sincere stupidity

The previous week was full of experiences. And as it’s commonly known, the more of them you have the wiser you are. Or rather - you are supposed to be. These experiences have also shown me the dilemma of planning the future versus going with the flow. Thanks to that new solutions can be developed and applied.

Of course, there were so damages and victims as well. I was the victim of my stupidity. Now, I am aware of that and hopefully I will act more wisely.

But from the beginning...

Last Sunday, I got a nice message from an even nicer boy. He was cute, sweet, adorable, smart, funny etc. I met him the next day where I only confirmed first on line impressions. The next day, I met him again. We saw each other in my apartment. Of course we ended up in bed but doing not more than kissing and cuddling which was AMAZING. Stopping oneself from having sex is sometimes even more exciting than having sex! Then the next day, we met over a cup of coffee and tea. The fourth day, we had sex. And it was when the confusions started. I actually don’t know if they were connected with sex or maybe they just both appeared separately. The process called falling in love slowly kicked off. Way too early!! Just after a few days of knowing each other. I started being anxious. Although, I saw him that day and had sex I didn’t feel happy when being with him. Not only the process of falling in love started – also the process of thinking of the future. Of planning, analyzing, reflecting, projecting. Questions in my head kept popping up. Why didn’t he send a message saying “it was fabulous! You are wonderful! I miss you!”. He didn’t show up on MSN. He didn’t suggest meeting the next day. All these ridiculous ideas filled my head. I left home and went out. I couldn’t stop thinking. Then I came back and read the message from him “it was so nice today! I really enjoyed that. I waited for you a while but you didn’t show up on line”. Why wasn’t I happy to hear that? It wasn’t enough?? I’ve got damn too high expectations. Or I’m simply fucked up... Well, then I decided to apply one rule that everyone says is always right – being honest and telling the truth. Maybe it’s right to be honest, but maybe right things are not always good things. They’re not the best solutions... That time I should have kept some of my thoughts for myself. I didn’t. And I fucked up the relation. I told him about my feelings. I mentioned the relationship issue. I only heard back that he was not a long distance relationship person. That hurt me. Although it shouldn’t because it was too early for even thinking of that. But he still maintained he would like to see me. He promised to do it the next day.

To distract myself, I decided to have a one night stand that night. I found a sweet and cute guy. He was so charmed by me that he asked for being in a relationship in the middle of having sex... I guess some people can think about it way earlier than even me. There are people more fucked up than me...

I didn’t see my sweetie the next day. He didn’t call. Fortunately, I saw my friends, I went out where I met a nice European guy. Some drinks, a chat, some fun, some jokes, a cab ride to his place and hot sex. Again – distracting myself.

I must admit that distracting myself using sex only is not a long term solution. To distract myself more efficiently there would have to be more connection. I noticed that in most cases if the first date ends up in bed, the chances for something deeper are very low. Then I simply don’t have respect for the person. Or rather I don’t find the person interesting anymore.
I guess my sweetie didn’t find me interesting anymore either. It’s not about sex but about my sincere confession – the fact that I started having some feelings for him. His interest dropped significantly. No more nice text messages, no more talking on MSN (unless I start it). Today I told him that (again sincerity). He said he hadn’t been scared but rather annoyed. He also tried to justify me and put blame on himself (on letting it go too far etc). He was diplomatic but you could feel the coldness. As my friend told me – I looked too needy and desperate. And it’s definitely not a thing that attracts you in others. So I lost my attractiveness. And probably it’s impossible to restore it. Tonight I saw him on MSN and apparently when he saw me he changed his status to busy. Then I appeared off line (he must have thought I logged off) and he went back to available!!! I got pissed off. But at least this behavior left no hopes for me. At least now I know that it’s over. The chapter is closed.
Today I also met the guy from the party. He’s so into me. He looks very interested in me. Well, now the roles are totally opposite. I understand now what sweetie had to feel when I was showing too much interest.

I had my lesson. Don’t go too far, don’t go too fast. Take it easy. Don’t show too much interest. And if you want some questions to be answered ask them. But not directly. Cover them with some bla bla bla so that the person will not figure out that you are actually investigating him.

Next time I will implement that.