...and they [were supposed to] live happily ever after

He came here on Saturday! My heart was beating like crazy when I was about to see him getting off the train. And then I saw him... I was so happy to have him in Morocco. We hugged on the platform, went outside, caught a cab and when at my place. At the beginning we didn't kiss for hello though :( It was so weird and when we finally did it we both noticed how weird it was. Then it was nicer. We did some sightseeing. However, he was not willing to speak about our future. I guess it’s not that he didn’t want – he just wasn't considering this at all. It was out of scope for his thoughts. When I asked him when we could see next time he said he didn't know. A minute later he seemed he even didn't hear this question. First night, we were trying to have sex. It somehow didn't work. It was weird and he seemed embarrassed or something. I was not that worried because sometimes in my opinion it takes time to "adjust" to another person - and the sex can be wonderful then. It took us a few hours to make a considerable step to this "adjustment" as sex the next morning was much better. I seemed glowing and shining after this morning (that's what my flat mates told me). I was so happy. During the day it was not that good. I felt some barriers between us... I felt he didn't want to (or he rather didn't realize) speak about us. I felt like his friend not boyfriend. He didn't show positive or negative emotion. Practically, there were no emotions at all. The second night was really bad. He slept next to me but I felt he didn't see me or he didn’t realize I was so close to him (and in fact so far). As if I were a ghost. For the whole day today I just didn't know what to speak with him about... I am usually very honest in terms of my feelings but I had no clue how to tell him what I feel and what I don't like. He just seemed not to realize it, understand it - whatever! But yesterday in the train, it was him who started to talk. He said "I've been thinking about us and..." I was so happy to hear that. I suddenly became so open to talk about everything that was stuck in me. Words and thoughts started coming out of me and we had a serious discussion during which I realized... He was so open because he wanted to tell me that he didn't see future of this relationship. Distance was too big problem. He would like to have someone in London next to him. I just understood everything and when we officially broke up (he actually did it) we decided to be friends. I wouldn't mind doing that although that may not seem reasonable at all. My two previous relationships (when it was me who broke up) ended in a really bad way without good memories. That's why I decided that this time it would be different. I won't be this kind of a toxic guy who cannot understand that someone breaks up with him and does everything to spoil his ex’s life. After official break up I took him to the most beautiful and romantic place in the city. A place from which you can see gorgeous panoramas of the centre. A place where lovers come to admire views or look at each other's eyes. Or to confess love... And I went there with my ex – minutes after breaking up. How ironic! How awkward! How sick! Did I do it to torture myself? I believe so! Afterwards we ended up in his hotel having goodbye sex. Yes, one shouldn't have sex with his ex. But I wanted to have at least one good memory from this trip. And we just said goodbye....... And today I'll probably receive any email from him as he asked me if I would be still sending him email everyday. He said he liked it and he would like to keep continuing it.
After this breaking up I feel really bad :( I feel defeated by life. It's like one part of your life is a total disaster. You may have nice job, friends, money and all the stuff. But you don't have someone by your side anymore :( One aspect of my life failed really badly.... I don't know why I was so positive about this relationship. Why I believed that it's going to work out. Now, it's all over. And my hope for being in any new relationship in the future is ZERO.

I feel so stupid, cheated on. I remember saying how even contribution we both have into this relationship. And it ended up with my contribution so huge and no contribution of his.

The first time in my life I feel I want to be with someone... The first time, I feel bad because of being single. The first time someone broke up with me. What’s going to happen next? Will I forget quickly as it was when it was me to break up with my exes? Will I recover in a few days and be really sarcastic about this relationship? Will I find someone new? What the recovery process will look like? Tough and hard? Is it a matter of days, weeks or months? Will I ever stop feeling love for him? Will I not care as I don’t care about my two previous relationships?

Time will show…
Nothing can help me right now. I just have to wait…