single again

So my new relationship is over again. We broke up because we couldn’t find a common vision of the relationship. We just saw it in a different way.
But I’ll try from the beginning. It’s gonna be messy for sure.

On Wednesday I went to see him in his city (around 30 min by train from my place). We were supposed to have a coffee and then I was to come back home. But he decided to go with me and spent a night at my place. I was happy to hear that. We had nice time together, cool conversation, fabulous sex (believe me!) and we could fall asleep together and wake up together. It was just great. Then we met again on Friday. He came and spent night again. On Saturday we started the conversation about the future (the one that I was afraid of). I said that I was looking for a long term relationship and I would fight for our relationship if I only saw that it was really worth doing that (I mainly mean the fact that I will live in 6 months). He said the same. That was what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to say or him to say that he would fight for us. It’s too early for that. But I had to hear that he would be ready for fighting for something that he felt had potential for the future. I heard that and I decided not to speak about future until we had to make concrete decisions. Everything that I wanted to hear was said.

Then we started talking about gayness here. He first said that he would never tell his parents about himself. Then he said he would never marry a guy – he didn’t believe in such things. Marriage is for a man and a woman. That surprised me negatively but I didn’t say anything. Then he killed me – he said that one day he would want to have a wife and a baby. I was more than speechless. Later, I just figured out that he had different perception of relationship. He doesn’t want to spend life with one person. After marrying a woman he wants his gay partner to become his friend. He actually treats gay relationship as friendship. After some discussion with some of my gay friends I realized that it something quite common here. Maybe not common but happens often. Gays don’t want to be in a relationship with other gays for life. It’s not even about fear about what others say. It’s deep in their mentality. I guess monogamy in this culture doesn’t exist to the extent as e.g. in Europe.

Later I was thinking what to do. I wanted to break up. But I felt he didn’t want that. And I was too weak to say bye. So I said to myself and then to him: “no thinking of future”. Let it just be as it is. Come what may. Maybe we’ll be together now. And after I leave? Who cares! I thought I agreed for that with myself. But no. It’s not me. It’s what I want, who I am. This time no “come what may”. This time I need to have at least a bit of vision of the future. Of the fact that I want to have a relationship in the future. With one person – and that I don’t assume right now that I will have more than one person.

So today, I went through all my thoughts. I called him. We had a conversation. He was saying some promising things. That he doesn’t know the future, that he doesn’t say he wants wife for sure etc But he didn’t say that he wants one person for life. That he will be trying to have such a relationship. That’s what I wanted to hear. And this time I didn’t hear what I wanted to. So, I broke up. Actually it was a conclusion of both of us. And now we’re friends.

So I need to take my time to heal my wounds. Let’s be serious – last time it took less than two weeks so this time it will be less I guess.

We will see what is going to happen now. Another relationship or being single? Who the fuck knows that? No expectations. Come what may.