BJs and DJs

Even up until now, I have hard time believing in that but it is a fact. My North African boyfriend (he is way more than my boyfriend) and I decided to open our relationship. I never thought that such an arrangement would be my thing but here we are... La grande ouverture! I do not feel like explaining here how we got there now but I thought it was worth sharing how my newly acquired freedom was utilized for the first time.

It was an important day to me. The second one of my 2 big exams took place in the morning (3 hours and 15 minutes of my morning to be exact) and after 3 months of studying while working full-time I already smelt the wind of my upcoming liberation. By that, I meant not having to study every night after work. But as it later turned out the winds of freedom would blow much stronger than expected.

One of my friends told me that I should absolutely have a dinner and drinks with him to celebrate the end of my exam session. Despite feeling tired, I was more than up for such a festive, Wednesday night scenario. This friend of mine is the type that you are hardly able to see on his own. He is always surrounded by a bunch of crazy partying people and even though they are all fun you sometimes crave for some one-on-one quality time. I was lucky to get almost 2 hours of the evening with him only.

But such things cannot last forever. At some point, I went to the boys' room and when I returned I noticed that a stranger was sitting at our table and talking to my friend. I sat down and got introduced to him. He was a young and a cute DJ. I had never met him before but when he later added me on Facebook I realized I had seen his name before. Not to mention quite a few friends in common. In the beginning, I was getting a bit bored after his arrival. Then even more people came so the magic and the aura of a one-on-one dinner with a great friend seemed to have vanished.

I was really getting bored until the DJ sat next to me and put his arm around me. Suddenly, it started getting interesting. Mostly of the people at the table did not know my relationship had recently become open so I did not want to create too much fuss about it. Luckily, they simply decided to ignore the affection between him and me not asking any questions. Later the DJ started cuddling towards me and he put his hand under my t-shirt. He gave me some more or less innocent kisses. Then he started whispering to my ears and he asked whether I would be interested in going to his place that night. I said I was not sure. In fact, I wanted to but I had not decided whether I was ready or not. He said he did not want to pressure me in case I was tired or wanted to go back home to be with my boyfriend. It seemed the DJ took my hesitation as a 'no' since upon leaving he did not ask me again and he just left home. I felt like going after him and precising the situation aka saying 'Yes, let's go to your place' but all of the people were leaving together with me so I did not want to follow the DJ in too an explicit manner. I almost felt like the crowd at the table was my parents since I didn't want to make them realize that I was about to do something inappropriate in their eyes. Luckily to me, we all went to the metro pretty fast and then separated. The DJ was the first to leave the crowd and went back on foot since he was living in the neighborhood. When I was finally alone I messaged him on Facebook (he had added me while in the restaurant). Facebook said the DJ was online 3 minutes ago so I was expecting a quick reply. But his message was not coming unlike the metro train that arrived and was going to take me back home. I decided to deliberately miss it and give the DJ some time to reply. It was quite late so the trains would pass every 10 minutes. The count down seemed to be going too fast while I still had no reply from him. The moment the second train entered the station I finally got my reply. The DJ said that I was more than welcome to pay him a visit. I underlined that it would be a quick visit (aka quickie) since it was late and I didn't want to miss the last metro. He gave me his address and off I went.

After less than 10 minutes I was at his door. He was wearing a nice pair of white shorts and I could instantly see that no other piece of clothing was underneath. He was living in a shared apartment with a few people and had a rather ascetic bedroom with not too much in it which reminded me of my apartment in the Southern Hemisphere. Soon we started kissing and we laid down on his bed. And off we went. It felt quite nice. Even though he was not quite my type physically I enjoyed it a lot. Probably, because there was something very sexual about him. The kind of chemistry that I fall for even if the guy is not entirely my fantasy.

The whole experience lasted probably less than 20 minutes. It was late and we both needed to wake up very early. I did not want to miss the last metro either so I left. I kissed him good night and said 'see you next time'. Once I was out and on the street I just realized that it was the first time in my current relationship that I slept with some else. It did feel a bit strange or at least unusual. I do have to admit that a little head fuck (a sort of 'moral' hangover) was present in my mind but then I said to myself that too much reflection was not necessary. My boyfriend and I took a conscious decision to open our relationship and there was no need to feel bad about what had just happened. I thought that I could either feel awkward or simply embrace the fact that I could now keep the cookie and eat it at the same time. While walking towards the metro station I turned on the iTunes on my iPhone and played the music. The first song on my playlist turned out to be 'The World is Mine'. And I did feel as if a little bit more than usual of the world had become mine on that night.

Yesterday never dies

They say that a best friend should always be courageous enough to tell us not to sleep with our ex. But the same best friend will instantly understand us when we sleep with the ex anyway. It seems like we will never learn that the right part of our body to use while deciding whether to sleep with our ex or not is the brain - not the heart or any other part of our system. The widespread word of wisdom sung by the 1990s German Euro-pop band of the song ‘Max don’t have sex with your ex’ will never be implemented by us. The song later goes ‘It will make your life complex’ but this appears to be no danger or threat to us either.

Needless to add, I am no exception here. However, the fact that most of my relationships were long-distance ones and the break-up happened while geographically away from my ex decreased the impact and the drawbacks of the post-break-up sex with an ex. I often hardly stay in touch with my ex’es or simply never see them again (although an occasional email every now or simply not deleting them from my Facebook friends list is a common practice). But sometimes there are exceptions to exceptions too and the best example of it here would be James.

James is my ex with whom I was together for almost a year while I was living in the tiny Western European kingdom and he was in the big city on the Euro-Asian border. He broke up with me in 2009. Just before that he booked his tickets to come and see me after the breakup. Obviously when he was making the reservation he could not know that we would no longer be together during that trip - or at least he told me so... He did not cancel his trip after having consulted that issue with me. I guess I did want him to come anyway. Of course things did happen between us. I do not even recall not wanting them to happen. I think I was completely aware of how unreasonable and silly that was but I consciously did nothing to stop it. At that time, a lot of changes were happening in my life so I didn't feel that would disturb me and it turned out to be right.

Exactly 2 years later, I was about to finish my work contract in the Southern Hemisphere and freshly single (again) I was getting ready to leave and return to the North. I decided to take some time off, travel a bit and visit some old friends. Since a lot of them are spread all over the world we decided to organize a reunion on a 'neutral ground'. The neutral ground turned out to be not so neutral since it was where James lived (and he is still there). In an [unwise] move to avoid some nasty hostels and save up some money I asked James whether I could stay at his place. Of course he agreed instantly after which I underlined that there would be no sex between us. I just wanted to avoid drama on my side but also on his since he was in a gray area with his ex.

A few weeks later the big travel approached and I took off to the city on the border between Europe and Asia. Some of James' friends were visiting from his side of the Atlantic. They were staying in a hotel but they all came to his place for drinks. We were all drinking in the living room and sitting on the couch on which I was supposed to sleep afterwards. James offered me to sleep in his double bed but I wanted to avoid any sexual encounters so I declined. I was happy he did not insist.

Then the things took a different turn. His friends left and we were by ourselves talking and continuing to drink red wine. It was quite late and we were both tired. Suddenly James just passed out in a very uncomfortable position on the couch where I was supposed to sleep. After a few unsuccessful attempts to wake him up and make him to go to his own bedroom, I capitulated and went to sleep in his bedroom. I was not happy as I knew he would eventually wake up in the middle of the night and go back to his own bed and we would end up sleeping together. Guess what - this is exactly what happened. Of course around the dawn it just happened. He started touching my hair, my face, then kissing and we were on a slippery slope! You know the rest of the story.

So yes, you can blame and judge me - I had sex with my ex... But more than 2 years after our breakup, some things were different. His gay worldview seemed to have evolved. He was no longer confused, he was much more self-confident and knew what he wanted. He told me he wanted to settle down and even have kids... It came as a shock to me and I think that at some point I even said it out loud: 'Oh my God, so people do change sometimes!' Another thing that change was my feelings. So did his most probably. Of course, we still have warm feelings for each other but it is not a 'relationship love' anymore. We respect each other, want to keep our friendship going but I think we both realized that the past is in the past and that was where it should remain. However, on that particular night (and the few ones to follow) our friendship involved some benefits too. But it did feel great because it was completely drama-free. So my past did not die. Yesterday is still today. However, today's yesterday is much better than yesterday's yesterday.

Once you are in a river, you are wet

Most gays are sluts. Yes, it is a stereotype, it is a generalization and such statements hurt some guys who are the highly moral minority but it has to be admitted - this is the truth. There - I have said that. And if you have followed that blog for at least a little while you must know that I am no exception. It is fun even though sometimes it causes headfucks - a situation when you have a moral hang-over after a one night stand. But sometimes a one night stand is exactly what it should be - a great, amazing, mind-blowing fuck. There - I have said that.

It was a Monday a few months ago when I was still living in the Southern Hemisphere and I took that day off since I had friends from other side of Pacific visiting so I wanted to show them around and have a date with the city (even though I was accompanied by my guest - three women). The day was a bit exhausting and I declined to go and see a rugby game when my guests offered me to do so. 'What was he thinking?' you might say 'decline seeing a bunch of hot guys with lots of testosteron boiling in their veins?' The truth was that I was tired and you would have to go one hour by train to see the game. 'Nothing but a lame excuse' you might continue criticizing me. I would agree under usual circumstances. But what happened to me later that day was nothing usual whatsoever.

We met on a dating website. He was a local guy and I had been chatting with him for a few weeks but we had never met. He was very tall, very muscular, big and hot. A hung. He looked like a rugby player. It turned out that he was also my neighbor. I felt I wanted to meet him on the day my friends went to see the rugby game. I had no intention of having sex on the first meeting so I suggested to meet at a neutral ground - a cafe or a restaurant for a drink. He said there was not really any good place in the neighborhood and moreover, he felt tired so he did not feel like going out and proposed to meet up at his place instead. I gave it a second thought and said to myself that after a whole day out in the city I was not in a mood for a crowded place either so going to his apartment would be ok. I expressly announced I was not looking for a sexdate and he quickly and easily accepted that idea. I also said I could not drink any alcohol since I was on anti-biotics. I guess I wanted to make this 'date' as asexual and unappealing as possible.

So while my three female friends were enjoying watching the rugby players, I went a few blocks up the hill to meet my new, athletic friend. He invited me in and I was not impressed by the apartment itself but instantly overwhelmed by the view he had on the downtown. He could see the whole of the City skyline and it was even more picturesque with all the lights and colorful neons turned on at night. It was breathtaking. Once I cooled off a bit and sat down he offered me a glass of tonic and took a glass of white wine himself. We were seated in a visible distance one from another. The conversation was going fine although there was no outstanding connection. At a certain point he started saying something about the two couches and an armchair we were sitting on. He mentioned that the furniture was German and he had got it from a friend who was once single and decided to give it to him once she got married. 'It is furniture for single people only. Not for couples' he told me. Some time later it got cold in the apartment so he sat next to the heater that had happened to be next to me as well. At that moment, there was no longer any distance between us. A few seconds of tense and a little bit uncomfortable silence and he said he wanted to kiss me. On one hand, I wanted to do it too but on the other, I wanted to stick to my initial promise. After a few seconds of hesitation, I decided to go for the kiss. We carried on kissing. He was really good. He put his arms around me. The couches were quite uncomfortable. 'Now, I understand why they are not good for couples' I said and suggested going to his bedroom. I was trying to remove his t-shirt but he said we were not going to have sex since I had intended not to do it in the beginning. 'Fuck that' I replied and we took off.

It was mind-blowing. I have not had such good sex in long time. It was amazing. We repeated that a few days later and it was similarly incredible. I did not regret anything since it was that good but I learned a new thing and I realized I would have to carefully apply it in real life - once you meet a guy and decide to meet at his or your place, simply admit that you are most likely going to have sex with him. It is almost inevitable. Once you go into a river, you are wet.

When my friends arrived back from the game they were all excited as they really enjoyed it. They even saw some butt as the shorts of one of the players accidentally went down during a fight for the ball. It was amazing for them. 'Who won the game?' I asked. 'Hmmm... we are not quite sure' they replied. I smiled. 'You should have joined us. We had an incredible time. You should regret not going with us and staying at home instead... So what did you do actually?' they asked me. 'Not much' I responded 'I just had some rest and took a nap' I continued.

One way or another

I spent my last few months in the Southern Hemisphere living in sort of a red light district. It was full of prostitutes, massages salons, brothels and other happy facilities that are usually to be easily found in such a neighborhood. My house itself used to be a brothel until a few months before me moving in but this story requires a separate post with its undivided attention to all that goes with living in an ex-brothel.

Being a resident of a red light district comes with a lot of unwanted (unplanned or unexpected might be more appropriate words) encounters with local prostitutes. They usually hit on you and compliment you just so that you could become their next client. Most of the times, they (the female ones) have a very bad gaydar and they incorrectly pre-screen me for their potential client. Little do they know about my sexual preferences.

One night however, it all took a totally different turn.

It was an uneventful Sunday night when I was walking home after a dinner with friends. I noticed a pair of prostitutes and a guy from the distance. I could not tell whether the guy was a client or a pimp. While I approached I realized that one of the prostitutes was quite manly and must have been a transvestite or a trans-sexual. I suddenly felt she would start talking to me soon but it was too late to run away. A few seconds later (s)he asked me 'Hey darling, do you want a blowjob?' I smiled and I kindly declined. 'Maybe you want to give me one?'. I was not expecting that kind of offer at all. I quickly accelerated the pace of my walk and disappeared behind the corner without opening my mouth to avoid having to produce any answer to the second proposition. I was speechless or maybe just I simply did not want to open my jaws. It was quite an experience.

Some boys-turned-girls can simply make it one way or another. They have it all - and that includes both male and female genitalia.

A cross-hemispherical encounter

The first night when my South-East Asian date blew me off was when I met someone else. He was a European guy from Western Mediterranean region traveling after having finished an exchange semester in the Southern Hemisphere. He sent me a message via the dating/hook-up website I use frequently and after a few back-and-forth's on the site, I suggested meeting up for hot chocolate after work. By 'hot chocolate', I did mean the hot chocolate (a warm beverage).

When I arrived at the chocolaterie, he was already waiting in the line to purchase some hot, sweet and tasty drinks. He insisted on paying for my order which was kind of cute. He turned out to be a tall, handsome, Mediterranean guy with a beautiful smile revealing an impeccable line of nice, white teeth. Prior to our meeting I had told him I would have only an hour since I was going to have a meditation class exactly an hour after work. He was ok with that. We spent a nice hour, talking mostly about each other as this was the first time we had met. I felt like I wanted to meet him again but he was leaving two days later and my social agenda was already tightly filled. I told him I would contact him in the evening and maybe we could meet up for a drink.

On that day, I was going to meet up with my South-East Asian date but he cancelled on me saying a friend had called and offered him to play volleyball. My date could not have possibly refused but I was not really upset and I quickly informed the European guy I would be available to see him around 9 PM. We met up close to my house and headed towards the favorite part of my neighborhood full of nice restaurants and cafés. I felt like going to one of my preferred French lounge bars/restaurants. It turned out there was some cabaret/burlesque show that night so the whole atmosphere somewhat special. We sensed we were magically taken somewhere to Montmarte in Paris. It did not feel like the Southern Hemisphere at all. My new friend was enchanted by the soirée. We did not talk about sex, dating or relationships at all. We rather discussed traveling, living in Europe vs. the Southern Hemisphere, being a foreigner while living abroad etc. It was a very pleasant night after which he went back to his hostel and I went back to my place.

I wanted to meet him the day after but I was going to the cinema after work and then having a dinner with some friends. I promised I would text him if I was to be free which seemed unlikely given my busy social schedule. But the day turned out a little bit differently and the ending was quite unusual... Since the very morning I had had an annoying pain in my ear and in my throat. Unfortunately, I knew it could be an ear infection. The joint ear/throat ache happens every now and then but usually goes away after a few hours. On that day, it was not the case. It was getting worse hour by hour. It started being extremely annoying and painful while I was in the cinema. I still went for the dinner but the pain prevented me from enjoying it. Around 10 PM, I decided I would not be able to cope with it and I went to the emergency. It was nothing serious as I suspected but I needed some painkillers... and antibiotics as it later turned out. While I was sitting in the waiting room, I got a text message from the Euro guy. It was around 23.30 PM and he said 'I am free now and if by any chance you are free for a drink as well then I would be really happy to hang out with you'. I replied 'I don't think I will be able to go out to a pub or a bar now but if you want to join me at the hospital, come over. I'm at the emergency'. I guess that (sub)consciously I wanted to make it sound a little bit dramatic and serious so that he would come. One of the reasons of that was that I felt like seeing him again. But on the other hand, I was at the emergency and I felt sort of lonely at that particular moment. There was quite a few people in suffering (including me) and the atmosphere was overall dreadful. It was a hospital after all. The emergency was a few minutes away from my place and also very close to the Euro's guy hostel. He showed up after a few minutes. Some time later, my doctor arrived and I had my consultation. Half an hour, more than hundred dollars and a few pills later, I was free to go home. The Euro guy and I headed towards our neighborhood. It was a quiet, nice, warm and quite an uneventful Friday night. He decided to walk me home. When we reached my place, I hugged him good night which was also a big 'Thank you for coming to see me at the emergency'. After all, we had only met the day before and bluntly speaking, we were strangers to each other. And yet, I found myself waiting at the hospital with a random European guy who decided to come over and accompany me in pain (almost literally). It was too cute.

The Euro guy was leaving the Southern Hemisphere the day after (Saturday) around 4 PM and as usual my social agenda on that day was filled with meetings, brunches and parties. I decided I had to see him anyway. He was a very nice person and he came to see me while I was in pain at the emergency. So I squeezed him into my busy day. We met up for a coffee before 10 AM on a Saturday morning. We went to the modest coffee shop a few steps away from my house. It was a sunny and fresh morning filled with the smell of caffeine. At some point, he took a book from his backpack and showed it to me. It was a guidebook of the city we were in. He said he would no longer need it as he was leaving and he asked me whether I wanted it. The main idea of that book was to show tourists how to enjoy that very expensive city without making them spend too much. One of the first pages said 'The best things in life are free'. 'I love it!' I exclaimed in ecstasy. It had been a while since I heard last time. I said I could only accept the book if he dedicated it to me. For a second, I felt bad to have said that because my vain request seemed to have confused him. He try to get away without writing anything by saying I would have no space in my luggage to take the book with me but I replied that I could always tear out the page with his dedication. And so did his struggle to write a dedication begin. After a few minutes of silence, he handed the book over to me. The page he had chosen to write the dedication was the one with 'The best things in life are free'. He wrote that meeting me had been the best proof of that saying and the the book was useless as there was no guidance as how to encounter people like me. But I only read that a few days later as I wanted to postpone the pleasure of discovering his message for as long as I could. After giving me the guidebook he took a very old-fashioned Polaroid out of his bag and decided to take a picture of me. As I later realized he only had a few Polaroid negatives as they are quite hard to get for his camera and thus expensive. Had I known that before the shot I would have done everything to have a perfect smile and hair-style. But the photo was nice anyway, especially when he wrote the date, the name of the city and my name on it. He offered it to me even though it was still being developed. I had another souvenir of that exquisite Saturday morning. After a few minutes we both had to leave. I had to proceed to the next point of my social agenda. We left and hugged each other goodbye as we had done less than 12 hours before.

I was really enchanted by that amazing moments that I manage to attract into my life. Another thing is that this encounter was totally deprived of any talks on sex, dating or relationships. Needless to add, there seemed to be no sexual tension between us either. I guess we are both quite handsome and good-looking but yet nothing sparked. And thanks God for that! I do not need another date, boyfriend or fuck buddy. A friend will be much better. Because friendship are far more likely to last longer.

Everyone has to do Asia

My South-East Asian encounter was a totally new experience for me. A nice date, great dinner, total blissfulness in a park, great sex. All of that with someone much younger, much slimmer and Asian. I could not believe what I was living. I was breaking all of my patterns. But it felt amazing. It felt rejuvenating. It was very fresh. I immediately had to tell everything to my friends. I gave them a detailed report of the whole weekend. I added that I could not understand how it was possible for me to break my pattern and start dating an Asian. I have many Asian friends but I was never attracted to Asian men. One of them said 'Oh dear! There you go. Welcome to Asia! Every guy, no matter if straight or gay, has a crush on Asian men or women. It just has to happen at some point. It is inevitable. I have been there. It has happened to me. It is not that strong anymore though. I guess I am done. But you should enjoy it!' I realized it was the beginning of an Asian season. Felt like a rainy season. A wet season of monsoons.

I also remember the conversation with my good Asian friend over a dinner: 'I have to tell you something.' I said. 'I hooked up with someone. He is...' I was not ready to finish the sentence yet. 'I don't know what's going on with me! I wasn't expecting that to happen to me at all' I was exclaiming. The impatience on my friend's face was mounting and I could see that he was waiting for me to finally confess my secret. There was a little hint of confusion on his face. I decided to be a man and break the news. 'Ok, I am just going to say it to you...' Last moment of hesitation elapsed. 'I hooked up with an Asian guy, he is very slim and 4 years younger. I don't know what happened to me?! I thought I wasn't interested in Asians.' He did not say anything at first but then simply burst out laughing at me. It was funny but I did feel a little bit embarrassed.

So yes, I was in Asia. Another continent I have discovered. And to be honest, I was enjoying that new exploration. Two days after our memorable night of listening to Tchaikovsky, we decided to go to a cinema. I am in my late twenties now but somehow I realized that it would be my first date in a cinema. I confessed that observation to a friend while being filled with fresh joy and excitement, promising that there would be some kissing and making out in the cinema just as if I was a teenager. I thought I deserved that since I had never experienced that before. We went to see the movie. Then, we had a dinner a few days later. We also had one more dinner followed by spending night at his place. One Saturday night, we went out the gay neighborhood with some friends of mine and we had a lot of fun too.

It was a very pleasant, drama-free and joyful dating. I have to admit that some feelings started developing in me but I guess I was aware that nothing could evolve of that relationship. I was going to leave the Southern Hemisphere less than a month later and I had no intention in changing my plans. I noticed that he had started having some feelings for me too. Surprisingly to myself, I would always say to him 'Let's not think about the future and the fact that I will be leaving in a few weeks. Let's just enjoy the presence and the time we spend together now.' He would always agree with me.

But the drama caught up with us after almost 2 weeks of blissful dating. First, he cancelled one of our evenings. I was going to meet up with him for a dinner and then we were to spend a night at his place. He texted me in the evening, just before our meeting saying that a friend of his had called him and asked to join them for a volleyball game. My date was a regular player so he would not miss such an opportunity. I was a bit disappointed but I quickly made some other plans for that night and spent a very nice evening with someone else. Just a dinner to be exact in case you are curious.

There was another drama situation 2 days later. It was my farewell party (around 2 weeks before my scheduled departure) and my date was my plus one. After the party, we were supposed to go to his place and spend a night together. We left the place around midnight and I could see that something was wrong. It turned out that his friend had sent him a message asking him to host him for a few days because he had had a fight with his room mate. The friend was already in my date's bed and my date was quite confused. He didn't seem to want to refuse that request. I asked whether his unexpected guest could sleep on the floor. It wasn't an option - no mattresses. 'Maybe he could spend a night on the couch in the living room' I suggested. It was not an option either - his flat mate would be bothered in the morning in case he wanted to do something in his own living room. 'Well, we can always go to my place!' I gave another option. But that did not seem as a good idea to him either. 'Your bed is too small!' I was tired of all that. 'Well, I can go to my place and you can go to yours. That's totally fine.' I suggested. 'I don't want to upset you and I don't know what to do!' His behavior and indecisiveness did upset me. I was annoyed and pissed off. 'Listen!' I started 'We are not a couple. You can meet up with your friends whenever you want. You can have sex with whomever you want. We're just having fun. No strings attached. But if we make plans I'd appreciate if we could stick to them.' He did not seem to be angry but rather sad about the whole situation. He felt I was right and maybe that is why he decided to finally go to my place. Eventually, I don't think it was a good idea. He seemed unhappy or stressed. It was after midnight and we fell asleep immediately. No sex and hardly any kissing. He was not comfortable. What was even more disturbing was that he left my place on a Sunday morning at around 7 AM. I was too sleepy to get upset and I just cursed him in my mind and went back to sleeping. I wasn't thinking about him too much on that day.

The next day, I received a text message asking how I was doing and also mentioning that he felt very messy in his head on that day. In the sms's that followed, I learned that he liked me a lot but he figured out enigmatically that friendship would be more strong and long-lasting than any other kind of relations between us. I agreed and again, I did not give it a lot of thought at that time.

On the following day, I started analyzing the whole situation and I figured it would be wiser to discuss it with him over a dinner. I sent him a message asking him out on that night. A few minutes later, I received a seemingly vague response with a very clear message between the lines. I read 'Sorry. I am playing with my buddies. I will see you some time soon when I am free.' Well, I know that line. I used that line. I wrote that line! I immediately understood that this guy was just not that into me anymore. I decided not to react in a dramatic way and I replied something calm - 'Yes, sure. Have fun tonight and see you soon.' But then I decided to release my anger on Facebook and post some enigmatic update where between lines I bashed myself for damaging the relationship with myself by cheating on myself with someone else. I published that in French so that my ex-Asian date could not understand. But I under-estimated him. He realized that something was wrong and that it related to him. He quickly initiated a Skype conversation to clear the mist between us. He did not blame me for anything that had happened between us. The drama of preceding Saturday night did not contribute either. After a few moments of hesitation (the same kind of hesitation I performed while announcing to my Asian friend that I was dating an Asian person), he finally confessed that he felt very attracted to my personality but he did not fancy me physically. Well, I never wrote that line. Neither did I hear or read it! It was new to me. He confirmed it did not happen because of sex between us or because of anything that could be attributable to me doing something wrong or neglecting to do it. 'I am just attracted to guys like my European ex. I think I am still in his shadow.' I was quite puzzled and speechless at the same time. I was not quite sure what to say. I thought that maybe his excuse was a lie and maybe he got scared when he realized that he had started having some serious feelings for me. After analyzing that self-indulgent thought I said to myself there was no point in figuring out why our short-lived dating period was over. We decided to remain friends and keep in touch. After all, he was a nice, smart and good guy.

My trip to Asia was over. But as after any exciting voyage, I had a great souvenir - my memories.

I had a fling

The first post-relationship sexdate left me traumatized and prevented me from wanting to meet anyone. That lasted a week. I had quite a few offers to meet up for a coffee or another sexdate but I did not feel like accepting any of those invitations. That was until I started chatting with this young South-East Asian boy. He seemed quite simple, nice and easy-going. He initiated our conversations and he kept sending me his messages. Two or three days after the first exchange of emails, he suggested meeting up for a coffee. I did not object and thought there could be nothing harmless about a cup of coffee with a nice boy. We set the date for the following day.

On the day of the 'date', I woke up quite late after a night out with my friends and a lot of different drinks still mixed in my stomach. My head was not in a good shape. I crawled out of bed, went to the bathroom, showered and started dressing up. It was a lovely and sunny, August winter day in the Southern Hemisphere. I left my house and started walking towards the place of our coffee/date. I met him on the way, around a famous spot in that neighborhood. We started talking and walking together. He was slim, he was Asian and he was four years younger - three features that I had never found attractive. I, however, decided to be more open-minded and think outside the box. 'Maybe it was time to be less judgmental and change some patterns of mine' I said to myself. I found the date quite enjoyable. We had a great brunch and I realized that this young boy seemed to have a great sense of humor and intelligence at the same time - a mix I easily fall for. We finished the brunch and decided to go for a walk. The neighborhood and its architecture were gorgeous and so was the weather. Spontaneously, we thought of going to the nearby park. It is quite a big park on the east edge of the City and as most of the city parks, I found it magnificent. It was an early afternoon of a sunny day. We ended up lying on the lawn like a pair of lazy cats. It was blissful and relaxing. Suddenly, I felt his hand dangerously close to my body. After that, he started kissing me. I did not say anything. I do not stop that. I just reciprocated his kisses. He stopped and then we continued to talk. After that I received a few more kisses again. It was quite an adorable and cute scene - two guys lying lazily on the lawn of a park surrounded by the city jungle while innocently making out and kissing. I can only say that it felt better than it looked. After some time of that blissful innocence, we got up and decided to get some ice-creams. We got them at the local equivalent of Mc Donald's which was even cuter - that is the whole situation was cute, not the equivalent of Mc Donald's. We walked while consuming ice-creams for about 20 minutes and then I headed back home. It was the cutest date I had ever had in my life.

We also met up on the next day - Sunday. We had a dinner at a sushi restaurant. He recommended the place and while we were sitting at the table and I said something about how good it would be to have a bottle of red wine he immediately stood up and headed to the nearest bottle shop to fulfill my vain desire. I was positively shocked by how attentive my young date was. But there was more to be revealed during that soirée. As usual, there was a lot of discussions about life, love, happiness, relationships (including the one with oneself) - the common philosophical stuff that goes through my head on daily basis (probably too often and too much but I guess I have already accepted my brain and mind for what they are and I no longer want to change them so badly). And to my surprise, the 23-year old boy from South-East Asia had extremely deep thoughts and profound reflections. I had no doubts regarding the height of his IQ - it's a bit of a cliché but Asian students are said to be quite smart. As my [Asian] friend put it - Asian parents know how to make their children smart in school but they do not always know how to make them socially smart. I saw a lot of examples of that but my South-East Asian date did not follow that pattern at all. His IQ was as high as his social skills which came as a huge surprise to me. Of course that meant troubles as well. I found him cute despite him being very slim and very young. It all did not matter whatsoever. He had already charmed me with his intelligence, life wisdom and good manners. I was caught. I was stuck in a trap of attraction. Those of you who usually fall for people's mind, intellect and personality will be able to understand me. I am one of you. I felt attracted to his personality. His brain seduced me. So no wonder that when he innocently asked me whether I would show him my place, I immediately agreed. We paid the bill and we left the place - actually I did pay it. You see... not only did I fall for the guy but I also spent money on him. This only shows how dangerous interesting guys can be to me. And to my wallet. So we headed towards my place. On the way, we passed that travel agency offering a hire or even a purchase of traveling vans with a convertible kitchen, bedroom, dining room and God knows what else inside. I shuddered at the idea of experiencing a journey in such a vehicle and my date only shouted 'Oh my God, I hate these too!' I loved him even more for that little example of mutual hatred against backpackers and traveling vans. A few minutes later, we shared a cigarette. He admitted he was not a chain smoker and he did not want to become one but he enjoyed a cigarette every now and then. 'You are a social smoker! Just like me!' I exclaimed in ecstasy. He smiled having realized we had another thing in common. Once the cigarette ritual was completed, we walked towards my house. It was quite close from there and a little while later we were at my door. Slowly and quietly, in order not to create unnecessary attention coming from my flatmates, we entered the house and gently made our way to my room. I offered him something to drink and played some nice music. Unsurprisingly, we started kissing and making out. Some time later, I insisted on not going any further as I thought it was all unfolding too fast. He nodded and carried on kissing me. Of course, it was too late to stop anything and my stupid request to do so was totally useless and ineffective. I should have known better. That ship had already sailed. I decided to turn the volume up to prevent my flatmates from hearing anything and possibly telling on me to our peace-loving landlady. Somehow, I also changed the song and strangely picked 'Swan Lake' by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. I usually listen to that piece when I study so it was the first time that I was about to have sex with this South-East Asian boy accompanied by a bunch of swans and Tchaikovsky. We illustrated that piece perfectly! We finished right at the end of Act 1, Part 1 when all the music along with the orchestra was culminating in their climax. Needless to add, so were we. We lied on the bed for some time and then he was going to leave but I stopped him and managed to convince to stay over night at my place. He did and it was indeed nice to have a cute boy in my bed all night long. We also continued to listen to Tchaikovsky. And illustrate his music too.

That was a very cute, sweet and nice beginning of a charming but short-lived fling. It was a much more sophisticated and efficient rebound than the tragic one-night-stand of the preceding weekend. No head-fuck on the next day either. Just a pure pleasure and that light feeling in the heart... and in my head. So I guess we cannot totally rule rebounds out. They aren't only good or only bad. They aren't black or white only. Just do not do them for pure physical pleasure only when your life and prior experience provide you with strong evidence that you might not be at your best after you perform it. Just listen to your intuition. Most of times, it will tell you what to do.

Rebound

So before I write about my last relationship that (as all the ones preceding it) was followed by a miserable break-up, I will first tell you about my first rebound that happened just a few days after the separation. I guess I am not in the mood to write about the break-up itself yet.

Sometimes I am not sure which of the two is worse - the break-up or the first time you have sex with someone new after you break up. Of course this dilemma is only applicable to serious (hopeless?) monogamists like me. My last long-distance relationship lasted almost a year - we were on the opposite hemispheres, between 14 and 16 hours away (the actual time difference depending on Daylight Summer Time). Always in different seasons of the year and usually I was one day ahead. The longest we had not seen each other was 8 months and guess what... I was totally faithful. I did not even feel seduced to cheat on him. I didn't even kiss anyone. I didn't flirt and I didn't make out. If you know me well enough you know that flirting, kissing and making out are on the top of the list of my favorite activities and I embrace them every time I am single. But not when I am in a serious relationship. So the break-up was quite traumatic and so was the post-relationship sex with a new person. Again - it's hard to say which of the two could be more dreadful.

It all happened because of Internet dating. Of course - blame the Internet. 5 days after the break-up I wanted to have a fast rebound experience to forget about the pain for at least a few hours. It was a Friday night. I went back home and decided to reopen (for the n-th time) my on-line dating account. After a few minutes, it resurrected. I was going to spend 1-2 hours on-line and then go to my friend's place for some drinks followed by a night out in town. One of the reasons of going out on that night was to help me forget the suffering and was suggested by a friend. However, one must take into account that on-line dating is quite addictive. You just don't stop easily once you start. Or at least I don't. I was chatting with several guys at once, trying to hook up having a ray of hope of being invited to one of their places. Mine was not that good for hosting. I also had to be quite practical. It was a rainy night in a big city in the Southern Hemisphere so I did not want to go too far to avoid using public transport or paying exorbitant prices for taxis. My choices were geographically limited. There was that cute Asian guy and he wanted me to come (as in - arrive at his place) but he lived too far. Others who were in my neighborhood did not feel very sexual on that night and they did not seem to be up for any fun.

Suddenly, I bumped into that older (37 or so) guy. He seemed cute on the pictures, his body was nice, he was practically my neighbor and he was available. We quickly exchanged numbers and I said I would be at his place shortly. He lived 15 minutes away from my house. I quickly dressed up and rushed off. I did not even save his number. I had it in the last received calls. I was not sure what his name was. I arrived at the door and I rang him. He opened the door. I was a bit disappointed because he did not seem as good-looking as on the photos. He seemed older and his hair was starting to recede. I entered anyway. It was a nice townhouse in the middle of the city. 'He must be quite rich' I thought to myself 'or at least he inherited it from someone' I continued in my head. The interior design was very nice and fashionable. A lot of white, black and beige. Not too many items used to decorate the place - quite an ascetic house. He did not offer me any water or any drink. He offered me a kiss. We started kissing and heading towards the bedroom right away. His kisses were quite dry. I did not enjoy them too much. The whole game did not last long and I did not like it too much either. We finished and it was awkward. He asked me what I was up to on that night and at that moment I was not sure if it was a gentle request for me to depart or if he was actually inviting me to spend a night at his place. I said 'I have no plans' and he said 'You should stay over here'. And I did. We lay down in his bed and started talking. The conversation was even drier than his kisses. 'Where are you from?', 'What do you do here?', 'What kind of guys do you like?' etc The questions were not very profound. It felt even more weird than right after we finished making love (or let's simply call it 'sex' since there was not much love involved in that act).

At some point he fell asleep. I couldn't. The house was very quiet. It seemed empty. The design was very nice but it was also very heartless. Hardly any colors other than white, beige and black. It felt very cold and heartless even though at the first sight it looked nice, chic and classy. I could hardly sleep that night. It was not easy to get used to a new person in the bed. It was a sleepless night. I looked at the man sleeping next to me and I started thinking about my ex boyfriend. Even a week back he was still my boyfriend and how could I even think I would be sleeping next to some random guy less than 7 days later. It hit me that I was single again. I would have to start dating again at some point. Going through the same process with someone new - slowly getting to know another person, his habits, his little insecurities, the small things he would enjoy. First date, first movie, first sex. It felt sad to be on the single side again.

Later during the night, I noticed a picture of 2 boys at the night stand. I realized that he must have 2 sons and that he must have come out fairly recently. He used to be in a closet most probably. Somewhere there, there was a woman bringing up 2 children while her (ex?) husband and their father was having sex with another man. It could not be long time since he confessed to his wife he was gay (or at least bi) and was interested in meeting men. I was sure he loved his sons but he just could not live the lie anymore. It made the whole experience even more bizarre for me.

Around 8 AM, I said I would leave and go back home. He did not object. I dressed up and went downstairs. We said goodbye, smiled and I left. We both knew we would never see each other or hear from each other again. I started walking back home. I felt like shit. I had the worst headfuck ever. I called a friend and talked to her all the way back home. I almost cried. She comforted me and I started feeling a little bit better. I grabbed a take-away coffee and went back home. I was trying to distract myself with some housework but it did not quite work out. I also received a text message from my friends who were quite disappointed that I ditched them and did not go out with them. I just lied saying I had been tired. I guess I had no courage to confess the truth about the terrible night. I did not even remember the name of the guy. I had to check the history of our chatting to retrieve it.

'Everything happens for a reason' as they say. I believe that once you do a thing you feel you should not have done, there is no point in plunging into deep sorrow or regrets. Shit happens. Better accept it for what it was and acknowledge its presence. The best thing is to learn from that mistake. That experience taught me that sex is hardly good if there is no intellectual/emotional connection (some people might disagree of course but this is the case for me). I can have better sex with a physically unattractive and intellectually seductive person than when he is a hot person but there is no connection at all. In the case of my night, the person was not even hot and we did not speak a lot so I could not even tell anything about him. A lesson for the future - try to at least like/get to know the person before you sleep with him.

June nights are hot!

My life has been like a roller coaster recently. A bit of bitterness and a bit of sugar. I don't think it has ever been so dynamic over such a small period of time.

Within one short month, I lost one job (that I hated) got a new one (highly likely to be much more interesting), lost James as my boyfriend and moved back to Northern Africa. I still cannot believe in all of that happening so rapidly.

It was the month of June. The hot month of June. And it had a very surprising ending.

Before James broke up with me he had booked tickets to come over to Europe and see me. He planned it for the last weekend of June. After breaking up, we both decided (not right away but after some time) that we would not cancel that visit. He wanted to come and I wanted to see him. Despite the fact that it is generally thought that such meetings shortly after breaking off a relationship are not healthy and reasonable. But who says we were reasonable?

But some new facts had to be taken into consideration. They shadowed the trip.

It was just a few days before that last weekend that I was finally accepted for my new job in Northern Africa. And my new boss told me the trainings would start on the following Monday. Meaning I had to be there on Sunday. James was to arrive on Saturday morning and leave on Tuesday which was initially to give us three full days and four nights together. After my plans had changed it was only one day and not even a full night together as I had to leave home around 3h30 AM in order to catch the Sunday morning flight.

James was not happy about that but what could he say? It was because of the break-up that my future totally changed. And because of him that I went to Northern Africa again, instead of European-Asian city where he lives.

He arrived on Saturday, in the morning. I only was not frightened to receive him because I was sleeping after a long night of packing and meeting up with the Dutch guy prior to packing. The door bell rang, woke me up and I rushed upstairs to open the door. Within the next ten minutes we were kissing and making out in the bed. The 'don't have sex with your ex' rule sounds only good in theory. But it was not put into practise. Not exercising the rule on that Saturday morning was one of my most mind-blowing experiences in the past few months. It was so good to be in his arms... We spent the rest of the day out in the city and later with some friends of mine. A few of them got to meet my ex-boyfriend - a person they had heard of a lot in the past few months. And they were just introduced to him when he became my ex...

I was a bit worried about him staying alone in my emptied room but on the other hand I felt it would be a nice punishment for him for all I had to go through because of our break-up. He was indeed sad. The situation got even complicated when he had to cheer up and support my good friend when her boyfriend broke up with her. She promised James to hang out with him when I was already gone and it was on the same day that her boyfriend broke up with her. To make it more interesting it was the same friend who was with me when James broke up with me. And exactly four weeks later it was his role to be with her.

And the last dramatic/romantic/cheesy/meaningful aspect was the fact that our relationship sort of ended the same way it started. Exactly one year earlier, I was leaving Northern Africa for Europe, just having commenced the relation with James. Getting on a train, saying goodbye, leaving him, the place where I had lived for the last year and not being sure how it all would evolve. A year later, I was again leaving Europe, just having ended the relation with James. Getting on a taxi, saying goodbye, leaving him, the place where I had lived for the last year and not being sure how it all would evolve.

But that time it was much better. Because I was returning to Northern Africa.

And nothing is better than that.

falling into you

Life is full of surprises, isn't it? I think we all know that. Sometimes we are just stunned by the way some of our relations with different people evolve. I was subjected to that just recently. The Dutch guy I was seeing for several weeks, having been a cold and unavailable but honest person turned out to be in love with me but then totally cut our contact knowing that I was not available anymore. But from the beginning...

I met him exactly one week after James and I broke up. I just had to meet someone new in order to distract myself from the post-break-up pain. I knew it would help only in short-term but I was looking for anything that would let me not think about James for at least a second. So I went to the gay neighborhood and was lucky to meet someone right away. He was a thirty-seven year old Dutch guy. We went to his place and I stayed over night there. We met up a few times. Most of the times it was me insisting on meeting up. I was not too pushy but the initiative was always on my side. Having heard from him he was not a relationship person and he had never had a serious relations I stopped counting on anything serious. I just wanted to enjoy the moment with him and have fun when being together. I especially wanted to keep being distracted. So at some point I did not actually care that he was not that into me. I just wished to have him once/twice per week. And so it was happening.

Then my last week in Europe came. And my last weekend when I was expecting James to come over to see me as he had booked the tickets before breaking up and we had both decided to see each other again. The Dutch guy started suddenly insisting on meeting up for the last time. I was happy to see him before leaving Europe for good (and my departure is another story for another post). He texted me on the day when we were supposed to see each other. If he had not done it I would have probably forgotten about planning to meet up with him. I went to see him. It was as usual full of nice, funny, interesting and witty conversations. Then we went to his place. That time he was much more into me than anytime in the past. And I did not want to stay over at his place. Not because of him. James was coming in the morning and I wanted to sleep in my apartment. It took me more than one hour to finally be strong enough to leave his place. But I finally made it and after lying in the bed together and kissing on the sofa I departed.

After a few days, I left the country and moved back to the Northern Africa where it all started two years ago (and the moving back is also a topic for another post). On my first day, I already got an email from the Dutch guy. Whenever I replied his response was in my email box within the next few hours. He was excited about the possibility of going down to Africa to see me. And I told him I was supposed to fly back to Europe to the city where we met (I had a long lay over there, on the way to some other place). We did not manage to see each other eventually.

And today I chatted with him on Facebook. I was shocked by what he had confessed me. It turns out he started developing some feelings for me. Him - a guy in his late thirties who apparently had never been in a serious relationship and was not planning to be in any. Apparently, he fell for me because (quotation) 'he found me intelligent, innocent, cute. He was impressed by my international lifestyle and love for the country in Northern Africa'. He also added he had never felt that way about anyone and he had some undefined and unexplainable feelings for me. Given the fact that I am probably getting involved in something new here (to be explained in another post), he seemed to be hurt (although never said that explicitly) and he did not even want to stay in touch. The last thing he said was: 'you are nice, sweet and... not here. goodbye'. He said he would never like to be back in touch. He would not forget me easily. So according to him it was better to cut our communication.

It was a nice, intriguing and the most mysterious story that ever happened to me. He definitely helped me cope with the break-up and losing job in Europe. He appeared in a very strange period of my life. He was a good part of it. And the most incredible aspect was that from a cold and uninterested guy he changed to someone who fell for me strongly and deeply. It means that you never know how one's feelings for you can modify over a short period of time. They can just change drastically. And it is just as exciting as it is frightening.

Who I really am - part deux

My gmail account enlightened me again with its insightful ideas expressed via adsense ads (ads adjusted to you according to the content of your emails).

A friend of mine and I exchanged a few emails regarding our past break-ups and the first thing I saw next to our conversation was:

'Discover and prove a love affair!

A wire-tapping device of computer conversations - easy in use and discreet.'

Well, that time gmail was not that genius. I would rather expect to see something like:

'An asshole-discovering device. Make sure the guy you are dating is not an asshole.'

or

'A device measuring the willingness to commit. Easy in use, cheap and practical. Learn in five minutes whether your boyfriend has commitment issues and break up before you badly get hurt.'

Let's pray scientists invent it one day. I am the first to buy.

the dirty games

When the Dutch guy blew me off by saying 'tonight I am tired, tomorrow I am busy, then I have some friends and afterwards I am traveling' I was smart enough to admit that he was just not that into me. I decided to go out and have fun with someone else. If you know what I mean.

I went to a random gay bar. Right after I entered the place, I established an eye connection with a nice guy. We started talking but as it was quite loud we walked outside. He had a horny look and was shaking even though it was warm outside. He placed his hand on my shoulder and started kissing me. I did not object until I felt his hand going down. 'Not on the street' I shouted and backed out. We started to talk but somehow I could barely understand the guy. His English was fine but I was just not able to get what he was trying to tell me. He was still shaking. I said to him 'It was nice to meet you. Call me tomorrow' and I tried to get back to the club. He attempted to stop me but after a few seconds I managed to get inside (inside the club). He followed me and did not understand I had no desire whatsoever to interact with him. I stayed in the club and pretended he was not there until he left around twenty minutes later. I was relieved but also pissed off that I had to waste my time to deal with that kind of a person.

I left the place with a sense of lack of a conquest. I went to another place but found no one interesting there (and I was not found by anyone either) so I changed the bar again. There, I saw some guys looking at me but none of the was of any interest to me. I sat by the bar drinking the wine. I must have looked slightly pathetic being there on my own, drinking and looking around in order to check the guys out. After almost an hour I established an eye connection with a random guy. He was not exactly my type but 'what the hell?' I thought. I did not want to leave alone. I sat next to him and we started talking. He called me an angel (looking at my wavy/curly hair) but also said there had to be a devil inside me. Angel & devil? - what a cheesy crap, isn't it? We started kissing. He said he would have to leave me to pick up his friend from the train station. He promised to call me in about half an hour. I decided to wait for him. But as I stayed there on my own, without anyone and completely fragile, a new person got interested in me. A local guy from the very South-Eastern remote part of the country. He was thirty-seven but behaved as if he was a teenager. He was a make-up artist, had very beautiful eyes and sweet lips. As tall as me and muscular. A perfect type of mine. In the meantime, the previous guy called but I did not answer. I texted him later saying I was sorry but I did not feel like waiting for him so I had left. Before I realized the second guy and I were on the way to my place. We arrived there and I put newly washed bed sheets. We had sex. Physically, it was not bad. Then we slept together. He was snoring horribly. In the morning, he would wake up and starting talking loudly on the phone (with his friend and later his mother to ensure her he was fine), smoking cigarettes in my room (which I never allow), walking from the room to the toilet, being noisy and annoying. I was praying he would leave. I told him I had to go to work and we left. I drove him back to the center as he had requested me to do so.

It was not about bad sex. I did like it. However, I did not enjoy it because it was too random. I cannot have casual sex anymore and then just have a thoughtless head. Especially when it is with someone with whom I have no intellectual connection whatsoever.

I decided not to have this kind of sex anymore. Going out with a pure intention of picking up someone in nasty gay bars full of uninteresting guys wanting to get laid is not for me anymore. If I am to meet someone I want it to happen naturally. Starting from a conversation and a mutual connection. Then things can happen if they are meant to happen.

When I drove the guy to the center and returned home afterwards, I immediately changed the bed sheets again and opened the window. I desperately needed to get rid of the smell of his perfumes and cigarettes. The fresh air came quickly. But it was not that easy to erase the memories of the previous night.

back in the dirty games

New players in the game - it sounds pathetic I know. But I need to move on.

The week after we broke up I decided to go out and hook up with someone. I went to a gay bar but did not succeed in meeting anyone interesting. I went to another one where I bumped into some Dutch guys whom I had met a few months earlier when a friend of mine dragged me to go out to some gay places. Back then, I exchanged a few words and left home. Last week, the guy I had been speaking to was not there. There were just his friends who remembered me. They said I had impressed him and they asked what I felt about him. I hesitated to answer so they assumed I had liked him too. It was the truth as far as I remembered. So I told them to call him. They said he would not be able to come. So I gave my number to one of them and asked to pass it further to the other guy. He promised to do so.

But I was not ready to wait day(s) to be contacted by him. I liked his friend whom I had given my number. And I wanted to stay longer with him. We decided to finish the night. So we walked out and went toward his place. We did not plan that. Neither did we spoke about that. But I ended up in his apartment. I just did not want to stay at my place all by myself with my thoughts. He figured that out. He guessed I was in some sort of bad period of my life. So I stayed over. We were not planning to have sex but you know how it ends when two hot guys lie next to each other. It was nice. I left in the morning.

I saw him again a few days later. I went to his place. We talked more. I told him about my broken relationship, about my lost job and some confusions. But I also asked him about his relationships. He is 37 but he has never been with someone. I guess he is not a relationship person. He does not look for anyone. He said 'how can I commit to someone when I can't be committed to myself?' I guess that explains pretty much everything. He is just not that into anyone. I slept at his place again but that time we did not do anything. Apparently, it is not always that something has to happen between two guys sleeping next to each other. He just did not want to. A few days later, I was trying to get in touch with him but he did not seem interested in meeting up with me. So I decided to drop the idea of me and him seeing each other anymore. It is not that I was in love with him or that I was hoping for something. I am now in a post-break-up stage and feel like meeting up with some one purely for distraction purposes. I am leaving the city soon and so is he. We both know about it. I rather treat it all as expiration dating. Knowing that it will finish soon and accepting it but having fun especially to distract oneself.

I hope he is interested in that at least.

Tomorrow never dies

It has almost been three weeks since I am on the singles' market again. James and I have been in touch almost regularly. (Un)surprisingly, he, the person who hurt me so much, is the only one who could take me out of my misery. All my friends are fabulous and supportive. They speak about my break-up with me whenever I need and they give me good advice. However, this is only after skyping with James that I feel a lot better. Probably, only the person who hurts you so deeply is able to help you heal the wounds. None of your friends is capable of doing that.

During my conversations with James we tend to analyze the past and understand better what happened. They sometimes feel exactly as if we were still together. But the whole pressure and drama of moving together is gone. He was not ready for commitment. Or maybe for commitment to me. Or simply I am to blame for my negative attitude and lack of hope of ending up in one place.

Maybe it is better what happened in my life recently. Maybe the break-up was a blessing. My life was a mess and it was negatively influencing this relationship. He was fed up with that. It just shows I was probably not the one for him. He did not want to fight. Either for me or he simply has problems with commitment. Commitment to me for sure. To others? Who knows. Maybe.

But as for me. I guess I first need to be committed to myself and later I will let someone commit to me. I need to figure out where I want to live, what I want to do etc. As soon as I am reconciled with myself I am sure the love will come as well.

Of course, it will. I am smart, cute and funny. I am a catch. And I want to be in love. So there is no way I am not finding Mr Right. We are out there for each other.

Tomorrow died

I am single again. After a year of a relationship with James, it is definitely over. It is finished.

I have not written here for a while so I owe you some updates.

In March, when I came back from the city on the border of Asia and Europe where he lives, everything seemed bright. We prepared a list of potential countries where we would consider moving to. Despite some little clashes between us usually caused by being tired nothing was worrying. We decided that I would be the first to start looking for jobs abroad and he would follow me as soon as I found something. That seemed more logical as it would be easier to find a job for him with his qualifications, flexibility and plenty of opportunities.

But it was very difficult. I was sending hundreds of applications and no success was coming back to me. It was very frustrating and our skype conversation would be influenced by my bad mood more and more. In the meantime, I had further confusions regarding my professional life and its direction. Plus I was stressed by my studies. I was not an easy person to deal with.

By the end of April, we were supposed to give an answer to an offer we got from James' ex-boss. He wanted us both to go back to Northern Africa and teach English there. That offer was perfect for me. I would get great, initial experience in teaching, earn good money and live with James in a country that I enjoy so much. But he was not ready to go back. He wanted either to stay where he lives now or go some place else. Back then it was still four months to the day we would live together so I accepted his choice. He did not want to give up the search when it was still so much time. I was however disappointed. Due to the fact the he did not feel like going back to Northern Africa because of some personal reasons and animosities towards some aspects of that country and its people our relationship and our future were uncertain. And for me the worst was that I had to keep on searching and getting frustrated. Even though it hurt me a bit that he did not want to compromise I decided that it was going to be me who would compromise. So I carried on searching but I still kept being annoyed.

In the middle of the May, I went to see him again. The few days before going there were full of doubts and uncertainty. Just the night before leaving I found myself dancing with my friends in my favorite Thursday night spot 'Kingston' and thinking of going back to Northern Africa myself. The idea of living there again filled me with so much happiness and joy that I wondered why I put myself into that annoying process of finding a common country and investing in the relationship that had recently become so difficult. 

Full of the thoughts I went to see James. Two nights after dancing in Kingston I was standing with James on the rooftop of a posh restaurant somewhere on the hills of the city on the border between Europe and Asia. It was a warm night. The view was magnificent - the lights of the city on the European and Asian sides, the ships on the river and strait separating the big metropolis. I was leaning against the balustrade and admiring the picturesque view but my mind was exploding of thoughts. James came over next to me. I just said 'I am afraid it is not going to work out'. He replied 'don't give up yet, babe'. The next days were as usual amazing. Meeting up with friends, partying, sleeping together, traveling in the country. However, there were more fights and arguments. I blamed them on the difficult period for both of us and the uncertainty. The last day of our visit was great. No stress or worries. Just laying on the hills of the city and admiring the views while relaxing and enjoying the sun. He said 'despite all the stresses and worries I prefer to have you with all of them than live peacefully without them and without you'.

I left for home. I arrived and went to work the next day. I filled some applications. I also got the news from my company. They decided not to prolong my contract meaning I would not stay in Europe anymore. I felt relieved and scared. Scared because of uncertainty and relieved because I would not have to take the decision 'yes, I'm staying here'/'no, I'm leaving' in case they wanted to keep me. I called James and broke him the news. Before I had said that he noticed that I did not sound sad anymore. But when I told him the news he seemed to have got scared. As I was planning to go for a couple of days to the Northern Africa (a nostalgic return journey after a year) he suggested checking whether I could still take the job his ex-boss had offered us. But he only meant me coming back there and not himself. It disturbed me. I told him to think of that for a couple of days and let me know by the time I was there so that I could ask his ex-boss. The next day he told me he would not want to go back there.

I respected his decision and made my own - I would move to live with him in the city on the border of Europe and Asia. I called him on the day of leaving for my trip to Northern Africa and said that to him. I started crying from emotions 'babe, it is happening. After one year of planning we finally agreed on the country. I am moving to you and we will finally live together'! I was so happy. I thought he was happy too. I hanged up and got back to work being still excited about all the changes in my life. I announced the news to everyone. I had some fears and doubts but I wanted to try and see how it all would work out.

That evening I went to Southern Europe to spend some time with a friend of mine who lives there and the day after I flew to Northern Africa. I had no news from him during the whole day so I called him in the evening. His voice calmed me. But just for a few hours since there was no further news from him until the end of the day and on the next day. Just a small text message at night 'are you back home?'. I was surprised but luckily I was pretty drunk with my friends so I ignored it and replied something sweet and lovely. On the next day, I woke up with a hangover and started analyzing thoughts and messages. I kept changing the SIM cards to make sure he had not sent me any texts. There was nothing. A friend of mine who went to Northern Africa with me and I decided to do some sightseeing of the city. We ended up in the fortress where I was living during my last four months in the country. It was there that James was my neighbor and it was there that our relationship started. I was in the place full of great memories but I was very anxious. I kept looking at the mobile and switching the cards. No news. I decided to call. James answered but sounded very weird. He was very quiet and it seemed he did not want to tell me something. I pushed him and then the words of confusions and frustration flooded me. 'It is not going to work out. We have communication problems. We don't understand each other. We are on different pages in our lives...' And many more - each of them felt like a stab in my heart. After he was done I just summarized everything and added 'come on, say it, break up with me if you really believe in all what you said'. He did not say anything and I hanged up. I was speechless. I was with a friend of mine and I told her about everything. At that point I just could not believe in what had just happened. Luckily, all of my friends were very supportive. It did spoil my holidays but at least I did not have to deal with that at home in Europe where I would probably have to suffer myself in my room, in my bed. 

I called him two days later and just to confirm his final decision. I sent him two emails - one very full of love and emotion, the second one full of hate and despise. I removed his contacts from Facebook or Skype just to re-add them the next day. He was understanding about all the that but he did not change his mind.

It is over. It was almost a year. And now I am single. But I still have hope.

'from Asia/Europe with love' – part deux

It is high time to provide you with the news you have been waiting for – trip to the Asian-European country where James lives. All went fine – you may restart breathing – no points for worries. He even said it was the best of our meetings since the beginning of our relationship. I agree it was amazing and wonderful. There were also some stormy and difficult moments but I believe their negative power was either dispersed or transformed to a positive one. Not to make it sound so light and great, I need to admit that there are some things we both need to work on to make this relationship successful.

I arrived there on the last Friday of February and obviously was very excited to see him again. I walked or rather ran from the airport shuttle stop in the centre through the main pedestrian street almost losing my baggage and stumbling over people. Finally, I reached his house and apartment (fifth damn floor with twenty-something kilos of luggage in the suitcase). I fell into his arms and then we were in bed - the first night in two months together again.

On Saturday, he went to work while I hanged out at home, chatting with some friends, relaxing and actually cleaning his apartment. I guess I wanted to do something for him and make him happy. In the evening when we went out, our first tensions started. I was with one of his friends and his guests. They all knew each other pretty well while I felt quite out of the game with them together. I was annoyed and bored not being able to follow or participate in the conversation (it was not the language barrier). We came back home and I said how I felt. For the first time, in this relationship, I felt what the cultural (or maybe personalities?) differences meant.

On the next day, we flew to southern part of the country on the seaside. It was like a paradise - picturesque views, mountains, beaches, sea and us. Nevertheless, the trip was sometimes intense and tiring. It was when James became a bit grumpy and annoying. The situation happened a few times again (and it would happen on our previous meetings too). Afterwards, he would always apologize me and wonder why he would be become in that stupid way. He promised he would work on it. The same problem happened to me from time to time. It took place during a dinner on our last night before my departure. He said something that annoyed me a bit and I shouted on him. Later, he went home and I walked to say by to some friends of mine. I did not stay long. I came back home and apologized. He said he might not have deserved that for what he had said but he had deserved that for all the previous times when I ended up not saying anything.

Although, this kind of fights are not what I want in my relationship but the very good point is that we always talk about it and sincerely want to improve ourselves. And where there is the will and a plan, there is a high likelihood of a success.

One of the most important parts of my trip to Istanbul was that we finally decided to list all the places where we would like to go, work and live together. The list is pretty long, it is mutually agreed and still we are flexible to re-discuss the priorities.

Overall, tout va bien. The relationship is going very well and despite some small issues that we are working on there is nothing to worry about.

The future is bright.

'the one is not enough'

Human is a really awkward creature. While being the supreme creation of the evolution it is in fact very far from ideal. It has quite a (self-)destructive nature and somehow cannot often cope with adversities of its fate. Will the evolution fix these drawbacks within the next centuries or millenniums? Will it make it smarter, wiser and more intelligent? Will it enable it to live in peace with nature and the other human beings? Will it decrease the number of committed mistakes? Or most of all, will it ensure that a mistake made once is never repeated anymore? Ever? Because making a mistake may be in most cases acceptable but not learning from it and keeping to make them is far worse.

The same goes with our boyfriends or girlfriends. Once we realized that s/he was not the one, once we dumped him/her and got over the unsuccessful relationship, we often tend to fall for another person - who is actually the same person but just in a different 'outfit'.

In some sort of a mysterious way, we tend bump into the same kind of people. We meet them up, we play the same game, and we fall for them. It is often that we do not see how alike the person is to their predecessors. We believe we date different people but in fact we keep dating the same person(ality) who just happens to be in another body.

So a lot of has its own patterns. Guys who treat us like shit. Materialistic chicks who tend to go for guy's wealth and car. People who use us and seem to be close but in fact they just play their games. Girls who desperately need love and affection. There are thousands if not millions of patterns for both men and women. Many of us are just a simple example of a pattern.

Two of my flat mates confessed me recently that they could be only attracted to 'bad boys' - guys with difficult personalities, who play their games as long and often as possible in order to have fun. When the girls would lose interest after being perpetually rejected they guys would suddenly come back with his rarely shown attention and willingness to express affection. On the other side of the circle there are guys who are good. Too good for many girls. Last week, I went out with a friend of mine (K.). We went to an Irish pub where we bumped into their friend - a guy (L.) to whom I was introduced.

L. seemed a bit distant and cold to all the girls around so K. decided to ask him:

-'What is wrong with you? You are always a nice and a decent guy? Are you angry today?'

-'I am not a good boy anymore'

-'Why?' she demanded with a very surprised face.

-'Because girls do not like good boys. The want bad guys' I answered as if I was an oracle of relationships.

-'Exactly! Your new friend is very smart' said L. about me being surprised how fast I discovered his true intentions.

-'This is not truth' K. was trying to defend her theory 'You are always surrounded by plenties of girls!'

-'This is the truth' I added as if I had all the knowledge of the world in my exclusive possession 'because girls like to be friends and confidents with good boys - however, there is never anything happening between them.'

L. was still astonished by how easily I read him and his actions but he confirmed that it was all right. (After watching all the episodes of SATC no way can I be wrong...)

I am not an exception. I have witnessed so common patterns most of my ex (and James as well!) share. This was not a safe thing to discover.

If you look at the guy I met once upon a time when I first went to European/Asian country and fell in love with him or at my ex from North Africa to whom I said yes after a few weeks (days?) of dating, you will see how alike those relations were. They were both guys who seemed straight - not only visually but also they had a lot straight-guys' behaviors (i.e. watching football). They did not have too many gay experiences, they were open about their gayness but only to few people. Each of them was pretty much kind, nice and good. Never toxic, jealous or angry. The type you usually do not argue with. Unfortunately, they also had more negative features. Although they were times when they were clearly into me, generally they were not relationship guys. They would never think of the future and they treated relationship as a mean to have some fun and entertainment. I was, on the other hand, more committed and more serious while they were reluctant to speak about next months and places or simply they would not have this concept in their heads.

And then the most scary question - does James fit to described pattern...? 

Yes and no. He also looks and behaves straight. He is also very kind and gentle. On the contrary, sometimes he can be angry and annoying. He is not normally jealous as he trusts me. But I know it would not be a good idea to cheat on him as this would cause a lot of troubles to our relationship. Luckily for me, he is willing to talk about the future and in fact the clear plans for the next months are already established and right now, it is the implementation phase that is taking place. He is caring and I know he is into this relationship. But... as there is many similarities between him and the others especially with regard to positive aspects I am afraid there will be more similarities in the negative ones. Yes, I am afraid that despite what I know he feels for me I am more into this relationship than he is. I am afraid that one day he will dump me because he will realize I am an obstacle in his plans to travel and live around the world. He will just say 'it's not you, it's me - I just feel like spending more time with myself and traveling wherever I want'. We spoke about all that last night and he assured me I had nothing to worry about.

Maybe he is right and I am simply exaggerating, or maybe I just have a very good sixth sense and I keep denying the obvious signals from the surroundings (that was already a case several times with my exes) - will I know that? Maybe later I will. I do not know that now for sure. And I should not focus on that too much. All in all, being objective, this is the sanest and the best relationship I have ever had. It is just my nature to think too much and question things. I do not think I will change it easily in myself. I just need to accept myself the way I am and the way I deal with certain things. I might be always coming up with this kind of stuff - questions, doubts and insecurities. I guess you can always find something what makes you uncertain (or what you make look dangerous while in fact it is not).

And I will assure and do all my best in order to break the fatal pattern.

This time it will be different.

'license to love'

One of my good friends has recently fallen in love. She was literally struck with the feelings. It all happened faster than being struck by a lightening.

I saw her on the week prior to my departure to Asian-European country. Then when I returned I did not hear from here. Having been back in the city for a couple of days and not having known what she was up to I decided to give her a call.

I dial her number while driving my car and await her answer. After a few seconds she is there. A weird voice. I ask ‘hey, how are you? What’s new?’ Her voice is different than ever before. She does not speak fast as usual and she seems not to care about anything. ‘Is she daydreaming?’ I ask myself. She just says that a lot of thing happened and a lot changed. It all sounds very mysterious. She confesses she met a man. No more details are given to me.

On the next day I meet up with her in an Italian restaurant near her office. I start listening…

In the middle of the week when I was with James she went for an exhibition with a dinner at the Macedonian Embassy. She went there with her date – a guy with whom she had started meeting earlier. She was pretty interested in him but he was not that into her. They kept going out together but it was nothing promising. During the dinner a lot of red wine was served so it got her a bit dizzy. While she was wandering among the exhibits admiring their newly discovered beauty (thanks to the extra amount of the red) she bumped into the guy (that was probably also thanks to the red). They immediately connected talking about… well, she was not able to remember what they talked about. She just remembered the feeling and the connection. Later, no one knows why, the guy needed to get a pack of cigarettes. She volunteered to accompany him. Her friends told her later that it had taken quite a while to buy them and be back. She did not realize it had been that long. The guy took her number and called her a few days later. She was very reluctant to see him again but she gave in having seen how cutely pushy he kept being. They spent wonderful moments together. They started planning May in Mallorca and June in Greece. Things went fast. From the beginning they were very honest with each other. She told her she was in the middle of the preparation for divorce. He told her his life was full of many short stories of which one resulted in a ten-year old girl. But it did not change anything. They have a wonderful connection. They are both madly in love and they both want a stable and amazing relationship. They feel they can achieve that together.

In the meantime, the guy whom she went for the exhibition with phoned her. She just unceremoniously dumped him. He was speechless. He asked ‘does that that mean you kept fooling me all the time and never felt anything even when you were saying all the I-love-yous to me?’ ‘It must be it’ she replied. She did not care about the guy that had been playing a hard-to-get one before and of whose feelings she was not sure. She had never done something like this before but she was absolutely sure it was right. In the end, she was falling in love! She could not sleep. She was not focused at work. She could not participate in a training as she did not remember anything afterwards. Not so difficult to understand as all the time she was looking through the window or at the ceiling.

Having finished the story she anticipates me that her lover-boy will pick her up so that they can have a dinner together. I will meet him and I need to give her my opinion. In a few minutes he arrives. Quite handsome guy, a funny type who makes people laugh. Not boring but smart – a perfect mix. He says he has just seen his doctor and got his examinations results. His health condition is fine. The scene I observe reminds me of a SATC when a guy says ‘before you start dating a girl you need to show your left hand, ID card, bank account statement and blood test’. When the guy is at the bar buying a drink she admits he did that for her and brought the result here on purpose although she had never asked for that. She says it means that he cares. Later, she asks me for my opinion and before I say anything she looks at me as if was an oracle. She admits a good friend’s opinion is very important to her and I am the first to judge him. The guys is cute and seems smart, funny and caring. I say he is great and she seems even happier and more relieved.

I call her today. I ask whether they had a great weekend. I want to know whether he inquired some details about me. She says he just wanted to know what I had said the other day and whether he passed the test. Another point in favor - the guy is not stupid.

He passed the test. I granted him the license.
License to love.

'relationships are forever'

If you remember how I met James you are perfectly allowed to say that the level of the effectiveness of my gay-radar is very low. On the day when it all began between us I ignored a couple of factors that should have led me to the conclusion of him being gay much earlier.

However, the people grow as the years pass by. They develop, improve and become better day by day (or at least this is the theory). I believe I have mastered this theory and put it into practice. I was just very successful in suspecting someone being a gay, then discovering the truth and realizing I had been right.

A few months ago my gay-radar said that one of the guys at my office was gay. He would inquire a few times about me. Then sometimes I would see him a bit nervous when around me. Several times he would act a bit silly. He would also smile in this sweet, intimidated way. I was sure he was gay. 

Couple of times I used the opportunity of a lunch together to discover whether I was right. No luck. Then, there was a company socializing event where many people got drunk in a club. I was about to speak to him for a while but a moment later another guy showed up and there was no possibility of a decent conversation without witnesses. 

But everything was confirmed two days ago. Around noon I came downstairs to the canteen and having chosen the dish I took the only free place that happened to be next to the guy. He, knowing I was on holidays, asked me how it had gone and whether I had enjoyed being in my home country. I said I had not been in my country but in the country on the border of Europe and Asia (to see James but I did not reveal that yet). He just asked me how I liked it and then did not continue the conversation. But I was too smart to lose such a good moment to discover the truth about him. I knew that if I had started talking why I had been there I would have had to say the real reason - visiting my boyfriend. So I quickly manipulated the conversation and made it go my way. Having been asked by him a standard and dull question 'did you like your holidays?' I answered 'yes, it was cool but the city I saw was a bit boring to me as I know it quite well - it was my third time there'. He seemed surprised and asked me why I was going there so often or whether I had some friends there. That was the questions I had been expecting. The guy got into my trap. I asked 'no, I went there to visit my boyfriend'. On his face, I noticed the tiny ray of surprise, embarrassment and insincere but somewhat politely forced understanding. Then he wanted to know some more details about my relationship but it was just a routine enquiry. Now, the floor was mine. It was my time for offensive. I posted the inevitable question. The one I had been planning to ask and for which I had prepared the ground by performing the aforementioned manipulation. 'And you? Are you with someone? Do you have a girlfriend?' the words came out of my mouth. Of course I was expecting not to hear anything of any girls. And so was his response. 'I have a boyfriend' he said 'he's of the same origins as me, we have been together for eight years and now we live together as last year we bought a flat. He works in a bank abroad but as the country is tiny he commutes every day' he kept answering my consecutive questions.

The feeling of a victory was mostly caused by the fact the guy did not look like a stereotypical guy. I just felt it by being close to him during some moments at work. I just sensed that he was gay. It was hard to tell by seeing him but easy to feel without looking. However, the sense of a victory got, sort of, swept away. Yes, it is was nice to feel that I had been right all the time and than he, in fact, was gay. But what I rather felt was the envy. Maybe from my perspective their lives are quite boring. They had settled down very deeply - bought a flat, both have boring jobs and live in a hardly exciting city. But who cares? I assume they are happy with what they have - a nice and decent life, stable careers, convenient place to live and most of all - themselves. For eight years. When I had heard it I realized how little experience James and I had. Our relationship is just a couple of months... most of all has been long distance. We did not have a lot of time to get to know each other...

I called James later that day to break the news. I also told him I had admired the fact they had been together for eight years. Keeping in mind that we had less than one year together he just said 'well baby, seven more to go and we will be able to say eight!'

And as of the coming fall - together in one country, city and apartment.

We are working on it right now. Very hard.

'yesterday never dies'

The past is back with its old temptations!

I have reestablished contact with one of my fuck buddies from Northern Africa. He is the one with whom I met more than once (or twice) and to whom, after that first time, I decided not to say goodbye in order not to lose a great opportunity of an amazing fuck. The sex was simply mind-blowing. If you want to remind of him just read how seductive and luxurious my life was.

To quickly bring you back the memories I will summarize the story. He was the guy that once randomly added me on Facebook. Then, another time visiting his city I decided to have a coffee with him. We ended up in his bedroom having great sex and then partying together. I would meet up with him every now and then mostly to have the opportunity of a great night.

(Un)fortunately, our relation ended just a few weeks before I left the country. He kicked me out of his bed when another guy knocked at the door at 5 AM. It was a humiliating story.

Some weeks later he removed me from Facebook and since I knew James it did not even matter to me. I forgot about the guy. Until a few days ago when he re-added me on Facebook. I ignored his request but he did that again. I ignored him again only to receive a message that he did not understand me not accepting him. I explained that I did not like the fact he had first removed me and then wanted to be friends again. His reply was very cheap and tacky. He said it had been his stupid cousin who had been playing with his Facebook account. I guess I am more stupid because instead of ignoring him I confirmed our friendship.

He wanted to hear all the news from me. So I told him where I lived and that I was together with James. He said he had moved to study to the country in the Alps (the same city I will visit in three weeks…) and he was still with his boyfriend (the same guy he was with when we had our ‘affair’). He also seemed very excited about coming to see me when he asked whether my new room / flat was as small as the one in the Northern Africa. That was too much. I decided to be honest. I told him ‘I wish I could let you stay at my place but I don’t think it's possible. You are too sexy and hot and we could do something that I would later regret and it can't happen as I'm totally faithful to my boyfriend’. I saw his photos from Maldives beaches where he looked amazingly hot and sexy. We kept exchanging emails. I am sure nothing will ever happen between the two of us. I do not even think I will ever see him again.

But why are these memories back? The memories of great sex… the memories or carefree nights (the sex was safe!)… the memories of amazing orgasms and a lot of fun. It is all part of my past and it will always remain there. Why do I need that if I have a great boyfriend who loves me and great sex he gives me? What is it exactly that I do not have and that I miss? Why is it connected with the Facebook guy?

Unfortunately, I am usually very nostalgic about my past. About most of the aspects of my past, including being able to have this kind of stories.