Friday, April 25, 2008

what goes around comes around

The worst thing about having one night stands or meeting some random people for sex is when they call later after some days and you don't feel like meeting them anymore. I'm a conquerer so as soon as I get someone for sex I'm no longer interested in this person for sexual reasons later (with some exceptions). And I hate when they call! It's ok for me to call a guy for the second, third,... time because it's my choice etc But why the fuck is he calling me? Did I ever ask for that? It's often so annoying. And I need to work on my assertiveness in order to say that "I'm just not into you anymore, baby"... Or maybe it's better to lie? Any suggestions?

distraction fuck

Distraction fuck is the new term that I've just come up with. It means that you go to bed with someone in order to distract yourself from something, i.e. from a sad break-up. I did it last time in December when I broke up with A. I immediately found a hot date and had sex with him. It was the Indian guy.

Don't write this term down. It doesn't work. The distraction fuck is a short term solution. It only works for a while and then distraction goes away and the problems are back (if someone is successful in usage of DF please, let me know how you do it).

I have just come back from a fuck. It was that Indian. It was not exciting at all. Although sex itself was not bad. There was something in the atmosphere missing. Maybe because it was too obvious and too little spontaneous. We got in touch through skype, set the hour, the place and just went there. A short conversation and afterwards very quickly to bed. Then a fast shower and back home. I guess it was around 1.5h between leaving home and returning. It was simply boring.

I usually like to have everything planned in my life. I have a career that has been carefully planned since I started my studies. I planned going abroad and I am here in North Africa for a one year contract. I even plan relationships when I know the guy for a few days. But planning sex is inappropriate even for me! It has just to be spontaneous (like last Saturday or the one before). In this case, even sex with the taxi driver who was trying to seduce me would be much more exciting.

I think these one night stands don't contribute to my life in any way. I don't feel any happier afterwards. Maybe if sex is spontaneous then it's at least fun. In this case it's not. It's too predictable. He made me actually laugh before I came over to his place. He said:
Indian[9:13:58 PM] says: I hope it's ok if you don't spend the night
Indian[9:14:07 PM] says: tonight as tomorrow I have an inspection
Indian[9:14:26 PM] says: of my apartment and I have technicians coming in the morning
Indian[9:14:41 PM] says: to check the electrical circuits plumbing
Indian[9:14:43 PM] says: etc
Indian[9:15:00 PM] says: please, don't take it personally
Indian[9:15:14 PM] says: I don't mean to be rude or impersonal

Of course, I didn't mind. I even didn't plan to stay there over the night.
Ehh, I think I simply waste my time doing stuff like this. I didn't need to distract myself so I didn't need sex. I ended up confused after sex. Do I paradoxically need new sex to distract myself from current confusion made by sex with the Indian? I don't think so... The amount of sex was too big recently (and ironically, I'm meeting the belly dancer tomorrow - at least with him it's fun so I won't be confused).

Well, another learning for me - I know I'm not a addicted to sex :) And I should have less sex. And it should be more spontaneous when it happens.

I had my lesson. Learnings - to be applied next time. During the next few days I will be on a desert trip so it's highly probable that I won't be able to have sex there. What a relief! Unless I meet some cute and horny nomad. On the other hand it's so dry on the desert... maybe there won't be any rain in my sexual life either...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

life is a [seductive] movie

Sex is not passé anymore! It had just been a few days that I was bored with it. Let me share with you some movie stories from yesterday and last night.

On Saturday, I woke up in the morning after a party. It was way too early to wake up but I had to. I was supposed to go the neighboring city (just one hour by train) for a meeting related to my work. Fortunately, I didn't have to play any significant role so I let myself miss two trains and arrived more than one hour late. No one objected. I felt not well after the party so I just left in the middle of the meeting. At that point I didn't want go to the train station so I just called a guy. A guy that randomly added my on Facebook. It later appeared that we have a common friend on FB - that's how he found me. We met and then decided to go to his apartment. Not because I planned sex but I was just tired and wanted to avoid the noise of the street. I really thought so. He lives alone. I found out that he had a boyfriend. Twice older than me or him and living in Europe. We had some nice conversations too.

Then, weird things started happening. He said he was tired and would like to have a nap. I said I was tired as well. He suggested sleeping in his big bed in the bedroom. I agreed although I could sleep on the couch in the living room. I went to the toilet and when I entered the bedroom he was already in the bed. Only in his underwear. He was gorgeous, beautiful and very masculine. I laid on the other half of the bed - in my clothes. He suggested taking them off to make myself feel more comfortable. I did it. I was really trying to have a nap thinking that nothing would happen. After a while, we cuddled and then we started kissing. He started that. I don't have to say what happened later. It's funny because until the moment before we touched each other I thought we were in the bed for sleeping only. I went to the bedroom really naively, thinking that nothing would happen. But I don't regret. Sex was more fabulous than with any of the guys met recently.

He said it would be cool if I stayed over the night with him. I couldn't because I was already invited for some party in my city. Then, I proposed him to go with me. Maybe I wouldn't have done it if I had known some a bit freaky facts about him. He showed me his mobile phone that he broke a few days before after a really tough conversation with his boyfriend. The other thing was the fact that he was a belly dancer. He also had some clothes for that. They were totally feminine. None of the weird facts was really creepy but they were just awkward. I had invited him before so there was no way back. We went there together. It was actually nice. He was a nice person, met my friends who liked him. When we came back home we slept together and had some sex.

On the way back from party I had one of the most funny and incredible stories ever. The cab driver was clearly hitting on me (he was cute and young). He was so full of sex! The cab stopped so that my friend could get something from the shop. Then I stayed in the cab only with the driver who turned around and gave me that wild look. My friend came back later and me and the driver had eye connection through the mirror. Then when we arrived I paid the guy and he kind of touched my hand when I was handing over the cash. And when I was getting off, he put his hand on my leg and sent me a kiss. That cab was just full of the sexual atmosphere. That was amazing.

My friends keep telling me that I must emit some kind of signals so that I meet all these guys all the time. I've started believing in that...

Life is a seductive movie!

Friday, April 18, 2008

impressions

We often have certain impressions. We express them "I think", "I guess", "In my opinion", "I have the feeling", "I have the impression".

The worst thing about them is that they are very subjective. We never know whether we are right or not. That's why the very good thing is when we receive an objective piece of information and we can verify our impressions...

Since last night, I've been officially single. I went out yesterday, got drunk a bit and then had the idea to call A. (my [technically still] boyfriend at that time). I told him it would be better if we became friends. He agreed and today he confirmed that in the email by saying that friendship would work unlike relationship. I felt relieved.

In the meantime, he said he had been angry at me and that was why he didn't call me. He was expecting me to call especially because he had some problems. He missed my support. At that point I had a totally opposite impression. From the conversation on the phone and on line we'd had before I was almost sure that he was not really willing to share his problems with me and he didn't want any of my support. That was why I got pissed off and decided not to call. And yesterday he told me that I hadn't cared at all...

Well, I have no regrets at the moment. The ultimate solution of this situation is good and I am happy about it.

And I am happy about another thing. About the fact that my impression was wrong. I have a lot of impressions and in love/relationship cases they are usually negative or pessimistic. What I heard yesterday just proves that my impressions might easily be wrong. So that's another lesson saying that I should be more careful when having certain impressions. I hope I will apply it successfully next time.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Gotcha!

Some email spams are just hilarious. I’m already used to receiving penis enlargement or cheap Viagra pills propositions. I got some notifications about where the hot gals have their naked pics as well. By the way, they are really idiots – they should work on their market segmentation and targeting tactics. I don’t need either penis enlargement (I can’t complain about the size), or Viagra (I still can get it up easily) or pics of some chicks (wrong gender!).

But today, I found a really funny spam! They are really creative! The subject of the email was “we caught you naked [my first and last name here]! check the video!”

Of course, I didn’t want to check the video. I was at work so I couldn't let happen that someone enters the office and sees my naked videos on line :D

sex is passé

Yesterday, I saw the guy that I had met at the party the other Saturday. We met in a cafe and afterwards went to have a dinner. We had a nice conversation. My friend told me earlier that I was full of sense of humor and good jokes when we spoke on MSN. And so was I during the dinner. It was nice. Once, we were done with the eating, he suggested going to his apartment. I agreed. I asked if by any chance he had some liquor over there. A glass of wine was something that I really needed. He said "I don't have any wine but I have gin and tonic". For someone who had recently become fan of this fabulous drink no invitations had to be repeated anymore...

So we went to his place. As soon as he entered we started kissing. He started and I didn't object. Then he prepared the drink. I didn't have time to enjoy it though. We ended up in bed. I even didn't finish my glass! Not that it was bad or something. It was cool but I guess after so many one night stands recently I was just filled with sex for a while and didn't need it at that time. I would rather enjoy sitting on the couch, drinking and having an interesting conversation. And we just went to bed. So boring. Yes, I'm saying that sex was boring.

I think I should start applying the rule saying that if you stop yourself from having sex that will be even more exciting than actually doing it. And that will also show me as less attainable and less needy. And as you remember that was my mistake last time. It's time to stop analyzing the past. It's time to draw conclusions and apply them.

"I just move on!"

long distance relationships

I had a nice conversation with my flat mate recently. She comes from Europe and has a boyfriend back in her country. They are facing some difficulties now. It's the first time they are so far away from each other.

What I noticed by asking questions was that probably, they are in different reality right now and they are experiencing the relationship in different conditions - it's the first time that the distance plays such an important role. Before they were happy being together. Now, they're less happy and more confused. Does it mean that something is wrong? Yes, of course! They are not a long distance relationship persons. They don't work well when distance is in between. But as soon as they're back everything will be sorted out.

What's the lesson for me?
I am not a long distance relationship person either! I thought I was but it's bullshit. First of all, I can't be in an LDR when it's just about that start. It simply won't work. After a while of being together (physically in one city) it might work out if the period is not too long. But I know I will not feel happy when I'm far. I just don't feel happy in such a relationship. So no point in being in a one.

I am moving to Western Europe in September. I will live in a culture that I understand better and where people are more similar. My "relationship" life is officially over here in Northern Africa. Just a place for random fun.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

sincere stupidity

The previous week was full of experiences. And as it’s commonly known, the more of them you have the wiser you are. Or rather - you are supposed to be. These experiences have also shown me the dilemma of planning the future versus going with the flow. Thanks to that new solutions can be developed and applied.

Of course, there were so damages and victims as well. I was the victim of my stupidity. Now, I am aware of that and hopefully I will act more wisely.

But from the beginning...

Last Sunday, I got a nice message from an even nicer boy. He was cute, sweet, adorable, smart, funny etc. I met him the next day where I only confirmed first on line impressions. The next day, I met him again. We saw each other in my apartment. Of course we ended up in bed but doing not more than kissing and cuddling which was AMAZING. Stopping oneself from having sex is sometimes even more exciting than having sex! Then the next day, we met over a cup of coffee and tea. The fourth day, we had sex. And it was when the confusions started. I actually don’t know if they were connected with sex or maybe they just both appeared separately. The process called falling in love slowly kicked off. Way too early!! Just after a few days of knowing each other. I started being anxious. Although, I saw him that day and had sex I didn’t feel happy when being with him. Not only the process of falling in love started – also the process of thinking of the future. Of planning, analyzing, reflecting, projecting. Questions in my head kept popping up. Why didn’t he send a message saying “it was fabulous! You are wonderful! I miss you!”. He didn’t show up on MSN. He didn’t suggest meeting the next day. All these ridiculous ideas filled my head. I left home and went out. I couldn’t stop thinking. Then I came back and read the message from him “it was so nice today! I really enjoyed that. I waited for you a while but you didn’t show up on line”. Why wasn’t I happy to hear that? It wasn’t enough?? I’ve got damn too high expectations. Or I’m simply fucked up... Well, then I decided to apply one rule that everyone says is always right – being honest and telling the truth. Maybe it’s right to be honest, but maybe right things are not always good things. They’re not the best solutions... That time I should have kept some of my thoughts for myself. I didn’t. And I fucked up the relation. I told him about my feelings. I mentioned the relationship issue. I only heard back that he was not a long distance relationship person. That hurt me. Although it shouldn’t because it was too early for even thinking of that. But he still maintained he would like to see me. He promised to do it the next day.

To distract myself, I decided to have a one night stand that night. I found a sweet and cute guy. He was so charmed by me that he asked for being in a relationship in the middle of having sex... I guess some people can think about it way earlier than even me. There are people more fucked up than me...

I didn’t see my sweetie the next day. He didn’t call. Fortunately, I saw my friends, I went out where I met a nice European guy. Some drinks, a chat, some fun, some jokes, a cab ride to his place and hot sex. Again – distracting myself.

I must admit that distracting myself using sex only is not a long term solution. To distract myself more efficiently there would have to be more connection. I noticed that in most cases if the first date ends up in bed, the chances for something deeper are very low. Then I simply don’t have respect for the person. Or rather I don’t find the person interesting anymore.
I guess my sweetie didn’t find me interesting anymore either. It’s not about sex but about my sincere confession – the fact that I started having some feelings for him. His interest dropped significantly. No more nice text messages, no more talking on MSN (unless I start it). Today I told him that (again sincerity). He said he hadn’t been scared but rather annoyed. He also tried to justify me and put blame on himself (on letting it go too far etc). He was diplomatic but you could feel the coldness. As my friend told me – I looked too needy and desperate. And it’s definitely not a thing that attracts you in others. So I lost my attractiveness. And probably it’s impossible to restore it. Tonight I saw him on MSN and apparently when he saw me he changed his status to busy. Then I appeared off line (he must have thought I logged off) and he went back to available!!! I got pissed off. But at least this behavior left no hopes for me. At least now I know that it’s over. The chapter is closed.
Today I also met the guy from the party. He’s so into me. He looks very interested in me. Well, now the roles are totally opposite. I understand now what sweetie had to feel when I was showing too much interest.

I had my lesson. Don’t go too far, don’t go too fast. Take it easy. Don’t show too much interest. And if you want some questions to be answered ask them. But not directly. Cover them with some bla bla bla so that the person will not figure out that you are actually investigating him.

Next time I will implement that.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

where is the love?

I have the symptoms of being heart-broken. I have not broken up with anyone within the past days. I just met a guy and kind of fell into him but then it turned out that nothing could work out from that... (I will give you details in the next posts). We're still in touch but nothing will happen. When it comes to me and A. we haven't talked to each other for I guess 2 weeks or something. This implies that there was no official break-up but of course the relationship has been dead for about 1 month so this case is definitely closed. For the past days, I've had two one-night-stands just to distract myself from the other guy but this is a definitely short-term solution and the distraction goes away pretty quickly.

Again, I feel a bit disappointed and lonely. This feeling will probably disappear in a few days but still it's a sad feeling.

Oh god! I'm just craving for a deep and mutual love as if in the Hollywood productions or love songs. I just want to know where Mr Right is and why he's not here with me and then do everything to be with him. To live together and never have this fucking long-distance-relationship that I more and more believe is too hard for me to maintain or simply I just don't feel happy enough in such case. Right now, I'm stuck here where guys think only of fun, random dating, sex and nothing serious. The hypocrisy here is sometimes unbelievable and so disgusting. There are few exceptions but they are very rare. The pool is just very small here. I got a job in Western Europe that I will start in September so I'm looking forward to moving there where guys might still be a bit complicated (as everywhere) but still without these fucking cultural differences and at least more willing to have something serious and without the influence of the family that just drives me nuts here. Again, I have the need for settling down, living in one country and finding someone right there without having the relationship doomed to the "unhappy end" by long-distance (which is the case for me with all the guys met within last year).

My Facebook status says that I have started believing that "love is not a losing game". My friends keep asking if it's the result of meeting someone or falling in love. Unfortunately, it's not. I just want to believe that I will meet Mr Right. And the more you believe in that and imagine that, the more likely it is to happen.

So what's left for me is only to believe!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

dramas from the time perspective - part two

If you read my posts written 3 months ago (read any of the January posts), you will see how much players in the game have changed. At that point, the main roles belonged to A. and Mr Charm. I will update you how they roles have evolved until now.

Mr Charm - since the last conversation I had with him around 1 month ago on MSN, nothing has happened. I see him often on line but I don't bother starting to chat. It doesn't work out with him. He's too busy. And there is no place in my life for busy people although I'm not very busy myself. He was planning to come to Morocco at the beginning of April (after canceling our plans to meet in Europe) but nothing happened. Conclusion - to be deleted.

A. - it's the most weird relationship out of all I had. It's so pathetic. Around month ago we decided to be back together (read this link to be updated). After the discussion that finished with "please stop" we only spoke on the phone once and on MSN once as well (it was a period of almost 2 weeks). Both conversations were very shallow. "How are you?" "how are you?" bla bla bla. It was so shallow that I didn't start the topic of breaking up which seemed to be too serious for this kind of a stupid conversation. Except that, there is no interest from his side about anything related to me. As if I didn't exist. I even didn't tell him about the new job that I got in Europe. I don't feel it would be relevant for him whatsoever so I didn't bother calling. Conclusion - I don't know - maybe delete him or leave him as a friend? Now, I have no more feelings so even if we have sex that will not confuse me anymore.

So to summarize - look at my life from a wider time perspective. Each month/a few months there are new players. Those who had their main roles in January have slowly disappeared. Those who were in my life in summer disappeared quickly some time later. Now, I date/meet (don't know which word is more suitable) 2 guys. Both of them nice and sweet. How long will that stay? How many months? weeks? days?

No stability. No continuity. That's really annoying.
At least other parts of my life are pretty much successful - but this is not a place to write about them.
Wish me luck!