Most gays are sluts. Yes, it is a stereotype, it is a generalization and such statements hurt some guys who are the highly moral minority but it has to be admitted - this is the truth. There - I have said that. And if you have followed that blog for at least a little while you must know that I am no exception. It is fun even though sometimes it causes headfucks - a situation when you have a moral hang-over after a one night stand. But sometimes a one night stand is exactly what it should be - a great, amazing, mind-blowing fuck. There - I have said that.
It was a Monday a few months ago when I was still living in the Southern Hemisphere and I took that day off since I had friends from other side of Pacific visiting so I wanted to show them around and have a date with the city (even though I was accompanied by my guest - three women). The day was a bit exhausting and I declined to go and see a rugby game when my guests offered me to do so. 'What was he thinking?' you might say 'decline seeing a bunch of hot guys with lots of testosteron boiling in their veins?' The truth was that I was tired and you would have to go one hour by train to see the game. 'Nothing but a lame excuse' you might continue criticizing me. I would agree under usual circumstances. But what happened to me later that day was nothing usual whatsoever.
We met on a dating website. He was a local guy and I had been chatting with him for a few weeks but we had never met. He was very tall, very muscular, big and hot. A hung. He looked like a rugby player. It turned out that he was also my neighbor. I felt I wanted to meet him on the day my friends went to see the rugby game. I had no intention of having sex on the first meeting so I suggested to meet at a neutral ground - a cafe or a restaurant for a drink. He said there was not really any good place in the neighborhood and moreover, he felt tired so he did not feel like going out and proposed to meet up at his place instead. I gave it a second thought and said to myself that after a whole day out in the city I was not in a mood for a crowded place either so going to his apartment would be ok. I expressly announced I was not looking for a sexdate and he quickly and easily accepted that idea. I also said I could not drink any alcohol since I was on anti-biotics. I guess I wanted to make this 'date' as asexual and unappealing as possible.
So while my three female friends were enjoying watching the rugby players, I went a few blocks up the hill to meet my new, athletic friend. He invited me in and I was not impressed by the apartment itself but instantly overwhelmed by the view he had on the downtown. He could see the whole of the City skyline and it was even more picturesque with all the lights and colorful neons turned on at night. It was breathtaking. Once I cooled off a bit and sat down he offered me a glass of tonic and took a glass of white wine himself. We were seated in a visible distance one from another. The conversation was going fine although there was no outstanding connection. At a certain point he started saying something about the two couches and an armchair we were sitting on. He mentioned that the furniture was German and he had got it from a friend who was once single and decided to give it to him once she got married. 'It is furniture for single people only. Not for couples' he told me. Some time later it got cold in the apartment so he sat next to the heater that had happened to be next to me as well. At that moment, there was no longer any distance between us. A few seconds of tense and a little bit uncomfortable silence and he said he wanted to kiss me. On one hand, I wanted to do it too but on the other, I wanted to stick to my initial promise. After a few seconds of hesitation, I decided to go for the kiss. We carried on kissing. He was really good. He put his arms around me. The couches were quite uncomfortable. 'Now, I understand why they are not good for couples' I said and suggested going to his bedroom. I was trying to remove his t-shirt but he said we were not going to have sex since I had intended not to do it in the beginning. 'Fuck that' I replied and we took off.
It was mind-blowing. I have not had such good sex in long time. It was amazing. We repeated that a few days later and it was similarly incredible. I did not regret anything since it was that good but I learned a new thing and I realized I would have to carefully apply it in real life - once you meet a guy and decide to meet at his or your place, simply admit that you are most likely going to have sex with him. It is almost inevitable. Once you go into a river, you are wet.
When my friends arrived back from the game they were all excited as they really enjoyed it. They even saw some butt as the shorts of one of the players accidentally went down during a fight for the ball. It was amazing for them. 'Who won the game?' I asked. 'Hmmm... we are not quite sure' they replied. I smiled. 'You should have joined us. We had an incredible time. You should regret not going with us and staying at home instead... So what did you do actually?' they asked me. 'Not much' I responded 'I just had some rest and took a nap' I continued.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
One way or another
I spent my last few months in the Southern Hemisphere living in sort of a red light district. It was full of prostitutes, massages salons, brothels and other happy facilities that are usually to be easily found in such a neighborhood. My house itself used to be a brothel until a few months before me moving in but this story requires a separate post with its undivided attention to all that goes with living in an ex-brothel.
Being a resident of a red light district comes with a lot of unwanted (unplanned or unexpected might be more appropriate words) encounters with local prostitutes. They usually hit on you and compliment you just so that you could become their next client. Most of the times, they (the female ones) have a very bad gaydar and they incorrectly pre-screen me for their potential client. Little do they know about my sexual preferences.
One night however, it all took a totally different turn.
It was an uneventful Sunday night when I was walking home after a dinner with friends. I noticed a pair of prostitutes and a guy from the distance. I could not tell whether the guy was a client or a pimp. While I approached I realized that one of the prostitutes was quite manly and must have been a transvestite or a trans-sexual. I suddenly felt she would start talking to me soon but it was too late to run away. A few seconds later (s)he asked me 'Hey darling, do you want a blowjob?' I smiled and I kindly declined. 'Maybe you want to give me one?'. I was not expecting that kind of offer at all. I quickly accelerated the pace of my walk and disappeared behind the corner without opening my mouth to avoid having to produce any answer to the second proposition. I was speechless or maybe just I simply did not want to open my jaws. It was quite an experience.
Some boys-turned-girls can simply make it one way or another. They have it all - and that includes both male and female genitalia.
Being a resident of a red light district comes with a lot of unwanted (unplanned or unexpected might be more appropriate words) encounters with local prostitutes. They usually hit on you and compliment you just so that you could become their next client. Most of the times, they (the female ones) have a very bad gaydar and they incorrectly pre-screen me for their potential client. Little do they know about my sexual preferences.
One night however, it all took a totally different turn.
It was an uneventful Sunday night when I was walking home after a dinner with friends. I noticed a pair of prostitutes and a guy from the distance. I could not tell whether the guy was a client or a pimp. While I approached I realized that one of the prostitutes was quite manly and must have been a transvestite or a trans-sexual. I suddenly felt she would start talking to me soon but it was too late to run away. A few seconds later (s)he asked me 'Hey darling, do you want a blowjob?' I smiled and I kindly declined. 'Maybe you want to give me one?'. I was not expecting that kind of offer at all. I quickly accelerated the pace of my walk and disappeared behind the corner without opening my mouth to avoid having to produce any answer to the second proposition. I was speechless or maybe just I simply did not want to open my jaws. It was quite an experience.
Some boys-turned-girls can simply make it one way or another. They have it all - and that includes both male and female genitalia.
Monday, October 3, 2011
A cross-hemispherical encounter
The first night when my South-East Asian date blew me off was when I met someone else. He was a European guy from Western Mediterranean region traveling after having finished an exchange semester in the Southern Hemisphere. He sent me a message via the dating/hook-up website I use frequently and after a few back-and-forth's on the site, I suggested meeting up for hot chocolate after work. By 'hot chocolate', I did mean the hot chocolate (a warm beverage).
When I arrived at the chocolaterie, he was already waiting in the line to purchase some hot, sweet and tasty drinks. He insisted on paying for my order which was kind of cute. He turned out to be a tall, handsome, Mediterranean guy with a beautiful smile revealing an impeccable line of nice, white teeth. Prior to our meeting I had told him I would have only an hour since I was going to have a meditation class exactly an hour after work. He was ok with that. We spent a nice hour, talking mostly about each other as this was the first time we had met. I felt like I wanted to meet him again but he was leaving two days later and my social agenda was already tightly filled. I told him I would contact him in the evening and maybe we could meet up for a drink.
On that day, I was going to meet up with my South-East Asian date but he cancelled on me saying a friend had called and offered him to play volleyball. My date could not have possibly refused but I was not really upset and I quickly informed the European guy I would be available to see him around 9 PM. We met up close to my house and headed towards the favorite part of my neighborhood full of nice restaurants and cafés. I felt like going to one of my preferred French lounge bars/restaurants. It turned out there was some cabaret/burlesque show that night so the whole atmosphere somewhat special. We sensed we were magically taken somewhere to Montmarte in Paris. It did not feel like the Southern Hemisphere at all. My new friend was enchanted by the soirée. We did not talk about sex, dating or relationships at all. We rather discussed traveling, living in Europe vs. the Southern Hemisphere, being a foreigner while living abroad etc. It was a very pleasant night after which he went back to his hostel and I went back to my place.
I wanted to meet him the day after but I was going to the cinema after work and then having a dinner with some friends. I promised I would text him if I was to be free which seemed unlikely given my busy social schedule. But the day turned out a little bit differently and the ending was quite unusual... Since the very morning I had had an annoying pain in my ear and in my throat. Unfortunately, I knew it could be an ear infection. The joint ear/throat ache happens every now and then but usually goes away after a few hours. On that day, it was not the case. It was getting worse hour by hour. It started being extremely annoying and painful while I was in the cinema. I still went for the dinner but the pain prevented me from enjoying it. Around 10 PM, I decided I would not be able to cope with it and I went to the emergency. It was nothing serious as I suspected but I needed some painkillers... and antibiotics as it later turned out. While I was sitting in the waiting room, I got a text message from the Euro guy. It was around 23.30 PM and he said 'I am free now and if by any chance you are free for a drink as well then I would be really happy to hang out with you'. I replied 'I don't think I will be able to go out to a pub or a bar now but if you want to join me at the hospital, come over. I'm at the emergency'. I guess that (sub)consciously I wanted to make it sound a little bit dramatic and serious so that he would come. One of the reasons of that was that I felt like seeing him again. But on the other hand, I was at the emergency and I felt sort of lonely at that particular moment. There was quite a few people in suffering (including me) and the atmosphere was overall dreadful. It was a hospital after all. The emergency was a few minutes away from my place and also very close to the Euro's guy hostel. He showed up after a few minutes. Some time later, my doctor arrived and I had my consultation. Half an hour, more than hundred dollars and a few pills later, I was free to go home. The Euro guy and I headed towards our neighborhood. It was a quiet, nice, warm and quite an uneventful Friday night. He decided to walk me home. When we reached my place, I hugged him good night which was also a big 'Thank you for coming to see me at the emergency'. After all, we had only met the day before and bluntly speaking, we were strangers to each other. And yet, I found myself waiting at the hospital with a random European guy who decided to come over and accompany me in pain (almost literally). It was too cute.
The Euro guy was leaving the Southern Hemisphere the day after (Saturday) around 4 PM and as usual my social agenda on that day was filled with meetings, brunches and parties. I decided I had to see him anyway. He was a very nice person and he came to see me while I was in pain at the emergency. So I squeezed him into my busy day. We met up for a coffee before 10 AM on a Saturday morning. We went to the modest coffee shop a few steps away from my house. It was a sunny and fresh morning filled with the smell of caffeine. At some point, he took a book from his backpack and showed it to me. It was a guidebook of the city we were in. He said he would no longer need it as he was leaving and he asked me whether I wanted it. The main idea of that book was to show tourists how to enjoy that very expensive city without making them spend too much. One of the first pages said 'The best things in life are free'. 'I love it!' I exclaimed in ecstasy. It had been a while since I heard last time. I said I could only accept the book if he dedicated it to me. For a second, I felt bad to have said that because my vain request seemed to have confused him. He try to get away without writing anything by saying I would have no space in my luggage to take the book with me but I replied that I could always tear out the page with his dedication. And so did his struggle to write a dedication begin. After a few minutes of silence, he handed the book over to me. The page he had chosen to write the dedication was the one with 'The best things in life are free'. He wrote that meeting me had been the best proof of that saying and the the book was useless as there was no guidance as how to encounter people like me. But I only read that a few days later as I wanted to postpone the pleasure of discovering his message for as long as I could. After giving me the guidebook he took a very old-fashioned Polaroid out of his bag and decided to take a picture of me. As I later realized he only had a few Polaroid negatives as they are quite hard to get for his camera and thus expensive. Had I known that before the shot I would have done everything to have a perfect smile and hair-style. But the photo was nice anyway, especially when he wrote the date, the name of the city and my name on it. He offered it to me even though it was still being developed. I had another souvenir of that exquisite Saturday morning. After a few minutes we both had to leave. I had to proceed to the next point of my social agenda. We left and hugged each other goodbye as we had done less than 12 hours before.
I was really enchanted by that amazing moments that I manage to attract into my life. Another thing is that this encounter was totally deprived of any talks on sex, dating or relationships. Needless to add, there seemed to be no sexual tension between us either. I guess we are both quite handsome and good-looking but yet nothing sparked. And thanks God for that! I do not need another date, boyfriend or fuck buddy. A friend will be much better. Because friendship are far more likely to last longer.
When I arrived at the chocolaterie, he was already waiting in the line to purchase some hot, sweet and tasty drinks. He insisted on paying for my order which was kind of cute. He turned out to be a tall, handsome, Mediterranean guy with a beautiful smile revealing an impeccable line of nice, white teeth. Prior to our meeting I had told him I would have only an hour since I was going to have a meditation class exactly an hour after work. He was ok with that. We spent a nice hour, talking mostly about each other as this was the first time we had met. I felt like I wanted to meet him again but he was leaving two days later and my social agenda was already tightly filled. I told him I would contact him in the evening and maybe we could meet up for a drink.
On that day, I was going to meet up with my South-East Asian date but he cancelled on me saying a friend had called and offered him to play volleyball. My date could not have possibly refused but I was not really upset and I quickly informed the European guy I would be available to see him around 9 PM. We met up close to my house and headed towards the favorite part of my neighborhood full of nice restaurants and cafés. I felt like going to one of my preferred French lounge bars/restaurants. It turned out there was some cabaret/burlesque show that night so the whole atmosphere somewhat special. We sensed we were magically taken somewhere to Montmarte in Paris. It did not feel like the Southern Hemisphere at all. My new friend was enchanted by the soirée. We did not talk about sex, dating or relationships at all. We rather discussed traveling, living in Europe vs. the Southern Hemisphere, being a foreigner while living abroad etc. It was a very pleasant night after which he went back to his hostel and I went back to my place.
I wanted to meet him the day after but I was going to the cinema after work and then having a dinner with some friends. I promised I would text him if I was to be free which seemed unlikely given my busy social schedule. But the day turned out a little bit differently and the ending was quite unusual... Since the very morning I had had an annoying pain in my ear and in my throat. Unfortunately, I knew it could be an ear infection. The joint ear/throat ache happens every now and then but usually goes away after a few hours. On that day, it was not the case. It was getting worse hour by hour. It started being extremely annoying and painful while I was in the cinema. I still went for the dinner but the pain prevented me from enjoying it. Around 10 PM, I decided I would not be able to cope with it and I went to the emergency. It was nothing serious as I suspected but I needed some painkillers... and antibiotics as it later turned out. While I was sitting in the waiting room, I got a text message from the Euro guy. It was around 23.30 PM and he said 'I am free now and if by any chance you are free for a drink as well then I would be really happy to hang out with you'. I replied 'I don't think I will be able to go out to a pub or a bar now but if you want to join me at the hospital, come over. I'm at the emergency'. I guess that (sub)consciously I wanted to make it sound a little bit dramatic and serious so that he would come. One of the reasons of that was that I felt like seeing him again. But on the other hand, I was at the emergency and I felt sort of lonely at that particular moment. There was quite a few people in suffering (including me) and the atmosphere was overall dreadful. It was a hospital after all. The emergency was a few minutes away from my place and also very close to the Euro's guy hostel. He showed up after a few minutes. Some time later, my doctor arrived and I had my consultation. Half an hour, more than hundred dollars and a few pills later, I was free to go home. The Euro guy and I headed towards our neighborhood. It was a quiet, nice, warm and quite an uneventful Friday night. He decided to walk me home. When we reached my place, I hugged him good night which was also a big 'Thank you for coming to see me at the emergency'. After all, we had only met the day before and bluntly speaking, we were strangers to each other. And yet, I found myself waiting at the hospital with a random European guy who decided to come over and accompany me in pain (almost literally). It was too cute.
The Euro guy was leaving the Southern Hemisphere the day after (Saturday) around 4 PM and as usual my social agenda on that day was filled with meetings, brunches and parties. I decided I had to see him anyway. He was a very nice person and he came to see me while I was in pain at the emergency. So I squeezed him into my busy day. We met up for a coffee before 10 AM on a Saturday morning. We went to the modest coffee shop a few steps away from my house. It was a sunny and fresh morning filled with the smell of caffeine. At some point, he took a book from his backpack and showed it to me. It was a guidebook of the city we were in. He said he would no longer need it as he was leaving and he asked me whether I wanted it. The main idea of that book was to show tourists how to enjoy that very expensive city without making them spend too much. One of the first pages said 'The best things in life are free'. 'I love it!' I exclaimed in ecstasy. It had been a while since I heard last time. I said I could only accept the book if he dedicated it to me. For a second, I felt bad to have said that because my vain request seemed to have confused him. He try to get away without writing anything by saying I would have no space in my luggage to take the book with me but I replied that I could always tear out the page with his dedication. And so did his struggle to write a dedication begin. After a few minutes of silence, he handed the book over to me. The page he had chosen to write the dedication was the one with 'The best things in life are free'. He wrote that meeting me had been the best proof of that saying and the the book was useless as there was no guidance as how to encounter people like me. But I only read that a few days later as I wanted to postpone the pleasure of discovering his message for as long as I could. After giving me the guidebook he took a very old-fashioned Polaroid out of his bag and decided to take a picture of me. As I later realized he only had a few Polaroid negatives as they are quite hard to get for his camera and thus expensive. Had I known that before the shot I would have done everything to have a perfect smile and hair-style. But the photo was nice anyway, especially when he wrote the date, the name of the city and my name on it. He offered it to me even though it was still being developed. I had another souvenir of that exquisite Saturday morning. After a few minutes we both had to leave. I had to proceed to the next point of my social agenda. We left and hugged each other goodbye as we had done less than 12 hours before.
I was really enchanted by that amazing moments that I manage to attract into my life. Another thing is that this encounter was totally deprived of any talks on sex, dating or relationships. Needless to add, there seemed to be no sexual tension between us either. I guess we are both quite handsome and good-looking but yet nothing sparked. And thanks God for that! I do not need another date, boyfriend or fuck buddy. A friend will be much better. Because friendship are far more likely to last longer.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Everyone has to do Asia
My South-East Asian encounter was a totally new experience for me. A nice date, great dinner, total blissfulness in a park, great sex. All of that with someone much younger, much slimmer and Asian. I could not believe what I was living. I was breaking all of my patterns. But it felt amazing. It felt rejuvenating. It was very fresh. I immediately had to tell everything to my friends. I gave them a detailed report of the whole weekend. I added that I could not understand how it was possible for me to break my pattern and start dating an Asian. I have many Asian friends but I was never attracted to Asian men. One of them said 'Oh dear! There you go. Welcome to Asia! Every guy, no matter if straight or gay, has a crush on Asian men or women. It just has to happen at some point. It is inevitable. I have been there. It has happened to me. It is not that strong anymore though. I guess I am done. But you should enjoy it!' I realized it was the beginning of an Asian season. Felt like a rainy season. A wet season of monsoons.
I also remember the conversation with my good Asian friend over a dinner: 'I have to tell you something.' I said. 'I hooked up with someone. He is...' I was not ready to finish the sentence yet. 'I don't know what's going on with me! I wasn't expecting that to happen to me at all' I was exclaiming. The impatience on my friend's face was mounting and I could see that he was waiting for me to finally confess my secret. There was a little hint of confusion on his face. I decided to be a man and break the news. 'Ok, I am just going to say it to you...' Last moment of hesitation elapsed. 'I hooked up with an Asian guy, he is very slim and 4 years younger. I don't know what happened to me?! I thought I wasn't interested in Asians.' He did not say anything at first but then simply burst out laughing at me. It was funny but I did feel a little bit embarrassed.
So yes, I was in Asia. Another continent I have discovered. And to be honest, I was enjoying that new exploration. Two days after our memorable night of listening to Tchaikovsky, we decided to go to a cinema. I am in my late twenties now but somehow I realized that it would be my first date in a cinema. I confessed that observation to a friend while being filled with fresh joy and excitement, promising that there would be some kissing and making out in the cinema just as if I was a teenager. I thought I deserved that since I had never experienced that before. We went to see the movie. Then, we had a dinner a few days later. We also had one more dinner followed by spending night at his place. One Saturday night, we went out the gay neighborhood with some friends of mine and we had a lot of fun too.
It was a very pleasant, drama-free and joyful dating. I have to admit that some feelings started developing in me but I guess I was aware that nothing could evolve of that relationship. I was going to leave the Southern Hemisphere less than a month later and I had no intention in changing my plans. I noticed that he had started having some feelings for me too. Surprisingly to myself, I would always say to him 'Let's not think about the future and the fact that I will be leaving in a few weeks. Let's just enjoy the presence and the time we spend together now.' He would always agree with me.
But the drama caught up with us after almost 2 weeks of blissful dating. First, he cancelled one of our evenings. I was going to meet up with him for a dinner and then we were to spend a night at his place. He texted me in the evening, just before our meeting saying that a friend of his had called him and asked to join them for a volleyball game. My date was a regular player so he would not miss such an opportunity. I was a bit disappointed but I quickly made some other plans for that night and spent a very nice evening with someone else. Just a dinner to be exact in case you are curious.
There was another drama situation 2 days later. It was my farewell party (around 2 weeks before my scheduled departure) and my date was my plus one. After the party, we were supposed to go to his place and spend a night together. We left the place around midnight and I could see that something was wrong. It turned out that his friend had sent him a message asking him to host him for a few days because he had had a fight with his room mate. The friend was already in my date's bed and my date was quite confused. He didn't seem to want to refuse that request. I asked whether his unexpected guest could sleep on the floor. It wasn't an option - no mattresses. 'Maybe he could spend a night on the couch in the living room' I suggested. It was not an option either - his flat mate would be bothered in the morning in case he wanted to do something in his own living room. 'Well, we can always go to my place!' I gave another option. But that did not seem as a good idea to him either. 'Your bed is too small!' I was tired of all that. 'Well, I can go to my place and you can go to yours. That's totally fine.' I suggested. 'I don't want to upset you and I don't know what to do!' His behavior and indecisiveness did upset me. I was annoyed and pissed off. 'Listen!' I started 'We are not a couple. You can meet up with your friends whenever you want. You can have sex with whomever you want. We're just having fun. No strings attached. But if we make plans I'd appreciate if we could stick to them.' He did not seem to be angry but rather sad about the whole situation. He felt I was right and maybe that is why he decided to finally go to my place. Eventually, I don't think it was a good idea. He seemed unhappy or stressed. It was after midnight and we fell asleep immediately. No sex and hardly any kissing. He was not comfortable. What was even more disturbing was that he left my place on a Sunday morning at around 7 AM. I was too sleepy to get upset and I just cursed him in my mind and went back to sleeping. I wasn't thinking about him too much on that day.
The next day, I received a text message asking how I was doing and also mentioning that he felt very messy in his head on that day. In the sms's that followed, I learned that he liked me a lot but he figured out enigmatically that friendship would be more strong and long-lasting than any other kind of relations between us. I agreed and again, I did not give it a lot of thought at that time.
On the following day, I started analyzing the whole situation and I figured it would be wiser to discuss it with him over a dinner. I sent him a message asking him out on that night. A few minutes later, I received a seemingly vague response with a very clear message between the lines. I read 'Sorry. I am playing with my buddies. I will see you some time soon when I am free.' Well, I know that line. I used that line. I wrote that line! I immediately understood that this guy was just not that into me anymore. I decided not to react in a dramatic way and I replied something calm - 'Yes, sure. Have fun tonight and see you soon.' But then I decided to release my anger on Facebook and post some enigmatic update where between lines I bashed myself for damaging the relationship with myself by cheating on myself with someone else. I published that in French so that my ex-Asian date could not understand. But I under-estimated him. He realized that something was wrong and that it related to him. He quickly initiated a Skype conversation to clear the mist between us. He did not blame me for anything that had happened between us. The drama of preceding Saturday night did not contribute either. After a few moments of hesitation (the same kind of hesitation I performed while announcing to my Asian friend that I was dating an Asian person), he finally confessed that he felt very attracted to my personality but he did not fancy me physically. Well, I never wrote that line. Neither did I hear or read it! It was new to me. He confirmed it did not happen because of sex between us or because of anything that could be attributable to me doing something wrong or neglecting to do it. 'I am just attracted to guys like my European ex. I think I am still in his shadow.' I was quite puzzled and speechless at the same time. I was not quite sure what to say. I thought that maybe his excuse was a lie and maybe he got scared when he realized that he had started having some serious feelings for me. After analyzing that self-indulgent thought I said to myself there was no point in figuring out why our short-lived dating period was over. We decided to remain friends and keep in touch. After all, he was a nice, smart and good guy.
My trip to Asia was over. But as after any exciting voyage, I had a great souvenir - my memories.
I also remember the conversation with my good Asian friend over a dinner: 'I have to tell you something.' I said. 'I hooked up with someone. He is...' I was not ready to finish the sentence yet. 'I don't know what's going on with me! I wasn't expecting that to happen to me at all' I was exclaiming. The impatience on my friend's face was mounting and I could see that he was waiting for me to finally confess my secret. There was a little hint of confusion on his face. I decided to be a man and break the news. 'Ok, I am just going to say it to you...' Last moment of hesitation elapsed. 'I hooked up with an Asian guy, he is very slim and 4 years younger. I don't know what happened to me?! I thought I wasn't interested in Asians.' He did not say anything at first but then simply burst out laughing at me. It was funny but I did feel a little bit embarrassed.
So yes, I was in Asia. Another continent I have discovered. And to be honest, I was enjoying that new exploration. Two days after our memorable night of listening to Tchaikovsky, we decided to go to a cinema. I am in my late twenties now but somehow I realized that it would be my first date in a cinema. I confessed that observation to a friend while being filled with fresh joy and excitement, promising that there would be some kissing and making out in the cinema just as if I was a teenager. I thought I deserved that since I had never experienced that before. We went to see the movie. Then, we had a dinner a few days later. We also had one more dinner followed by spending night at his place. One Saturday night, we went out the gay neighborhood with some friends of mine and we had a lot of fun too.
It was a very pleasant, drama-free and joyful dating. I have to admit that some feelings started developing in me but I guess I was aware that nothing could evolve of that relationship. I was going to leave the Southern Hemisphere less than a month later and I had no intention in changing my plans. I noticed that he had started having some feelings for me too. Surprisingly to myself, I would always say to him 'Let's not think about the future and the fact that I will be leaving in a few weeks. Let's just enjoy the presence and the time we spend together now.' He would always agree with me.
But the drama caught up with us after almost 2 weeks of blissful dating. First, he cancelled one of our evenings. I was going to meet up with him for a dinner and then we were to spend a night at his place. He texted me in the evening, just before our meeting saying that a friend of his had called him and asked to join them for a volleyball game. My date was a regular player so he would not miss such an opportunity. I was a bit disappointed but I quickly made some other plans for that night and spent a very nice evening with someone else. Just a dinner to be exact in case you are curious.
There was another drama situation 2 days later. It was my farewell party (around 2 weeks before my scheduled departure) and my date was my plus one. After the party, we were supposed to go to his place and spend a night together. We left the place around midnight and I could see that something was wrong. It turned out that his friend had sent him a message asking him to host him for a few days because he had had a fight with his room mate. The friend was already in my date's bed and my date was quite confused. He didn't seem to want to refuse that request. I asked whether his unexpected guest could sleep on the floor. It wasn't an option - no mattresses. 'Maybe he could spend a night on the couch in the living room' I suggested. It was not an option either - his flat mate would be bothered in the morning in case he wanted to do something in his own living room. 'Well, we can always go to my place!' I gave another option. But that did not seem as a good idea to him either. 'Your bed is too small!' I was tired of all that. 'Well, I can go to my place and you can go to yours. That's totally fine.' I suggested. 'I don't want to upset you and I don't know what to do!' His behavior and indecisiveness did upset me. I was annoyed and pissed off. 'Listen!' I started 'We are not a couple. You can meet up with your friends whenever you want. You can have sex with whomever you want. We're just having fun. No strings attached. But if we make plans I'd appreciate if we could stick to them.' He did not seem to be angry but rather sad about the whole situation. He felt I was right and maybe that is why he decided to finally go to my place. Eventually, I don't think it was a good idea. He seemed unhappy or stressed. It was after midnight and we fell asleep immediately. No sex and hardly any kissing. He was not comfortable. What was even more disturbing was that he left my place on a Sunday morning at around 7 AM. I was too sleepy to get upset and I just cursed him in my mind and went back to sleeping. I wasn't thinking about him too much on that day.
The next day, I received a text message asking how I was doing and also mentioning that he felt very messy in his head on that day. In the sms's that followed, I learned that he liked me a lot but he figured out enigmatically that friendship would be more strong and long-lasting than any other kind of relations between us. I agreed and again, I did not give it a lot of thought at that time.
On the following day, I started analyzing the whole situation and I figured it would be wiser to discuss it with him over a dinner. I sent him a message asking him out on that night. A few minutes later, I received a seemingly vague response with a very clear message between the lines. I read 'Sorry. I am playing with my buddies. I will see you some time soon when I am free.' Well, I know that line. I used that line. I wrote that line! I immediately understood that this guy was just not that into me anymore. I decided not to react in a dramatic way and I replied something calm - 'Yes, sure. Have fun tonight and see you soon.' But then I decided to release my anger on Facebook and post some enigmatic update where between lines I bashed myself for damaging the relationship with myself by cheating on myself with someone else. I published that in French so that my ex-Asian date could not understand. But I under-estimated him. He realized that something was wrong and that it related to him. He quickly initiated a Skype conversation to clear the mist between us. He did not blame me for anything that had happened between us. The drama of preceding Saturday night did not contribute either. After a few moments of hesitation (the same kind of hesitation I performed while announcing to my Asian friend that I was dating an Asian person), he finally confessed that he felt very attracted to my personality but he did not fancy me physically. Well, I never wrote that line. Neither did I hear or read it! It was new to me. He confirmed it did not happen because of sex between us or because of anything that could be attributable to me doing something wrong or neglecting to do it. 'I am just attracted to guys like my European ex. I think I am still in his shadow.' I was quite puzzled and speechless at the same time. I was not quite sure what to say. I thought that maybe his excuse was a lie and maybe he got scared when he realized that he had started having some serious feelings for me. After analyzing that self-indulgent thought I said to myself there was no point in figuring out why our short-lived dating period was over. We decided to remain friends and keep in touch. After all, he was a nice, smart and good guy.
My trip to Asia was over. But as after any exciting voyage, I had a great souvenir - my memories.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I had a fling
The first post-relationship sexdate left me traumatized and prevented me from wanting to meet anyone. That lasted a week. I had quite a few offers to meet up for a coffee or another sexdate but I did not feel like accepting any of those invitations. That was until I started chatting with this young South-East Asian boy. He seemed quite simple, nice and easy-going. He initiated our conversations and he kept sending me his messages. Two or three days after the first exchange of emails, he suggested meeting up for a coffee. I did not object and thought there could be nothing harmless about a cup of coffee with a nice boy. We set the date for the following day.
On the day of the 'date', I woke up quite late after a night out with my friends and a lot of different drinks still mixed in my stomach. My head was not in a good shape. I crawled out of bed, went to the bathroom, showered and started dressing up. It was a lovely and sunny, August winter day in the Southern Hemisphere. I left my house and started walking towards the place of our coffee/date. I met him on the way, around a famous spot in that neighborhood. We started talking and walking together. He was slim, he was Asian and he was four years younger - three features that I had never found attractive. I, however, decided to be more open-minded and think outside the box. 'Maybe it was time to be less judgmental and change some patterns of mine' I said to myself. I found the date quite enjoyable. We had a great brunch and I realized that this young boy seemed to have a great sense of humor and intelligence at the same time - a mix I easily fall for. We finished the brunch and decided to go for a walk. The neighborhood and its architecture were gorgeous and so was the weather. Spontaneously, we thought of going to the nearby park. It is quite a big park on the east edge of the City and as most of the city parks, I found it magnificent. It was an early afternoon of a sunny day. We ended up lying on the lawn like a pair of lazy cats. It was blissful and relaxing. Suddenly, I felt his hand dangerously close to my body. After that, he started kissing me. I did not say anything. I do not stop that. I just reciprocated his kisses. He stopped and then we continued to talk. After that I received a few more kisses again. It was quite an adorable and cute scene - two guys lying lazily on the lawn of a park surrounded by the city jungle while innocently making out and kissing. I can only say that it felt better than it looked. After some time of that blissful innocence, we got up and decided to get some ice-creams. We got them at the local equivalent of Mc Donald's which was even cuter - that is the whole situation was cute, not the equivalent of Mc Donald's. We walked while consuming ice-creams for about 20 minutes and then I headed back home. It was the cutest date I had ever had in my life.
We also met up on the next day - Sunday. We had a dinner at a sushi restaurant. He recommended the place and while we were sitting at the table and I said something about how good it would be to have a bottle of red wine he immediately stood up and headed to the nearest bottle shop to fulfill my vain desire. I was positively shocked by how attentive my young date was. But there was more to be revealed during that soirée. As usual, there was a lot of discussions about life, love, happiness, relationships (including the one with oneself) - the common philosophical stuff that goes through my head on daily basis (probably too often and too much but I guess I have already accepted my brain and mind for what they are and I no longer want to change them so badly). And to my surprise, the 23-year old boy from South-East Asia had extremely deep thoughts and profound reflections. I had no doubts regarding the height of his IQ - it's a bit of a cliché but Asian students are said to be quite smart. As my [Asian] friend put it - Asian parents know how to make their children smart in school but they do not always know how to make them socially smart. I saw a lot of examples of that but my South-East Asian date did not follow that pattern at all. His IQ was as high as his social skills which came as a huge surprise to me. Of course that meant troubles as well. I found him cute despite him being very slim and very young. It all did not matter whatsoever. He had already charmed me with his intelligence, life wisdom and good manners. I was caught. I was stuck in a trap of attraction. Those of you who usually fall for people's mind, intellect and personality will be able to understand me. I am one of you. I felt attracted to his personality. His brain seduced me. So no wonder that when he innocently asked me whether I would show him my place, I immediately agreed. We paid the bill and we left the place - actually I did pay it. You see... not only did I fall for the guy but I also spent money on him. This only shows how dangerous interesting guys can be to me. And to my wallet. So we headed towards my place. On the way, we passed that travel agency offering a hire or even a purchase of traveling vans with a convertible kitchen, bedroom, dining room and God knows what else inside. I shuddered at the idea of experiencing a journey in such a vehicle and my date only shouted 'Oh my God, I hate these too!' I loved him even more for that little example of mutual hatred against backpackers and traveling vans. A few minutes later, we shared a cigarette. He admitted he was not a chain smoker and he did not want to become one but he enjoyed a cigarette every now and then. 'You are a social smoker! Just like me!' I exclaimed in ecstasy. He smiled having realized we had another thing in common. Once the cigarette ritual was completed, we walked towards my house. It was quite close from there and a little while later we were at my door. Slowly and quietly, in order not to create unnecessary attention coming from my flatmates, we entered the house and gently made our way to my room. I offered him something to drink and played some nice music. Unsurprisingly, we started kissing and making out. Some time later, I insisted on not going any further as I thought it was all unfolding too fast. He nodded and carried on kissing me. Of course, it was too late to stop anything and my stupid request to do so was totally useless and ineffective. I should have known better. That ship had already sailed. I decided to turn the volume up to prevent my flatmates from hearing anything and possibly telling on me to our peace-loving landlady. Somehow, I also changed the song and strangely picked 'Swan Lake' by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. I usually listen to that piece when I study so it was the first time that I was about to have sex with this South-East Asian boy accompanied by a bunch of swans and Tchaikovsky. We illustrated that piece perfectly! We finished right at the end of Act 1, Part 1 when all the music along with the orchestra was culminating in their climax. Needless to add, so were we. We lied on the bed for some time and then he was going to leave but I stopped him and managed to convince to stay over night at my place. He did and it was indeed nice to have a cute boy in my bed all night long. We also continued to listen to Tchaikovsky. And illustrate his music too.
That was a very cute, sweet and nice beginning of a charming but short-lived fling. It was a much more sophisticated and efficient rebound than the tragic one-night-stand of the preceding weekend. No head-fuck on the next day either. Just a pure pleasure and that light feeling in the heart... and in my head. So I guess we cannot totally rule rebounds out. They aren't only good or only bad. They aren't black or white only. Just do not do them for pure physical pleasure only when your life and prior experience provide you with strong evidence that you might not be at your best after you perform it. Just listen to your intuition. Most of times, it will tell you what to do.
On the day of the 'date', I woke up quite late after a night out with my friends and a lot of different drinks still mixed in my stomach. My head was not in a good shape. I crawled out of bed, went to the bathroom, showered and started dressing up. It was a lovely and sunny, August winter day in the Southern Hemisphere. I left my house and started walking towards the place of our coffee/date. I met him on the way, around a famous spot in that neighborhood. We started talking and walking together. He was slim, he was Asian and he was four years younger - three features that I had never found attractive. I, however, decided to be more open-minded and think outside the box. 'Maybe it was time to be less judgmental and change some patterns of mine' I said to myself. I found the date quite enjoyable. We had a great brunch and I realized that this young boy seemed to have a great sense of humor and intelligence at the same time - a mix I easily fall for. We finished the brunch and decided to go for a walk. The neighborhood and its architecture were gorgeous and so was the weather. Spontaneously, we thought of going to the nearby park. It is quite a big park on the east edge of the City and as most of the city parks, I found it magnificent. It was an early afternoon of a sunny day. We ended up lying on the lawn like a pair of lazy cats. It was blissful and relaxing. Suddenly, I felt his hand dangerously close to my body. After that, he started kissing me. I did not say anything. I do not stop that. I just reciprocated his kisses. He stopped and then we continued to talk. After that I received a few more kisses again. It was quite an adorable and cute scene - two guys lying lazily on the lawn of a park surrounded by the city jungle while innocently making out and kissing. I can only say that it felt better than it looked. After some time of that blissful innocence, we got up and decided to get some ice-creams. We got them at the local equivalent of Mc Donald's which was even cuter - that is the whole situation was cute, not the equivalent of Mc Donald's. We walked while consuming ice-creams for about 20 minutes and then I headed back home. It was the cutest date I had ever had in my life.
We also met up on the next day - Sunday. We had a dinner at a sushi restaurant. He recommended the place and while we were sitting at the table and I said something about how good it would be to have a bottle of red wine he immediately stood up and headed to the nearest bottle shop to fulfill my vain desire. I was positively shocked by how attentive my young date was. But there was more to be revealed during that soirée. As usual, there was a lot of discussions about life, love, happiness, relationships (including the one with oneself) - the common philosophical stuff that goes through my head on daily basis (probably too often and too much but I guess I have already accepted my brain and mind for what they are and I no longer want to change them so badly). And to my surprise, the 23-year old boy from South-East Asia had extremely deep thoughts and profound reflections. I had no doubts regarding the height of his IQ - it's a bit of a cliché but Asian students are said to be quite smart. As my [Asian] friend put it - Asian parents know how to make their children smart in school but they do not always know how to make them socially smart. I saw a lot of examples of that but my South-East Asian date did not follow that pattern at all. His IQ was as high as his social skills which came as a huge surprise to me. Of course that meant troubles as well. I found him cute despite him being very slim and very young. It all did not matter whatsoever. He had already charmed me with his intelligence, life wisdom and good manners. I was caught. I was stuck in a trap of attraction. Those of you who usually fall for people's mind, intellect and personality will be able to understand me. I am one of you. I felt attracted to his personality. His brain seduced me. So no wonder that when he innocently asked me whether I would show him my place, I immediately agreed. We paid the bill and we left the place - actually I did pay it. You see... not only did I fall for the guy but I also spent money on him. This only shows how dangerous interesting guys can be to me. And to my wallet. So we headed towards my place. On the way, we passed that travel agency offering a hire or even a purchase of traveling vans with a convertible kitchen, bedroom, dining room and God knows what else inside. I shuddered at the idea of experiencing a journey in such a vehicle and my date only shouted 'Oh my God, I hate these too!' I loved him even more for that little example of mutual hatred against backpackers and traveling vans. A few minutes later, we shared a cigarette. He admitted he was not a chain smoker and he did not want to become one but he enjoyed a cigarette every now and then. 'You are a social smoker! Just like me!' I exclaimed in ecstasy. He smiled having realized we had another thing in common. Once the cigarette ritual was completed, we walked towards my house. It was quite close from there and a little while later we were at my door. Slowly and quietly, in order not to create unnecessary attention coming from my flatmates, we entered the house and gently made our way to my room. I offered him something to drink and played some nice music. Unsurprisingly, we started kissing and making out. Some time later, I insisted on not going any further as I thought it was all unfolding too fast. He nodded and carried on kissing me. Of course, it was too late to stop anything and my stupid request to do so was totally useless and ineffective. I should have known better. That ship had already sailed. I decided to turn the volume up to prevent my flatmates from hearing anything and possibly telling on me to our peace-loving landlady. Somehow, I also changed the song and strangely picked 'Swan Lake' by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. I usually listen to that piece when I study so it was the first time that I was about to have sex with this South-East Asian boy accompanied by a bunch of swans and Tchaikovsky. We illustrated that piece perfectly! We finished right at the end of Act 1, Part 1 when all the music along with the orchestra was culminating in their climax. Needless to add, so were we. We lied on the bed for some time and then he was going to leave but I stopped him and managed to convince to stay over night at my place. He did and it was indeed nice to have a cute boy in my bed all night long. We also continued to listen to Tchaikovsky. And illustrate his music too.
That was a very cute, sweet and nice beginning of a charming but short-lived fling. It was a much more sophisticated and efficient rebound than the tragic one-night-stand of the preceding weekend. No head-fuck on the next day either. Just a pure pleasure and that light feeling in the heart... and in my head. So I guess we cannot totally rule rebounds out. They aren't only good or only bad. They aren't black or white only. Just do not do them for pure physical pleasure only when your life and prior experience provide you with strong evidence that you might not be at your best after you perform it. Just listen to your intuition. Most of times, it will tell you what to do.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Rebound
So before I write about my last relationship that (as all the ones preceding it) was followed by a miserable break-up, I will first tell you about my first rebound that happened just a few days after the separation. I guess I am not in the mood to write about the break-up itself yet.
Sometimes I am not sure which of the two is worse - the break-up or the first time you have sex with someone new after you break up. Of course this dilemma is only applicable to serious (hopeless?) monogamists like me. My last long-distance relationship lasted almost a year - we were on the opposite hemispheres, between 14 and 16 hours away (the actual time difference depending on Daylight Summer Time). Always in different seasons of the year and usually I was one day ahead. The longest we had not seen each other was 8 months and guess what... I was totally faithful. I did not even feel seduced to cheat on him. I didn't even kiss anyone. I didn't flirt and I didn't make out. If you know me well enough you know that flirting, kissing and making out are on the top of the list of my favorite activities and I embrace them every time I am single. But not when I am in a serious relationship. So the break-up was quite traumatic and so was the post-relationship sex with a new person. Again - it's hard to say which of the two could be more dreadful.
It all happened because of Internet dating. Of course - blame the Internet. 5 days after the break-up I wanted to have a fast rebound experience to forget about the pain for at least a few hours. It was a Friday night. I went back home and decided to reopen (for the n-th time) my on-line dating account. After a few minutes, it resurrected. I was going to spend 1-2 hours on-line and then go to my friend's place for some drinks followed by a night out in town. One of the reasons of going out on that night was to help me forget the suffering and was suggested by a friend. However, one must take into account that on-line dating is quite addictive. You just don't stop easily once you start. Or at least I don't. I was chatting with several guys at once, trying to hook up having a ray of hope of being invited to one of their places. Mine was not that good for hosting. I also had to be quite practical. It was a rainy night in a big city in the Southern Hemisphere so I did not want to go too far to avoid using public transport or paying exorbitant prices for taxis. My choices were geographically limited. There was that cute Asian guy and he wanted me to come (as in - arrive at his place) but he lived too far. Others who were in my neighborhood did not feel very sexual on that night and they did not seem to be up for any fun.
Suddenly, I bumped into that older (37 or so) guy. He seemed cute on the pictures, his body was nice, he was practically my neighbor and he was available. We quickly exchanged numbers and I said I would be at his place shortly. He lived 15 minutes away from my house. I quickly dressed up and rushed off. I did not even save his number. I had it in the last received calls. I was not sure what his name was. I arrived at the door and I rang him. He opened the door. I was a bit disappointed because he did not seem as good-looking as on the photos. He seemed older and his hair was starting to recede. I entered anyway. It was a nice townhouse in the middle of the city. 'He must be quite rich' I thought to myself 'or at least he inherited it from someone' I continued in my head. The interior design was very nice and fashionable. A lot of white, black and beige. Not too many items used to decorate the place - quite an ascetic house. He did not offer me any water or any drink. He offered me a kiss. We started kissing and heading towards the bedroom right away. His kisses were quite dry. I did not enjoy them too much. The whole game did not last long and I did not like it too much either. We finished and it was awkward. He asked me what I was up to on that night and at that moment I was not sure if it was a gentle request for me to depart or if he was actually inviting me to spend a night at his place. I said 'I have no plans' and he said 'You should stay over here'. And I did. We lay down in his bed and started talking. The conversation was even drier than his kisses. 'Where are you from?', 'What do you do here?', 'What kind of guys do you like?' etc The questions were not very profound. It felt even more weird than right after we finished making love (or let's simply call it 'sex' since there was not much love involved in that act).
At some point he fell asleep. I couldn't. The house was very quiet. It seemed empty. The design was very nice but it was also very heartless. Hardly any colors other than white, beige and black. It felt very cold and heartless even though at the first sight it looked nice, chic and classy. I could hardly sleep that night. It was not easy to get used to a new person in the bed. It was a sleepless night. I looked at the man sleeping next to me and I started thinking about my ex boyfriend. Even a week back he was still my boyfriend and how could I even think I would be sleeping next to some random guy less than 7 days later. It hit me that I was single again. I would have to start dating again at some point. Going through the same process with someone new - slowly getting to know another person, his habits, his little insecurities, the small things he would enjoy. First date, first movie, first sex. It felt sad to be on the single side again.
Later during the night, I noticed a picture of 2 boys at the night stand. I realized that he must have 2 sons and that he must have come out fairly recently. He used to be in a closet most probably. Somewhere there, there was a woman bringing up 2 children while her (ex?) husband and their father was having sex with another man. It could not be long time since he confessed to his wife he was gay (or at least bi) and was interested in meeting men. I was sure he loved his sons but he just could not live the lie anymore. It made the whole experience even more bizarre for me.
Around 8 AM, I said I would leave and go back home. He did not object. I dressed up and went downstairs. We said goodbye, smiled and I left. We both knew we would never see each other or hear from each other again. I started walking back home. I felt like shit. I had the worst headfuck ever. I called a friend and talked to her all the way back home. I almost cried. She comforted me and I started feeling a little bit better. I grabbed a take-away coffee and went back home. I was trying to distract myself with some housework but it did not quite work out. I also received a text message from my friends who were quite disappointed that I ditched them and did not go out with them. I just lied saying I had been tired. I guess I had no courage to confess the truth about the terrible night. I did not even remember the name of the guy. I had to check the history of our chatting to retrieve it.
'Everything happens for a reason' as they say. I believe that once you do a thing you feel you should not have done, there is no point in plunging into deep sorrow or regrets. Shit happens. Better accept it for what it was and acknowledge its presence. The best thing is to learn from that mistake. That experience taught me that sex is hardly good if there is no intellectual/emotional connection (some people might disagree of course but this is the case for me). I can have better sex with a physically unattractive and intellectually seductive person than when he is a hot person but there is no connection at all. In the case of my night, the person was not even hot and we did not speak a lot so I could not even tell anything about him. A lesson for the future - try to at least like/get to know the person before you sleep with him.
Sometimes I am not sure which of the two is worse - the break-up or the first time you have sex with someone new after you break up. Of course this dilemma is only applicable to serious (hopeless?) monogamists like me. My last long-distance relationship lasted almost a year - we were on the opposite hemispheres, between 14 and 16 hours away (the actual time difference depending on Daylight Summer Time). Always in different seasons of the year and usually I was one day ahead. The longest we had not seen each other was 8 months and guess what... I was totally faithful. I did not even feel seduced to cheat on him. I didn't even kiss anyone. I didn't flirt and I didn't make out. If you know me well enough you know that flirting, kissing and making out are on the top of the list of my favorite activities and I embrace them every time I am single. But not when I am in a serious relationship. So the break-up was quite traumatic and so was the post-relationship sex with a new person. Again - it's hard to say which of the two could be more dreadful.
It all happened because of Internet dating. Of course - blame the Internet. 5 days after the break-up I wanted to have a fast rebound experience to forget about the pain for at least a few hours. It was a Friday night. I went back home and decided to reopen (for the n-th time) my on-line dating account. After a few minutes, it resurrected. I was going to spend 1-2 hours on-line and then go to my friend's place for some drinks followed by a night out in town. One of the reasons of going out on that night was to help me forget the suffering and was suggested by a friend. However, one must take into account that on-line dating is quite addictive. You just don't stop easily once you start. Or at least I don't. I was chatting with several guys at once, trying to hook up having a ray of hope of being invited to one of their places. Mine was not that good for hosting. I also had to be quite practical. It was a rainy night in a big city in the Southern Hemisphere so I did not want to go too far to avoid using public transport or paying exorbitant prices for taxis. My choices were geographically limited. There was that cute Asian guy and he wanted me to come (as in - arrive at his place) but he lived too far. Others who were in my neighborhood did not feel very sexual on that night and they did not seem to be up for any fun.
Suddenly, I bumped into that older (37 or so) guy. He seemed cute on the pictures, his body was nice, he was practically my neighbor and he was available. We quickly exchanged numbers and I said I would be at his place shortly. He lived 15 minutes away from my house. I quickly dressed up and rushed off. I did not even save his number. I had it in the last received calls. I was not sure what his name was. I arrived at the door and I rang him. He opened the door. I was a bit disappointed because he did not seem as good-looking as on the photos. He seemed older and his hair was starting to recede. I entered anyway. It was a nice townhouse in the middle of the city. 'He must be quite rich' I thought to myself 'or at least he inherited it from someone' I continued in my head. The interior design was very nice and fashionable. A lot of white, black and beige. Not too many items used to decorate the place - quite an ascetic house. He did not offer me any water or any drink. He offered me a kiss. We started kissing and heading towards the bedroom right away. His kisses were quite dry. I did not enjoy them too much. The whole game did not last long and I did not like it too much either. We finished and it was awkward. He asked me what I was up to on that night and at that moment I was not sure if it was a gentle request for me to depart or if he was actually inviting me to spend a night at his place. I said 'I have no plans' and he said 'You should stay over here'. And I did. We lay down in his bed and started talking. The conversation was even drier than his kisses. 'Where are you from?', 'What do you do here?', 'What kind of guys do you like?' etc The questions were not very profound. It felt even more weird than right after we finished making love (or let's simply call it 'sex' since there was not much love involved in that act).
At some point he fell asleep. I couldn't. The house was very quiet. It seemed empty. The design was very nice but it was also very heartless. Hardly any colors other than white, beige and black. It felt very cold and heartless even though at the first sight it looked nice, chic and classy. I could hardly sleep that night. It was not easy to get used to a new person in the bed. It was a sleepless night. I looked at the man sleeping next to me and I started thinking about my ex boyfriend. Even a week back he was still my boyfriend and how could I even think I would be sleeping next to some random guy less than 7 days later. It hit me that I was single again. I would have to start dating again at some point. Going through the same process with someone new - slowly getting to know another person, his habits, his little insecurities, the small things he would enjoy. First date, first movie, first sex. It felt sad to be on the single side again.
Later during the night, I noticed a picture of 2 boys at the night stand. I realized that he must have 2 sons and that he must have come out fairly recently. He used to be in a closet most probably. Somewhere there, there was a woman bringing up 2 children while her (ex?) husband and their father was having sex with another man. It could not be long time since he confessed to his wife he was gay (or at least bi) and was interested in meeting men. I was sure he loved his sons but he just could not live the lie anymore. It made the whole experience even more bizarre for me.
Around 8 AM, I said I would leave and go back home. He did not object. I dressed up and went downstairs. We said goodbye, smiled and I left. We both knew we would never see each other or hear from each other again. I started walking back home. I felt like shit. I had the worst headfuck ever. I called a friend and talked to her all the way back home. I almost cried. She comforted me and I started feeling a little bit better. I grabbed a take-away coffee and went back home. I was trying to distract myself with some housework but it did not quite work out. I also received a text message from my friends who were quite disappointed that I ditched them and did not go out with them. I just lied saying I had been tired. I guess I had no courage to confess the truth about the terrible night. I did not even remember the name of the guy. I had to check the history of our chatting to retrieve it.
'Everything happens for a reason' as they say. I believe that once you do a thing you feel you should not have done, there is no point in plunging into deep sorrow or regrets. Shit happens. Better accept it for what it was and acknowledge its presence. The best thing is to learn from that mistake. That experience taught me that sex is hardly good if there is no intellectual/emotional connection (some people might disagree of course but this is the case for me). I can have better sex with a physically unattractive and intellectually seductive person than when he is a hot person but there is no connection at all. In the case of my night, the person was not even hot and we did not speak a lot so I could not even tell anything about him. A lesson for the future - try to at least like/get to know the person before you sleep with him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)