recovery process

written less than 2 weeks ago:

‘ I'm still very positive about how it all can go in the future. For now, nothing seems to be clear but I feel it will be ok.
And definetely, it's gonna be great in the very near future since he's coming here next weekend! We're gonna have a wonderful time ‘

Haha. How stupid I was! ' I feel it will be ok '
I guess I should stop feeling because it's definetely not something that I'm good at. I should focus on other things but not feeling anything because it's not my strong side.

Ok, stop being sarcastic about yourself!
How is the recovery process going.

I think some people are extremely depressed when they break down. They cannot see their lives going on. They want to die. They are irreversibly changed. I'm not this kind of person. I do believe that my life can go on without him. I have a lot of other things to accomplish. I'm not dying of depression. That's quite good of course.
But it's not easy either. I live my life because I want to have good job, help others, have my friends, family and of course HIM - the one person. Now, that he broke up with me, my life was deprived of one reason. I have less reasons to live (enough to stay - don't worry).

During last 3 days, I've almost done no work at all. I've spent it talking to people, chatting, confessing and trying to get rid of my frustrations. It was helping for a while but moments of sadness come back quickly. Then they disappear and are back again. How long will it be? However, I'm extremely grateful to a lot of people around me who support me in this fucking drama of mine. At least, I know I have friends! Thank you guys!

Recently, I've started wondering why during my previous relationship it was easier to recover. Certainly, it was me who broke up so it was my decision and I had some sense of control over this. A few days ago I was just forced to face the situation of him leaving me. That's one difference.
But not only is this the thing that makes it something else now. My two previous relationships finished in a very nasty way. Accusations, trying to make each other guilty, threatening, wishing death and all that crap. After hearing such things you start wondering: 'Why the hell I was with him? What did I see in him?' Such drama break up actually helps a lot to heal the wounds. Last Monday, he did everything (besides the fact the he broke up) not to make me feel bad. Trying to avoid hurting me. Offering friendship. How in such situation can I hate him? It's not easy to hate him and thus stop loving him.
Should I then call him or write a nasty email saying how much I hate him? Writing him how he has destroyed my life, wishing him death? Threatening?
That would be quite convenient way of dealing with stuff. He would probably react in the same way which would show his dark side and thus I would realize that it's good that we broke up. I would probably say 'oh my God! Why did I waste 1,5 months with such a shallow person?'
Well, I probably won't do it. It's not my way of finishing things. I just cannot be that bad (unless someone attacks me first). As I said I took him to the most beautiful place after he broke up. So I possibly will not release all the toxic feelings burning me from inside. That's surely not going to support recovery process. Actually, I don't know why I'm not going to do that. But I'm not!

Today during my language course, at my presentation concerning work I do in this country at my NGO, my teacher said that the stuff I do is very noble and she admires me. Moreover, as I said I'm not going to finish my relation with him in a toxic way.
That makes me think - if I'm such a good [and stupid] boy (why does being good and stupid so often goes together????) why does the faith punish me like this? What have I done wrong? Maybe, I'm not a good boy as I think? Maybe, I deserved that?

It would be nice to write something nice at the end, something that conveys ray of light for the future. I won't do it - it's not time for this.

Here you have one of my favourite songs. One that I always listen to when I'm in bad mood. Or let's call things as they really are - when I'm depressed.
'Désenchantée' by Mylene Farmer (fr. désenchantée=disappointed)