randomness

Randomness is a subjective thing. It can't be simply put on a certain shelve with a certain label - good or bad, positive or negative, useful or annoying. It all depends on the context, on the background, on the situation.

After a few stressful days I experienced randomness. It was last Saturday. It was fucking fabulous. Enlightening and relaxing night. Saturday's night fever!

Throughout the day I was rather bored and not in the good mood at all. Just one of those days when you're pretty much pessimistic about everything in your life, when you look on its dark sides, when everything that should be definitely small seems way too big. However still being able to escape falling into depression and turning the negative tide I called my old friend whom I didn't see for a long while. It was him with whom parties were always more than great. He was actually one corner of the triangle. But as some months had passed since summer no more feelings were involved so it didn't matter.

At some point we took his car and along with his friend (With whom I had some dirty/nasty flirt) drove downtown. I felt like one of the 16 years old teenagers who had this one night of freedom and didn't know how to behave. We were screaming from the car to the people on the streets, driving fast and rapidly stopping the car until tires were literally almost wiped off. At some point, we stopped and started yelling to girls in Arabic - "hey pussies, come here, come!". I couldn't stop laughing. Then we saw a hooker and asked her how much she was. She said 20euro. We drove off and seconds later were stopped by the police. The policeman asked us... how much she told us and hearing her price he wondered "is she really so cheap?" He wished us good night and let us go.

Please, don't be judgmental. I just needed some randomness and careless fun even it was more than stupid. Come on! I am a guy and guys sometimes have to behave childish!

Later on, when we were back in the apartment of the other guy we continued our conversation and game (my triangle friend was gone so there were only two of us). The funniest thing was that his English was as bad as his native language brokenly performed by me. But I guess we had other kind of connection. Yes, it was proved in his bed minutes later. The fuck was good. His ass was awesome. And... !! Whenever he felt good and high (all the time?) he kept making those noises showing the extreme pleasure he felt. I loved that! I hate silent sex so that night was perfect. It occurred to me that my ex (A.) with whom I had sex the night before was not that good as I had thought. The sex was much more quite (damn!). Why didn't I see it before? Maybe because I didn't want to. It's not the first time that I glorify sex that does not necessarily belong to the best ones I've ever had. Probably my assessment is deformed by feelings. Feelings definitely make your sex indicator work much worse. They just emit some invisible waves that make the sex-assessment-device malfunction. As soon as they are gone you regain the ability to assess if it was good or bad. Anyway, minutes after our first orgasm we were talking about... him joining my organization. Can you imagine something more hilarious? Speaking about his professional development straight after sex? Is there something more random? I enjoyed the night though (and part two in the morning too)!

May this kind of randomness happens from time to time!

it's complicated

That's my status on Facebook. It's purely complicated. Clearly complicated. I like having things defined. God bless the one who made up this FB status! Otherwise I would know that it is complicated but I wouldn't have an official term for that.

Why is it complicated? It's always been like this. However, now it's even more...

I met A. (my ex) last Saturday. Great time spent in a shopping centre, great time having a lunch, great time talking and having amazing connection. And in the end... great sex and the night spent together. Hmmm... the last things shouldn't have happened. But they did! God, it was great to be in his arms and to have him in my arms. I missed it so much. But again, there were too many confusions! "I shouldn't be doing this", "we're supposed to be friends and sex+friendship will never work out". In the mean time he also told me: "I want to tell you something... or maybe not, sorry". I insisted. He said: "Ok, I think we're more than friends". I replied: "oh yeah definitely. Is it so surprising to you? Have you just discovered something new? It's so fucking obvious". The friends thing is something that I was trying to tell to myself but which was obviously false. So apparently, I don't have proof that friendship with ex can work. We're something between friendship and relationship. Not friends, not a couple. "It's complicated" perfectly suits this.

He also admitted that having a wife is not a great idea and a relationship with a women in general isn't either. God, I wanted to hear that a month ago. Now, I should be happy. Why aren't I? I don't know. I cannot trust him somehow. After what he told me... It's not the same. Being so close was great. But somehow much more different than before. Because of less trust I suppose.

So now, we're in this "transitional stage". We are still planning to see each other from time to time. Normally, we should take a break but I just can't do that. It would be too weird and I would miss him, his calls, emails and so on. I think I'm too weak but actually I don't care. Come what may! At least today I can say "come what may". Tomorrow I will again be confused or something. And by the way, I promised my ex not to have random sex with others. I don't know if I promised him this because I planned not having it with others before or because I want to be faithful to him. Anyone knows the answer?

To make it more complicated "it's complicated" with two guys. There is still Mr Charm whom I will almost for sure see in Europe soon. And I don't know which one I should choose, or maybe I will rephrase it - which one I should reject? I'm so thrilled and excited about this meeting. And confused because whenever I speak with one of them I'm more into him and less into the other one. And since I speak with both of them all the time I'm like a wave, like a wind vane!

Come what may today and we'll see what I will feel tomorrow!

monogamy and other stories

Ok I admit. I'm the fucking romantic who wants to find the one and live happily ever after. By the way, that was quite a surprise to realize it - after I finished my 4,5 year relationship (started back in my home country and ended here) I felt like I finally could breathe having finished that period of my life. I was so free. And now? I'm almost 24 and I want the next relationship to be the last one. I don't want to live in all the countries of the world anymore. I want to fucking settle down. Yeah, maybe I've seen too many Hollywood movies like "Titanic" or other crap. But I really believe so. I have figured out that one night stand may be cool and hot but it is something that turns you on only at the very moment - only when it's happening. Later, there is nothing special. And I'm just looking for the one with whom I will have the greatest fuck ever and later I will just grab him and fall asleep next to him. In the morning, we'll wake up, have a breakfast together and talk having this amazing connection.

Apparently, there are two guys who could be THE ONES. Yeah, congratulations for me for being so fucked up. The first one is A. - my ex. The second one is Mr Charm that I met on the street - he abducted me there taking to his car and making me experience the most incredible 45-minute romance ever. It's been continued since that day. And it's been going so great. At the same time I still meet A. from time to time and spend fabulous time with him. Again, at the same time I happened to have a few one night stands (but these ones are definitely suspended until I call it off!). Pretty fucked up, isn't it?

So being stuck in all these craziness I've started thinking about monogamy. Is it good that I suspended one night stands or bad? Or it's not the question of bad or good. I should rather ask myself - is it necessary? After all, I broke up with A. and I barely know Mr Charm. Why should I be faithful to any of them? So why haven't I yet told A. about amazing meeting with Mr Charm? A. is my ex so with no hesitations I should tell him I met someone else. I told him about one night stand(s) because I know they don't mean anything. But I haven't told him about Mr Charm. And vice versa. Mr Charm doesn't know either that I enjoy spending time with A. or that I had one night stand(s). In both cases I guess I feel I'm cheating on one of them. But come on! I'm single so technically I can have sex without feeling guilty. "technically" - probably this rule doesn't apply to my reality. Why do I feel I'm cheating on them? Should I tell e.g. Mr Charm that I want monogamy?? This is so fucking crazy. We barely know each other.

Shouldn't I just have some fun and enjoy the day? A small carpe diem? Hmmm... I guess this doesn't seem to match me and my personality. I'm always the one who wants to have everything planned, who wants to have answer for each question. The environment, my friends condemned me for this approach. They encouraged me to "come what may!", to live the day and not to think too much, not to reflect and just enjoy. But, if not that annoying questions about the unknown future I would not have learnt that A. was pretty fucked up - wanting to have a wife and a baby one day. Fucked up at least in my eyes. My intuition worked and thanks to it I finished the relationship when it was still pretty fresh and easy to be ended (if only relationships can ever be easy to end...).

So how should I deal with Mr Charm? High chances that I will see him soon when I go back to Europe for a couple of days. I mean it's so crazy. I met him on the street. Although I claim to be romantic I don't believe in love at the first sight (correction - I didn't believe?). We spoke for 45 minutes. The connection was amazing. But I guess everything was so artificial. Our charm was so much on as it is never in one's life. The atmosphere was just incredible. Life is not that incredible everyday. That was just a fake moment. You can't live your life with someone being charmant all the time. Life is sometimes about who should do the dishes or wash the dirty socks! How shall we behave next time? I was so happy to hear that we would see next time that I even didn't take into consideration one thing. What will happen if we don't like each other the next we'll meet? We have a great phone conversations. He texts me writing "I miss you" or "big kiss to my romance". Certainly the connection that started in his car is still in the air even if it goes through Internet cables (or even wirelessly :) Will it remain until the next meeting? What should I do? Come what may? or plan everything and think of the future? In one of the SATC episode Carrie said: "My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course he died with no money and being single". So should I think of the future? But how come I can think of it if the relationship of me and Mr Charm is only 2-week long. "relationship". Come what may or thinking, planning and reflecting? I've been asking myself this question and everyday answer seems not to want to come. Can I somehow mix come what may with planning? Maybe that would be the solution...

double trouble

I'm pretty good at my NY's resolutions. I've had no random sex yet (and planning not to have it).

But life is full of other confusions anyway.

Today I was sitting in my office and working when I got a call from my ex. He told me he was in the city so why not seeing each other. I really enjoy spending time with him so I said yes. 15 minutes later he was in the shopping center in front of my office. We did some shopping, had a car ride. It was really nice. I was trying to resist from kissing and touching him. I managed although it was not easy... Some feelings reappeared...

At the time when I was leaving my office I got an msn message from Europe. It was him - Mr Charm, the guy met on the street of one capital city of the southern European country. I even didn't read it and ran to meet my ex. When I came back I had a really nice conversation with him. He said he seemed lonely with no life partner and apparently no true friends... I was trying to cheer him up. I wished to be there with him at that moment. And now watching SATC with my flat mate (season 3 episode 14 - sex and another city) he texted me writing "Miss you".

Today, when updating my flat mate about my day I said that I had met A. (my ex) and we had gone shopping, had nice conversation and spent fabulous time. Then I added that I had been chatting with Mr Charm and it had been great too. And I concluded "my both relationships are going fine!". Is it funny or pathetic? I was kidding of course. I'm single but somehow involved in these two relations. I have certain feelings for the both guys. The more time I spend with one of them, the less I think about the other one... It's complicated - that should be my new Facebook relationship status. How come I feel something for both of them? Should I suspend these relations or one of them? If yes, which one? I know I'm crazy but I will just continue both of them. I'm not that successful to be involved in both of them - one will probably fade away eventually so at least I will be left with the second one (but I hope that relation and contact will not be lost). It's so bizarre.

I guess I should let things go their way. With no expectations! Come what may!

sex, feelings, confusions

So last Saturday I came back home after my holidays (the holidays when I had this interesting discussions with straight guys or when I met the guy in the car on the street).

I came back at 7 pm and at 10 pm I had a cute 19-year-old guy in my room (I’m 23). We ate, had some conversation and then watched a movie. There was no sexual tension between us although the atmosphere was favorable – darkness, late hour, we half sitting half lying on the bed very close to each other watching movie. But I wanted things to happen so I somehow managed us to start… you know what. It was a cool night. Until the morning we did it 3 times. It was also really nice to sleep with him. He was so sweet and our bodies truly “fit” each other. We slept really close. Although the guy was really smart there was no connection.

The next day I was invited for a drink by the Indian friend (my fuck friend apparently). We had a nice, chilling conversation and sex later.

I must admit that the amount of sex in my life is too big I guess. It doesn’t make me feel better and rather confuses me. And I sincerely admit that sex without love is sometimes worse when genuine feelings are included. Me and my boyfriend (the one I was 4 years with) used to have great sex.

And the next day I met my ex – A. It was a set meeting and was really nice although our meeting had stages. The first stage was walking in the centre and talking. Then we went to my apartment, cooked, ate and still talked. Then we went to my room to watch movie. Of course we laid really close to each other and so we remained. We were hugging and holding our hands. We both really missed that. It was so great to be in his arms again. And I know he had the same feelings. Then we started sex which was of course bad step but it was really hard to stop. Not only because of sexual desire but because of the fact that we were in a relationship. We went far but not too far. I was really confused. I was silent most of time which was driving his crazy. He said I was awful when I didn’t speak. I guess he was afraid of that. Then we left home and went to the centre. We had a coffee and a lot of conversation. About what happened between us, about these cultural differences. I won’t give you details because somehow sometimes I couldn’t understand him or even express my feelings. It’s not about language difference. Sometimes, we just don’t understand each other or ourselves! The conclusions were important though. He somehow withdrew his opinions about having a baby and a wife (he didn’t say but I saw his perception changed). He was more positively talking about gay marriage or coming out to his family (although he didn’t say anything directly). We started speaking about getting together (not directly – the discussion took place between the lines). But I still had too many doubts and questions. As he said – if we’re meant to be together we will be. I’m definitely staying in touch with him and seeing him from time to time (often enough!). I don’t say “no” for getting back together. He’s still amazing, great, smart and I love being with him. The cultural differences are still a barrier – we’ll see if this will change.

To make it more confused, I’m still thinking of the guy met on the street in one of the European capitals. It seems to me to be love at the first sight. He’s not replying or calling but I guess only because he’s abroad right now and I bet he has no credits on his mobile. Yesterday in the morning, I thought of checking my msn mailbox (he has my msn so maybe he wrote me an email there) and I indeed found an email from him. He only wrote “ru there” [on msn]. I replied but no response until now. The whole story is so unbelievable. It’s so movie. Although my feelings and predictions usually don’t come true I have some inner thought that I should carry on with this relation and develop it. We’ll see if the environment will support that.

I will simplify it a bit but technically right now, I have feelings for two guys. Am I really fucked up? I probably even don’t have choice. Both relationships would be difficult. That’s why I want to settle down and stop traveling and working in different countries. That doesn’t support meeting the love of your life. You may say I’m a slut but I’m a real romantic person looking for The One! Where are you?