It was inevitable. After coming back I had to do it. I didn't want to but it was like a must. I don't want to tell you why I had to. Just believe me that I did have to do it. I was postponing the moment of finally doing the thing. Before, I came back to the country I was afraid of waking up some warm feelings. Luckily, my reversed-cultural shock was so huge and the way I hated my home country was so strong that I didn't feel like coming back to the past. But still... You can't imagine how difficult it was. I was waiting 1 month to do it. When I finally decided to do so I couldn't stop thinking of that. When the moment came, my legs became soft and I could barely walk. I was in a shopping mall trying to find a bench to sit on in order to do it. My heart was beating like crazy and my hands were shaking. And then finally, I did that. I dialed the number and... suddenly I hung up. I redialed it. That time he answered. He was so cold. I told him briefly that I just came back and then the main purpose of the call. Then he said:
-Is it the only reason that you're calling me?
-No, I would like to see you and talk to you after more than a year, but I'm just afraid you won't accept that.
Silence. I was waiting a while for the answer when I realized that he had hung up on me. I was trying to call him again but no answer. The same with texting him – no answer. So I deleted his number. I am over him and I am happy to cut off this 4,5 years of my life. No, not the whole period. Just him. I met too many wonderful people and I achieved so much within those years. I only cut off him.
At the point of breaking up, I was ready to believe that I can't be in any relationship anymore. Because I am too complicated and too fucked up. And it was him who made me believe that. And I am not. Luckily, I didn't have to wait too long to learn that about myself. The stupid belief that he started in me finished quickly. And I was also afraid that I would always make the same mistake, follow the same pattern and chose the same type of a guy (an asshole, saying simply). And this is bullshit too. Although I broke up twice last year after my first break up (summing the number of break-ups in 2007 to three... sad statistics) my two other boyfriends were not the same types of guys. They were different. And I'm still in touch with them. Our relations are healthy. And my relation with the 4,5 years boyfriend is not healthy. It doesn't exist but when it did hardly ever was it healthy.
I'm so over you. And even the song that we were listening to while making love is not bringing any memories of you. Before, it would remind me only of you. No, it's just a song that I really like because it's nice. Oh no sorry. It reminds me that I can be over my own past. The past that I want to erase. The past that I actually erased. Even if I remember things I will have no bad feeling in my stomach. It's like erased, isn't it?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment