'you only live twice'

I do kind of live twice. 'Cause I am doubled. There are two me. One of me is rational, the other of me is very emotional. They both know about their existence but don't really listen to each other. What are the symptoms? Listen to the story.

James Bond went for a trip to Western Africa. I went to see my grandma before leaving for the capital of the Kingdom I will leave as of September. I didn't have Internet access for 4 days. I also (don't know why) can't send him text messages from my mobile. Our trip meant we couldn't stay in touch because he had limited access to Internet too. It was only possible thru emails - actually only for him because I was cut from all the civilized stuff such as Internet. I was ok with us being split for a few days with no possibility of any communication. But when I came back home I tried on calling him. His mobile was switched off. I had no emails from him. I only saw some activities on Facebook meaning he was alive. Rational me wasn't worried. I knew his feelings for me and didn't have any things to worry about. I thought he might have troubles with getting connected. But the emotional me was concerned. Why no emails? Why the phone is not working? Why? Why? Why? Maybe, he doesn't want me anymore. Maybe, it's over. Thousands of thoughts. And then last night - an awful dream of us breaking up. I woke sort of relieved that it was just a dream but on the other hand pissed off that I had head full of stupid thoughts. There was no communication between rational me and emotional me. The latter one didn't want to listen to the former. It just cumulated all the confusions and negative theories in my head. Later, I got an email from him and chatted a bit on line. Of course, everything was totally fine. No need for worries as rational me was saying. Emotional me was a drama queen again.

Why is it happening? Why can't I "switch off" stupid emotions? Why can't I think and act reasonably? Maybe, it's the matter of practice? Do we have to insist on finding problems when so many things say we will not find them? Why do we attribute things like lack of emails for a few days to lack of love? It's all fucked up. I'm fucked up again. C'est le fuckin' moi!

Luckily, I won't be complaining too much. It's not happening so often. The miscommunication between rational me and emotional me is not the case every single day.

I will survive.

'and I am telling you I am going'

It was inevitable. After coming back I had to do it. I didn't want to but it was like a must. I don't want to tell you why I had to. Just believe me that I did have to do it. I was postponing the moment of finally doing the thing. Before, I came back to the country I was afraid of waking up some warm feelings. Luckily, my reversed-cultural shock was so huge and the way I hated my home country was so strong that I didn't feel like coming back to the past. But still... You can't imagine how difficult it was. I was waiting 1 month to do it. When I finally decided to do so I couldn't stop thinking of that. When the moment came, my legs became soft and I could barely walk. I was in a shopping mall trying to find a bench to sit on in order to do it. My heart was beating like crazy and my hands were shaking. And then finally, I did that. I dialed the number and... suddenly I hung up. I redialed it. That time he answered. He was so cold. I told him briefly that I just came back and then the main purpose of the call. Then he said:
-Is it the only reason that you're calling me?
-No, I would like to see you and talk to you after more than a year, but I'm just afraid you won't accept that.
Silence. I was waiting a while for the answer when I realized that he had hung up on me. I was trying to call him again but no answer. The same with texting him – no answer. So I deleted his number. I am over him and I am happy to cut off this 4,5 years of my life. No, not the whole period. Just him. I met too many wonderful people and I achieved so much within those years. I only cut off him.

At the point of breaking up, I was ready to believe that I can't be in any relationship anymore. Because I am too complicated and too fucked up. And it was him who made me believe that. And I am not. Luckily, I didn't have to wait too long to learn that about myself. The stupid belief that he started in me finished quickly. And I was also afraid that I would always make the same mistake, follow the same pattern and chose the same type of a guy (an asshole, saying simply). And this is bullshit too. Although I broke up twice last year after my first break up (summing the number of break-ups in 2007 to three... sad statistics) my two other boyfriends were not the same types of guys. They were different. And I'm still in touch with them. Our relations are healthy. And my relation with the 4,5 years boyfriend is not healthy. It doesn't exist but when it did hardly ever was it healthy.

I'm so over you. And even the song that we were listening to while making love is not bringing any memories of you. Before, it would remind me only of you. No, it's just a song that I really like because it's nice. Oh no sorry. It reminds me that I can be over my own past. The past that I want to erase. The past that I actually erased. Even if I remember things I will have no bad feeling in my stomach. It's like erased, isn't it?

is there a pink elephant in the room?

A few days ago I logged into Facebook and I saw some new photos uploaded by one of my friends from Morocco. She was quite open and used to describe herself with the word scandalous. She was a party animal. Intelligent, beautiful, open-minded. We have a common gay friend.

So the pics - the wedding, my friends, a traditional clothes and a traditional party... and the groom... who is gay... and just got married with a woman...

I was speechless. I saw the wedding of my gay friend. I still remember that during a swimming pool party that he threw for our friends he told me how one guy (that I know) had fucked him near that pool when his parents had been gone. And I saw a pic of another gay guy with whom I slept too. He was a wedding guest.

All of that was so disgusting to me.

Even when I found out that the girl is lesbian or bi, that they know about each other and that they agreed for that wedding to arrange everything so that they can do their stuff freely and have their separate lives whereas the marriage is just the cover - it's for the society. I understand why they did that (I lived there and I know the attitude towards gayness) but still I can't just accept that.

It's not the first time that I hear such a story but it was so shocking to see a friend taking part in that. I just didn't expect that.

There is so much hypocrisy in this country. The last weeks after I left it, I was only missing it. I didn't forget what I didn't like there but I just didn't have these bad thoughts anymore.

It's still very fucked up in many cases. I hope it will change gradually and soon...

'the spy who loves me'

Long time no hear! Sorry for not updating you for almost a month! In this case, "no news is good news" is totally applicable!

It's been more than a month that I'm with James Bond. I think I can objectively say that the relationship is going very well. Although, we haven't seen each other since the first days when we started dating, we've been constantly in touch (texting each other everyday and skyping a few times per week). We have the similar vision of the relationship and of our lives as well. I'm happy when he is happy and vice versa. There are no negative feelings (not to mention total lack of any toxic aspects that I had experienced with the others). E.g. he is happy when I'm having fun at any party and I like when he goes out. It wasn't not the case with the guy with whom I was for almost 5 years. What I really value in the relationship is the amount of commitment - I love when I can feel that both parties are involved in the same way or with the same attitudes. "We love each other the same way" putting it in the simpliest words. There are good perspectives for post-long-distance phase as well. The list of the good things is longer.

I can't wait to see him in Brussels on 7 September.

The relationship (mainly the break-up) with the English guy gave me one fear. No matter where and in how romantic surronding you start, the next time that you meet this magical atmosphere might be totally gone or faded. It was the case when I met him for the first time last August in magical Istanbul and then saw him 1,5 month later in gray (then) Rabat. That was the end of this short relationship. I met James Bond in magical Rabat and I am sure I will have a fabulous time with him in magical Brussels! The history won't be repeated. 'Cause there have been some changes...