back in the dirty games

New players in the game - it sounds pathetic I know. But I need to move on.

The week after we broke up I decided to go out and hook up with someone. I went to a gay bar but did not succeed in meeting anyone interesting. I went to another one where I bumped into some Dutch guys whom I had met a few months earlier when a friend of mine dragged me to go out to some gay places. Back then, I exchanged a few words and left home. Last week, the guy I had been speaking to was not there. There were just his friends who remembered me. They said I had impressed him and they asked what I felt about him. I hesitated to answer so they assumed I had liked him too. It was the truth as far as I remembered. So I told them to call him. They said he would not be able to come. So I gave my number to one of them and asked to pass it further to the other guy. He promised to do so.

But I was not ready to wait day(s) to be contacted by him. I liked his friend whom I had given my number. And I wanted to stay longer with him. We decided to finish the night. So we walked out and went toward his place. We did not plan that. Neither did we spoke about that. But I ended up in his apartment. I just did not want to stay at my place all by myself with my thoughts. He figured that out. He guessed I was in some sort of bad period of my life. So I stayed over. We were not planning to have sex but you know how it ends when two hot guys lie next to each other. It was nice. I left in the morning.

I saw him again a few days later. I went to his place. We talked more. I told him about my broken relationship, about my lost job and some confusions. But I also asked him about his relationships. He is 37 but he has never been with someone. I guess he is not a relationship person. He does not look for anyone. He said 'how can I commit to someone when I can't be committed to myself?' I guess that explains pretty much everything. He is just not that into anyone. I slept at his place again but that time we did not do anything. Apparently, it is not always that something has to happen between two guys sleeping next to each other. He just did not want to. A few days later, I was trying to get in touch with him but he did not seem interested in meeting up with me. So I decided to drop the idea of me and him seeing each other anymore. It is not that I was in love with him or that I was hoping for something. I am now in a post-break-up stage and feel like meeting up with some one purely for distraction purposes. I am leaving the city soon and so is he. We both know about it. I rather treat it all as expiration dating. Knowing that it will finish soon and accepting it but having fun especially to distract oneself.

I hope he is interested in that at least.

Tomorrow never dies

It has almost been three weeks since I am on the singles' market again. James and I have been in touch almost regularly. (Un)surprisingly, he, the person who hurt me so much, is the only one who could take me out of my misery. All my friends are fabulous and supportive. They speak about my break-up with me whenever I need and they give me good advice. However, this is only after skyping with James that I feel a lot better. Probably, only the person who hurts you so deeply is able to help you heal the wounds. None of your friends is capable of doing that.

During my conversations with James we tend to analyze the past and understand better what happened. They sometimes feel exactly as if we were still together. But the whole pressure and drama of moving together is gone. He was not ready for commitment. Or maybe for commitment to me. Or simply I am to blame for my negative attitude and lack of hope of ending up in one place.

Maybe it is better what happened in my life recently. Maybe the break-up was a blessing. My life was a mess and it was negatively influencing this relationship. He was fed up with that. It just shows I was probably not the one for him. He did not want to fight. Either for me or he simply has problems with commitment. Commitment to me for sure. To others? Who knows. Maybe.

But as for me. I guess I first need to be committed to myself and later I will let someone commit to me. I need to figure out where I want to live, what I want to do etc. As soon as I am reconciled with myself I am sure the love will come as well.

Of course, it will. I am smart, cute and funny. I am a catch. And I want to be in love. So there is no way I am not finding Mr Right. We are out there for each other.

Tomorrow died

I am single again. After a year of a relationship with James, it is definitely over. It is finished.

I have not written here for a while so I owe you some updates.

In March, when I came back from the city on the border of Asia and Europe where he lives, everything seemed bright. We prepared a list of potential countries where we would consider moving to. Despite some little clashes between us usually caused by being tired nothing was worrying. We decided that I would be the first to start looking for jobs abroad and he would follow me as soon as I found something. That seemed more logical as it would be easier to find a job for him with his qualifications, flexibility and plenty of opportunities.

But it was very difficult. I was sending hundreds of applications and no success was coming back to me. It was very frustrating and our skype conversation would be influenced by my bad mood more and more. In the meantime, I had further confusions regarding my professional life and its direction. Plus I was stressed by my studies. I was not an easy person to deal with.

By the end of April, we were supposed to give an answer to an offer we got from James' ex-boss. He wanted us both to go back to Northern Africa and teach English there. That offer was perfect for me. I would get great, initial experience in teaching, earn good money and live with James in a country that I enjoy so much. But he was not ready to go back. He wanted either to stay where he lives now or go some place else. Back then it was still four months to the day we would live together so I accepted his choice. He did not want to give up the search when it was still so much time. I was however disappointed. Due to the fact the he did not feel like going back to Northern Africa because of some personal reasons and animosities towards some aspects of that country and its people our relationship and our future were uncertain. And for me the worst was that I had to keep on searching and getting frustrated. Even though it hurt me a bit that he did not want to compromise I decided that it was going to be me who would compromise. So I carried on searching but I still kept being annoyed.

In the middle of the May, I went to see him again. The few days before going there were full of doubts and uncertainty. Just the night before leaving I found myself dancing with my friends in my favorite Thursday night spot 'Kingston' and thinking of going back to Northern Africa myself. The idea of living there again filled me with so much happiness and joy that I wondered why I put myself into that annoying process of finding a common country and investing in the relationship that had recently become so difficult. 

Full of the thoughts I went to see James. Two nights after dancing in Kingston I was standing with James on the rooftop of a posh restaurant somewhere on the hills of the city on the border between Europe and Asia. It was a warm night. The view was magnificent - the lights of the city on the European and Asian sides, the ships on the river and strait separating the big metropolis. I was leaning against the balustrade and admiring the picturesque view but my mind was exploding of thoughts. James came over next to me. I just said 'I am afraid it is not going to work out'. He replied 'don't give up yet, babe'. The next days were as usual amazing. Meeting up with friends, partying, sleeping together, traveling in the country. However, there were more fights and arguments. I blamed them on the difficult period for both of us and the uncertainty. The last day of our visit was great. No stress or worries. Just laying on the hills of the city and admiring the views while relaxing and enjoying the sun. He said 'despite all the stresses and worries I prefer to have you with all of them than live peacefully without them and without you'.

I left for home. I arrived and went to work the next day. I filled some applications. I also got the news from my company. They decided not to prolong my contract meaning I would not stay in Europe anymore. I felt relieved and scared. Scared because of uncertainty and relieved because I would not have to take the decision 'yes, I'm staying here'/'no, I'm leaving' in case they wanted to keep me. I called James and broke him the news. Before I had said that he noticed that I did not sound sad anymore. But when I told him the news he seemed to have got scared. As I was planning to go for a couple of days to the Northern Africa (a nostalgic return journey after a year) he suggested checking whether I could still take the job his ex-boss had offered us. But he only meant me coming back there and not himself. It disturbed me. I told him to think of that for a couple of days and let me know by the time I was there so that I could ask his ex-boss. The next day he told me he would not want to go back there.

I respected his decision and made my own - I would move to live with him in the city on the border of Europe and Asia. I called him on the day of leaving for my trip to Northern Africa and said that to him. I started crying from emotions 'babe, it is happening. After one year of planning we finally agreed on the country. I am moving to you and we will finally live together'! I was so happy. I thought he was happy too. I hanged up and got back to work being still excited about all the changes in my life. I announced the news to everyone. I had some fears and doubts but I wanted to try and see how it all would work out.

That evening I went to Southern Europe to spend some time with a friend of mine who lives there and the day after I flew to Northern Africa. I had no news from him during the whole day so I called him in the evening. His voice calmed me. But just for a few hours since there was no further news from him until the end of the day and on the next day. Just a small text message at night 'are you back home?'. I was surprised but luckily I was pretty drunk with my friends so I ignored it and replied something sweet and lovely. On the next day, I woke up with a hangover and started analyzing thoughts and messages. I kept changing the SIM cards to make sure he had not sent me any texts. There was nothing. A friend of mine who went to Northern Africa with me and I decided to do some sightseeing of the city. We ended up in the fortress where I was living during my last four months in the country. It was there that James was my neighbor and it was there that our relationship started. I was in the place full of great memories but I was very anxious. I kept looking at the mobile and switching the cards. No news. I decided to call. James answered but sounded very weird. He was very quiet and it seemed he did not want to tell me something. I pushed him and then the words of confusions and frustration flooded me. 'It is not going to work out. We have communication problems. We don't understand each other. We are on different pages in our lives...' And many more - each of them felt like a stab in my heart. After he was done I just summarized everything and added 'come on, say it, break up with me if you really believe in all what you said'. He did not say anything and I hanged up. I was speechless. I was with a friend of mine and I told her about everything. At that point I just could not believe in what had just happened. Luckily, all of my friends were very supportive. It did spoil my holidays but at least I did not have to deal with that at home in Europe where I would probably have to suffer myself in my room, in my bed. 

I called him two days later and just to confirm his final decision. I sent him two emails - one very full of love and emotion, the second one full of hate and despise. I removed his contacts from Facebook or Skype just to re-add them the next day. He was understanding about all the that but he did not change his mind.

It is over. It was almost a year. And now I am single. But I still have hope.

'from Asia/Europe with love' – part deux

It is high time to provide you with the news you have been waiting for – trip to the Asian-European country where James lives. All went fine – you may restart breathing – no points for worries. He even said it was the best of our meetings since the beginning of our relationship. I agree it was amazing and wonderful. There were also some stormy and difficult moments but I believe their negative power was either dispersed or transformed to a positive one. Not to make it sound so light and great, I need to admit that there are some things we both need to work on to make this relationship successful.

I arrived there on the last Friday of February and obviously was very excited to see him again. I walked or rather ran from the airport shuttle stop in the centre through the main pedestrian street almost losing my baggage and stumbling over people. Finally, I reached his house and apartment (fifth damn floor with twenty-something kilos of luggage in the suitcase). I fell into his arms and then we were in bed - the first night in two months together again.

On Saturday, he went to work while I hanged out at home, chatting with some friends, relaxing and actually cleaning his apartment. I guess I wanted to do something for him and make him happy. In the evening when we went out, our first tensions started. I was with one of his friends and his guests. They all knew each other pretty well while I felt quite out of the game with them together. I was annoyed and bored not being able to follow or participate in the conversation (it was not the language barrier). We came back home and I said how I felt. For the first time, in this relationship, I felt what the cultural (or maybe personalities?) differences meant.

On the next day, we flew to southern part of the country on the seaside. It was like a paradise - picturesque views, mountains, beaches, sea and us. Nevertheless, the trip was sometimes intense and tiring. It was when James became a bit grumpy and annoying. The situation happened a few times again (and it would happen on our previous meetings too). Afterwards, he would always apologize me and wonder why he would be become in that stupid way. He promised he would work on it. The same problem happened to me from time to time. It took place during a dinner on our last night before my departure. He said something that annoyed me a bit and I shouted on him. Later, he went home and I walked to say by to some friends of mine. I did not stay long. I came back home and apologized. He said he might not have deserved that for what he had said but he had deserved that for all the previous times when I ended up not saying anything.

Although, this kind of fights are not what I want in my relationship but the very good point is that we always talk about it and sincerely want to improve ourselves. And where there is the will and a plan, there is a high likelihood of a success.

One of the most important parts of my trip to Istanbul was that we finally decided to list all the places where we would like to go, work and live together. The list is pretty long, it is mutually agreed and still we are flexible to re-discuss the priorities.

Overall, tout va bien. The relationship is going very well and despite some small issues that we are working on there is nothing to worry about.

The future is bright.

'the one is not enough'

Human is a really awkward creature. While being the supreme creation of the evolution it is in fact very far from ideal. It has quite a (self-)destructive nature and somehow cannot often cope with adversities of its fate. Will the evolution fix these drawbacks within the next centuries or millenniums? Will it make it smarter, wiser and more intelligent? Will it enable it to live in peace with nature and the other human beings? Will it decrease the number of committed mistakes? Or most of all, will it ensure that a mistake made once is never repeated anymore? Ever? Because making a mistake may be in most cases acceptable but not learning from it and keeping to make them is far worse.

The same goes with our boyfriends or girlfriends. Once we realized that s/he was not the one, once we dumped him/her and got over the unsuccessful relationship, we often tend to fall for another person - who is actually the same person but just in a different 'outfit'.

In some sort of a mysterious way, we tend bump into the same kind of people. We meet them up, we play the same game, and we fall for them. It is often that we do not see how alike the person is to their predecessors. We believe we date different people but in fact we keep dating the same person(ality) who just happens to be in another body.

So a lot of has its own patterns. Guys who treat us like shit. Materialistic chicks who tend to go for guy's wealth and car. People who use us and seem to be close but in fact they just play their games. Girls who desperately need love and affection. There are thousands if not millions of patterns for both men and women. Many of us are just a simple example of a pattern.

Two of my flat mates confessed me recently that they could be only attracted to 'bad boys' - guys with difficult personalities, who play their games as long and often as possible in order to have fun. When the girls would lose interest after being perpetually rejected they guys would suddenly come back with his rarely shown attention and willingness to express affection. On the other side of the circle there are guys who are good. Too good for many girls. Last week, I went out with a friend of mine (K.). We went to an Irish pub where we bumped into their friend - a guy (L.) to whom I was introduced.

L. seemed a bit distant and cold to all the girls around so K. decided to ask him:

-'What is wrong with you? You are always a nice and a decent guy? Are you angry today?'

-'I am not a good boy anymore'

-'Why?' she demanded with a very surprised face.

-'Because girls do not like good boys. The want bad guys' I answered as if I was an oracle of relationships.

-'Exactly! Your new friend is very smart' said L. about me being surprised how fast I discovered his true intentions.

-'This is not truth' K. was trying to defend her theory 'You are always surrounded by plenties of girls!'

-'This is the truth' I added as if I had all the knowledge of the world in my exclusive possession 'because girls like to be friends and confidents with good boys - however, there is never anything happening between them.'

L. was still astonished by how easily I read him and his actions but he confirmed that it was all right. (After watching all the episodes of SATC no way can I be wrong...)

I am not an exception. I have witnessed so common patterns most of my ex (and James as well!) share. This was not a safe thing to discover.

If you look at the guy I met once upon a time when I first went to European/Asian country and fell in love with him or at my ex from North Africa to whom I said yes after a few weeks (days?) of dating, you will see how alike those relations were. They were both guys who seemed straight - not only visually but also they had a lot straight-guys' behaviors (i.e. watching football). They did not have too many gay experiences, they were open about their gayness but only to few people. Each of them was pretty much kind, nice and good. Never toxic, jealous or angry. The type you usually do not argue with. Unfortunately, they also had more negative features. Although they were times when they were clearly into me, generally they were not relationship guys. They would never think of the future and they treated relationship as a mean to have some fun and entertainment. I was, on the other hand, more committed and more serious while they were reluctant to speak about next months and places or simply they would not have this concept in their heads.

And then the most scary question - does James fit to described pattern...? 

Yes and no. He also looks and behaves straight. He is also very kind and gentle. On the contrary, sometimes he can be angry and annoying. He is not normally jealous as he trusts me. But I know it would not be a good idea to cheat on him as this would cause a lot of troubles to our relationship. Luckily for me, he is willing to talk about the future and in fact the clear plans for the next months are already established and right now, it is the implementation phase that is taking place. He is caring and I know he is into this relationship. But... as there is many similarities between him and the others especially with regard to positive aspects I am afraid there will be more similarities in the negative ones. Yes, I am afraid that despite what I know he feels for me I am more into this relationship than he is. I am afraid that one day he will dump me because he will realize I am an obstacle in his plans to travel and live around the world. He will just say 'it's not you, it's me - I just feel like spending more time with myself and traveling wherever I want'. We spoke about all that last night and he assured me I had nothing to worry about.

Maybe he is right and I am simply exaggerating, or maybe I just have a very good sixth sense and I keep denying the obvious signals from the surroundings (that was already a case several times with my exes) - will I know that? Maybe later I will. I do not know that now for sure. And I should not focus on that too much. All in all, being objective, this is the sanest and the best relationship I have ever had. It is just my nature to think too much and question things. I do not think I will change it easily in myself. I just need to accept myself the way I am and the way I deal with certain things. I might be always coming up with this kind of stuff - questions, doubts and insecurities. I guess you can always find something what makes you uncertain (or what you make look dangerous while in fact it is not).

And I will assure and do all my best in order to break the fatal pattern.

This time it will be different.

'license to love'

One of my good friends has recently fallen in love. She was literally struck with the feelings. It all happened faster than being struck by a lightening.

I saw her on the week prior to my departure to Asian-European country. Then when I returned I did not hear from here. Having been back in the city for a couple of days and not having known what she was up to I decided to give her a call.

I dial her number while driving my car and await her answer. After a few seconds she is there. A weird voice. I ask ‘hey, how are you? What’s new?’ Her voice is different than ever before. She does not speak fast as usual and she seems not to care about anything. ‘Is she daydreaming?’ I ask myself. She just says that a lot of thing happened and a lot changed. It all sounds very mysterious. She confesses she met a man. No more details are given to me.

On the next day I meet up with her in an Italian restaurant near her office. I start listening…

In the middle of the week when I was with James she went for an exhibition with a dinner at the Macedonian Embassy. She went there with her date – a guy with whom she had started meeting earlier. She was pretty interested in him but he was not that into her. They kept going out together but it was nothing promising. During the dinner a lot of red wine was served so it got her a bit dizzy. While she was wandering among the exhibits admiring their newly discovered beauty (thanks to the extra amount of the red) she bumped into the guy (that was probably also thanks to the red). They immediately connected talking about… well, she was not able to remember what they talked about. She just remembered the feeling and the connection. Later, no one knows why, the guy needed to get a pack of cigarettes. She volunteered to accompany him. Her friends told her later that it had taken quite a while to buy them and be back. She did not realize it had been that long. The guy took her number and called her a few days later. She was very reluctant to see him again but she gave in having seen how cutely pushy he kept being. They spent wonderful moments together. They started planning May in Mallorca and June in Greece. Things went fast. From the beginning they were very honest with each other. She told her she was in the middle of the preparation for divorce. He told her his life was full of many short stories of which one resulted in a ten-year old girl. But it did not change anything. They have a wonderful connection. They are both madly in love and they both want a stable and amazing relationship. They feel they can achieve that together.

In the meantime, the guy whom she went for the exhibition with phoned her. She just unceremoniously dumped him. He was speechless. He asked ‘does that that mean you kept fooling me all the time and never felt anything even when you were saying all the I-love-yous to me?’ ‘It must be it’ she replied. She did not care about the guy that had been playing a hard-to-get one before and of whose feelings she was not sure. She had never done something like this before but she was absolutely sure it was right. In the end, she was falling in love! She could not sleep. She was not focused at work. She could not participate in a training as she did not remember anything afterwards. Not so difficult to understand as all the time she was looking through the window or at the ceiling.

Having finished the story she anticipates me that her lover-boy will pick her up so that they can have a dinner together. I will meet him and I need to give her my opinion. In a few minutes he arrives. Quite handsome guy, a funny type who makes people laugh. Not boring but smart – a perfect mix. He says he has just seen his doctor and got his examinations results. His health condition is fine. The scene I observe reminds me of a SATC when a guy says ‘before you start dating a girl you need to show your left hand, ID card, bank account statement and blood test’. When the guy is at the bar buying a drink she admits he did that for her and brought the result here on purpose although she had never asked for that. She says it means that he cares. Later, she asks me for my opinion and before I say anything she looks at me as if was an oracle. She admits a good friend’s opinion is very important to her and I am the first to judge him. The guys is cute and seems smart, funny and caring. I say he is great and she seems even happier and more relieved.

I call her today. I ask whether they had a great weekend. I want to know whether he inquired some details about me. She says he just wanted to know what I had said the other day and whether he passed the test. Another point in favor - the guy is not stupid.

He passed the test. I granted him the license.
License to love.

'relationships are forever'

If you remember how I met James you are perfectly allowed to say that the level of the effectiveness of my gay-radar is very low. On the day when it all began between us I ignored a couple of factors that should have led me to the conclusion of him being gay much earlier.

However, the people grow as the years pass by. They develop, improve and become better day by day (or at least this is the theory). I believe I have mastered this theory and put it into practice. I was just very successful in suspecting someone being a gay, then discovering the truth and realizing I had been right.

A few months ago my gay-radar said that one of the guys at my office was gay. He would inquire a few times about me. Then sometimes I would see him a bit nervous when around me. Several times he would act a bit silly. He would also smile in this sweet, intimidated way. I was sure he was gay. 

Couple of times I used the opportunity of a lunch together to discover whether I was right. No luck. Then, there was a company socializing event where many people got drunk in a club. I was about to speak to him for a while but a moment later another guy showed up and there was no possibility of a decent conversation without witnesses. 

But everything was confirmed two days ago. Around noon I came downstairs to the canteen and having chosen the dish I took the only free place that happened to be next to the guy. He, knowing I was on holidays, asked me how it had gone and whether I had enjoyed being in my home country. I said I had not been in my country but in the country on the border of Europe and Asia (to see James but I did not reveal that yet). He just asked me how I liked it and then did not continue the conversation. But I was too smart to lose such a good moment to discover the truth about him. I knew that if I had started talking why I had been there I would have had to say the real reason - visiting my boyfriend. So I quickly manipulated the conversation and made it go my way. Having been asked by him a standard and dull question 'did you like your holidays?' I answered 'yes, it was cool but the city I saw was a bit boring to me as I know it quite well - it was my third time there'. He seemed surprised and asked me why I was going there so often or whether I had some friends there. That was the questions I had been expecting. The guy got into my trap. I asked 'no, I went there to visit my boyfriend'. On his face, I noticed the tiny ray of surprise, embarrassment and insincere but somewhat politely forced understanding. Then he wanted to know some more details about my relationship but it was just a routine enquiry. Now, the floor was mine. It was my time for offensive. I posted the inevitable question. The one I had been planning to ask and for which I had prepared the ground by performing the aforementioned manipulation. 'And you? Are you with someone? Do you have a girlfriend?' the words came out of my mouth. Of course I was expecting not to hear anything of any girls. And so was his response. 'I have a boyfriend' he said 'he's of the same origins as me, we have been together for eight years and now we live together as last year we bought a flat. He works in a bank abroad but as the country is tiny he commutes every day' he kept answering my consecutive questions.

The feeling of a victory was mostly caused by the fact the guy did not look like a stereotypical guy. I just felt it by being close to him during some moments at work. I just sensed that he was gay. It was hard to tell by seeing him but easy to feel without looking. However, the sense of a victory got, sort of, swept away. Yes, it is was nice to feel that I had been right all the time and than he, in fact, was gay. But what I rather felt was the envy. Maybe from my perspective their lives are quite boring. They had settled down very deeply - bought a flat, both have boring jobs and live in a hardly exciting city. But who cares? I assume they are happy with what they have - a nice and decent life, stable careers, convenient place to live and most of all - themselves. For eight years. When I had heard it I realized how little experience James and I had. Our relationship is just a couple of months... most of all has been long distance. We did not have a lot of time to get to know each other...

I called James later that day to break the news. I also told him I had admired the fact they had been together for eight years. Keeping in mind that we had less than one year together he just said 'well baby, seven more to go and we will be able to say eight!'

And as of the coming fall - together in one country, city and apartment.

We are working on it right now. Very hard.