Rebound

So before I write about my last relationship that (as all the ones preceding it) was followed by a miserable break-up, I will first tell you about my first rebound that happened just a few days after the separation. I guess I am not in the mood to write about the break-up itself yet.

Sometimes I am not sure which of the two is worse - the break-up or the first time you have sex with someone new after you break up. Of course this dilemma is only applicable to serious (hopeless?) monogamists like me. My last long-distance relationship lasted almost a year - we were on the opposite hemispheres, between 14 and 16 hours away (the actual time difference depending on Daylight Summer Time). Always in different seasons of the year and usually I was one day ahead. The longest we had not seen each other was 8 months and guess what... I was totally faithful. I did not even feel seduced to cheat on him. I didn't even kiss anyone. I didn't flirt and I didn't make out. If you know me well enough you know that flirting, kissing and making out are on the top of the list of my favorite activities and I embrace them every time I am single. But not when I am in a serious relationship. So the break-up was quite traumatic and so was the post-relationship sex with a new person. Again - it's hard to say which of the two could be more dreadful.

It all happened because of Internet dating. Of course - blame the Internet. 5 days after the break-up I wanted to have a fast rebound experience to forget about the pain for at least a few hours. It was a Friday night. I went back home and decided to reopen (for the n-th time) my on-line dating account. After a few minutes, it resurrected. I was going to spend 1-2 hours on-line and then go to my friend's place for some drinks followed by a night out in town. One of the reasons of going out on that night was to help me forget the suffering and was suggested by a friend. However, one must take into account that on-line dating is quite addictive. You just don't stop easily once you start. Or at least I don't. I was chatting with several guys at once, trying to hook up having a ray of hope of being invited to one of their places. Mine was not that good for hosting. I also had to be quite practical. It was a rainy night in a big city in the Southern Hemisphere so I did not want to go too far to avoid using public transport or paying exorbitant prices for taxis. My choices were geographically limited. There was that cute Asian guy and he wanted me to come (as in - arrive at his place) but he lived too far. Others who were in my neighborhood did not feel very sexual on that night and they did not seem to be up for any fun.

Suddenly, I bumped into that older (37 or so) guy. He seemed cute on the pictures, his body was nice, he was practically my neighbor and he was available. We quickly exchanged numbers and I said I would be at his place shortly. He lived 15 minutes away from my house. I quickly dressed up and rushed off. I did not even save his number. I had it in the last received calls. I was not sure what his name was. I arrived at the door and I rang him. He opened the door. I was a bit disappointed because he did not seem as good-looking as on the photos. He seemed older and his hair was starting to recede. I entered anyway. It was a nice townhouse in the middle of the city. 'He must be quite rich' I thought to myself 'or at least he inherited it from someone' I continued in my head. The interior design was very nice and fashionable. A lot of white, black and beige. Not too many items used to decorate the place - quite an ascetic house. He did not offer me any water or any drink. He offered me a kiss. We started kissing and heading towards the bedroom right away. His kisses were quite dry. I did not enjoy them too much. The whole game did not last long and I did not like it too much either. We finished and it was awkward. He asked me what I was up to on that night and at that moment I was not sure if it was a gentle request for me to depart or if he was actually inviting me to spend a night at his place. I said 'I have no plans' and he said 'You should stay over here'. And I did. We lay down in his bed and started talking. The conversation was even drier than his kisses. 'Where are you from?', 'What do you do here?', 'What kind of guys do you like?' etc The questions were not very profound. It felt even more weird than right after we finished making love (or let's simply call it 'sex' since there was not much love involved in that act).

At some point he fell asleep. I couldn't. The house was very quiet. It seemed empty. The design was very nice but it was also very heartless. Hardly any colors other than white, beige and black. It felt very cold and heartless even though at the first sight it looked nice, chic and classy. I could hardly sleep that night. It was not easy to get used to a new person in the bed. It was a sleepless night. I looked at the man sleeping next to me and I started thinking about my ex boyfriend. Even a week back he was still my boyfriend and how could I even think I would be sleeping next to some random guy less than 7 days later. It hit me that I was single again. I would have to start dating again at some point. Going through the same process with someone new - slowly getting to know another person, his habits, his little insecurities, the small things he would enjoy. First date, first movie, first sex. It felt sad to be on the single side again.

Later during the night, I noticed a picture of 2 boys at the night stand. I realized that he must have 2 sons and that he must have come out fairly recently. He used to be in a closet most probably. Somewhere there, there was a woman bringing up 2 children while her (ex?) husband and their father was having sex with another man. It could not be long time since he confessed to his wife he was gay (or at least bi) and was interested in meeting men. I was sure he loved his sons but he just could not live the lie anymore. It made the whole experience even more bizarre for me.

Around 8 AM, I said I would leave and go back home. He did not object. I dressed up and went downstairs. We said goodbye, smiled and I left. We both knew we would never see each other or hear from each other again. I started walking back home. I felt like shit. I had the worst headfuck ever. I called a friend and talked to her all the way back home. I almost cried. She comforted me and I started feeling a little bit better. I grabbed a take-away coffee and went back home. I was trying to distract myself with some housework but it did not quite work out. I also received a text message from my friends who were quite disappointed that I ditched them and did not go out with them. I just lied saying I had been tired. I guess I had no courage to confess the truth about the terrible night. I did not even remember the name of the guy. I had to check the history of our chatting to retrieve it.

'Everything happens for a reason' as they say. I believe that once you do a thing you feel you should not have done, there is no point in plunging into deep sorrow or regrets. Shit happens. Better accept it for what it was and acknowledge its presence. The best thing is to learn from that mistake. That experience taught me that sex is hardly good if there is no intellectual/emotional connection (some people might disagree of course but this is the case for me). I can have better sex with a physically unattractive and intellectually seductive person than when he is a hot person but there is no connection at all. In the case of my night, the person was not even hot and we did not speak a lot so I could not even tell anything about him. A lesson for the future - try to at least like/get to know the person before you sleep with him.

June nights are hot!

My life has been like a roller coaster recently. A bit of bitterness and a bit of sugar. I don't think it has ever been so dynamic over such a small period of time.

Within one short month, I lost one job (that I hated) got a new one (highly likely to be much more interesting), lost James as my boyfriend and moved back to Northern Africa. I still cannot believe in all of that happening so rapidly.

It was the month of June. The hot month of June. And it had a very surprising ending.

Before James broke up with me he had booked tickets to come over to Europe and see me. He planned it for the last weekend of June. After breaking up, we both decided (not right away but after some time) that we would not cancel that visit. He wanted to come and I wanted to see him. Despite the fact that it is generally thought that such meetings shortly after breaking off a relationship are not healthy and reasonable. But who says we were reasonable?

But some new facts had to be taken into consideration. They shadowed the trip.

It was just a few days before that last weekend that I was finally accepted for my new job in Northern Africa. And my new boss told me the trainings would start on the following Monday. Meaning I had to be there on Sunday. James was to arrive on Saturday morning and leave on Tuesday which was initially to give us three full days and four nights together. After my plans had changed it was only one day and not even a full night together as I had to leave home around 3h30 AM in order to catch the Sunday morning flight.

James was not happy about that but what could he say? It was because of the break-up that my future totally changed. And because of him that I went to Northern Africa again, instead of European-Asian city where he lives.

He arrived on Saturday, in the morning. I only was not frightened to receive him because I was sleeping after a long night of packing and meeting up with the Dutch guy prior to packing. The door bell rang, woke me up and I rushed upstairs to open the door. Within the next ten minutes we were kissing and making out in the bed. The 'don't have sex with your ex' rule sounds only good in theory. But it was not put into practise. Not exercising the rule on that Saturday morning was one of my most mind-blowing experiences in the past few months. It was so good to be in his arms... We spent the rest of the day out in the city and later with some friends of mine. A few of them got to meet my ex-boyfriend - a person they had heard of a lot in the past few months. And they were just introduced to him when he became my ex...

I was a bit worried about him staying alone in my emptied room but on the other hand I felt it would be a nice punishment for him for all I had to go through because of our break-up. He was indeed sad. The situation got even complicated when he had to cheer up and support my good friend when her boyfriend broke up with her. She promised James to hang out with him when I was already gone and it was on the same day that her boyfriend broke up with her. To make it more interesting it was the same friend who was with me when James broke up with me. And exactly four weeks later it was his role to be with her.

And the last dramatic/romantic/cheesy/meaningful aspect was the fact that our relationship sort of ended the same way it started. Exactly one year earlier, I was leaving Northern Africa for Europe, just having commenced the relation with James. Getting on a train, saying goodbye, leaving him, the place where I had lived for the last year and not being sure how it all would evolve. A year later, I was again leaving Europe, just having ended the relation with James. Getting on a taxi, saying goodbye, leaving him, the place where I had lived for the last year and not being sure how it all would evolve.

But that time it was much better. Because I was returning to Northern Africa.

And nothing is better than that.

falling into you

Life is full of surprises, isn't it? I think we all know that. Sometimes we are just stunned by the way some of our relations with different people evolve. I was subjected to that just recently. The Dutch guy I was seeing for several weeks, having been a cold and unavailable but honest person turned out to be in love with me but then totally cut our contact knowing that I was not available anymore. But from the beginning...

I met him exactly one week after James and I broke up. I just had to meet someone new in order to distract myself from the post-break-up pain. I knew it would help only in short-term but I was looking for anything that would let me not think about James for at least a second. So I went to the gay neighborhood and was lucky to meet someone right away. He was a thirty-seven year old Dutch guy. We went to his place and I stayed over night there. We met up a few times. Most of the times it was me insisting on meeting up. I was not too pushy but the initiative was always on my side. Having heard from him he was not a relationship person and he had never had a serious relations I stopped counting on anything serious. I just wanted to enjoy the moment with him and have fun when being together. I especially wanted to keep being distracted. So at some point I did not actually care that he was not that into me. I just wished to have him once/twice per week. And so it was happening.

Then my last week in Europe came. And my last weekend when I was expecting James to come over to see me as he had booked the tickets before breaking up and we had both decided to see each other again. The Dutch guy started suddenly insisting on meeting up for the last time. I was happy to see him before leaving Europe for good (and my departure is another story for another post). He texted me on the day when we were supposed to see each other. If he had not done it I would have probably forgotten about planning to meet up with him. I went to see him. It was as usual full of nice, funny, interesting and witty conversations. Then we went to his place. That time he was much more into me than anytime in the past. And I did not want to stay over at his place. Not because of him. James was coming in the morning and I wanted to sleep in my apartment. It took me more than one hour to finally be strong enough to leave his place. But I finally made it and after lying in the bed together and kissing on the sofa I departed.

After a few days, I left the country and moved back to the Northern Africa where it all started two years ago (and the moving back is also a topic for another post). On my first day, I already got an email from the Dutch guy. Whenever I replied his response was in my email box within the next few hours. He was excited about the possibility of going down to Africa to see me. And I told him I was supposed to fly back to Europe to the city where we met (I had a long lay over there, on the way to some other place). We did not manage to see each other eventually.

And today I chatted with him on Facebook. I was shocked by what he had confessed me. It turns out he started developing some feelings for me. Him - a guy in his late thirties who apparently had never been in a serious relationship and was not planning to be in any. Apparently, he fell for me because (quotation) 'he found me intelligent, innocent, cute. He was impressed by my international lifestyle and love for the country in Northern Africa'. He also added he had never felt that way about anyone and he had some undefined and unexplainable feelings for me. Given the fact that I am probably getting involved in something new here (to be explained in another post), he seemed to be hurt (although never said that explicitly) and he did not even want to stay in touch. The last thing he said was: 'you are nice, sweet and... not here. goodbye'. He said he would never like to be back in touch. He would not forget me easily. So according to him it was better to cut our communication.

It was a nice, intriguing and the most mysterious story that ever happened to me. He definitely helped me cope with the break-up and losing job in Europe. He appeared in a very strange period of my life. He was a good part of it. And the most incredible aspect was that from a cold and uninterested guy he changed to someone who fell for me strongly and deeply. It means that you never know how one's feelings for you can modify over a short period of time. They can just change drastically. And it is just as exciting as it is frightening.

Who I really am - part deux

My gmail account enlightened me again with its insightful ideas expressed via adsense ads (ads adjusted to you according to the content of your emails).

A friend of mine and I exchanged a few emails regarding our past break-ups and the first thing I saw next to our conversation was:

'Discover and prove a love affair!

A wire-tapping device of computer conversations - easy in use and discreet.'

Well, that time gmail was not that genius. I would rather expect to see something like:

'An asshole-discovering device. Make sure the guy you are dating is not an asshole.'

or

'A device measuring the willingness to commit. Easy in use, cheap and practical. Learn in five minutes whether your boyfriend has commitment issues and break up before you badly get hurt.'

Let's pray scientists invent it one day. I am the first to buy.

the dirty games

When the Dutch guy blew me off by saying 'tonight I am tired, tomorrow I am busy, then I have some friends and afterwards I am traveling' I was smart enough to admit that he was just not that into me. I decided to go out and have fun with someone else. If you know what I mean.

I went to a random gay bar. Right after I entered the place, I established an eye connection with a nice guy. We started talking but as it was quite loud we walked outside. He had a horny look and was shaking even though it was warm outside. He placed his hand on my shoulder and started kissing me. I did not object until I felt his hand going down. 'Not on the street' I shouted and backed out. We started to talk but somehow I could barely understand the guy. His English was fine but I was just not able to get what he was trying to tell me. He was still shaking. I said to him 'It was nice to meet you. Call me tomorrow' and I tried to get back to the club. He attempted to stop me but after a few seconds I managed to get inside (inside the club). He followed me and did not understand I had no desire whatsoever to interact with him. I stayed in the club and pretended he was not there until he left around twenty minutes later. I was relieved but also pissed off that I had to waste my time to deal with that kind of a person.

I left the place with a sense of lack of a conquest. I went to another place but found no one interesting there (and I was not found by anyone either) so I changed the bar again. There, I saw some guys looking at me but none of the was of any interest to me. I sat by the bar drinking the wine. I must have looked slightly pathetic being there on my own, drinking and looking around in order to check the guys out. After almost an hour I established an eye connection with a random guy. He was not exactly my type but 'what the hell?' I thought. I did not want to leave alone. I sat next to him and we started talking. He called me an angel (looking at my wavy/curly hair) but also said there had to be a devil inside me. Angel & devil? - what a cheesy crap, isn't it? We started kissing. He said he would have to leave me to pick up his friend from the train station. He promised to call me in about half an hour. I decided to wait for him. But as I stayed there on my own, without anyone and completely fragile, a new person got interested in me. A local guy from the very South-Eastern remote part of the country. He was thirty-seven but behaved as if he was a teenager. He was a make-up artist, had very beautiful eyes and sweet lips. As tall as me and muscular. A perfect type of mine. In the meantime, the previous guy called but I did not answer. I texted him later saying I was sorry but I did not feel like waiting for him so I had left. Before I realized the second guy and I were on the way to my place. We arrived there and I put newly washed bed sheets. We had sex. Physically, it was not bad. Then we slept together. He was snoring horribly. In the morning, he would wake up and starting talking loudly on the phone (with his friend and later his mother to ensure her he was fine), smoking cigarettes in my room (which I never allow), walking from the room to the toilet, being noisy and annoying. I was praying he would leave. I told him I had to go to work and we left. I drove him back to the center as he had requested me to do so.

It was not about bad sex. I did like it. However, I did not enjoy it because it was too random. I cannot have casual sex anymore and then just have a thoughtless head. Especially when it is with someone with whom I have no intellectual connection whatsoever.

I decided not to have this kind of sex anymore. Going out with a pure intention of picking up someone in nasty gay bars full of uninteresting guys wanting to get laid is not for me anymore. If I am to meet someone I want it to happen naturally. Starting from a conversation and a mutual connection. Then things can happen if they are meant to happen.

When I drove the guy to the center and returned home afterwards, I immediately changed the bed sheets again and opened the window. I desperately needed to get rid of the smell of his perfumes and cigarettes. The fresh air came quickly. But it was not that easy to erase the memories of the previous night.

back in the dirty games

New players in the game - it sounds pathetic I know. But I need to move on.

The week after we broke up I decided to go out and hook up with someone. I went to a gay bar but did not succeed in meeting anyone interesting. I went to another one where I bumped into some Dutch guys whom I had met a few months earlier when a friend of mine dragged me to go out to some gay places. Back then, I exchanged a few words and left home. Last week, the guy I had been speaking to was not there. There were just his friends who remembered me. They said I had impressed him and they asked what I felt about him. I hesitated to answer so they assumed I had liked him too. It was the truth as far as I remembered. So I told them to call him. They said he would not be able to come. So I gave my number to one of them and asked to pass it further to the other guy. He promised to do so.

But I was not ready to wait day(s) to be contacted by him. I liked his friend whom I had given my number. And I wanted to stay longer with him. We decided to finish the night. So we walked out and went toward his place. We did not plan that. Neither did we spoke about that. But I ended up in his apartment. I just did not want to stay at my place all by myself with my thoughts. He figured that out. He guessed I was in some sort of bad period of my life. So I stayed over. We were not planning to have sex but you know how it ends when two hot guys lie next to each other. It was nice. I left in the morning.

I saw him again a few days later. I went to his place. We talked more. I told him about my broken relationship, about my lost job and some confusions. But I also asked him about his relationships. He is 37 but he has never been with someone. I guess he is not a relationship person. He does not look for anyone. He said 'how can I commit to someone when I can't be committed to myself?' I guess that explains pretty much everything. He is just not that into anyone. I slept at his place again but that time we did not do anything. Apparently, it is not always that something has to happen between two guys sleeping next to each other. He just did not want to. A few days later, I was trying to get in touch with him but he did not seem interested in meeting up with me. So I decided to drop the idea of me and him seeing each other anymore. It is not that I was in love with him or that I was hoping for something. I am now in a post-break-up stage and feel like meeting up with some one purely for distraction purposes. I am leaving the city soon and so is he. We both know about it. I rather treat it all as expiration dating. Knowing that it will finish soon and accepting it but having fun especially to distract oneself.

I hope he is interested in that at least.

Tomorrow never dies

It has almost been three weeks since I am on the singles' market again. James and I have been in touch almost regularly. (Un)surprisingly, he, the person who hurt me so much, is the only one who could take me out of my misery. All my friends are fabulous and supportive. They speak about my break-up with me whenever I need and they give me good advice. However, this is only after skyping with James that I feel a lot better. Probably, only the person who hurts you so deeply is able to help you heal the wounds. None of your friends is capable of doing that.

During my conversations with James we tend to analyze the past and understand better what happened. They sometimes feel exactly as if we were still together. But the whole pressure and drama of moving together is gone. He was not ready for commitment. Or maybe for commitment to me. Or simply I am to blame for my negative attitude and lack of hope of ending up in one place.

Maybe it is better what happened in my life recently. Maybe the break-up was a blessing. My life was a mess and it was negatively influencing this relationship. He was fed up with that. It just shows I was probably not the one for him. He did not want to fight. Either for me or he simply has problems with commitment. Commitment to me for sure. To others? Who knows. Maybe.

But as for me. I guess I first need to be committed to myself and later I will let someone commit to me. I need to figure out where I want to live, what I want to do etc. As soon as I am reconciled with myself I am sure the love will come as well.

Of course, it will. I am smart, cute and funny. I am a catch. And I want to be in love. So there is no way I am not finding Mr Right. We are out there for each other.