'you only live twice'

I do kind of live twice. 'Cause I am doubled. There are two me. One of me is rational, the other of me is very emotional. They both know about their existence but don't really listen to each other. What are the symptoms? Listen to the story.

James Bond went for a trip to Western Africa. I went to see my grandma before leaving for the capital of the Kingdom I will leave as of September. I didn't have Internet access for 4 days. I also (don't know why) can't send him text messages from my mobile. Our trip meant we couldn't stay in touch because he had limited access to Internet too. It was only possible thru emails - actually only for him because I was cut from all the civilized stuff such as Internet. I was ok with us being split for a few days with no possibility of any communication. But when I came back home I tried on calling him. His mobile was switched off. I had no emails from him. I only saw some activities on Facebook meaning he was alive. Rational me wasn't worried. I knew his feelings for me and didn't have any things to worry about. I thought he might have troubles with getting connected. But the emotional me was concerned. Why no emails? Why the phone is not working? Why? Why? Why? Maybe, he doesn't want me anymore. Maybe, it's over. Thousands of thoughts. And then last night - an awful dream of us breaking up. I woke sort of relieved that it was just a dream but on the other hand pissed off that I had head full of stupid thoughts. There was no communication between rational me and emotional me. The latter one didn't want to listen to the former. It just cumulated all the confusions and negative theories in my head. Later, I got an email from him and chatted a bit on line. Of course, everything was totally fine. No need for worries as rational me was saying. Emotional me was a drama queen again.

Why is it happening? Why can't I "switch off" stupid emotions? Why can't I think and act reasonably? Maybe, it's the matter of practice? Do we have to insist on finding problems when so many things say we will not find them? Why do we attribute things like lack of emails for a few days to lack of love? It's all fucked up. I'm fucked up again. C'est le fuckin' moi!

Luckily, I won't be complaining too much. It's not happening so often. The miscommunication between rational me and emotional me is not the case every single day.

I will survive.