sex, feelings, confusions

So last Saturday I came back home after my holidays (the holidays when I had this interesting discussions with straight guys or when I met the guy in the car on the street).

I came back at 7 pm and at 10 pm I had a cute 19-year-old guy in my room (I’m 23). We ate, had some conversation and then watched a movie. There was no sexual tension between us although the atmosphere was favorable – darkness, late hour, we half sitting half lying on the bed very close to each other watching movie. But I wanted things to happen so I somehow managed us to start… you know what. It was a cool night. Until the morning we did it 3 times. It was also really nice to sleep with him. He was so sweet and our bodies truly “fit” each other. We slept really close. Although the guy was really smart there was no connection.

The next day I was invited for a drink by the Indian friend (my fuck friend apparently). We had a nice, chilling conversation and sex later.

I must admit that the amount of sex in my life is too big I guess. It doesn’t make me feel better and rather confuses me. And I sincerely admit that sex without love is sometimes worse when genuine feelings are included. Me and my boyfriend (the one I was 4 years with) used to have great sex.

And the next day I met my ex – A. It was a set meeting and was really nice although our meeting had stages. The first stage was walking in the centre and talking. Then we went to my apartment, cooked, ate and still talked. Then we went to my room to watch movie. Of course we laid really close to each other and so we remained. We were hugging and holding our hands. We both really missed that. It was so great to be in his arms again. And I know he had the same feelings. Then we started sex which was of course bad step but it was really hard to stop. Not only because of sexual desire but because of the fact that we were in a relationship. We went far but not too far. I was really confused. I was silent most of time which was driving his crazy. He said I was awful when I didn’t speak. I guess he was afraid of that. Then we left home and went to the centre. We had a coffee and a lot of conversation. About what happened between us, about these cultural differences. I won’t give you details because somehow sometimes I couldn’t understand him or even express my feelings. It’s not about language difference. Sometimes, we just don’t understand each other or ourselves! The conclusions were important though. He somehow withdrew his opinions about having a baby and a wife (he didn’t say but I saw his perception changed). He was more positively talking about gay marriage or coming out to his family (although he didn’t say anything directly). We started speaking about getting together (not directly – the discussion took place between the lines). But I still had too many doubts and questions. As he said – if we’re meant to be together we will be. I’m definitely staying in touch with him and seeing him from time to time (often enough!). I don’t say “no” for getting back together. He’s still amazing, great, smart and I love being with him. The cultural differences are still a barrier – we’ll see if this will change.

To make it more confused, I’m still thinking of the guy met on the street in one of the European capitals. It seems to me to be love at the first sight. He’s not replying or calling but I guess only because he’s abroad right now and I bet he has no credits on his mobile. Yesterday in the morning, I thought of checking my msn mailbox (he has my msn so maybe he wrote me an email there) and I indeed found an email from him. He only wrote “ru there” [on msn]. I replied but no response until now. The whole story is so unbelievable. It’s so movie. Although my feelings and predictions usually don’t come true I have some inner thought that I should carry on with this relation and develop it. We’ll see if the environment will support that.

I will simplify it a bit but technically right now, I have feelings for two guys. Am I really fucked up? I probably even don’t have choice. Both relationships would be difficult. That’s why I want to settle down and stop traveling and working in different countries. That doesn’t support meeting the love of your life. You may say I’m a slut but I’m a real romantic person looking for The One! Where are you?