me, myself and I

It is really interesting and surprising how I judge others versus myself in the very same situations and based on the same criteria. The results are completely different. I guess I am doubled or trippled or whatever!

I started my new job on the 1st of September. I work in a corporation where according to the general perception one can never have their free time and where your personal life is the subject of disrespect. That obviously negatively affects your personal life.
It’s hard to say that my life was destroyed from the amount of work so far (which can always happen in the future but I assume it will not). I don’t work more than needed, there is no rat race and people are always very nice and helpful.

So what are these initial observations? I joined the department as one of 11 newcomers. Out of them, 10 are in a relationship (including me). Isn’t it a very promising result for the future generations? When I listen to the other workers I will just hear “my girlfriend and I”, “my wife”, “my husband”, “our children”. They all or most of them seem to live in the small cities/villages or suburbs of the capital (of the Kingdom I am living in now) with their girlfriends or boyfriends and the future just looks like “and they live happily ever after.” (I cannot imagine of something worse than living in any of these places, especially suburbs).

I feel kind of irritated by these people. I find them more boring. I am sometimes surprised to hear the length of their relationships or the fact of being married! I also kind of appreciate people who are single and who feel great about it. I don’t feel that anymore though when I realize that a person considers staying single for the rest of her/his life. And it’s here where inconsistency starts. Because, I do have to admit how inconsistent I am in this thinking. I, myself, am in a relationship. I am very happy with James Bond. I could get married to him right away if we had an opportunity. And I would never find it irritating, boring or surprising. I would be genuinely happy for us – more than happy I am sure. I could sacrifice so much. Why then do I feel all these kind of negative feelings for my work mates? I need to stress that it is not the case for my close friends. I would always be truly happy for them and their partners whenever they got one. And I am so happy for myself! Why can’t I be happy for the others? Maybe it is because I value my friends way more than some new random work mates? Maybe it is because of rejection of anything related to settling down in one place - especially in the city where I have been living for a couple of weeks? Because of rejection of anything related to my new work place and new lifestyle? Or maybe because of the fact that my relationship is better (according to me) and different than the standard ones (because of its international aspects – coming back from two different places, meeting each other in one country, living in other countries now, planning to live together in some other countries in the future)?

Any ideas?

'I’m so excited! I just can’t hide it!'

Small things make you happy. And hamdullah (thanks God in Arabic), we have them from time to time!

I was sitting in my hotel room (I was sent for some company trainings to the country in Southern Europe where I met Mr Charming last December) and typing some emails to my friends when I got a text from James Bond saying: “I wear your jacket a lot. And sometimes I imagine it is you holding me”. For your info, it is a jacket of mine that I didn’t really like to wear but one that he liked a lot so I was more than happy to give it to him (not because I could get rid of an unnecessary clothe but because I was happy to give him something he liked).

While I got the text I was listening to Pointer Sisters “I’m so excited! I just can’t hide it! I’m about to lose control but I think I like it”.

Indeed, I am very excited. Happy as well!
And no further elaboration is needed.

bonding with James Bond :)

James Bond arrived in here last week. (for those who don’t know after having left Northern Africa I went back to my home country for two months and afterwards, 2 weeks ago, moved to one of the European capitals in the Western Europe). He came here last Sunday (7 Sep) for one week. We were both very excited to see each other, especially after two and half months of separation and a long-distance relationship. But we were also very anxious at the same time. We met in the Northern Africa last February. Then we met again at the movie shooting (yes, we were both extras in a Hollywood production). Later, we would always end up at the same parties or meet by chance in the same places having many friends in common and being neighbours at the same time. And the last fabulous in the Northern Africa week when I realized he was gay and when we hooked up and started our relationship. It was all like a glamorous movie where were not extras but the leading roles. We had drinks in the most fancy, classy and fabulous places in the town. We hanged around with the most cool, smart, cute and intelligent people. The atmosphere of One Thousand and One Nights was everywhere to be felt. Then I had to leave the Northern Africa which was way more difficult than I would have ever expected. I cried a sea of tears to say good bye to my friends, my house, my lifestyle and especially – my newly met boyfriend. The come back to my home country was like travelling back to past. Usually coming back to the past was a nice and a nostalgic experience. It wasn’t in that case. I felt so confused and it was so hard to re-establish my life in the place where I was brought up. I made it though but with a lot of challenges and confusions. Luckily, the relationship with James Bond was going very well even despite the distance. We were very excited to see each other after around ten weeks. But as I said – we were anxious at the same moment. What if it wouldn’t work out anymore? All the magic of One Thousand and One Nights would be gone. Our friends were not there. Our favourite city hot spots were unreachable. It was just us. It was only the two of us who were the same elements of a magnificent story in the very different environment. I drove to the airport to pick him up. I was happy and scared at the same time. I arrived a bit earlier and was standing at the hall of arrivals. I was watching all the passengers coming out in order to spot him. My heart was beating like crazy. Then after almost one hour of waiting I noticed him – he was walking pretty quickly, carrying a lot of baggage and being very tanned after more than a month trip to Western Africa. My heart bit up again. I approached him and gave him an innocent kiss. Having helped him a bit with his luggage we headed towards my car. After initial few minutes I had the feeling that everything was fine. I was so happy to see him. And so was the week that we spent together. Full of funny conversations, smart and cute jokes, going out for a dinner or a drink, meeting with my friends, walking and hanging around in the city. Just fabulous even if we got the spent the evenings only as I was working during the day. And the sex was so amazing. We both got laid after more than two months of celibacy. Everything was just so amazing. But the most important thing was that thanks to the long conversations we had I got rid of most of my fears and concerns. I am not so much afraid of long distance relationship or of the next year anymore. I know that we love each other strong enough in order to be and live in the same place next year. Wherever it will happen to be. And I am sure we will do it. Because he is an amazing person and I will do my best to keep him in my life.

I love you.

'for your eyes only'

James Bond is coming to the town tomorrow! Yaaay!! I haven't seen his since Jun 23 when I was still in the Northern Africa. I'm so excited. I'm also proud of ourselves. We survived such a long period of not being able to see each other. We have succeeded. Meaning we have high chances to survive this year! We're gonna have a fabulous time here!! It's happening now!!

'you only live twice'

I do kind of live twice. 'Cause I am doubled. There are two me. One of me is rational, the other of me is very emotional. They both know about their existence but don't really listen to each other. What are the symptoms? Listen to the story.

James Bond went for a trip to Western Africa. I went to see my grandma before leaving for the capital of the Kingdom I will leave as of September. I didn't have Internet access for 4 days. I also (don't know why) can't send him text messages from my mobile. Our trip meant we couldn't stay in touch because he had limited access to Internet too. It was only possible thru emails - actually only for him because I was cut from all the civilized stuff such as Internet. I was ok with us being split for a few days with no possibility of any communication. But when I came back home I tried on calling him. His mobile was switched off. I had no emails from him. I only saw some activities on Facebook meaning he was alive. Rational me wasn't worried. I knew his feelings for me and didn't have any things to worry about. I thought he might have troubles with getting connected. But the emotional me was concerned. Why no emails? Why the phone is not working? Why? Why? Why? Maybe, he doesn't want me anymore. Maybe, it's over. Thousands of thoughts. And then last night - an awful dream of us breaking up. I woke sort of relieved that it was just a dream but on the other hand pissed off that I had head full of stupid thoughts. There was no communication between rational me and emotional me. The latter one didn't want to listen to the former. It just cumulated all the confusions and negative theories in my head. Later, I got an email from him and chatted a bit on line. Of course, everything was totally fine. No need for worries as rational me was saying. Emotional me was a drama queen again.

Why is it happening? Why can't I "switch off" stupid emotions? Why can't I think and act reasonably? Maybe, it's the matter of practice? Do we have to insist on finding problems when so many things say we will not find them? Why do we attribute things like lack of emails for a few days to lack of love? It's all fucked up. I'm fucked up again. C'est le fuckin' moi!

Luckily, I won't be complaining too much. It's not happening so often. The miscommunication between rational me and emotional me is not the case every single day.

I will survive.

'and I am telling you I am going'

It was inevitable. After coming back I had to do it. I didn't want to but it was like a must. I don't want to tell you why I had to. Just believe me that I did have to do it. I was postponing the moment of finally doing the thing. Before, I came back to the country I was afraid of waking up some warm feelings. Luckily, my reversed-cultural shock was so huge and the way I hated my home country was so strong that I didn't feel like coming back to the past. But still... You can't imagine how difficult it was. I was waiting 1 month to do it. When I finally decided to do so I couldn't stop thinking of that. When the moment came, my legs became soft and I could barely walk. I was in a shopping mall trying to find a bench to sit on in order to do it. My heart was beating like crazy and my hands were shaking. And then finally, I did that. I dialed the number and... suddenly I hung up. I redialed it. That time he answered. He was so cold. I told him briefly that I just came back and then the main purpose of the call. Then he said:
-Is it the only reason that you're calling me?
-No, I would like to see you and talk to you after more than a year, but I'm just afraid you won't accept that.
Silence. I was waiting a while for the answer when I realized that he had hung up on me. I was trying to call him again but no answer. The same with texting him – no answer. So I deleted his number. I am over him and I am happy to cut off this 4,5 years of my life. No, not the whole period. Just him. I met too many wonderful people and I achieved so much within those years. I only cut off him.

At the point of breaking up, I was ready to believe that I can't be in any relationship anymore. Because I am too complicated and too fucked up. And it was him who made me believe that. And I am not. Luckily, I didn't have to wait too long to learn that about myself. The stupid belief that he started in me finished quickly. And I was also afraid that I would always make the same mistake, follow the same pattern and chose the same type of a guy (an asshole, saying simply). And this is bullshit too. Although I broke up twice last year after my first break up (summing the number of break-ups in 2007 to three... sad statistics) my two other boyfriends were not the same types of guys. They were different. And I'm still in touch with them. Our relations are healthy. And my relation with the 4,5 years boyfriend is not healthy. It doesn't exist but when it did hardly ever was it healthy.

I'm so over you. And even the song that we were listening to while making love is not bringing any memories of you. Before, it would remind me only of you. No, it's just a song that I really like because it's nice. Oh no sorry. It reminds me that I can be over my own past. The past that I want to erase. The past that I actually erased. Even if I remember things I will have no bad feeling in my stomach. It's like erased, isn't it?

is there a pink elephant in the room?

A few days ago I logged into Facebook and I saw some new photos uploaded by one of my friends from Morocco. She was quite open and used to describe herself with the word scandalous. She was a party animal. Intelligent, beautiful, open-minded. We have a common gay friend.

So the pics - the wedding, my friends, a traditional clothes and a traditional party... and the groom... who is gay... and just got married with a woman...

I was speechless. I saw the wedding of my gay friend. I still remember that during a swimming pool party that he threw for our friends he told me how one guy (that I know) had fucked him near that pool when his parents had been gone. And I saw a pic of another gay guy with whom I slept too. He was a wedding guest.

All of that was so disgusting to me.

Even when I found out that the girl is lesbian or bi, that they know about each other and that they agreed for that wedding to arrange everything so that they can do their stuff freely and have their separate lives whereas the marriage is just the cover - it's for the society. I understand why they did that (I lived there and I know the attitude towards gayness) but still I can't just accept that.

It's not the first time that I hear such a story but it was so shocking to see a friend taking part in that. I just didn't expect that.

There is so much hypocrisy in this country. The last weeks after I left it, I was only missing it. I didn't forget what I didn't like there but I just didn't have these bad thoughts anymore.

It's still very fucked up in many cases. I hope it will change gradually and soon...