Yesterday never dies

They say that a best friend should always be courageous enough to tell us not to sleep with our ex. But the same best friend will instantly understand us when we sleep with the ex anyway. It seems like we will never learn that the right part of our body to use while deciding whether to sleep with our ex or not is the brain - not the heart or any other part of our system. The widespread word of wisdom sung by the 1990s German Euro-pop band of the song ‘Max don’t have sex with your ex’ will never be implemented by us. The song later goes ‘It will make your life complex’ but this appears to be no danger or threat to us either.

Needless to add, I am no exception here. However, the fact that most of my relationships were long-distance ones and the break-up happened while geographically away from my ex decreased the impact and the drawbacks of the post-break-up sex with an ex. I often hardly stay in touch with my ex’es or simply never see them again (although an occasional email every now or simply not deleting them from my Facebook friends list is a common practice). But sometimes there are exceptions to exceptions too and the best example of it here would be James.

James is my ex with whom I was together for almost a year while I was living in the tiny Western European kingdom and he was in the big city on the Euro-Asian border. He broke up with me in 2009. Just before that he booked his tickets to come and see me after the breakup. Obviously when he was making the reservation he could not know that we would no longer be together during that trip - or at least he told me so... He did not cancel his trip after having consulted that issue with me. I guess I did want him to come anyway. Of course things did happen between us. I do not even recall not wanting them to happen. I think I was completely aware of how unreasonable and silly that was but I consciously did nothing to stop it. At that time, a lot of changes were happening in my life so I didn't feel that would disturb me and it turned out to be right.

Exactly 2 years later, I was about to finish my work contract in the Southern Hemisphere and freshly single (again) I was getting ready to leave and return to the North. I decided to take some time off, travel a bit and visit some old friends. Since a lot of them are spread all over the world we decided to organize a reunion on a 'neutral ground'. The neutral ground turned out to be not so neutral since it was where James lived (and he is still there). In an [unwise] move to avoid some nasty hostels and save up some money I asked James whether I could stay at his place. Of course he agreed instantly after which I underlined that there would be no sex between us. I just wanted to avoid drama on my side but also on his since he was in a gray area with his ex.

A few weeks later the big travel approached and I took off to the city on the border between Europe and Asia. Some of James' friends were visiting from his side of the Atlantic. They were staying in a hotel but they all came to his place for drinks. We were all drinking in the living room and sitting on the couch on which I was supposed to sleep afterwards. James offered me to sleep in his double bed but I wanted to avoid any sexual encounters so I declined. I was happy he did not insist.

Then the things took a different turn. His friends left and we were by ourselves talking and continuing to drink red wine. It was quite late and we were both tired. Suddenly James just passed out in a very uncomfortable position on the couch where I was supposed to sleep. After a few unsuccessful attempts to wake him up and make him to go to his own bedroom, I capitulated and went to sleep in his bedroom. I was not happy as I knew he would eventually wake up in the middle of the night and go back to his own bed and we would end up sleeping together. Guess what - this is exactly what happened. Of course around the dawn it just happened. He started touching my hair, my face, then kissing and we were on a slippery slope! You know the rest of the story.

So yes, you can blame and judge me - I had sex with my ex... But more than 2 years after our breakup, some things were different. His gay worldview seemed to have evolved. He was no longer confused, he was much more self-confident and knew what he wanted. He told me he wanted to settle down and even have kids... It came as a shock to me and I think that at some point I even said it out loud: 'Oh my God, so people do change sometimes!' Another thing that change was my feelings. So did his most probably. Of course, we still have warm feelings for each other but it is not a 'relationship love' anymore. We respect each other, want to keep our friendship going but I think we both realized that the past is in the past and that was where it should remain. However, on that particular night (and the few ones to follow) our friendship involved some benefits too. But it did feel great because it was completely drama-free. So my past did not die. Yesterday is still today. However, today's yesterday is much better than yesterday's yesterday.