The same goes with our boyfriends or girlfriends. Once we realized that s/he was not the one, once we dumped him/her and got over the unsuccessful relationship, we often tend to fall for another person - who is actually the same person but just in a different 'outfit'.
In some sort of a mysterious way, we tend bump into the same kind of people. We meet them up, we play the same game, and we fall for them. It is often that we do not see how alike the person is to their predecessors. We believe we date different people but in fact we keep dating the same person(ality) who just happens to be in another body.
So a lot of has its own patterns. Guys who treat us like shit. Materialistic chicks who tend to go for guy's wealth and car. People who use us and seem to be close but in fact they just play their games. Girls who desperately need love and affection. There are thousands if not millions of patterns for both men and women. Many of us are just a simple example of a pattern.
Two of my flat mates confessed me recently that they could be only attracted to 'bad boys' - guys with difficult personalities, who play their games as long and often as possible in order to have fun. When the girls would lose interest after being perpetually rejected they guys would suddenly come back with his rarely shown attention and willingness to express affection. On the other side of the circle there are guys who are good. Too good for many girls. Last week, I went out with a friend of mine (K.). We went to an Irish pub where we bumped into their friend - a guy (L.) to whom I was introduced.
L. seemed a bit distant and cold to all the girls around so K. decided to ask him:
-'What is wrong with you? You are always a nice and a decent guy? Are you angry today?'
-'I am not a good boy anymore'
-'Why?' she demanded with a very surprised face.
-'Because girls do not like good boys. The want bad guys' I answered as if I was an oracle of relationships.
-'Exactly! Your new friend is very smart' said L. about me being surprised how fast I discovered his true intentions.
-'This is not truth' K. was trying to defend her theory 'You are always surrounded by plenties of girls!'
-'This is the truth' I added as if I had all the knowledge of the world in my exclusive possession 'because girls like to be friends and confidents with good boys - however, there is never anything happening between them.'
L. was still astonished by how easily I read him and his actions but he confirmed that it was all right. (After watching all the episodes of SATC no way can I be wrong...)
I am not an exception. I have witnessed so common patterns most of my ex (and James as well!) share. This was not a safe thing to discover.
If you look at the guy I met once upon a time when I first went to European/Asian country and fell in love with him or at my ex from North Africa to whom I said yes after a few weeks (days?) of dating, you will see how alike those relations were. They were both guys who seemed straight - not only visually but also they had a lot straight-guys' behaviors (i.e. watching football). They did not have too many gay experiences, they were open about their gayness but only to few people. Each of them was pretty much kind, nice and good. Never toxic, jealous or angry. The type you usually do not argue with. Unfortunately, they also had more negative features. Although they were times when they were clearly into me, generally they were not relationship guys. They would never think of the future and they treated relationship as a mean to have some fun and entertainment. I was, on the other hand, more committed and more serious while they were reluctant to speak about next months and places or simply they would not have this concept in their heads.
And then the most scary question - does James fit to described pattern...?
Yes and no. He also looks and behaves straight. He is also very kind and gentle. On the contrary, sometimes he can be angry and annoying. He is not normally jealous as he trusts me. But I know it would not be a good idea to cheat on him as this would cause a lot of troubles to our relationship. Luckily for me, he is willing to talk about the future and in fact the clear plans for the next months are already established and right now, it is the implementation phase that is taking place. He is caring and I know he is into this relationship. But... as there is many similarities between him and the others especially with regard to positive aspects I am afraid there will be more similarities in the negative ones. Yes, I am afraid that despite what I know he feels for me I am more into this relationship than he is. I am afraid that one day he will dump me because he will realize I am an obstacle in his plans to travel and live around the world. He will just say 'it's not you, it's me - I just feel like spending more time with myself and traveling wherever I want'. We spoke about all that last night and he assured me I had nothing to worry about.
Maybe he is right and I am simply exaggerating, or maybe I just have a very good sixth sense and I keep denying the obvious signals from the surroundings (that was already a case several times with my exes) - will I know that? Maybe later I will. I do not know that now for sure. And I should not focus on that too much. All in all, being objective, this is the sanest and the best relationship I have ever had. It is just my nature to think too much and question things. I do not think I will change it easily in myself. I just need to accept myself the way I am and the way I deal with certain things. I might be always coming up with this kind of stuff - questions, doubts and insecurities. I guess you can always find something what makes you uncertain (or what you make look dangerous while in fact it is not).
And I will assure and do all my best in order to break the fatal pattern.
This time it will be different.
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