Who I really am - part deux

My gmail account enlightened me again with its insightful ideas expressed via adsense ads (ads adjusted to you according to the content of your emails).

A friend of mine and I exchanged a few emails regarding our past break-ups and the first thing I saw next to our conversation was:

'Discover and prove a love affair!

A wire-tapping device of computer conversations - easy in use and discreet.'

Well, that time gmail was not that genius. I would rather expect to see something like:

'An asshole-discovering device. Make sure the guy you are dating is not an asshole.'

or

'A device measuring the willingness to commit. Easy in use, cheap and practical. Learn in five minutes whether your boyfriend has commitment issues and break up before you badly get hurt.'

Let's pray scientists invent it one day. I am the first to buy.

the dirty games

When the Dutch guy blew me off by saying 'tonight I am tired, tomorrow I am busy, then I have some friends and afterwards I am traveling' I was smart enough to admit that he was just not that into me. I decided to go out and have fun with someone else. If you know what I mean.

I went to a random gay bar. Right after I entered the place, I established an eye connection with a nice guy. We started talking but as it was quite loud we walked outside. He had a horny look and was shaking even though it was warm outside. He placed his hand on my shoulder and started kissing me. I did not object until I felt his hand going down. 'Not on the street' I shouted and backed out. We started to talk but somehow I could barely understand the guy. His English was fine but I was just not able to get what he was trying to tell me. He was still shaking. I said to him 'It was nice to meet you. Call me tomorrow' and I tried to get back to the club. He attempted to stop me but after a few seconds I managed to get inside (inside the club). He followed me and did not understand I had no desire whatsoever to interact with him. I stayed in the club and pretended he was not there until he left around twenty minutes later. I was relieved but also pissed off that I had to waste my time to deal with that kind of a person.

I left the place with a sense of lack of a conquest. I went to another place but found no one interesting there (and I was not found by anyone either) so I changed the bar again. There, I saw some guys looking at me but none of the was of any interest to me. I sat by the bar drinking the wine. I must have looked slightly pathetic being there on my own, drinking and looking around in order to check the guys out. After almost an hour I established an eye connection with a random guy. He was not exactly my type but 'what the hell?' I thought. I did not want to leave alone. I sat next to him and we started talking. He called me an angel (looking at my wavy/curly hair) but also said there had to be a devil inside me. Angel & devil? - what a cheesy crap, isn't it? We started kissing. He said he would have to leave me to pick up his friend from the train station. He promised to call me in about half an hour. I decided to wait for him. But as I stayed there on my own, without anyone and completely fragile, a new person got interested in me. A local guy from the very South-Eastern remote part of the country. He was thirty-seven but behaved as if he was a teenager. He was a make-up artist, had very beautiful eyes and sweet lips. As tall as me and muscular. A perfect type of mine. In the meantime, the previous guy called but I did not answer. I texted him later saying I was sorry but I did not feel like waiting for him so I had left. Before I realized the second guy and I were on the way to my place. We arrived there and I put newly washed bed sheets. We had sex. Physically, it was not bad. Then we slept together. He was snoring horribly. In the morning, he would wake up and starting talking loudly on the phone (with his friend and later his mother to ensure her he was fine), smoking cigarettes in my room (which I never allow), walking from the room to the toilet, being noisy and annoying. I was praying he would leave. I told him I had to go to work and we left. I drove him back to the center as he had requested me to do so.

It was not about bad sex. I did like it. However, I did not enjoy it because it was too random. I cannot have casual sex anymore and then just have a thoughtless head. Especially when it is with someone with whom I have no intellectual connection whatsoever.

I decided not to have this kind of sex anymore. Going out with a pure intention of picking up someone in nasty gay bars full of uninteresting guys wanting to get laid is not for me anymore. If I am to meet someone I want it to happen naturally. Starting from a conversation and a mutual connection. Then things can happen if they are meant to happen.

When I drove the guy to the center and returned home afterwards, I immediately changed the bed sheets again and opened the window. I desperately needed to get rid of the smell of his perfumes and cigarettes. The fresh air came quickly. But it was not that easy to erase the memories of the previous night.

back in the dirty games

New players in the game - it sounds pathetic I know. But I need to move on.

The week after we broke up I decided to go out and hook up with someone. I went to a gay bar but did not succeed in meeting anyone interesting. I went to another one where I bumped into some Dutch guys whom I had met a few months earlier when a friend of mine dragged me to go out to some gay places. Back then, I exchanged a few words and left home. Last week, the guy I had been speaking to was not there. There were just his friends who remembered me. They said I had impressed him and they asked what I felt about him. I hesitated to answer so they assumed I had liked him too. It was the truth as far as I remembered. So I told them to call him. They said he would not be able to come. So I gave my number to one of them and asked to pass it further to the other guy. He promised to do so.

But I was not ready to wait day(s) to be contacted by him. I liked his friend whom I had given my number. And I wanted to stay longer with him. We decided to finish the night. So we walked out and went toward his place. We did not plan that. Neither did we spoke about that. But I ended up in his apartment. I just did not want to stay at my place all by myself with my thoughts. He figured that out. He guessed I was in some sort of bad period of my life. So I stayed over. We were not planning to have sex but you know how it ends when two hot guys lie next to each other. It was nice. I left in the morning.

I saw him again a few days later. I went to his place. We talked more. I told him about my broken relationship, about my lost job and some confusions. But I also asked him about his relationships. He is 37 but he has never been with someone. I guess he is not a relationship person. He does not look for anyone. He said 'how can I commit to someone when I can't be committed to myself?' I guess that explains pretty much everything. He is just not that into anyone. I slept at his place again but that time we did not do anything. Apparently, it is not always that something has to happen between two guys sleeping next to each other. He just did not want to. A few days later, I was trying to get in touch with him but he did not seem interested in meeting up with me. So I decided to drop the idea of me and him seeing each other anymore. It is not that I was in love with him or that I was hoping for something. I am now in a post-break-up stage and feel like meeting up with some one purely for distraction purposes. I am leaving the city soon and so is he. We both know about it. I rather treat it all as expiration dating. Knowing that it will finish soon and accepting it but having fun especially to distract oneself.

I hope he is interested in that at least.

Tomorrow never dies

It has almost been three weeks since I am on the singles' market again. James and I have been in touch almost regularly. (Un)surprisingly, he, the person who hurt me so much, is the only one who could take me out of my misery. All my friends are fabulous and supportive. They speak about my break-up with me whenever I need and they give me good advice. However, this is only after skyping with James that I feel a lot better. Probably, only the person who hurts you so deeply is able to help you heal the wounds. None of your friends is capable of doing that.

During my conversations with James we tend to analyze the past and understand better what happened. They sometimes feel exactly as if we were still together. But the whole pressure and drama of moving together is gone. He was not ready for commitment. Or maybe for commitment to me. Or simply I am to blame for my negative attitude and lack of hope of ending up in one place.

Maybe it is better what happened in my life recently. Maybe the break-up was a blessing. My life was a mess and it was negatively influencing this relationship. He was fed up with that. It just shows I was probably not the one for him. He did not want to fight. Either for me or he simply has problems with commitment. Commitment to me for sure. To others? Who knows. Maybe.

But as for me. I guess I first need to be committed to myself and later I will let someone commit to me. I need to figure out where I want to live, what I want to do etc. As soon as I am reconciled with myself I am sure the love will come as well.

Of course, it will. I am smart, cute and funny. I am a catch. And I want to be in love. So there is no way I am not finding Mr Right. We are out there for each other.

Tomorrow died

I am single again. After a year of a relationship with James, it is definitely over. It is finished.

I have not written here for a while so I owe you some updates.

In March, when I came back from the city on the border of Asia and Europe where he lives, everything seemed bright. We prepared a list of potential countries where we would consider moving to. Despite some little clashes between us usually caused by being tired nothing was worrying. We decided that I would be the first to start looking for jobs abroad and he would follow me as soon as I found something. That seemed more logical as it would be easier to find a job for him with his qualifications, flexibility and plenty of opportunities.

But it was very difficult. I was sending hundreds of applications and no success was coming back to me. It was very frustrating and our skype conversation would be influenced by my bad mood more and more. In the meantime, I had further confusions regarding my professional life and its direction. Plus I was stressed by my studies. I was not an easy person to deal with.

By the end of April, we were supposed to give an answer to an offer we got from James' ex-boss. He wanted us both to go back to Northern Africa and teach English there. That offer was perfect for me. I would get great, initial experience in teaching, earn good money and live with James in a country that I enjoy so much. But he was not ready to go back. He wanted either to stay where he lives now or go some place else. Back then it was still four months to the day we would live together so I accepted his choice. He did not want to give up the search when it was still so much time. I was however disappointed. Due to the fact the he did not feel like going back to Northern Africa because of some personal reasons and animosities towards some aspects of that country and its people our relationship and our future were uncertain. And for me the worst was that I had to keep on searching and getting frustrated. Even though it hurt me a bit that he did not want to compromise I decided that it was going to be me who would compromise. So I carried on searching but I still kept being annoyed.

In the middle of the May, I went to see him again. The few days before going there were full of doubts and uncertainty. Just the night before leaving I found myself dancing with my friends in my favorite Thursday night spot 'Kingston' and thinking of going back to Northern Africa myself. The idea of living there again filled me with so much happiness and joy that I wondered why I put myself into that annoying process of finding a common country and investing in the relationship that had recently become so difficult. 

Full of the thoughts I went to see James. Two nights after dancing in Kingston I was standing with James on the rooftop of a posh restaurant somewhere on the hills of the city on the border between Europe and Asia. It was a warm night. The view was magnificent - the lights of the city on the European and Asian sides, the ships on the river and strait separating the big metropolis. I was leaning against the balustrade and admiring the picturesque view but my mind was exploding of thoughts. James came over next to me. I just said 'I am afraid it is not going to work out'. He replied 'don't give up yet, babe'. The next days were as usual amazing. Meeting up with friends, partying, sleeping together, traveling in the country. However, there were more fights and arguments. I blamed them on the difficult period for both of us and the uncertainty. The last day of our visit was great. No stress or worries. Just laying on the hills of the city and admiring the views while relaxing and enjoying the sun. He said 'despite all the stresses and worries I prefer to have you with all of them than live peacefully without them and without you'.

I left for home. I arrived and went to work the next day. I filled some applications. I also got the news from my company. They decided not to prolong my contract meaning I would not stay in Europe anymore. I felt relieved and scared. Scared because of uncertainty and relieved because I would not have to take the decision 'yes, I'm staying here'/'no, I'm leaving' in case they wanted to keep me. I called James and broke him the news. Before I had said that he noticed that I did not sound sad anymore. But when I told him the news he seemed to have got scared. As I was planning to go for a couple of days to the Northern Africa (a nostalgic return journey after a year) he suggested checking whether I could still take the job his ex-boss had offered us. But he only meant me coming back there and not himself. It disturbed me. I told him to think of that for a couple of days and let me know by the time I was there so that I could ask his ex-boss. The next day he told me he would not want to go back there.

I respected his decision and made my own - I would move to live with him in the city on the border of Europe and Asia. I called him on the day of leaving for my trip to Northern Africa and said that to him. I started crying from emotions 'babe, it is happening. After one year of planning we finally agreed on the country. I am moving to you and we will finally live together'! I was so happy. I thought he was happy too. I hanged up and got back to work being still excited about all the changes in my life. I announced the news to everyone. I had some fears and doubts but I wanted to try and see how it all would work out.

That evening I went to Southern Europe to spend some time with a friend of mine who lives there and the day after I flew to Northern Africa. I had no news from him during the whole day so I called him in the evening. His voice calmed me. But just for a few hours since there was no further news from him until the end of the day and on the next day. Just a small text message at night 'are you back home?'. I was surprised but luckily I was pretty drunk with my friends so I ignored it and replied something sweet and lovely. On the next day, I woke up with a hangover and started analyzing thoughts and messages. I kept changing the SIM cards to make sure he had not sent me any texts. There was nothing. A friend of mine who went to Northern Africa with me and I decided to do some sightseeing of the city. We ended up in the fortress where I was living during my last four months in the country. It was there that James was my neighbor and it was there that our relationship started. I was in the place full of great memories but I was very anxious. I kept looking at the mobile and switching the cards. No news. I decided to call. James answered but sounded very weird. He was very quiet and it seemed he did not want to tell me something. I pushed him and then the words of confusions and frustration flooded me. 'It is not going to work out. We have communication problems. We don't understand each other. We are on different pages in our lives...' And many more - each of them felt like a stab in my heart. After he was done I just summarized everything and added 'come on, say it, break up with me if you really believe in all what you said'. He did not say anything and I hanged up. I was speechless. I was with a friend of mine and I told her about everything. At that point I just could not believe in what had just happened. Luckily, all of my friends were very supportive. It did spoil my holidays but at least I did not have to deal with that at home in Europe where I would probably have to suffer myself in my room, in my bed. 

I called him two days later and just to confirm his final decision. I sent him two emails - one very full of love and emotion, the second one full of hate and despise. I removed his contacts from Facebook or Skype just to re-add them the next day. He was understanding about all the that but he did not change his mind.

It is over. It was almost a year. And now I am single. But I still have hope.

'from Asia/Europe with love' – part deux

It is high time to provide you with the news you have been waiting for – trip to the Asian-European country where James lives. All went fine – you may restart breathing – no points for worries. He even said it was the best of our meetings since the beginning of our relationship. I agree it was amazing and wonderful. There were also some stormy and difficult moments but I believe their negative power was either dispersed or transformed to a positive one. Not to make it sound so light and great, I need to admit that there are some things we both need to work on to make this relationship successful.

I arrived there on the last Friday of February and obviously was very excited to see him again. I walked or rather ran from the airport shuttle stop in the centre through the main pedestrian street almost losing my baggage and stumbling over people. Finally, I reached his house and apartment (fifth damn floor with twenty-something kilos of luggage in the suitcase). I fell into his arms and then we were in bed - the first night in two months together again.

On Saturday, he went to work while I hanged out at home, chatting with some friends, relaxing and actually cleaning his apartment. I guess I wanted to do something for him and make him happy. In the evening when we went out, our first tensions started. I was with one of his friends and his guests. They all knew each other pretty well while I felt quite out of the game with them together. I was annoyed and bored not being able to follow or participate in the conversation (it was not the language barrier). We came back home and I said how I felt. For the first time, in this relationship, I felt what the cultural (or maybe personalities?) differences meant.

On the next day, we flew to southern part of the country on the seaside. It was like a paradise - picturesque views, mountains, beaches, sea and us. Nevertheless, the trip was sometimes intense and tiring. It was when James became a bit grumpy and annoying. The situation happened a few times again (and it would happen on our previous meetings too). Afterwards, he would always apologize me and wonder why he would be become in that stupid way. He promised he would work on it. The same problem happened to me from time to time. It took place during a dinner on our last night before my departure. He said something that annoyed me a bit and I shouted on him. Later, he went home and I walked to say by to some friends of mine. I did not stay long. I came back home and apologized. He said he might not have deserved that for what he had said but he had deserved that for all the previous times when I ended up not saying anything.

Although, this kind of fights are not what I want in my relationship but the very good point is that we always talk about it and sincerely want to improve ourselves. And where there is the will and a plan, there is a high likelihood of a success.

One of the most important parts of my trip to Istanbul was that we finally decided to list all the places where we would like to go, work and live together. The list is pretty long, it is mutually agreed and still we are flexible to re-discuss the priorities.

Overall, tout va bien. The relationship is going very well and despite some small issues that we are working on there is nothing to worry about.

The future is bright.

'the one is not enough'

Human is a really awkward creature. While being the supreme creation of the evolution it is in fact very far from ideal. It has quite a (self-)destructive nature and somehow cannot often cope with adversities of its fate. Will the evolution fix these drawbacks within the next centuries or millenniums? Will it make it smarter, wiser and more intelligent? Will it enable it to live in peace with nature and the other human beings? Will it decrease the number of committed mistakes? Or most of all, will it ensure that a mistake made once is never repeated anymore? Ever? Because making a mistake may be in most cases acceptable but not learning from it and keeping to make them is far worse.

The same goes with our boyfriends or girlfriends. Once we realized that s/he was not the one, once we dumped him/her and got over the unsuccessful relationship, we often tend to fall for another person - who is actually the same person but just in a different 'outfit'.

In some sort of a mysterious way, we tend bump into the same kind of people. We meet them up, we play the same game, and we fall for them. It is often that we do not see how alike the person is to their predecessors. We believe we date different people but in fact we keep dating the same person(ality) who just happens to be in another body.

So a lot of has its own patterns. Guys who treat us like shit. Materialistic chicks who tend to go for guy's wealth and car. People who use us and seem to be close but in fact they just play their games. Girls who desperately need love and affection. There are thousands if not millions of patterns for both men and women. Many of us are just a simple example of a pattern.

Two of my flat mates confessed me recently that they could be only attracted to 'bad boys' - guys with difficult personalities, who play their games as long and often as possible in order to have fun. When the girls would lose interest after being perpetually rejected they guys would suddenly come back with his rarely shown attention and willingness to express affection. On the other side of the circle there are guys who are good. Too good for many girls. Last week, I went out with a friend of mine (K.). We went to an Irish pub where we bumped into their friend - a guy (L.) to whom I was introduced.

L. seemed a bit distant and cold to all the girls around so K. decided to ask him:

-'What is wrong with you? You are always a nice and a decent guy? Are you angry today?'

-'I am not a good boy anymore'

-'Why?' she demanded with a very surprised face.

-'Because girls do not like good boys. The want bad guys' I answered as if I was an oracle of relationships.

-'Exactly! Your new friend is very smart' said L. about me being surprised how fast I discovered his true intentions.

-'This is not truth' K. was trying to defend her theory 'You are always surrounded by plenties of girls!'

-'This is the truth' I added as if I had all the knowledge of the world in my exclusive possession 'because girls like to be friends and confidents with good boys - however, there is never anything happening between them.'

L. was still astonished by how easily I read him and his actions but he confirmed that it was all right. (After watching all the episodes of SATC no way can I be wrong...)

I am not an exception. I have witnessed so common patterns most of my ex (and James as well!) share. This was not a safe thing to discover.

If you look at the guy I met once upon a time when I first went to European/Asian country and fell in love with him or at my ex from North Africa to whom I said yes after a few weeks (days?) of dating, you will see how alike those relations were. They were both guys who seemed straight - not only visually but also they had a lot straight-guys' behaviors (i.e. watching football). They did not have too many gay experiences, they were open about their gayness but only to few people. Each of them was pretty much kind, nice and good. Never toxic, jealous or angry. The type you usually do not argue with. Unfortunately, they also had more negative features. Although they were times when they were clearly into me, generally they were not relationship guys. They would never think of the future and they treated relationship as a mean to have some fun and entertainment. I was, on the other hand, more committed and more serious while they were reluctant to speak about next months and places or simply they would not have this concept in their heads.

And then the most scary question - does James fit to described pattern...? 

Yes and no. He also looks and behaves straight. He is also very kind and gentle. On the contrary, sometimes he can be angry and annoying. He is not normally jealous as he trusts me. But I know it would not be a good idea to cheat on him as this would cause a lot of troubles to our relationship. Luckily for me, he is willing to talk about the future and in fact the clear plans for the next months are already established and right now, it is the implementation phase that is taking place. He is caring and I know he is into this relationship. But... as there is many similarities between him and the others especially with regard to positive aspects I am afraid there will be more similarities in the negative ones. Yes, I am afraid that despite what I know he feels for me I am more into this relationship than he is. I am afraid that one day he will dump me because he will realize I am an obstacle in his plans to travel and live around the world. He will just say 'it's not you, it's me - I just feel like spending more time with myself and traveling wherever I want'. We spoke about all that last night and he assured me I had nothing to worry about.

Maybe he is right and I am simply exaggerating, or maybe I just have a very good sixth sense and I keep denying the obvious signals from the surroundings (that was already a case several times with my exes) - will I know that? Maybe later I will. I do not know that now for sure. And I should not focus on that too much. All in all, being objective, this is the sanest and the best relationship I have ever had. It is just my nature to think too much and question things. I do not think I will change it easily in myself. I just need to accept myself the way I am and the way I deal with certain things. I might be always coming up with this kind of stuff - questions, doubts and insecurities. I guess you can always find something what makes you uncertain (or what you make look dangerous while in fact it is not).

And I will assure and do all my best in order to break the fatal pattern.

This time it will be different.