Who I really am

I have a gmail account (otherwise I wouldn't be able to run this blog) and if you use gmail services you have a lot of adsense ads there. They basically track your emails and adjust their content to the one of your emails.

Here is the ad that I have just noticed:

Why Didn't He Call? - www.DatingWithoutDrama.com - Learn How To Understand Men - And Beat Them At their Own Game!

How should I comment on that? - Read me your emails and I will tell you what kind of person you are...

hmmm...

'the World is not enough?'

It's been 4 months that I am involved in the relationship with James Bond. It has been going great. We only managed to see each other once for a week since starting to be together at the end of June. Luckily, I will see him in 1 week and then we will spend Christmas and New Year's Eve together. Despite the distance, I cannot complain about anything. We love each other, understand each other, and have the common vision of our lives and of us together. I have never been in such a healthy and good relationship before.

All is great but it does not mean that I do not miss my single life sometimes. I think that genetically human nature is not monogamist. We are programmed to extend our species and thus have many children (or just sex and no children). I am not an exception. I look at the guys passing on the streets. I have the animal, subconscious (or maybe conscious?) desire to do something with them. I wonder whether all the new men I meet are gays or not. I sort of miss the days when I could go for a party, meet a random guy, have a sweet and cute conversation and later jump into a cab and go to a more private place. I think of playing some stupid games.

Why do I have to feel that? I have a great relationship and nothing more is needed. James is my whole world – so why does it sometimes feel like world is not enough? Why I do I have the feeling of wanting to conquer some new random territories (and dump them once they’re conquered)? Is it really part of the human nature? Or part of my nature? In my longest relationship, I was able to restrain myself from going further than thinking. And unfortunately, that was until the moment when things started to fall apart. When the relationship was not going fine I was more liable to fall for another guy. My philosophy was that if things were going bad there was no point in being faithful because the relationship was not perfect anymore. So it didn’t matter whether the relationship was less or a lot less than perfect. Fucked-up, isn’t it?

So now, I am afraid. The things go very well now but will they be so for very long? Relationships are about ups and downs. ‘For better and for worse’ and not ‘for better or until the road gets rocky’. Don’t I have to skill for fighting for it when it becomes really difficult?

Luckily, I also have a lot of very strong feelings for James and I hope that even despite their evolution over the time they will always make me take care of him and the relationship itself. And I also hope that these stupid feelings that I have will not grow any stronger and gradually vanish to make me realize that indeed the World IS ENOUGH.

'does your mother know?'

There is always a moment in a relationship when it is time to present your partner to your parents. In my case, it is not that easy. Although I told them about me being gay more than seven years ago they still don't accept that. They are perfectly aware of that but they will simply never acknowledge that. In fact I thought that after all those years they would be ready to do that. I guess I was more than wrong.

On Friday, I sent them an email as a reply concerning taking a bus I should take from here to my country right before Christmas. I wrote:

Hi,
Yes there is a bus. If I take it on 23 Dec I will arrive the day after in the afternoon.
And there is something else I would like you to know. I want to come home with a friend. Actually he is my boyfriend. He is from North America, I met him in North Africa and now he works in another country in Asia. I will go there to see him in 3 weeks. No one has to know the truth except for you. I know that this might come as a big surprise. He is really cool and I would like him to spend the Christmas with us.
Think of that and let me know.

Right after, sending that email I started having doubts. "Was it right to send it? It has been only 4 months that we are together and maybe it is a too big step to take right now. I would be a bit embarrassed / ashamed in front of my parents if James and I broke up." I had to immediately call him. I felt insecure. I had known all the feelings he had for me but I guess I wanted to hear them again. He was very supportive and made me sure that whatever would happen he would always be there for me. He said he treated us very seriously and that it was the best relationship he had ever had. It calmed me. I realized that I should have no fears regarding the email I had just sent. It is my best relationship ever as well. The amount of honesty, understanding and compromises makes it so much more healthy than anything I was ever involved in before. The alignment of our visions of our lives and of a relationship just perfectly enables it to work out. We are pretty alike shaped by the similar kind of experience we went through last year. And we also want this relationship to work out. I should not be afraid. Of course there are always situations that can happen out of the blue and destroy everything. But for the moment at least there is nothing that I could expect to threaten our relationship.

Yesterday, my mother replied. Under any circumstance does she want to see him at my home. I should have expected that. I was not surprised actually. Neither sad nor depressed. A bit disappointed though. But it does not influence my relationship at all. It will go on no matter what people think. After all, it is me who is in a relationship with James. It is me who feels great with him. It is me who is happy. And people around should be happy for me if they truly want my happiness.