I have not written here for a while so I owe you some updates.
In March, when I came back from the city on the border of Asia and Europe where he lives, everything seemed bright. We prepared a list of potential countries where we would consider moving to. Despite some little clashes between us usually caused by being tired nothing was worrying. We decided that I would be the first to start looking for jobs abroad and he would follow me as soon as I found something. That seemed more logical as it would be easier to find a job for him with his qualifications, flexibility and plenty of opportunities.
But it was very difficult. I was sending hundreds of applications and no success was coming back to me. It was very frustrating and our skype conversation would be influenced by my bad mood more and more. In the meantime, I had further confusions regarding my professional life and its direction. Plus I was stressed by my studies. I was not an easy person to deal with.
By the end of April, we were supposed to give an answer to an offer we got from James' ex-boss. He wanted us both to go back to Northern Africa and teach English there. That offer was perfect for me. I would get great, initial experience in teaching, earn good money and live with James in a country that I enjoy so much. But he was not ready to go back. He wanted either to stay where he lives now or go some place else. Back then it was still four months to the day we would live together so I accepted his choice. He did not want to give up the search when it was still so much time. I was however disappointed. Due to the fact the he did not feel like going back to Northern Africa because of some personal reasons and animosities towards some aspects of that country and its people our relationship and our future were uncertain. And for me the worst was that I had to keep on searching and getting frustrated. Even though it hurt me a bit that he did not want to compromise I decided that it was going to be me who would compromise. So I carried on searching but I still kept being annoyed.
In the middle of the May, I went to see him again. The few days before going there were full of doubts and uncertainty. Just the night before leaving I found myself dancing with my friends in my favorite Thursday night spot 'Kingston' and thinking of going back to Northern Africa myself. The idea of living there again filled me with so much happiness and joy that I wondered why I put myself into that annoying process of finding a common country and investing in the relationship that had recently become so difficult.
Full of the thoughts I went to see James. Two nights after dancing in Kingston I was standing with James on the rooftop of a posh restaurant somewhere on the hills of the city on the border between Europe and Asia. It was a warm night. The view was magnificent - the lights of the city on the European and Asian sides, the ships on the river and strait separating the big metropolis. I was leaning against the balustrade and admiring the picturesque view but my mind was exploding of thoughts. James came over next to me. I just said 'I am afraid it is not going to work out'. He replied 'don't give up yet, babe'. The next days were as usual amazing. Meeting up with friends, partying, sleeping together, traveling in the country. However, there were more fights and arguments. I blamed them on the difficult period for both of us and the uncertainty. The last day of our visit was great. No stress or worries. Just laying on the hills of the city and admiring the views while relaxing and enjoying the sun. He said 'despite all the stresses and worries I prefer to have you with all of them than live peacefully without them and without you'.
I left for home. I arrived and went to work the next day. I filled some applications. I also got the news from my company. They decided not to prolong my contract meaning I would not stay in Europe anymore. I felt relieved and scared. Scared because of uncertainty and relieved because I would not have to take the decision 'yes, I'm staying here'/'no, I'm leaving' in case they wanted to keep me. I called James and broke him the news. Before I had said that he noticed that I did not sound sad anymore. But when I told him the news he seemed to have got scared. As I was planning to go for a couple of days to the Northern Africa (a nostalgic return journey after a year) he suggested checking whether I could still take the job his ex-boss had offered us. But he only meant me coming back there and not himself. It disturbed me. I told him to think of that for a couple of days and let me know by the time I was there so that I could ask his ex-boss. The next day he told me he would not want to go back there.
I respected his decision and made my own - I would move to live with him in the city on the border of Europe and Asia. I called him on the day of leaving for my trip to Northern Africa and said that to him. I started crying from emotions 'babe, it is happening. After one year of planning we finally agreed on the country. I am moving to you and we will finally live together'! I was so happy. I thought he was happy too. I hanged up and got back to work being still excited about all the changes in my life. I announced the news to everyone. I had some fears and doubts but I wanted to try and see how it all would work out.
That evening I went to Southern Europe to spend some time with a friend of mine who lives there and the day after I flew to Northern Africa. I had no news from him during the whole day so I called him in the evening. His voice calmed me. But just for a few hours since there was no further news from him until the end of the day and on the next day. Just a small text message at night 'are you back home?'. I was surprised but luckily I was pretty drunk with my friends so I ignored it and replied something sweet and lovely. On the next day, I woke up with a hangover and started analyzing thoughts and messages. I kept changing the SIM cards to make sure he had not sent me any texts. There was nothing. A friend of mine who went to Northern Africa with me and I decided to do some sightseeing of the city. We ended up in the fortress where I was living during my last four months in the country. It was there that James was my neighbor and it was there that our relationship started. I was in the place full of great memories but I was very anxious. I kept looking at the mobile and switching the cards. No news. I decided to call. James answered but sounded very weird. He was very quiet and it seemed he did not want to tell me something. I pushed him and then the words of confusions and frustration flooded me. 'It is not going to work out. We have communication problems. We don't understand each other. We are on different pages in our lives...' And many more - each of them felt like a stab in my heart. After he was done I just summarized everything and added 'come on, say it, break up with me if you really believe in all what you said'. He did not say anything and I hanged up. I was speechless. I was with a friend of mine and I told her about everything. At that point I just could not believe in what had just happened. Luckily, all of my friends were very supportive. It did spoil my holidays but at least I did not have to deal with that at home in Europe where I would probably have to suffer myself in my room, in my bed.
I called him two days later and just to confirm his final decision. I sent him two emails - one very full of love and emotion, the second one full of hate and despise. I removed his contacts from Facebook or Skype just to re-add them the next day. He was understanding about all the that but he did not change his mind.
It is over. It was almost a year. And now I am single. But I still have hope.
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