whatever you want to get

If you read my blog and get to know my thoughts or problems, you have the full right to think that I may be complicated or fucked up. But at least I think that I am not stupid / childish / pathetic when it comes to relationships with people that I potentially want to attain. Unlike some other people that I have recently met.

Last night, there was a party at my place. It involved my house mates and our neighbors (international people living and working here as us). Among others there was one girl (C.) and two other guys (G. and R.). Both were interested in her. C. wasn't into any of them but to be honest she wouldn't give them any clear sign to let her go. So the guys were trying to hit on her. In the most childish, stupid and pathetic way ever. One of them (R.) was saying that he found her very attractive and then asking her if she thought the same about him (actually I had to translate that from a mix of French and his native language into English so that she could understand everything). Then R. said he was ready to go and live in her country, just for her. I found it funny because I thought he was kidding. But later I realized he wasn't. Later, he asked her to teach him how to play Solitaire. At some point R. left her and a few minutes later the other guy (G.) joined her. They started talking and quickly his hand was around her back. In the meantime, another guy started playing violin and R. came back. He was pissed off that the girl was busy with G. He started screaming on them in his native language (not understood by any of them) to stop being so much into each other and focus on the music of violin which in fact was very beautiful. He was very offensive. They wouldn't even notice him so at some point he stopped. When she was later left by the G., R. started offering her reciting a poem on the roof under the light of the moon. I had to translate that as well. Soon, R. gave up and left the party. The girl was only left with G. At some point, I saw them sitting together with others on the chairs on the roof. At some point she wanted to go the toilet but he wouldn't let her. The conversation was like this:
C. (standing up): I will be right back.
G. (stopping her): No, please, stay with me. Where are you going?
C.: To the toillet. I will be right back!
G.: No, don't go! Stay!
C.: I'm just going to the toillet!! I will be right back!!
And then she left.

A few days ago, my other house mate took a few drum classes and apparently, her drum teacher became very much into her. He started sending her messages like this:

"I think of you one time a day, and each thought lasts 24 hours."

"Hello dear L., how are you? Can I see you tonight? I miss you."

"I close my eyes and I imagine a happy world. I close my eyes and I see your face."

"Giving love unconditionally will bring you joy and peace in your heart... God bless and have a nice trip. Take care and good night."

"Dear L., free sms messages tonight."

"Heart receives love, minds receive wisdom, hands receive gifts, and special people receive my texts. God bless."

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel."

"One day friendship and love met. Love asked, why do you exist when I am here? Friendship answered, I am here to leave a smile where you leave tears."

"Dear L., good morning. Did you sleep well last night? I am in class right now."

After analyzing all these stories - are these men really that stupid? Do they think that with these stupid actions they can really get attention of girls. That is so childish, so cheap and so pathetic. Are they really so retarded that they can't realize it? Is it only the fault of too many drinks? How come you can try to get a girl in this way? It's beyond my understanding. I feel so sorry for them.

I guess I want to be who I am with my fucked-up mind and head full of unnecessary thoughts rather than be as stupid and pathetic as them.

what goes around comes around - part two

I made the same stupid mistake again. I just met some random guy online, saw him 3 days in a row and ended up in bed on the third day (don't worry - very safe sex again). He seems to want more than sex (damn it!). He's very sweet and romantic but I'm not that into him. Now, he calls me everyday to see me. It's really annoying although he's a nice guy. In the meantime, I get calls/SMS from others who want to see me too. I might be very assertive in the work environment and tell people what I think during e.g. a work meeting (giving the feedbacks) but when it comes to relations with my one-night-stands it seems much more difficult... I am rarely honest with them. I don't know how to tell them - "I don't want to meet you anymore" or "Let's meet only when I'm horny". ehh I need to work on that.

Again, I think I should slow down and meet less guys or maybe don't give them my number or give the wrong number... or I really don't know what I should do...

I have the clear vision of almost every aspect of my life - my professional life, my friendships, my family, my relationship - in all of the cases I know what I want and I am on the right track to achieve that. But when it comes to my sexual life I really don't know how it should look like... How should I live it? Should have these crazy one night stands with randomly met guys? Should I limit myself to dating the guys only met during a parties, on the streets, near the mosques etc but never online? Should I practice celibacy? Should I delete my account(s) on the gay dating website(s)? I don't want to ask you for the answers because I know I should find them myself... But maybe you know what I should do in order to find the answers? Maybe a personality test or watching some inspirational movie or taking a piece of paper and asking yourself some questions and then answering them?

It would be better to be in a serious relationship so then I would have a perfect excuse for all these guys and then I would ask them to stop calling me.

But for the moment - does anyone have any idea how to draw the vision of my sexual life?

And by the way, did I write in the previous post that I had no head fuck?

the triangle

The triangle is the word for a threesome in my native language (after the literal translation).

As you might have guessed I had one (yes, my plan not to have to many random sex did not really work out - but! the sex was totally safe and I have no head fuck so it's ok).

The other day I was so horny that literally couldn't do anything else. I saw that one of my ex-fucks was available. He totally ignored me after our first fuck about 3 months ago but I decided to send him a message anyway. He replied. After a short exchange of politeness i.e. "how are you?, I'm good. and you?" I wrote him: "Listen! I'm very horny and I really want a good fuck now. Are you available right now?" He replied: "Listen! I'm with my 2 friends. We all want to do it with you. We can pick you up in 15 minutes." Then I only assured him that I wanted safe sex and after a while he called asking me to go out of the house to see them.

On the way from my house to their car, I met my friends-neighbors with whom I often party or go out. It was after midnight so they must have been really surprised to see me leaving at that hour. I was so nervous and acted in a very bizarre way. They must have seen it. I just told them I was going to meet a friend and then left immediately.

I met the guy a few minutes later. They picked me up and we went to his place. I drank a bit and then we went to the bedroom. One of the guys (it's a pity because he was very cute) was too drunk to do anything so we only had a threesome instead of a foursome. It was good (not bad but not super great either) - I confirmed with myself that I prefer just 2 people (including me) in the bed. It's mostly about compatibility of sexual pleasures. The more people involved the harder is to match your desires with others. Later, after everything one of the guys asked: "shall we go?" I wasn't sure if he meant going to the bedroom or driving me back home so I asked. They laughed at me. They meant going home.

The end.

can't get you out of my head

Am I over you? Right now, I do think so. But is this truth?

I don't really like watching his pictures because he really looks cute on them. I hate visiting his blog because it's just so full of him. Once, I freaked up being on his blog because suddenly a huge wave of memories crashed me. I got so scared and quickly escaped. I'm coming back home in a few weeks. I know I will have to contact him. Will the memories be back? Will I think of getting back together? God, please no! I don't want to! Will I be able to control that? All in all, we spent 4.5 years together...

I am afraid. Not terrified but still there is this unpleasant feeling somewhere deep inside.

In the meantime my another ex keeps contacting me. We've exchanges more than 20 Facebook messages over the past few days. I wonder if he wants something. Or rather what is that what he wants? In one of the email, I wrote that I would be visiting a certain city in Europe in the second week of June. He said he would be there the following weekend and it was a pity we wouldn't be there at same time. But for what? What the fuck does he want from me? I don't care about him (in this case I think it's truth on the contrary with the other ex). And I don't want to investigate why he writes such things because he might think I still care which is not truth. Ohhhh, men are sometimes so complicated.

Am I over you?

making out vs. fucking

I was just about to fall asleep but after a very long and fruitful 2 hours spent on writing on my other blog (the official one), I realized that I have still a lot of thoughts to materialize. It's 4.25 AM but I just can't go to sleep without writing them all down. Sex and the medina will be much richer with these thoughts.

Recently, I've been very critical about my one night stands. I disliked them. You have a nice conversation at a party, you make out, you have the nasty look and then you end up in the bed. And this is the moment when in most cases (not all of them though) it's not fabulous anymore. Sex is not that cool and when you wake up you just wish the person would be gone. Unfortunately, he is still sleeping next to you.

Let's analyze it step by step. Where does it start to become shitty and stop to be fabulous? I think it's when you go to bed, you lie on it and start having sex. Especially, when you are sexually incompatible (happens much more for gays than straight I suppose) meaning you simply like different things.

The solution is simple. Just don't go to bed so quickly! Enjoy the time with him. Kiss and touch but without taking off the clothes. Make out! Have the naughty look in your eyes and keep the interesting conversation full of unclear messages. Isn't it exciting? Isn't hot? Doesn't it turn you on?

What can be more exciting than having sex? Stopping yourself from doing it when it certainly goes in this direction!

I think I'm going to implement it as soon as possible. It's of course more safer and saves you from a lot of disappointments.

This doesn't of course mean that I will stop having sex. I will be just more picky in terms of the candidates. I will also use my regular fuck buddies more - especially if they do a great job.

And when I find Mr Right all the games will be over. There will be no "other guys". I will have sex with just one person and I will even not have to use condoms because we will be both clean and safe.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

head fuck

A head fuck - another term that was introduced to me by my friend. She had quite a big head fuck. She is in an open relationship (her boyfriend is in her country in Europe) and she dated a guy here. Everything is supposed to be fine but she just can’t get him (Mr. head fuck) out of her head.

Head fuck is basically a state when you are confused because of sex and love stories in your life. That’s what my friend is going through.
That’s what I have been facing lately.

Imagine two scenarios of a Sunday / Saturday morning.

Scenario I, version a

Sunday morning. You wake up at one of your best friend place around 1 PM after a fabulous party of last night. Your underwear is wet after swimming in the pool so you just sleep in a “free Palestine” t-shirt that you got from your friend before going to bed (you’re without any underwear). The couch in the living room is comfortable and the sleep is very nice. Then you prepare a brunch together and while consuming you have great conversations about love, sex, work and the life in the Middle East. A while later you help your friend in fixing the kitchen stove and the broken lamp in the hall. Afterwards she asks you which part of the living room should the couch take. You actually have a very good idea how to do it and your friend jokes that you should become her interior design assistant :) After a fantastic early afternoon spent with her you go back home happy to know such great people.

end of Scenario I, version a

Scenario I, version b

Another Sunday morning. You wake up at around 10 AM and straight after you get a call from your friend whom you saw last night (and the night before) at some great parties. She invites you and some of your friends at her place, very close to the beach. After 1,5h her driver picks you all up and brings her to her cool villa in the outskirts of the city just by the ocean. You have a delicious brunch and while consuming you talk about everything. Then you go on the beach with her, her son and your other friends. You keep spending wonderful time. After the beach you're again at her place where you spend time talking together and eating fantastic pasta. After that, before 9 PM she drives you all back home. After a fabulous day spent with her and them you go home happy to know such great people.

end of Scenario I, version b

Scenario II

Friday night. You meet this cute guy at a party and you and him are both interested in each other. You are a bit drunk. Whenever you sit next to him you make sure you can touch him. Later you're in his car driving his friends back home. You are the last to stay in the car. You suggest going to your place and having sex there. You end up at your place with him. Sex is not that great as it would seem to be before. You're both sexually incompatible meaning that you don't like doing the same things in bed and thus it's hard to satisfy each other. Moreover, the guy is weird (hard to explain that) and the sex is not that safe because the condom cracks.

Saturday morning. You wake up and he still sleeps. You hang out with your flat mates in the living room, have a breakfast, check your email. He still sleeps. You do other stuff, have a nap and wake up after 1 PM. He still sleeps. You wake him up and kindly suggest to leave because you have stuff to do. He doesn't object. He's being weird (again hard to explain) and you just wait impatiently for him to leave. You kiss goodbye. Throughout this time you just pray that he doesn't ask for your number. In case he does you already know that you will give him the wrong number. If this plan is revealed you can always excuse yourself saying that you have poor knowledge of the language spoken there. Luckily, he doesn't ask for it. You close the door and wish not to see him anymore. You have a head fuck. After a terrible night and morning spendt together you stay at home unhappy not to be able to turn back the time or erase the last hours.

end of Scenario II

I guess I don't need to ask you which scenario is better to choose?

Both scenarios happened to me within last few days. In order to avoid having scenarios II, I should apply the "shit strategy".
To explain you the concept - we often do things and regret them later. But instead of learning from our mistakes we keep repeating them. And then keep regretting them. It happens over and over again. It's not healthy, it's very bad. In order to break this pattern I accidentally came up with a way to escape the vicious circle. Two of my friends have already applied this rule in two totally different aspects of their lives and success occurred in both cases. You basically think very deeply about how you will feel after you commit your often-repeated mistake (in my case, one night stands with random people who are not worth it and moreover are not worth me). You realize you did it once again after promising yourself that the last time was the last time. You realize it wasn't. You imagine feeling like shit. Feeling like shit because again you were too weak and pathetic not to do it. You compare yourself with the things that you despise. The difference is that at this very moment you only imagine how you will feel after repeating it. You haven't done it yet. You still have the choice. You can prevent it from happening. Imagining what you will feel later stops you from doing it. You know how it is to feel like shit and it's definitely a thing that you don't want to go through. You want to be clean and happy. The "shit strategy" works. You don't commit the crime anymore.

And that's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna have sex unless I am sure I will feel great afterwards. Unless I know the person is worth it. No random, head fucking stories.

sex and the luxury

Yesterday (and this morning) was a luxury time in my life. First of all, I took part in a conference in a fancy, 5-star hotel in the neighboring city (the commercial capital of the country). There was a fabulous lunch in the middle of the conference with a huge buffet. The food was just delicious. There was also a lagoon-blue swimming pool and I only regretted not having taken the swimming suit. So that was "part une" of the luxury.

After the conference (that was so boring), "part deux" started as I called the Facebook guy (met here). After some communication and traffic challenges I made it and was at his big apartment where he stayed on his own. Last time I met him, just after sex, we were lying on his couch, watching TV, smoking cigarettes and eating pizza. It was such a lazy, fantastic "after-sex". Last night, we were not hungry or I didn't feel like smoking so we were just lying on the couch. But the sex was fabulous. Extremely fantastic - I was almost screaming during orgasm. Unbelievable! I was hoping for repeating it after a while but we were both too tired and we just fell asleep. I woke up earlier than him this morning and again I was hoping for a sequel. He was too sleepy unfortunately. So I decided to leave as I didn't feel like lying in the bed anymore. Then his cleaning (and cooking) lady came over and he didn't let me leave. He asked her for preparing us breakfast (last time she brought it him to the bed - until that morning I had only seen such scenes on TV). But first she needed to go to the shop to buy the stuff to prepare it. When she was gone he started asking me "don't leave, I wanna have sex after the breakfast". Well, I was convinced not to do so. I stayed. And we actually had sex before the breakfast - during the absence of the cleaning (and cooking) lady. That was fun!

A few posts ago I wrote that I was bored with having random sex with random people. It's not the case here. I like the guy and I'm having a nice time with him (not only sex). It's a best candidate for being my fuck buddy and a person with whom it's nice to go out and show up e.g. at a party. It's a good deal until I find something serious. Don't worry - I'm not getting too much into him. He's not my type (I don't mean physically), he's not a relationship person and he's in a relationship (an open one I guess but not sure). I know that these last two sound a bit contrary to each other but that's the truth. Who cares? He's just a friend with an expiration date (in 1,5 month once I head back for Europe).

And all these games will be over once I leave. I'm starting a new chapter of my life soon.

the curse of the sex at the first date

A few weeks ago, I did a thing that only showed me how fucked up my life is. The decision I made had clearly its reasons but looking objectively at my life (from an external point) of view just tells me that things are not going too well...

From the beginning. You remember when I met the guy with whom I was supposed to take a nap but ended up having sex? It's here. That day, I had the business meeting during which I met a cute guy. We talked for a while and had some kind of connection. It was Saturday and I also met him that night in my city at a party. His name was K. We chatted a bit 2 days later on MSN. It told him that I lived in a fabulous neighborhood and you could see the ocean from my roof. And sunset as well. After a while we set the hour of our meeting. To watch sunset on the roof and drink coca cola from the wine glasses (he doesn't drink any alcohol). He came over, we saw the sunset and drank the cola. Then we sat in the living room. He was cold so I brought him a blanket. He covered himself and then invited me under the blanket. I didn't want to do that but eventually it happened. Then I suggested going to the room because there were people coming and going to the living room. I didn't plan to have sex. I was thinking about it though. I was wondering if we should do it. We had kind of connection. And I wanted to avoid the curse of the sex at the first date. I mean when you go to bed too early and basically it spoils everything later. But on the other hand... I was leaving in 2 months. He was local and didn't plan to go abroad any time soon. It simply had no future. So what was the point of risking that it might go too far? Risk of developing some feelings? I just decided to have sex... In order to curse it by having sex at the first date. And so it happened. He never called and neither did I. Some time ago we just had a shallow conversation on MSN and that was all.

Isn't it fucking weird? I decided to have sex in order to spoil the relation? To make it more trivial! To stop it from going further! It's so fucked up!

Yes, it is. But it's not gonna be like this anymore. I'm leaving this country in 1,5 month and going to live with my parents for the summer (it's gonna be a veeery dry summer - no rains or storms). Afterwards, I'm moving to Western Europe for another months (or years). However, I decided not to have so many one night stands (if any). It's funny because now I'm in a Muslim country where it's forbidden to be gay and I'm having this crazy life and soon I will be in the most liberal society in the world and I'm planning on finishing this kind of life. I've already taken some steps - removing sexdates from the field "interested in" on my gay profile on one of the dating websites. Now, I'm only interested in friendships and relationships. Seriously, I'm fed up with one night stands, or sex dates.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

the new me

I’ve taken a brave decision! It’s based on a cultural difference that I’ve been observing here for a while (no, I’m not getting married and having a male lover at the same time). I decided to get circumcised! Yes, it's healthier, more practical and so much more beautiful. Dicks with too much skin are simply ugly. When they are circumcised it's so much different. It looks much better. All the local guys here have it and thanks to my cultural experience I will make this change within myself :)

So what is the action plan? In about 1.5-2 months I will be back in my home country for the summer. I will go to the doctor straight away and make sure I really can do it. Then I will have the surgery and later I will just enjoy the new me :)

I am so excited!!!