I won't go with the flow

Sorry for not updating you for a while (too long while!).

So as I said in the previous post, I managed to reactivate my relationship. After the weekend conference 2 weeks ago I went to A.'s city to meet him. Instead of promised shoes I got a nice shirt and spent great time with him. Then after a short discussion and making sure that he didn't want to have a baby and a wife (without changing his opinion - he had already convinced himself about that) we got back together. Afterwards, I came back home with a weird feeling that not much changed in my life... I ignored that feeling.

He came over my place the following Wednesday around 8 PM. It was weird although we didn't mention any difficult topic. We actually didn't speak a lot. We were both not in the mood and both tired. We had sex and then we both fell asleep together...

I was in a very weird (bad) mood the day after... Then I traveled to Europe for a weekend and didn't think about anything a lot. I enjoyed my time. I sent him one message and bought him nice underwear. Last Tuesday he called me on my way home from the airport. We had a weird conversation. He had bad days at work and was not in a mood at all. He wasn't willing to travel with me the following weekend or to see each other. I didn't insist because I knew it wouldn't help. I was not in the mood again - straight away after great weekend in Europe. I was not in mood to call him or meet him. Then last Saturday, I called him to find out what he was up to (a call after 4 days of silence). He told me he had had a small car accident and he would have to pay some money for the car reparation and except that everything was fine. Maybe, I should have been more sympathetic but I got pissed off. He even didn't tell me about the accident. He didn't ask me (even before the accident) about me and my interviews of which he had known. grrrr... He doesn't care about us at all. As if I was his friend whom he contacts once a week or something. I talked to him today on the MSN I further got pissed off. He didn't want to speak about his problems (hmm.. his choice - I can accept that), then he started our stupid jokes which didn't make me laugh that time. Then I asked about possibility of seeing each other soon. Exactly as I expected I heard "I don't know" and later "it's for sure impossible this week". I know that he has problems but I see no will of trying to contribute to this relationship. If I were him I would at least try to say I want to see each other but I can't. He doesn't seem interested... Then I told him what I feel. I wrote "I just have the feeling that I don't have a big importance in your life. I know that you have problems but I would like you to share it with me". His answer was "please, stop". I was so pissed off that I didn't say anything but just calmly finished his conversation.

What the fuck am I doing in this relationship? Don't misunderstand me! I am not depressed but just extremely angry that I was so stupid to get involved in that for the second time. I feel trapped. This relationship doesn't lead me to anywhere. We're just friends who fuck whenever we meet. When he told me about the baby and wife and I asked how he imagined the relation with his ex (after abandoning his gay partner for his wife) he just told me that he would rather see it as a strong male friendship. Fuck! Can you imagine dumping your life partner and then going to strong male friendship with him (and probably still having sex!!!)? In this case being friends after a relationship is only disgusting for me. I hope I'll have enough strength to break up as soon as we talk next time.

Again, all these baby/wife stuff and strong male friendship just freaks me out! I think I can't just live in the shade of what he had said a few months ago... Normally, you are afraid of many things in a gay relationship. In this case I am afraid of one additional thing - conversion to being hetero. That's just too much. And I think I just can't follow my friends' pieces of adivice to go with the flow and live the day. It's like being in a half serious relationship. I don't need to know the future. I need to know that he cares about the future.

Again - fed up with relationships...