My ex boyfriend (the one of my nationality) with whom I was for 4 ½ years and broke up a few weeks after I got here celebrated his 30th birthday yesterday. As you may guess it is a perfect opportunity to summarize what you (haven’t) achieved in your live so far.
Probably, he is happy with everything he has except the fact the we broke up (or maybe he doesn’t care because he may be with someone right now – who knows?). He must be happy for having a great family, living in the great apartment in a very nice city at the seaside (he had always dreamt about living close to the sea), being a very attractive man and having a great job. I would agree with everything except the last one. He would always say he was happy with his job but I think in fact he never was. He complained a lot but he never wanted to admit that he was not satisfied with his professional life. Or even if he did that it was always fault of someone else. Well, if judging that by my expectations I would want to die if I had such work life as his. Furthermore, he doesn’t speak any foreign language fluently and he traveled abroad only once in his life. That is something that I would miss in my life a lot (not having a great job, not speaking at least one foreign languages and not traveling).
I was actually thinking of sending him wishes but then I thought “for what reason should I do that?” Our last contact was very rough. He sent me some nasty messages insulting me and wishing me death. Most probably he would not reply for my message or would respond with something stupidly childish. Why should I try to be in touch with him? I have no more feelings. Either positive or negative. I’m totally indifferent. I don’t care if he is happy or sad although I treat him as every human being whom I wish everything what’s the best (it’s my default setting). I don’t love, I don’t hate. Let him live his life peacefully and happily. He’s out of my life. He’s not part of it. He’s N/A (not applicable). He’s just my ex and I even don’t know why I decided to be together 5 years ago and why we remained a couple for so long. I even haven’t learnt that much from that relationship. I’m so indifferent. It’s so great sometimes not to have any feelings. Just not to feel anything. You are so peaceful then and not disturbed by any too emotional and totally unnecessary things.
Contemplating being indifferent!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
updates
Mr. Charm (the one met in Europe on the street) and me aren’t in touch almost at all. I was trying to speak with him on MSN a few times but apparently he was to busy to reply although once he told me he missed me and he had been thinking of me all the time. Hmmm … if I only had a proof of that. Right now, I don’t do anything to be closer to him. It’s time for his steps. If he really wants he will do something. He promised to visit me in April. If this doesn’t happen I will just end our relation by being indifferent. Maybe I should have never exchanged contacts with him and just leave it my memory as one of the most amazing events in my life. Meeting someone on the street and going through 45 minutes romance… we’ll see whether it evolves or not…
When it comes to A. (my ex) he left for Europe for 3 weeks. He called me when he was at the airport and asked me to drop him an email from time to time (his voice was almost shaking and he felt as if he extremely counted on us staying in touch). God! If not the wife & baby thing, everything would be perfect. But it’s never perfect and expecting that is too stupid. I actually wonder if I should really make a big deal of that. I know it sounds terrible but maybe he was just not sure what he wanted and a bit confused mostly because of family relations and cultural aspects. Maybe I just should work on him. Seriously, I am thinking of getting back together. I once asked him what he thought about our break-up and if he wanted to be together again. He rather avoided answering the question directly but I could easily read between lines that he did want that. What I like about him is that he is very good person, carrying and very positive. At least, I know that I am not into toxic people whom I can’t have (I was once afraid of that). And I can maintain and enjoy relationship that is not toxic. Score for me. Chances for finding someone increase.
It’s all so fucking complicated. God, bless the one who gave the possibility of having your Facebook status “it’s complicated”! It so perfectly reflects the reality. I only wish I could change it for “in a relationship with himself”. Being in a relationship with yourself is sometimes the most healthy thing ever.
We’ll see how it all will evolve. I don’t think about all the stuff that much recently. I am more into “go with the flow”/”come what may” than thinking, reflecting, wanting to know the future and planning which makes things much easier to bear. But on the other hand I should listen to Carrie telling me: "My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course he died with no money and being single".
Whatever!!
When it comes to A. (my ex) he left for Europe for 3 weeks. He called me when he was at the airport and asked me to drop him an email from time to time (his voice was almost shaking and he felt as if he extremely counted on us staying in touch). God! If not the wife & baby thing, everything would be perfect. But it’s never perfect and expecting that is too stupid. I actually wonder if I should really make a big deal of that. I know it sounds terrible but maybe he was just not sure what he wanted and a bit confused mostly because of family relations and cultural aspects. Maybe I just should work on him. Seriously, I am thinking of getting back together. I once asked him what he thought about our break-up and if he wanted to be together again. He rather avoided answering the question directly but I could easily read between lines that he did want that. What I like about him is that he is very good person, carrying and very positive. At least, I know that I am not into toxic people whom I can’t have (I was once afraid of that). And I can maintain and enjoy relationship that is not toxic. Score for me. Chances for finding someone increase.
It’s all so fucking complicated. God, bless the one who gave the possibility of having your Facebook status “it’s complicated”! It so perfectly reflects the reality. I only wish I could change it for “in a relationship with himself”. Being in a relationship with yourself is sometimes the most healthy thing ever.
We’ll see how it all will evolve. I don’t think about all the stuff that much recently. I am more into “go with the flow”/”come what may” than thinking, reflecting, wanting to know the future and planning which makes things much easier to bear. But on the other hand I should listen to Carrie telling me: "My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course he died with no money and being single".
Whatever!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
what smells around...
Having an intense sexual life may involve a lot of confusing / embarrassing moments (exactly as in Carrie Bradshaw’s case). One of those happened to me yesterday.
To finish I’ll just add that the situation could have been worse as there was a cockroach under my pillow. Luckily, I found him before my fuck buddy arrived…
Thursday, February 7, 2008
drought
A perfect French fry! Would you like to read about such one? That is the only topic that I can write about! It was actually not my idea. Carrie wrote about it once as there was nothing interesting happening in her life. (you can actually find this episode here)
And so is my life. When it comes to love/sex dramas there has been nothing recently. No men met on the street passing by in their cars, no shouting to random people from the car "hey pussy come here!!!", no random sex, no chats with the connection, no using Internet for dating purposes, no dating, no nothing.
I know that my ex (A.) is doing fine. We still talk often. And Mr. Charm is doing great too. He's been a bit busy recently so we didn't have chance to speak much...
Nothing is happening... drought.
Who cares? Does it always have to be like in an action movie?
Let's just enjoy how it is going (or how it's not going:)
I'll keep you updated when I have some interesting events or thoughts.
And so is my life. When it comes to love/sex dramas there has been nothing recently. No men met on the street passing by in their cars, no shouting to random people from the car "hey pussy come here!!!", no random sex, no chats with the connection, no using Internet for dating purposes, no dating, no nothing.
I know that my ex (A.) is doing fine. We still talk often. And Mr. Charm is doing great too. He's been a bit busy recently so we didn't have chance to speak much...
Nothing is happening... drought.
Who cares? Does it always have to be like in an action movie?
Let's just enjoy how it is going (or how it's not going:)
I'll keep you updated when I have some interesting events or thoughts.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
randomness
Randomness is a subjective thing. It can't be simply put on a certain shelve with a certain label - good or bad, positive or negative, useful or annoying. It all depends on the context, on the background, on the situation.
After a few stressful days I experienced randomness. It was last Saturday. It was fucking fabulous. Enlightening and relaxing night. Saturday's night fever!
Throughout the day I was rather bored and not in the good mood at all. Just one of those days when you're pretty much pessimistic about everything in your life, when you look on its dark sides, when everything that should be definitely small seems way too big. However still being able to escape falling into depression and turning the negative tide I called my old friend whom I didn't see for a long while. It was him with whom parties were always more than great. He was actually one corner of the triangle. But as some months had passed since summer no more feelings were involved so it didn't matter.
At some point we took his car and along with his friend (With whom I had some dirty/nasty flirt) drove downtown. I felt like one of the 16 years old teenagers who had this one night of freedom and didn't know how to behave. We were screaming from the car to the people on the streets, driving fast and rapidly stopping the car until tires were literally almost wiped off. At some point, we stopped and started yelling to girls in Arabic - "hey pussies, come here, come!". I couldn't stop laughing. Then we saw a hooker and asked her how much she was. She said 20euro. We drove off and seconds later were stopped by the police. The policeman asked us... how much she told us and hearing her price he wondered "is she really so cheap?" He wished us good night and let us go.
Please, don't be judgmental. I just needed some randomness and careless fun even it was more than stupid. Come on! I am a guy and guys sometimes have to behave childish!
Later on, when we were back in the apartment of the other guy we continued our conversation and game (my triangle friend was gone so there were only two of us). The funniest thing was that his English was as bad as his native language brokenly performed by me. But I guess we had other kind of connection. Yes, it was proved in his bed minutes later. The fuck was good. His ass was awesome. And... !! Whenever he felt good and high (all the time?) he kept making those noises showing the extreme pleasure he felt. I loved that! I hate silent sex so that night was perfect. It occurred to me that my ex (A.) with whom I had sex the night before was not that good as I had thought. The sex was much more quite (damn!). Why didn't I see it before? Maybe because I didn't want to. It's not the first time that I glorify sex that does not necessarily belong to the best ones I've ever had. Probably my assessment is deformed by feelings. Feelings definitely make your sex indicator work much worse. They just emit some invisible waves that make the sex-assessment-device malfunction. As soon as they are gone you regain the ability to assess if it was good or bad. Anyway, minutes after our first orgasm we were talking about... him joining my organization. Can you imagine something more hilarious? Speaking about his professional development straight after sex? Is there something more random? I enjoyed the night though (and part two in the morning too)!
May this kind of randomness happens from time to time!
After a few stressful days I experienced randomness. It was last Saturday. It was fucking fabulous. Enlightening and relaxing night. Saturday's night fever!
Throughout the day I was rather bored and not in the good mood at all. Just one of those days when you're pretty much pessimistic about everything in your life, when you look on its dark sides, when everything that should be definitely small seems way too big. However still being able to escape falling into depression and turning the negative tide I called my old friend whom I didn't see for a long while. It was him with whom parties were always more than great. He was actually one corner of the triangle. But as some months had passed since summer no more feelings were involved so it didn't matter.
At some point we took his car and along with his friend (With whom I had some dirty/nasty flirt) drove downtown. I felt like one of the 16 years old teenagers who had this one night of freedom and didn't know how to behave. We were screaming from the car to the people on the streets, driving fast and rapidly stopping the car until tires were literally almost wiped off. At some point, we stopped and started yelling to girls in Arabic - "hey pussies, come here, come!". I couldn't stop laughing. Then we saw a hooker and asked her how much she was. She said 20euro. We drove off and seconds later were stopped by the police. The policeman asked us... how much she told us and hearing her price he wondered "is she really so cheap?" He wished us good night and let us go.
Please, don't be judgmental. I just needed some randomness and careless fun even it was more than stupid. Come on! I am a guy and guys sometimes have to behave childish!
Later on, when we were back in the apartment of the other guy we continued our conversation and game (my triangle friend was gone so there were only two of us). The funniest thing was that his English was as bad as his native language brokenly performed by me. But I guess we had other kind of connection. Yes, it was proved in his bed minutes later. The fuck was good. His ass was awesome. And... !! Whenever he felt good and high (all the time?) he kept making those noises showing the extreme pleasure he felt. I loved that! I hate silent sex so that night was perfect. It occurred to me that my ex (A.) with whom I had sex the night before was not that good as I had thought. The sex was much more quite (damn!). Why didn't I see it before? Maybe because I didn't want to. It's not the first time that I glorify sex that does not necessarily belong to the best ones I've ever had. Probably my assessment is deformed by feelings. Feelings definitely make your sex indicator work much worse. They just emit some invisible waves that make the sex-assessment-device malfunction. As soon as they are gone you regain the ability to assess if it was good or bad. Anyway, minutes after our first orgasm we were talking about... him joining my organization. Can you imagine something more hilarious? Speaking about his professional development straight after sex? Is there something more random? I enjoyed the night though (and part two in the morning too)!
May this kind of randomness happens from time to time!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
it's complicated
That's my status on Facebook. It's purely complicated. Clearly complicated. I like having things defined. God bless the one who made up this FB status! Otherwise I would know that it is complicated but I wouldn't have an official term for that.
Why is it complicated? It's always been like this. However, now it's even more...
I met A. (my ex) last Saturday. Great time spent in a shopping centre, great time having a lunch, great time talking and having amazing connection. And in the end... great sex and the night spent together. Hmmm... the last things shouldn't have happened. But they did! God, it was great to be in his arms and to have him in my arms. I missed it so much. But again, there were too many confusions! "I shouldn't be doing this", "we're supposed to be friends and sex+friendship will never work out". In the mean time he also told me: "I want to tell you something... or maybe not, sorry". I insisted. He said: "Ok, I think we're more than friends". I replied: "oh yeah definitely. Is it so surprising to you? Have you just discovered something new? It's so fucking obvious". The friends thing is something that I was trying to tell to myself but which was obviously false. So apparently, I don't have proof that friendship with ex can work. We're something between friendship and relationship. Not friends, not a couple. "It's complicated" perfectly suits this.
He also admitted that having a wife is not a great idea and a relationship with a women in general isn't either. God, I wanted to hear that a month ago. Now, I should be happy. Why aren't I? I don't know. I cannot trust him somehow. After what he told me... It's not the same. Being so close was great. But somehow much more different than before. Because of less trust I suppose.
So now, we're in this "transitional stage". We are still planning to see each other from time to time. Normally, we should take a break but I just can't do that. It would be too weird and I would miss him, his calls, emails and so on. I think I'm too weak but actually I don't care. Come what may! At least today I can say "come what may". Tomorrow I will again be confused or something. And by the way, I promised my ex not to have random sex with others. I don't know if I promised him this because I planned not having it with others before or because I want to be faithful to him. Anyone knows the answer?
To make it more complicated "it's complicated" with two guys. There is still Mr Charm whom I will almost for sure see in Europe soon. And I don't know which one I should choose, or maybe I will rephrase it - which one I should reject? I'm so thrilled and excited about this meeting. And confused because whenever I speak with one of them I'm more into him and less into the other one. And since I speak with both of them all the time I'm like a wave, like a wind vane!
Come what may today and we'll see what I will feel tomorrow!
Why is it complicated? It's always been like this. However, now it's even more...
I met A. (my ex) last Saturday. Great time spent in a shopping centre, great time having a lunch, great time talking and having amazing connection. And in the end... great sex and the night spent together. Hmmm... the last things shouldn't have happened. But they did! God, it was great to be in his arms and to have him in my arms. I missed it so much. But again, there were too many confusions! "I shouldn't be doing this", "we're supposed to be friends and sex+friendship will never work out". In the mean time he also told me: "I want to tell you something... or maybe not, sorry". I insisted. He said: "Ok, I think we're more than friends". I replied: "oh yeah definitely. Is it so surprising to you? Have you just discovered something new? It's so fucking obvious". The friends thing is something that I was trying to tell to myself but which was obviously false. So apparently, I don't have proof that friendship with ex can work. We're something between friendship and relationship. Not friends, not a couple. "It's complicated" perfectly suits this.
He also admitted that having a wife is not a great idea and a relationship with a women in general isn't either. God, I wanted to hear that a month ago. Now, I should be happy. Why aren't I? I don't know. I cannot trust him somehow. After what he told me... It's not the same. Being so close was great. But somehow much more different than before. Because of less trust I suppose.
So now, we're in this "transitional stage". We are still planning to see each other from time to time. Normally, we should take a break but I just can't do that. It would be too weird and I would miss him, his calls, emails and so on. I think I'm too weak but actually I don't care. Come what may! At least today I can say "come what may". Tomorrow I will again be confused or something. And by the way, I promised my ex not to have random sex with others. I don't know if I promised him this because I planned not having it with others before or because I want to be faithful to him. Anyone knows the answer?
To make it more complicated "it's complicated" with two guys. There is still Mr Charm whom I will almost for sure see in Europe soon. And I don't know which one I should choose, or maybe I will rephrase it - which one I should reject? I'm so thrilled and excited about this meeting. And confused because whenever I speak with one of them I'm more into him and less into the other one. And since I speak with both of them all the time I'm like a wave, like a wind vane!
Come what may today and we'll see what I will feel tomorrow!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
monogamy and other stories
Ok I admit. I'm the fucking romantic who wants to find the one and live happily ever after. By the way, that was quite a surprise to realize it - after I finished my 4,5 year relationship (started back in my home country and ended here) I felt like I finally could breathe having finished that period of my life. I was so free. And now? I'm almost 24 and I want the next relationship to be the last one. I don't want to live in all the countries of the world anymore. I want to fucking settle down. Yeah, maybe I've seen too many Hollywood movies like "Titanic" or other crap. But I really believe so. I have figured out that one night stand may be cool and hot but it is something that turns you on only at the very moment - only when it's happening. Later, there is nothing special. And I'm just looking for the one with whom I will have the greatest fuck ever and later I will just grab him and fall asleep next to him. In the morning, we'll wake up, have a breakfast together and talk having this amazing connection.
Apparently, there are two guys who could be THE ONES. Yeah, congratulations for me for being so fucked up. The first one is A. - my ex. The second one is Mr Charm that I met on the street - he abducted me there taking to his car and making me experience the most incredible 45-minute romance ever. It's been continued since that day. And it's been going so great. At the same time I still meet A. from time to time and spend fabulous time with him. Again, at the same time I happened to have a few one night stands (but these ones are definitely suspended until I call it off!). Pretty fucked up, isn't it?
So being stuck in all these craziness I've started thinking about monogamy. Is it good that I suspended one night stands or bad? Or it's not the question of bad or good. I should rather ask myself - is it necessary? After all, I broke up with A. and I barely know Mr Charm. Why should I be faithful to any of them? So why haven't I yet told A. about amazing meeting with Mr Charm? A. is my ex so with no hesitations I should tell him I met someone else. I told him about one night stand(s) because I know they don't mean anything. But I haven't told him about Mr Charm. And vice versa. Mr Charm doesn't know either that I enjoy spending time with A. or that I had one night stand(s). In both cases I guess I feel I'm cheating on one of them. But come on! I'm single so technically I can have sex without feeling guilty. "technically" - probably this rule doesn't apply to my reality. Why do I feel I'm cheating on them? Should I tell e.g. Mr Charm that I want monogamy?? This is so fucking crazy. We barely know each other.
Shouldn't I just have some fun and enjoy the day? A small carpe diem? Hmmm... I guess this doesn't seem to match me and my personality. I'm always the one who wants to have everything planned, who wants to have answer for each question. The environment, my friends condemned me for this approach. They encouraged me to "come what may!", to live the day and not to think too much, not to reflect and just enjoy. But, if not that annoying questions about the unknown future I would not have learnt that A. was pretty fucked up - wanting to have a wife and a baby one day. Fucked up at least in my eyes. My intuition worked and thanks to it I finished the relationship when it was still pretty fresh and easy to be ended (if only relationships can ever be easy to end...).
So how should I deal with Mr Charm? High chances that I will see him soon when I go back to Europe for a couple of days. I mean it's so crazy. I met him on the street. Although I claim to be romantic I don't believe in love at the first sight (correction - I didn't believe?). We spoke for 45 minutes. The connection was amazing. But I guess everything was so artificial. Our charm was so much on as it is never in one's life. The atmosphere was just incredible. Life is not that incredible everyday. That was just a fake moment. You can't live your life with someone being charmant all the time. Life is sometimes about who should do the dishes or wash the dirty socks! How shall we behave next time? I was so happy to hear that we would see next time that I even didn't take into consideration one thing. What will happen if we don't like each other the next we'll meet? We have a great phone conversations. He texts me writing "I miss you" or "big kiss to my romance". Certainly the connection that started in his car is still in the air even if it goes through Internet cables (or even wirelessly :) Will it remain until the next meeting? What should I do? Come what may? or plan everything and think of the future? In one of the SATC episode Carrie said: "My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course he died with no money and being single". So should I think of the future? But how come I can think of it if the relationship of me and Mr Charm is only 2-week long. "relationship". Come what may or thinking, planning and reflecting? I've been asking myself this question and everyday answer seems not to want to come. Can I somehow mix come what may with planning? Maybe that would be the solution...
Apparently, there are two guys who could be THE ONES. Yeah, congratulations for me for being so fucked up. The first one is A. - my ex. The second one is Mr Charm that I met on the street - he abducted me there taking to his car and making me experience the most incredible 45-minute romance ever. It's been continued since that day. And it's been going so great. At the same time I still meet A. from time to time and spend fabulous time with him. Again, at the same time I happened to have a few one night stands (but these ones are definitely suspended until I call it off!). Pretty fucked up, isn't it?
So being stuck in all these craziness I've started thinking about monogamy. Is it good that I suspended one night stands or bad? Or it's not the question of bad or good. I should rather ask myself - is it necessary? After all, I broke up with A. and I barely know Mr Charm. Why should I be faithful to any of them? So why haven't I yet told A. about amazing meeting with Mr Charm? A. is my ex so with no hesitations I should tell him I met someone else. I told him about one night stand(s) because I know they don't mean anything. But I haven't told him about Mr Charm. And vice versa. Mr Charm doesn't know either that I enjoy spending time with A. or that I had one night stand(s). In both cases I guess I feel I'm cheating on one of them. But come on! I'm single so technically I can have sex without feeling guilty. "technically" - probably this rule doesn't apply to my reality. Why do I feel I'm cheating on them? Should I tell e.g. Mr Charm that I want monogamy?? This is so fucking crazy. We barely know each other.
Shouldn't I just have some fun and enjoy the day? A small carpe diem? Hmmm... I guess this doesn't seem to match me and my personality. I'm always the one who wants to have everything planned, who wants to have answer for each question. The environment, my friends condemned me for this approach. They encouraged me to "come what may!", to live the day and not to think too much, not to reflect and just enjoy. But, if not that annoying questions about the unknown future I would not have learnt that A. was pretty fucked up - wanting to have a wife and a baby one day. Fucked up at least in my eyes. My intuition worked and thanks to it I finished the relationship when it was still pretty fresh and easy to be ended (if only relationships can ever be easy to end...).
So how should I deal with Mr Charm? High chances that I will see him soon when I go back to Europe for a couple of days. I mean it's so crazy. I met him on the street. Although I claim to be romantic I don't believe in love at the first sight (correction - I didn't believe?). We spoke for 45 minutes. The connection was amazing. But I guess everything was so artificial. Our charm was so much on as it is never in one's life. The atmosphere was just incredible. Life is not that incredible everyday. That was just a fake moment. You can't live your life with someone being charmant all the time. Life is sometimes about who should do the dishes or wash the dirty socks! How shall we behave next time? I was so happy to hear that we would see next time that I even didn't take into consideration one thing. What will happen if we don't like each other the next we'll meet? We have a great phone conversations. He texts me writing "I miss you" or "big kiss to my romance". Certainly the connection that started in his car is still in the air even if it goes through Internet cables (or even wirelessly :) Will it remain until the next meeting? What should I do? Come what may? or plan everything and think of the future? In one of the SATC episode Carrie said: "My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course he died with no money and being single". So should I think of the future? But how come I can think of it if the relationship of me and Mr Charm is only 2-week long. "relationship". Come what may or thinking, planning and reflecting? I've been asking myself this question and everyday answer seems not to want to come. Can I somehow mix come what may with planning? Maybe that would be the solution...
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