Saturday, October 27, 2007

back in the game

Today, I renewed one old relation. The one with a guy whom I randomly met on line before I met my English guy. He is really cute and what he can do in bed is just amazing. His tongue can do miracles! Probably, we’ll meet soon for a small rendez-vous ;)

By the way, I feel again that I don’t need anyone in my life for now. This means that I’ve finally recovered…

Thursday, October 25, 2007

new "players" in the game

So, there are new players in the game called "my life". Were you surprised/shocked/astonished when you read about my virtual sex? Some of you might have been. But those who know me weren’t I suppose.

I'm gonna give you some updates. A few days ago I refreshed my gay profile on one of the website and decided to… yes, why did I do it? I don’t know… To meet new friends? To have random sex? To meet the one? Maybe everything a bit! I just have the feeling if I don’t do anything in terms of meeting people, going out etc I will never change anything in my personal life. I don’t mean that I’m desperately looking for someone. I’m just trying to do something instead of doing anything (if you know what I mean).

So, yesterday, I had one meeting in a café. The guy was totally cool. Smart, intelligent, handsome (not my type though) and we had a nice conversation. He lives in neighboring city with a nice beach and he invited me to go there. He has a boyfriend whom he really loves and he’s just looking for friends (he was out of the country for 3 years and now he’s back). I’m totally fine with the fact he has a boyfriend! He’s really nice but I don’t feel THAT kind of connection. We’ll see if there is going to be anything out of this thing.

Another thing – I had a really cool and extremely long skype chat with my “virtual sex friend”. He’s so fucking cool person!! Incredible!! How could I ever expect that I would have such nice conversation with person with whom my relation started from saying some nasty and filthy words :) When I met him last weekend I thought he was my nationality! Then it turned out that he is Hungarian but just studies my language in Hungary (why? – because he’s passionate about it – believe me, my native language is not very popular). It is so weird when person with whom you are chatting in your own language is suddenly telling you that he’s foreigner who loves your language and your country. Such person must be interesting and I’m going to continue and develop this relation.

And as a desert – my ex and me. He replied for my email proposing friendship (this was my second email – in the first one I wrote him that I still love him and I want to be with him – I know that that was completely stupid). He’s totally for doing that! I guess I’m happy about that as well. My feelings for him are gradually disappearing and I’m starting to have more healthy approach to everything related to it. It’s past so let’s think about the future.

Await more updates!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

virtual sex

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. It had not been something new recently. I’ve had a really awful toothache for a few days. I won’t mention the other kind of pain I have to suffer from. So, it was another sleepless night and I decided to have some random chats with so random gay guys. But quickly, I realized that chat wasn’t something that I really needed. I wanted to have virtual sex. It was not easy to find a good candidate. They were either busy or were not replying. But eventually, I found a cool person. He had skype with cam. So I called him, we turned on our cams and … it happened :) After that, to my great surprise, he wanted to have a chat about normal stuff. It turned out that he studies at my university. Moreover, he is single and he feels bad about it – he would like to have someone by his side. Probably, I will be such person now. Of course, to have virtual sex from time to time only.

So, are you thinking right now why I did it? To forget about my English ex? Probably, that’s the reason. However, I don’t think if it helps in that at all. Furthermore, first time I was not excited about the fact that I’m free and I can do such things. Will one virtual one night stand help me in forgetting person I love? I’m not so sure. I don’t think so. Haha but why not keep on doing it more often? Just for the pleasure and for the sake of not thinking about problems during this short moment.

Exactly one week ago, I was dying of excitement because of his visit. I was so fucking happy. And last night? Some animal, mechanical, virtual sex – that’s all he left me with…

Friday, October 19, 2007

recovery process

written less than 2 weeks ago:

‘ I'm still very positive about how it all can go in the future. For now, nothing seems to be clear but I feel it will be ok.
And definetely, it's gonna be great in the very near future since he's coming here next weekend! We're gonna have a wonderful time ‘

Haha. How stupid I was! ' I feel it will be ok '
I guess I should stop feeling because it's definetely not something that I'm good at. I should focus on other things but not feeling anything because it's not my strong side.

Ok, stop being sarcastic about yourself!
How is the recovery process going.

I think some people are extremely depressed when they break down. They cannot see their lives going on. They want to die. They are irreversibly changed. I'm not this kind of person. I do believe that my life can go on without him. I have a lot of other things to accomplish. I'm not dying of depression. That's quite good of course.
But it's not easy either. I live my life because I want to have good job, help others, have my friends, family and of course HIM - the one person. Now, that he broke up with me, my life was deprived of one reason. I have less reasons to live (enough to stay - don't worry).

During last 3 days, I've almost done no work at all. I've spent it talking to people, chatting, confessing and trying to get rid of my frustrations. It was helping for a while but moments of sadness come back quickly. Then they disappear and are back again. How long will it be? However, I'm extremely grateful to a lot of people around me who support me in this fucking drama of mine. At least, I know I have friends! Thank you guys!

Recently, I've started wondering why during my previous relationship it was easier to recover. Certainly, it was me who broke up so it was my decision and I had some sense of control over this. A few days ago I was just forced to face the situation of him leaving me. That's one difference.
But not only is this the thing that makes it something else now. My two previous relationships finished in a very nasty way. Accusations, trying to make each other guilty, threatening, wishing death and all that crap. After hearing such things you start wondering: 'Why the hell I was with him? What did I see in him?' Such drama break up actually helps a lot to heal the wounds. Last Monday, he did everything (besides the fact the he broke up) not to make me feel bad. Trying to avoid hurting me. Offering friendship. How in such situation can I hate him? It's not easy to hate him and thus stop loving him.
Should I then call him or write a nasty email saying how much I hate him? Writing him how he has destroyed my life, wishing him death? Threatening?
That would be quite convenient way of dealing with stuff. He would probably react in the same way which would show his dark side and thus I would realize that it's good that we broke up. I would probably say 'oh my God! Why did I waste 1,5 months with such a shallow person?'
Well, I probably won't do it. It's not my way of finishing things. I just cannot be that bad (unless someone attacks me first). As I said I took him to the most beautiful place after he broke up. So I possibly will not release all the toxic feelings burning me from inside. That's surely not going to support recovery process. Actually, I don't know why I'm not going to do that. But I'm not!

Today during my language course, at my presentation concerning work I do in this country at my NGO, my teacher said that the stuff I do is very noble and she admires me. Moreover, as I said I'm not going to finish my relation with him in a toxic way.
That makes me think - if I'm such a good [and stupid] boy (why does being good and stupid so often goes together????) why does the faith punish me like this? What have I done wrong? Maybe, I'm not a good boy as I think? Maybe, I deserved that?

It would be nice to write something nice at the end, something that conveys ray of light for the future. I won't do it - it's not time for this.

Here you have one of my favourite songs. One that I always listen to when I'm in bad mood. Or let's call things as they really are - when I'm depressed.
'Désenchantée' by Mylene Farmer (fr. désenchantée=disappointed)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

...and they [were supposed to] live happily ever after

He came here on Saturday! My heart was beating like crazy when I was about to see him getting off the train. And then I saw him... I was so happy to have him in Morocco. We hugged on the platform, went outside, caught a cab and when at my place. At the beginning we didn't kiss for hello though :( It was so weird and when we finally did it we both noticed how weird it was. Then it was nicer. We did some sightseeing. However, he was not willing to speak about our future. I guess it’s not that he didn’t want – he just wasn't considering this at all. It was out of scope for his thoughts. When I asked him when we could see next time he said he didn't know. A minute later he seemed he even didn't hear this question. First night, we were trying to have sex. It somehow didn't work. It was weird and he seemed embarrassed or something. I was not that worried because sometimes in my opinion it takes time to "adjust" to another person - and the sex can be wonderful then. It took us a few hours to make a considerable step to this "adjustment" as sex the next morning was much better. I seemed glowing and shining after this morning (that's what my flat mates told me). I was so happy. During the day it was not that good. I felt some barriers between us... I felt he didn't want to (or he rather didn't realize) speak about us. I felt like his friend not boyfriend. He didn't show positive or negative emotion. Practically, there were no emotions at all. The second night was really bad. He slept next to me but I felt he didn't see me or he didn’t realize I was so close to him (and in fact so far). As if I were a ghost. For the whole day today I just didn't know what to speak with him about... I am usually very honest in terms of my feelings but I had no clue how to tell him what I feel and what I don't like. He just seemed not to realize it, understand it - whatever! But yesterday in the train, it was him who started to talk. He said "I've been thinking about us and..." I was so happy to hear that. I suddenly became so open to talk about everything that was stuck in me. Words and thoughts started coming out of me and we had a serious discussion during which I realized... He was so open because he wanted to tell me that he didn't see future of this relationship. Distance was too big problem. He would like to have someone in London next to him. I just understood everything and when we officially broke up (he actually did it) we decided to be friends. I wouldn't mind doing that although that may not seem reasonable at all. My two previous relationships (when it was me who broke up) ended in a really bad way without good memories. That's why I decided that this time it would be different. I won't be this kind of a toxic guy who cannot understand that someone breaks up with him and does everything to spoil his ex’s life. After official break up I took him to the most beautiful and romantic place in the city. A place from which you can see gorgeous panoramas of the centre. A place where lovers come to admire views or look at each other's eyes. Or to confess love... And I went there with my ex – minutes after breaking up. How ironic! How awkward! How sick! Did I do it to torture myself? I believe so! Afterwards we ended up in his hotel having goodbye sex. Yes, one shouldn't have sex with his ex. But I wanted to have at least one good memory from this trip. And we just said goodbye....... And today I'll probably receive any email from him as he asked me if I would be still sending him email everyday. He said he liked it and he would like to keep continuing it.
After this breaking up I feel really bad :( I feel defeated by life. It's like one part of your life is a total disaster. You may have nice job, friends, money and all the stuff. But you don't have someone by your side anymore :( One aspect of my life failed really badly.... I don't know why I was so positive about this relationship. Why I believed that it's going to work out. Now, it's all over. And my hope for being in any new relationship in the future is ZERO.

I feel so stupid, cheated on. I remember saying how even contribution we both have into this relationship. And it ended up with my contribution so huge and no contribution of his.

The first time in my life I feel I want to be with someone... The first time, I feel bad because of being single. The first time someone broke up with me. What’s going to happen next? Will I forget quickly as it was when it was me to break up with my exes? Will I recover in a few days and be really sarcastic about this relationship? Will I find someone new? What the recovery process will look like? Tough and hard? Is it a matter of days, weeks or months? Will I ever stop feeling love for him? Will I not care as I don’t care about my two previous relationships?

Time will show…
Nothing can help me right now. I just have to wait…

Saturday, October 6, 2007

sources of inspiration

I just want to share that yesterday I saw the last episode of Sex and the City. OMG, it was so fabulous. I won't be telling you details now - just see it! Of course, I was crying!

I love this TV show! And I'm a bit sad that I finished watching it (unless I start from the beginning!)

Now, the time for my another favourite TV show - Desperate Housewives. They aired fourth season last Sunday - usually it's on the web next day :)

I love both of them. They seem stupid if you don't watch them carefully and don't try to figure out what each episode tries to convey!

Simple truths about our lives, friendships, relationships...

my love recently

It's been much better with me lately. We're not in touch that much (he's all the time busy :( ) but at least I am not pissed off, worried, depressed or sth. I guess I have to accept things as they are. And I don't know why I'm still very positive about how it all can go in the future. For now , nothing seems to be clear but I feel it will be ok.

And definetely, it's gonna be great in the very near future since he's coming here next weekend! We're gonna have a wonderful time and for sure sex for the first time! I will keep you updated!

Bisous mes cheries!