Sorry for a slight delay in keeping you updated. I was actually planning to write this post almost a week ago but somehow I didn’t make it. Probably because my effectiveness last week was really low – not only in terms of blogging.
Anyways, “yes” was said last Tuesday. I actually asked him who he is for me – friend, boyfriend, lover or someone else? The answer was straight and clear: “Of course, I’m your boyfriend!”. For me it was not so “of course” that’s why I needed to ask.
Answer is of course very very great and even if the future seems unclear I don’t want to think of it too much. As he said to me last time that often from long time perspective, irresolvable problems seem much more resolvable as soon as they come closer. So, I’m doing my best not to think about far future.
Come what may!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
seems so fine...
I’m back here in my beloved North African country after a week of being in Europe (let’s call it business trip).
I was all the time in touch with my dear. He called me a few times, I did the same. We skyped once. Everything seems so cool. I bought him a small souvenir.
I’m still afraid of thinking about the future and I rather try to avoid it although it’s not easy. Maybe, it’s better to just talk about it and figure out if in case we both realize it’s something serious we’ll be able to change our lives completely – e.g. me staying there more than I planned or him moving back with me to Europe. If none of this is possible, maybe it’s better to finish it – as soon as it is easy to end it at this point and thus avoid bigger disappointment.
I will not escape it but I still can postpone it and be happy of things going as they’re going.
I was all the time in touch with my dear. He called me a few times, I did the same. We skyped once. Everything seems so cool. I bought him a small souvenir.
I’m still afraid of thinking about the future and I rather try to avoid it although it’s not easy. Maybe, it’s better to just talk about it and figure out if in case we both realize it’s something serious we’ll be able to change our lives completely – e.g. me staying there more than I planned or him moving back with me to Europe. If none of this is possible, maybe it’s better to finish it – as soon as it is easy to end it at this point and thus avoid bigger disappointment.
I will not escape it but I still can postpone it and be happy of things going as they’re going.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
interpretation of being neglected
It's midnight. I'm still working. At the same time my skype is on. I'm expecting him to sign in but apparently he is sleeping now. That's bad because today, he promised me that he would be on line for 100%. Ok, probably something happened and he cannot do it. Maybe, he was too tired after day spent with his family doing shopping. Maybe, something else. Or maybe... I'm just trying to justify him and deny that he doesn't care about me?
That's actually very interesting dilemma. Either you're crazy imagining the worst stuff and being very suspicious or you say that everything is fine and thus you have explanation for everything that worries you (and somehow you deny problems if they really exist). Which situation is better to apply? The answer is - you never know.
If you choose the first one you may be perceived as someone really crazy who tries to search for problems everywhere. In my last relationship, I didn't have this approach. I took the second option where I was trying to justify everything but subconciously I was denying every negative sign. My approach didn't work out. So which one is better? The first one - maybe even a lighter version without freaking out but with being aware that truth may be painful. Or the second one - the one that keeps you calm all the time but sometimes it may put your attention down and thus you will not realize when problems appear.
Both of them seems bad. And apparently there is no third way.
That's actually very interesting dilemma. Either you're crazy imagining the worst stuff and being very suspicious or you say that everything is fine and thus you have explanation for everything that worries you (and somehow you deny problems if they really exist). Which situation is better to apply? The answer is - you never know.
If you choose the first one you may be perceived as someone really crazy who tries to search for problems everywhere. In my last relationship, I didn't have this approach. I took the second option where I was trying to justify everything but subconciously I was denying every negative sign. My approach didn't work out. So which one is better? The first one - maybe even a lighter version without freaking out but with being aware that truth may be painful. Or the second one - the one that keeps you calm all the time but sometimes it may put your attention down and thus you will not realize when problems appear.
Both of them seems bad. And apparently there is no third way.
is sex a skill? - I have an answer!
Straight after, I finished my previous post I went to my friend to ask her if she thinks if sex is a skill and if you can actually be better after some time (when you acquire some practice). She agreed with me. Although she is not an expert I feel better. I guess we often feel better when we hear what we want to hear (btw, it’s so pathetic). Either it’s truth or not, at least I’m not worrying at the very moment :)
date #3
So it’s after our 3rd date and I’m a bit less amazed than before.
But from the beginning. We met yesterday in the neighboring city after our jobs were finished (yeah, it was Saturday and we were both working). We went to my friends place to have a coffee with him and then we came back to my city. I prepared a nice dinner, we watched cool movie (Crash) and then went to the bed. The sex was good but not exciting. Slightly below my expectations which kind of made a bit upset. It was not very bad so I shouldn’t be really disappointed.
At this point, I realize a thing that I wouldn’t like to be aware of. Out of all guys, I’ve had sex with for the last months (after first break up), I must admit that the best person to have sex with was my ex from my country. Was it the matter of good sexual connection? Or just more than 4 years of practice? What would be the answers for these questions in general? If the sex is not very good at the first time, can it be better later? After you get to know the person and what he likes the most? Can you practice good sex like other skills? Is good sex a skill? I truly want to believe that! I remember it was the case in one of the episode of SATC. And since this TV show had a lot of universal truths maybe this is also truth. I hope so.
Anyway, later, I got a bit upset again. It’s because he withdrew his proposition to do me a big favor (driving at the airport at night – now, I will have to spend a night there). I totally understand his reasons but anyway, after he promised doing this I expected it and now I’m a bit sad (again – fucking expectations).
So, these two things have caused today that I’m not in my best mood. Apart from that, the time spent with him was really nice. He stayed for night in my apartment and that was really cool. Especially falling asleep and waking up next to him. He also asked me to be a good boy in France :) (where I’m going on Tuesday for one week) but didn’t show any signs of being jealous which is good (especially, when I told him I would spend two nights at my gay friend’s place). He just said he trusted me. He also seemed to want to see me as soon as I’m back even if it were to be in the middle of the working week. We’ll see if this promise will be kept.
Anyway, I’m obviously not going to take any actions because of my mood today. I pretty much believe that I’m just not doing good today but no big steps need to be taken because of that. I’m going to be a good boy and I’m going to miss him although today I seem a bit disappointed. In the end, I guess there is no person on this world that is always 100% satisfied with his/her relations (relationships, friendships, family etc). We always face challenges when it comes to relations. On the other hand, maybe I’m just justifying or trying to deny that something goes wrong. Who knows? Maybe! I won’t be sure for now so let’s just not think about it too much. Let’s just forget about that, get ride of the bad mood and enjoy the life!
But from the beginning. We met yesterday in the neighboring city after our jobs were finished (yeah, it was Saturday and we were both working). We went to my friends place to have a coffee with him and then we came back to my city. I prepared a nice dinner, we watched cool movie (Crash) and then went to the bed. The sex was good but not exciting. Slightly below my expectations which kind of made a bit upset. It was not very bad so I shouldn’t be really disappointed.
At this point, I realize a thing that I wouldn’t like to be aware of. Out of all guys, I’ve had sex with for the last months (after first break up), I must admit that the best person to have sex with was my ex from my country. Was it the matter of good sexual connection? Or just more than 4 years of practice? What would be the answers for these questions in general? If the sex is not very good at the first time, can it be better later? After you get to know the person and what he likes the most? Can you practice good sex like other skills? Is good sex a skill? I truly want to believe that! I remember it was the case in one of the episode of SATC. And since this TV show had a lot of universal truths maybe this is also truth. I hope so.
Anyway, later, I got a bit upset again. It’s because he withdrew his proposition to do me a big favor (driving at the airport at night – now, I will have to spend a night there). I totally understand his reasons but anyway, after he promised doing this I expected it and now I’m a bit sad (again – fucking expectations).
So, these two things have caused today that I’m not in my best mood. Apart from that, the time spent with him was really nice. He stayed for night in my apartment and that was really cool. Especially falling asleep and waking up next to him. He also asked me to be a good boy in France :) (where I’m going on Tuesday for one week) but didn’t show any signs of being jealous which is good (especially, when I told him I would spend two nights at my gay friend’s place). He just said he trusted me. He also seemed to want to see me as soon as I’m back even if it were to be in the middle of the working week. We’ll see if this promise will be kept.
Anyway, I’m obviously not going to take any actions because of my mood today. I pretty much believe that I’m just not doing good today but no big steps need to be taken because of that. I’m going to be a good boy and I’m going to miss him although today I seem a bit disappointed. In the end, I guess there is no person on this world that is always 100% satisfied with his/her relations (relationships, friendships, family etc). We always face challenges when it comes to relations. On the other hand, maybe I’m just justifying or trying to deny that something goes wrong. Who knows? Maybe! I won’t be sure for now so let’s just not think about it too much. Let’s just forget about that, get ride of the bad mood and enjoy the life!
Friday, November 9, 2007
dramas from the time perspective
Do you often have the feeling that first you were unhappy with something and then after some time passed you realize that the thing was not worth crying or worrying at all? I constantly have it. I broke up (or someone broke up with me) this year twice! In both cases it was so hard to deal with. But now from perspective, I’m so happy that both break-ups happened. I really don’t see the point why I should continue any of them. I guess it’s quite healthy approach. Regretting doing (or not doing) things in your life is on of the worst things… No regrets ;)
toxic relationships
Today, I started thinking about myself at the time when I finished my 4-year relationship (it was at the beginning of July). At that time, I sincerely believed that I didn’t want to be in any relationship anymore. That I can be happy being single. I thought that I couldn’t make anyone happy because I cannot love and I’m too self-centered. That I only knew how to hurt people and things like that. Now I realize that it’s so untrue. It was him that almost made me believe that. Actually, he succeeded in that. Luckily, it took me not that much time to discover that the reality is not as I thought. I can be in a relationship. I can take about other person and I can love. Shit! Why do sometimes others make you believe that you’re different from who you really are? … Do they subconsciously want to destroy you? Why doesn’t the opinion about ourselves depend on us only? Probably, we’re not objective enough. However, others does not necessarily have to be either. Maybe, it should be a mix from different sources. Maybe, then it will reflect the reality? Do others really know who we are? Do we know who we are?
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