of the Triangle! It definetely happened and although I still have the same room mate (N) there are no more arrows. However, our relation is not like it was before arrows. Something is different. Something has irreversably changed.
But the experience was exceptional. Although it wasn't easy it was interesting. One very important learning point - Never have sex with your friends unless they are only sex-friends and you don't care whether they are your true friends or not!
This a very short version of the story. As soon as I reach present time I will give you more details about facts and my thoughts in terms of current stories! For questions use comments to ask me.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
my ex
but let’s start from the beginning…
when i left my home country and went to north africa i didn’t expect these things at all! at that time i had been involved in a relationship that started in 2003. it was almost 4 years. it seems quite a lot and indeed it was. but the last year was quite weird. endless arguments, being tired of each other and even fights! however, when i left my country and went to north africa we promised each other that we would go through it and the distance would not affect our relationship. it wasn’t that easy. on-line discussions and arguments started. i was sick of this and i didn’t feel like talking, chatting and being in touch at all – it was too tiring for me. then i decided to break up. actually, it wasn’t the first time. i had been trying to do it at least 10 times for the several past years. without result. the last time was successful. i achieved my result. it was hard. you’re very used to a person after such a long time even if your feelings are not the same anymore. this makes breaking up really hard. for him it was disaster. he was too attached too me and i didn’t feel with this comfortable either. i’m not the person who enjoys hurting others. but i had a choice. either i would stay in this relationship (without true feelings which for me is not honest for the second person) or i would break up and make both sides suffer very much but for limited time. i chose the long term solution – breaking up. and indeed for me it was hard at the beginning but later it was ok – i realized that the love was gone. for him it was not that easy. he still didn’t want to understand that things were over. i became subject of his hate – including swearing and wishing my death. this kind of end only assured me that it was a good decision.
when it comes to person to be blamed for breaking up i hope you guessed that it was mostly my fault. i didn’t make to many efforts to make it going on and i guess i stopped loving him. throughout the last months i wasn’t willing to be involved in relationship and i didn’t spend too much time with him. the conclusion is simple. i’m not a good person for a relationship. it’s better for me to be alone. people usually say that “no! you will find your second half” but to be honest i think i don’t care. being alone is not something that makes me feel bad. i like it. and i think i value friendship more than relationship. that’s why for now i think it’s better for me to stay alone. we’ll see what future will bring.
when i left my home country and went to north africa i didn’t expect these things at all! at that time i had been involved in a relationship that started in 2003. it was almost 4 years. it seems quite a lot and indeed it was. but the last year was quite weird. endless arguments, being tired of each other and even fights! however, when i left my country and went to north africa we promised each other that we would go through it and the distance would not affect our relationship. it wasn’t that easy. on-line discussions and arguments started. i was sick of this and i didn’t feel like talking, chatting and being in touch at all – it was too tiring for me. then i decided to break up. actually, it wasn’t the first time. i had been trying to do it at least 10 times for the several past years. without result. the last time was successful. i achieved my result. it was hard. you’re very used to a person after such a long time even if your feelings are not the same anymore. this makes breaking up really hard. for him it was disaster. he was too attached too me and i didn’t feel with this comfortable either. i’m not the person who enjoys hurting others. but i had a choice. either i would stay in this relationship (without true feelings which for me is not honest for the second person) or i would break up and make both sides suffer very much but for limited time. i chose the long term solution – breaking up. and indeed for me it was hard at the beginning but later it was ok – i realized that the love was gone. for him it was not that easy. he still didn’t want to understand that things were over. i became subject of his hate – including swearing and wishing my death. this kind of end only assured me that it was a good decision.
when it comes to person to be blamed for breaking up i hope you guessed that it was mostly my fault. i didn’t make to many efforts to make it going on and i guess i stopped loving him. throughout the last months i wasn’t willing to be involved in relationship and i didn’t spend too much time with him. the conclusion is simple. i’m not a good person for a relationship. it’s better for me to be alone. people usually say that “no! you will find your second half” but to be honest i think i don’t care. being alone is not something that makes me feel bad. i like it. and i think i value friendship more than relationship. that’s why for now i think it’s better for me to stay alone. we’ll see what future will bring.
intro
so, i’ve finally decided to start blogging about my experience in the country where i currently live. it’s a real pity that i wasn’t doing it earlier when these things started. well… these things are not my only activity here and basically i have a lot of other stuff to do (including my job, friends, family and another official blog of which address you will not receive of course) and this means i don’t have much time. so, why am i opening the blog eventually? mainly since all the stories that happened to me gave me a lot of thoughts about people’s relations (including sex that is a very rich source in terms of providing me with various thoughts and inspirations). although i’m gay i have the feeling that a huge part of my thoughts and experience is very universal and can be applicable to any sort of relations between two (or more?) people, no matter if they are straight or gay. feel free to share your experiences with me by posting comments.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
rules
first of all, there will be no names here - of people or places or anything else. they are not relevant.
the aim of this blog is actually not only to share my sexual experience (in a country that most of you would never expect it) but also my thoughts that are results of this experience.
let's treat it as a column in a newspaper - same as "sex and the city" by carrie bradshaw. eventually, medina means city ;)
the aim of this blog is actually not only to share my sexual experience (in a country that most of you would never expect it) but also my thoughts that are results of this experience.
let's treat it as a column in a newspaper - same as "sex and the city" by carrie bradshaw. eventually, medina means city ;)
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