it's complicated

That's my status on Facebook. It's purely complicated. Clearly complicated. I like having things defined. God bless the one who made up this FB status! Otherwise I would know that it is complicated but I wouldn't have an official term for that.

Why is it complicated? It's always been like this. However, now it's even more...

I met A. (my ex) last Saturday. Great time spent in a shopping centre, great time having a lunch, great time talking and having amazing connection. And in the end... great sex and the night spent together. Hmmm... the last things shouldn't have happened. But they did! God, it was great to be in his arms and to have him in my arms. I missed it so much. But again, there were too many confusions! "I shouldn't be doing this", "we're supposed to be friends and sex+friendship will never work out". In the mean time he also told me: "I want to tell you something... or maybe not, sorry". I insisted. He said: "Ok, I think we're more than friends". I replied: "oh yeah definitely. Is it so surprising to you? Have you just discovered something new? It's so fucking obvious". The friends thing is something that I was trying to tell to myself but which was obviously false. So apparently, I don't have proof that friendship with ex can work. We're something between friendship and relationship. Not friends, not a couple. "It's complicated" perfectly suits this.

He also admitted that having a wife is not a great idea and a relationship with a women in general isn't either. God, I wanted to hear that a month ago. Now, I should be happy. Why aren't I? I don't know. I cannot trust him somehow. After what he told me... It's not the same. Being so close was great. But somehow much more different than before. Because of less trust I suppose.

So now, we're in this "transitional stage". We are still planning to see each other from time to time. Normally, we should take a break but I just can't do that. It would be too weird and I would miss him, his calls, emails and so on. I think I'm too weak but actually I don't care. Come what may! At least today I can say "come what may". Tomorrow I will again be confused or something. And by the way, I promised my ex not to have random sex with others. I don't know if I promised him this because I planned not having it with others before or because I want to be faithful to him. Anyone knows the answer?

To make it more complicated "it's complicated" with two guys. There is still Mr Charm whom I will almost for sure see in Europe soon. And I don't know which one I should choose, or maybe I will rephrase it - which one I should reject? I'm so thrilled and excited about this meeting. And confused because whenever I speak with one of them I'm more into him and less into the other one. And since I speak with both of them all the time I'm like a wave, like a wind vane!

Come what may today and we'll see what I will feel tomorrow!