monogamy and other stories

Ok I admit. I'm the fucking romantic who wants to find the one and live happily ever after. By the way, that was quite a surprise to realize it - after I finished my 4,5 year relationship (started back in my home country and ended here) I felt like I finally could breathe having finished that period of my life. I was so free. And now? I'm almost 24 and I want the next relationship to be the last one. I don't want to live in all the countries of the world anymore. I want to fucking settle down. Yeah, maybe I've seen too many Hollywood movies like "Titanic" or other crap. But I really believe so. I have figured out that one night stand may be cool and hot but it is something that turns you on only at the very moment - only when it's happening. Later, there is nothing special. And I'm just looking for the one with whom I will have the greatest fuck ever and later I will just grab him and fall asleep next to him. In the morning, we'll wake up, have a breakfast together and talk having this amazing connection.

Apparently, there are two guys who could be THE ONES. Yeah, congratulations for me for being so fucked up. The first one is A. - my ex. The second one is Mr Charm that I met on the street - he abducted me there taking to his car and making me experience the most incredible 45-minute romance ever. It's been continued since that day. And it's been going so great. At the same time I still meet A. from time to time and spend fabulous time with him. Again, at the same time I happened to have a few one night stands (but these ones are definitely suspended until I call it off!). Pretty fucked up, isn't it?

So being stuck in all these craziness I've started thinking about monogamy. Is it good that I suspended one night stands or bad? Or it's not the question of bad or good. I should rather ask myself - is it necessary? After all, I broke up with A. and I barely know Mr Charm. Why should I be faithful to any of them? So why haven't I yet told A. about amazing meeting with Mr Charm? A. is my ex so with no hesitations I should tell him I met someone else. I told him about one night stand(s) because I know they don't mean anything. But I haven't told him about Mr Charm. And vice versa. Mr Charm doesn't know either that I enjoy spending time with A. or that I had one night stand(s). In both cases I guess I feel I'm cheating on one of them. But come on! I'm single so technically I can have sex without feeling guilty. "technically" - probably this rule doesn't apply to my reality. Why do I feel I'm cheating on them? Should I tell e.g. Mr Charm that I want monogamy?? This is so fucking crazy. We barely know each other.

Shouldn't I just have some fun and enjoy the day? A small carpe diem? Hmmm... I guess this doesn't seem to match me and my personality. I'm always the one who wants to have everything planned, who wants to have answer for each question. The environment, my friends condemned me for this approach. They encouraged me to "come what may!", to live the day and not to think too much, not to reflect and just enjoy. But, if not that annoying questions about the unknown future I would not have learnt that A. was pretty fucked up - wanting to have a wife and a baby one day. Fucked up at least in my eyes. My intuition worked and thanks to it I finished the relationship when it was still pretty fresh and easy to be ended (if only relationships can ever be easy to end...).

So how should I deal with Mr Charm? High chances that I will see him soon when I go back to Europe for a couple of days. I mean it's so crazy. I met him on the street. Although I claim to be romantic I don't believe in love at the first sight (correction - I didn't believe?). We spoke for 45 minutes. The connection was amazing. But I guess everything was so artificial. Our charm was so much on as it is never in one's life. The atmosphere was just incredible. Life is not that incredible everyday. That was just a fake moment. You can't live your life with someone being charmant all the time. Life is sometimes about who should do the dishes or wash the dirty socks! How shall we behave next time? I was so happy to hear that we would see next time that I even didn't take into consideration one thing. What will happen if we don't like each other the next we'll meet? We have a great phone conversations. He texts me writing "I miss you" or "big kiss to my romance". Certainly the connection that started in his car is still in the air even if it goes through Internet cables (or even wirelessly :) Will it remain until the next meeting? What should I do? Come what may? or plan everything and think of the future? In one of the SATC episode Carrie said: "My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course he died with no money and being single". So should I think of the future? But how come I can think of it if the relationship of me and Mr Charm is only 2-week long. "relationship". Come what may or thinking, planning and reflecting? I've been asking myself this question and everyday answer seems not to want to come. Can I somehow mix come what may with planning? Maybe that would be the solution...