'from Asia/Europe with love' – part deux

It is high time to provide you with the news you have been waiting for – trip to the Asian-European country where James lives. All went fine – you may restart breathing – no points for worries. He even said it was the best of our meetings since the beginning of our relationship. I agree it was amazing and wonderful. There were also some stormy and difficult moments but I believe their negative power was either dispersed or transformed to a positive one. Not to make it sound so light and great, I need to admit that there are some things we both need to work on to make this relationship successful.

I arrived there on the last Friday of February and obviously was very excited to see him again. I walked or rather ran from the airport shuttle stop in the centre through the main pedestrian street almost losing my baggage and stumbling over people. Finally, I reached his house and apartment (fifth damn floor with twenty-something kilos of luggage in the suitcase). I fell into his arms and then we were in bed - the first night in two months together again.

On Saturday, he went to work while I hanged out at home, chatting with some friends, relaxing and actually cleaning his apartment. I guess I wanted to do something for him and make him happy. In the evening when we went out, our first tensions started. I was with one of his friends and his guests. They all knew each other pretty well while I felt quite out of the game with them together. I was annoyed and bored not being able to follow or participate in the conversation (it was not the language barrier). We came back home and I said how I felt. For the first time, in this relationship, I felt what the cultural (or maybe personalities?) differences meant.

On the next day, we flew to southern part of the country on the seaside. It was like a paradise - picturesque views, mountains, beaches, sea and us. Nevertheless, the trip was sometimes intense and tiring. It was when James became a bit grumpy and annoying. The situation happened a few times again (and it would happen on our previous meetings too). Afterwards, he would always apologize me and wonder why he would be become in that stupid way. He promised he would work on it. The same problem happened to me from time to time. It took place during a dinner on our last night before my departure. He said something that annoyed me a bit and I shouted on him. Later, he went home and I walked to say by to some friends of mine. I did not stay long. I came back home and apologized. He said he might not have deserved that for what he had said but he had deserved that for all the previous times when I ended up not saying anything.

Although, this kind of fights are not what I want in my relationship but the very good point is that we always talk about it and sincerely want to improve ourselves. And where there is the will and a plan, there is a high likelihood of a success.

One of the most important parts of my trip to Istanbul was that we finally decided to list all the places where we would like to go, work and live together. The list is pretty long, it is mutually agreed and still we are flexible to re-discuss the priorities.

Overall, tout va bien. The relationship is going very well and despite some small issues that we are working on there is nothing to worry about.

The future is bright.

'the one is not enough'

Human is a really awkward creature. While being the supreme creation of the evolution it is in fact very far from ideal. It has quite a (self-)destructive nature and somehow cannot often cope with adversities of its fate. Will the evolution fix these drawbacks within the next centuries or millenniums? Will it make it smarter, wiser and more intelligent? Will it enable it to live in peace with nature and the other human beings? Will it decrease the number of committed mistakes? Or most of all, will it ensure that a mistake made once is never repeated anymore? Ever? Because making a mistake may be in most cases acceptable but not learning from it and keeping to make them is far worse.

The same goes with our boyfriends or girlfriends. Once we realized that s/he was not the one, once we dumped him/her and got over the unsuccessful relationship, we often tend to fall for another person - who is actually the same person but just in a different 'outfit'.

In some sort of a mysterious way, we tend bump into the same kind of people. We meet them up, we play the same game, and we fall for them. It is often that we do not see how alike the person is to their predecessors. We believe we date different people but in fact we keep dating the same person(ality) who just happens to be in another body.

So a lot of has its own patterns. Guys who treat us like shit. Materialistic chicks who tend to go for guy's wealth and car. People who use us and seem to be close but in fact they just play their games. Girls who desperately need love and affection. There are thousands if not millions of patterns for both men and women. Many of us are just a simple example of a pattern.

Two of my flat mates confessed me recently that they could be only attracted to 'bad boys' - guys with difficult personalities, who play their games as long and often as possible in order to have fun. When the girls would lose interest after being perpetually rejected they guys would suddenly come back with his rarely shown attention and willingness to express affection. On the other side of the circle there are guys who are good. Too good for many girls. Last week, I went out with a friend of mine (K.). We went to an Irish pub where we bumped into their friend - a guy (L.) to whom I was introduced.

L. seemed a bit distant and cold to all the girls around so K. decided to ask him:

-'What is wrong with you? You are always a nice and a decent guy? Are you angry today?'

-'I am not a good boy anymore'

-'Why?' she demanded with a very surprised face.

-'Because girls do not like good boys. The want bad guys' I answered as if I was an oracle of relationships.

-'Exactly! Your new friend is very smart' said L. about me being surprised how fast I discovered his true intentions.

-'This is not truth' K. was trying to defend her theory 'You are always surrounded by plenties of girls!'

-'This is the truth' I added as if I had all the knowledge of the world in my exclusive possession 'because girls like to be friends and confidents with good boys - however, there is never anything happening between them.'

L. was still astonished by how easily I read him and his actions but he confirmed that it was all right. (After watching all the episodes of SATC no way can I be wrong...)

I am not an exception. I have witnessed so common patterns most of my ex (and James as well!) share. This was not a safe thing to discover.

If you look at the guy I met once upon a time when I first went to European/Asian country and fell in love with him or at my ex from North Africa to whom I said yes after a few weeks (days?) of dating, you will see how alike those relations were. They were both guys who seemed straight - not only visually but also they had a lot straight-guys' behaviors (i.e. watching football). They did not have too many gay experiences, they were open about their gayness but only to few people. Each of them was pretty much kind, nice and good. Never toxic, jealous or angry. The type you usually do not argue with. Unfortunately, they also had more negative features. Although they were times when they were clearly into me, generally they were not relationship guys. They would never think of the future and they treated relationship as a mean to have some fun and entertainment. I was, on the other hand, more committed and more serious while they were reluctant to speak about next months and places or simply they would not have this concept in their heads.

And then the most scary question - does James fit to described pattern...? 

Yes and no. He also looks and behaves straight. He is also very kind and gentle. On the contrary, sometimes he can be angry and annoying. He is not normally jealous as he trusts me. But I know it would not be a good idea to cheat on him as this would cause a lot of troubles to our relationship. Luckily for me, he is willing to talk about the future and in fact the clear plans for the next months are already established and right now, it is the implementation phase that is taking place. He is caring and I know he is into this relationship. But... as there is many similarities between him and the others especially with regard to positive aspects I am afraid there will be more similarities in the negative ones. Yes, I am afraid that despite what I know he feels for me I am more into this relationship than he is. I am afraid that one day he will dump me because he will realize I am an obstacle in his plans to travel and live around the world. He will just say 'it's not you, it's me - I just feel like spending more time with myself and traveling wherever I want'. We spoke about all that last night and he assured me I had nothing to worry about.

Maybe he is right and I am simply exaggerating, or maybe I just have a very good sixth sense and I keep denying the obvious signals from the surroundings (that was already a case several times with my exes) - will I know that? Maybe later I will. I do not know that now for sure. And I should not focus on that too much. All in all, being objective, this is the sanest and the best relationship I have ever had. It is just my nature to think too much and question things. I do not think I will change it easily in myself. I just need to accept myself the way I am and the way I deal with certain things. I might be always coming up with this kind of stuff - questions, doubts and insecurities. I guess you can always find something what makes you uncertain (or what you make look dangerous while in fact it is not).

And I will assure and do all my best in order to break the fatal pattern.

This time it will be different.

'license to love'

One of my good friends has recently fallen in love. She was literally struck with the feelings. It all happened faster than being struck by a lightening.

I saw her on the week prior to my departure to Asian-European country. Then when I returned I did not hear from here. Having been back in the city for a couple of days and not having known what she was up to I decided to give her a call.

I dial her number while driving my car and await her answer. After a few seconds she is there. A weird voice. I ask ‘hey, how are you? What’s new?’ Her voice is different than ever before. She does not speak fast as usual and she seems not to care about anything. ‘Is she daydreaming?’ I ask myself. She just says that a lot of thing happened and a lot changed. It all sounds very mysterious. She confesses she met a man. No more details are given to me.

On the next day I meet up with her in an Italian restaurant near her office. I start listening…

In the middle of the week when I was with James she went for an exhibition with a dinner at the Macedonian Embassy. She went there with her date – a guy with whom she had started meeting earlier. She was pretty interested in him but he was not that into her. They kept going out together but it was nothing promising. During the dinner a lot of red wine was served so it got her a bit dizzy. While she was wandering among the exhibits admiring their newly discovered beauty (thanks to the extra amount of the red) she bumped into the guy (that was probably also thanks to the red). They immediately connected talking about… well, she was not able to remember what they talked about. She just remembered the feeling and the connection. Later, no one knows why, the guy needed to get a pack of cigarettes. She volunteered to accompany him. Her friends told her later that it had taken quite a while to buy them and be back. She did not realize it had been that long. The guy took her number and called her a few days later. She was very reluctant to see him again but she gave in having seen how cutely pushy he kept being. They spent wonderful moments together. They started planning May in Mallorca and June in Greece. Things went fast. From the beginning they were very honest with each other. She told her she was in the middle of the preparation for divorce. He told her his life was full of many short stories of which one resulted in a ten-year old girl. But it did not change anything. They have a wonderful connection. They are both madly in love and they both want a stable and amazing relationship. They feel they can achieve that together.

In the meantime, the guy whom she went for the exhibition with phoned her. She just unceremoniously dumped him. He was speechless. He asked ‘does that that mean you kept fooling me all the time and never felt anything even when you were saying all the I-love-yous to me?’ ‘It must be it’ she replied. She did not care about the guy that had been playing a hard-to-get one before and of whose feelings she was not sure. She had never done something like this before but she was absolutely sure it was right. In the end, she was falling in love! She could not sleep. She was not focused at work. She could not participate in a training as she did not remember anything afterwards. Not so difficult to understand as all the time she was looking through the window or at the ceiling.

Having finished the story she anticipates me that her lover-boy will pick her up so that they can have a dinner together. I will meet him and I need to give her my opinion. In a few minutes he arrives. Quite handsome guy, a funny type who makes people laugh. Not boring but smart – a perfect mix. He says he has just seen his doctor and got his examinations results. His health condition is fine. The scene I observe reminds me of a SATC when a guy says ‘before you start dating a girl you need to show your left hand, ID card, bank account statement and blood test’. When the guy is at the bar buying a drink she admits he did that for her and brought the result here on purpose although she had never asked for that. She says it means that he cares. Later, she asks me for my opinion and before I say anything she looks at me as if was an oracle. She admits a good friend’s opinion is very important to her and I am the first to judge him. The guys is cute and seems smart, funny and caring. I say he is great and she seems even happier and more relieved.

I call her today. I ask whether they had a great weekend. I want to know whether he inquired some details about me. She says he just wanted to know what I had said the other day and whether he passed the test. Another point in favor - the guy is not stupid.

He passed the test. I granted him the license.
License to love.

'relationships are forever'

If you remember how I met James you are perfectly allowed to say that the level of the effectiveness of my gay-radar is very low. On the day when it all began between us I ignored a couple of factors that should have led me to the conclusion of him being gay much earlier.

However, the people grow as the years pass by. They develop, improve and become better day by day (or at least this is the theory). I believe I have mastered this theory and put it into practice. I was just very successful in suspecting someone being a gay, then discovering the truth and realizing I had been right.

A few months ago my gay-radar said that one of the guys at my office was gay. He would inquire a few times about me. Then sometimes I would see him a bit nervous when around me. Several times he would act a bit silly. He would also smile in this sweet, intimidated way. I was sure he was gay. 

Couple of times I used the opportunity of a lunch together to discover whether I was right. No luck. Then, there was a company socializing event where many people got drunk in a club. I was about to speak to him for a while but a moment later another guy showed up and there was no possibility of a decent conversation without witnesses. 

But everything was confirmed two days ago. Around noon I came downstairs to the canteen and having chosen the dish I took the only free place that happened to be next to the guy. He, knowing I was on holidays, asked me how it had gone and whether I had enjoyed being in my home country. I said I had not been in my country but in the country on the border of Europe and Asia (to see James but I did not reveal that yet). He just asked me how I liked it and then did not continue the conversation. But I was too smart to lose such a good moment to discover the truth about him. I knew that if I had started talking why I had been there I would have had to say the real reason - visiting my boyfriend. So I quickly manipulated the conversation and made it go my way. Having been asked by him a standard and dull question 'did you like your holidays?' I answered 'yes, it was cool but the city I saw was a bit boring to me as I know it quite well - it was my third time there'. He seemed surprised and asked me why I was going there so often or whether I had some friends there. That was the questions I had been expecting. The guy got into my trap. I asked 'no, I went there to visit my boyfriend'. On his face, I noticed the tiny ray of surprise, embarrassment and insincere but somewhat politely forced understanding. Then he wanted to know some more details about my relationship but it was just a routine enquiry. Now, the floor was mine. It was my time for offensive. I posted the inevitable question. The one I had been planning to ask and for which I had prepared the ground by performing the aforementioned manipulation. 'And you? Are you with someone? Do you have a girlfriend?' the words came out of my mouth. Of course I was expecting not to hear anything of any girls. And so was his response. 'I have a boyfriend' he said 'he's of the same origins as me, we have been together for eight years and now we live together as last year we bought a flat. He works in a bank abroad but as the country is tiny he commutes every day' he kept answering my consecutive questions.

The feeling of a victory was mostly caused by the fact the guy did not look like a stereotypical guy. I just felt it by being close to him during some moments at work. I just sensed that he was gay. It was hard to tell by seeing him but easy to feel without looking. However, the sense of a victory got, sort of, swept away. Yes, it is was nice to feel that I had been right all the time and than he, in fact, was gay. But what I rather felt was the envy. Maybe from my perspective their lives are quite boring. They had settled down very deeply - bought a flat, both have boring jobs and live in a hardly exciting city. But who cares? I assume they are happy with what they have - a nice and decent life, stable careers, convenient place to live and most of all - themselves. For eight years. When I had heard it I realized how little experience James and I had. Our relationship is just a couple of months... most of all has been long distance. We did not have a lot of time to get to know each other...

I called James later that day to break the news. I also told him I had admired the fact they had been together for eight years. Keeping in mind that we had less than one year together he just said 'well baby, seven more to go and we will be able to say eight!'

And as of the coming fall - together in one country, city and apartment.

We are working on it right now. Very hard.