So the next day after having the fabulous chats with straight guys I went to the capital (with some hangover) to do some sightseeing (it was amazing but I won’t go into details). Although the day before I was connected I didn’t think of meeting some guys on line and then seeing them in the capital the next day. Pity! I had a date… but with the city. If Carrie Bradshaw can date New York why couldn’t I have a date with the capital too? I had no choice to be honest.
However… at the end of day I was walking and looking for some cute guys with whom I could establish the eye contact and then maybe more kinds of contacts. I was unsuccessful unfortunately. With no hope after no eye connection whatsoever I was just about to cross the street when a car suddenly passed. The cute and young driver was starring at me so I looked back. I was hoping he would stop after finishing the curve but he didn’t. “Whatever!” I thought and kept walking. Then I found the metro station that was supposed to enter to go to the bus station and I was just about to go downstairs when I heard the horn of a car. It was him! Smiling and waving his hand when parking the car. I was stunned and speechless. I didn’t move until I figured out that he was waiting for me. Not realizing that it was really happening I slowly moved into the direction of the car. He opened the window. I stupidly asked “do we know each other?” and he replied “not yet” and suggested taking a coffee. I entered his car saying “oh my god! I don’t believe that it is happening , I don’t believe that I’m doing this!” (I know what you may think – I’m stupid and I risk too much. I am aware of the potential threats but I will keep taking them anyway. It’s just me). Unfortunately, my bus was about to leave soon so he drove me to the bus station. This was the last bus and I had to take it.
We sat on the bench at the bus station. My charm was just glowing and getting out of me. And so was his charm. He was amazing. The way we led the conversation was incredible. His eyes, his lips, his smile. I couldn’t believe that it was happening. If I had believed in the love at first sight I would have been in love (but I don’t believe and thus I’m not :) ) We kissed even though we were not alone. Just amazing. As if we had known each other for ages. And at that point it was around 30 minutes. Such thing never happened to me. We exchanged contacts. I got into the bus and saw him for the last time. No, it was not the last time. He came back to see me again through the window of the bus. I was speechless.
Today, we spoke on the phone. And as soon as I’m back home we’re going to chat. We’ll see how it goes. The distance is big so better not to have any expectations (although as you may know me I have already a lot of them). Come what may!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
5 straight guys and me
If you think that I had crazy group sex with 5 straight guys you’re unfortunately wrong. I just met them and had some interesting and funny conversation. They are all friends of my friend with whom I was spending Christmas in one of the country in southern Europe.
She is my flat mate and she once mentioned them that I was gay. However when I arrived and met them for the first time (God! The first meeting was so boring – they were all speaking their native language and I couldn’t break into the conversation or maybe I was just blocked…) they didn’t seem to realize anything. However, in the middle of the second meeting (with a lot of wine and beers) they started asking questions or joking. Their jokes were not offensive. They were actually joking about being gay (joking in an acceptable way) or sometimes behaving like gays and joking about themselves. Even me, I was doing the same. They were also asking some questions – typical question for people who don’t know much about gays. How is it? When did you discover that? and all that kind of things. They also appreciated that I don’t mind either joking or questioning. I had a lot of fun to be honest. It was an enlightening experience. Not only because of that but also because after first extremely boring meeting I didn’t want to see them anymore (they were nice but there was no connection). My friend however almost forced me to go for the second meeting. I did that and appeared them with a pissed off expression of the face. However, I decided to give them (and myself) a chance and initiated some discussion. Then the whole gay stuff began. It was really crazy and funny. I had so much fun. I also impressed them by the way I was participating in the discussion and having a huge distance to myself and being able to make fun of myself or laugh at their jokes. It also taught me not to judge people by the first impression and give a chance later (I mean that I didn’t like them at the beginning because the first meeting was so boring). It totally worked out.
At some point they were so excited about the interaction with me that they were all trying to talk to me at the same time and I couldn’t focus on listening to all of them. I was in the middle of the attention. I’d never had such a cool interaction and connection with so many straight guys at the same time. It was a new experience. Challenging my worldview. It was like meeting of two different cultures (gay & straight) and finding common language. Bridging the gap between them. I usually don’t have this kind of connection with most of straight guys (however, actually it’s recently started changing – I have one straight friend who always listens to my stories with guys and I always listen to his stories with girls – we’re always attentive with a lot of ideas how to solve situations). I must have more straight male friends ;)
She is my flat mate and she once mentioned them that I was gay. However when I arrived and met them for the first time (God! The first meeting was so boring – they were all speaking their native language and I couldn’t break into the conversation or maybe I was just blocked…) they didn’t seem to realize anything. However, in the middle of the second meeting (with a lot of wine and beers) they started asking questions or joking. Their jokes were not offensive. They were actually joking about being gay (joking in an acceptable way) or sometimes behaving like gays and joking about themselves. Even me, I was doing the same. They were also asking some questions – typical question for people who don’t know much about gays. How is it? When did you discover that? and all that kind of things. They also appreciated that I don’t mind either joking or questioning. I had a lot of fun to be honest. It was an enlightening experience. Not only because of that but also because after first extremely boring meeting I didn’t want to see them anymore (they were nice but there was no connection). My friend however almost forced me to go for the second meeting. I did that and appeared them with a pissed off expression of the face. However, I decided to give them (and myself) a chance and initiated some discussion. Then the whole gay stuff began. It was really crazy and funny. I had so much fun. I also impressed them by the way I was participating in the discussion and having a huge distance to myself and being able to make fun of myself or laugh at their jokes. It also taught me not to judge people by the first impression and give a chance later (I mean that I didn’t like them at the beginning because the first meeting was so boring). It totally worked out.
At some point they were so excited about the interaction with me that they were all trying to talk to me at the same time and I couldn’t focus on listening to all of them. I was in the middle of the attention. I’d never had such a cool interaction and connection with so many straight guys at the same time. It was a new experience. Challenging my worldview. It was like meeting of two different cultures (gay & straight) and finding common language. Bridging the gap between them. I usually don’t have this kind of connection with most of straight guys (however, actually it’s recently started changing – I have one straight friend who always listens to my stories with guys and I always listen to his stories with girls – we’re always attentive with a lot of ideas how to solve situations). I must have more straight male friends ;)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
recovery process
It’s not going fine. It’s like a wave. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. Now, I’m sitting alone in my apartment, reading blogs of my friends and thinking how boring my life is. Of course it’s not truth but I can’t get rid of this feeling. I have an exciting job, on Monday I went for a free dance class (and probably I will have more of them from January on), I got drunk and had a fabulous time with my friend, I finished my language course and heard that my progress was very impressive. Last night, I had a cool random sex with an Indian guy. An Indian guy with a European in the North Africa – my life is so full of diversity. He was quite rich so I could spend a night in his cool apartment. Not that I am a materialist but I never mind luxury :)
So now you will say – oh so he has sex with random people just a few days after break up. He must have already recovered. False! To make it more ironic – I met my sex date near the same hotel where I met A. (my ex) for our first date. I was standing there and wishing that he could call me or suddenly appear there, take me and tell that we can be together and he will never look for someone else. Of course, the miracles happen only in movies…
So then the Indian appeared. We went to his apartment, had a nice conversation and then started doing stuff. It was cool. No connection though. He talks too much and he doesn’t ask me too many questions which means I can’t talk too much which I don’t like. I stayed there over the night. At 9 AM he asked me to leave because he was expecting his flat mate to come (and we slept in his bed :) ). I didn’t feel offended or something so I just left. It was actually funny because I saw a very similar scene in a movie watched recently (so maybe life is a movie sometimes?).So around 10 AM I was back in my apartment. I got a call from A. I wasn’t surprised. He called on Tuesday but I had classes and couldn’t talk too long. Then I called him yesterday evening because he didn’t call me (he said he didn’t want to disturb me in the morning). So we talked today. It was really nice chat. Like usually when we were together. We both confessed each other that we still missed each other and we felt bad about the break up. However, I guess that both of us have still the same vision of the relationship that doesn’t match each other making being together impossible. I hope friendship will work out.
And now, I’m chatting with people counting for some random play...
So now you will say – oh so he has sex with random people just a few days after break up. He must have already recovered. False! To make it more ironic – I met my sex date near the same hotel where I met A. (my ex) for our first date. I was standing there and wishing that he could call me or suddenly appear there, take me and tell that we can be together and he will never look for someone else. Of course, the miracles happen only in movies…
So then the Indian appeared. We went to his apartment, had a nice conversation and then started doing stuff. It was cool. No connection though. He talks too much and he doesn’t ask me too many questions which means I can’t talk too much which I don’t like. I stayed there over the night. At 9 AM he asked me to leave because he was expecting his flat mate to come (and we slept in his bed :) ). I didn’t feel offended or something so I just left. It was actually funny because I saw a very similar scene in a movie watched recently (so maybe life is a movie sometimes?).So around 10 AM I was back in my apartment. I got a call from A. I wasn’t surprised. He called on Tuesday but I had classes and couldn’t talk too long. Then I called him yesterday evening because he didn’t call me (he said he didn’t want to disturb me in the morning). So we talked today. It was really nice chat. Like usually when we were together. We both confessed each other that we still missed each other and we felt bad about the break up. However, I guess that both of us have still the same vision of the relationship that doesn’t match each other making being together impossible. I hope friendship will work out.
And now, I’m chatting with people counting for some random play...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
single again
So my new relationship is over again. We broke up because we couldn’t find a common vision of the relationship. We just saw it in a different way.
But I’ll try from the beginning. It’s gonna be messy for sure.
On Wednesday I went to see him in his city (around 30 min by train from my place). We were supposed to have a coffee and then I was to come back home. But he decided to go with me and spent a night at my place. I was happy to hear that. We had nice time together, cool conversation, fabulous sex (believe me!) and we could fall asleep together and wake up together. It was just great. Then we met again on Friday. He came and spent night again. On Saturday we started the conversation about the future (the one that I was afraid of). I said that I was looking for a long term relationship and I would fight for our relationship if I only saw that it was really worth doing that (I mainly mean the fact that I will live in 6 months). He said the same. That was what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to say or him to say that he would fight for us. It’s too early for that. But I had to hear that he would be ready for fighting for something that he felt had potential for the future. I heard that and I decided not to speak about future until we had to make concrete decisions. Everything that I wanted to hear was said.
Then we started talking about gayness here. He first said that he would never tell his parents about himself. Then he said he would never marry a guy – he didn’t believe in such things. Marriage is for a man and a woman. That surprised me negatively but I didn’t say anything. Then he killed me – he said that one day he would want to have a wife and a baby. I was more than speechless. Later, I just figured out that he had different perception of relationship. He doesn’t want to spend life with one person. After marrying a woman he wants his gay partner to become his friend. He actually treats gay relationship as friendship. After some discussion with some of my gay friends I realized that it something quite common here. Maybe not common but happens often. Gays don’t want to be in a relationship with other gays for life. It’s not even about fear about what others say. It’s deep in their mentality. I guess monogamy in this culture doesn’t exist to the extent as e.g. in Europe.
Later I was thinking what to do. I wanted to break up. But I felt he didn’t want that. And I was too weak to say bye. So I said to myself and then to him: “no thinking of future”. Let it just be as it is. Come what may. Maybe we’ll be together now. And after I leave? Who cares! I thought I agreed for that with myself. But no. It’s not me. It’s what I want, who I am. This time no “come what may”. This time I need to have at least a bit of vision of the future. Of the fact that I want to have a relationship in the future. With one person – and that I don’t assume right now that I will have more than one person.
So today, I went through all my thoughts. I called him. We had a conversation. He was saying some promising things. That he doesn’t know the future, that he doesn’t say he wants wife for sure etc But he didn’t say that he wants one person for life. That he will be trying to have such a relationship. That’s what I wanted to hear. And this time I didn’t hear what I wanted to. So, I broke up. Actually it was a conclusion of both of us. And now we’re friends.
So I need to take my time to heal my wounds. Let’s be serious – last time it took less than two weeks so this time it will be less I guess.
We will see what is going to happen now. Another relationship or being single? Who the fuck knows that? No expectations. Come what may.
But I’ll try from the beginning. It’s gonna be messy for sure.
On Wednesday I went to see him in his city (around 30 min by train from my place). We were supposed to have a coffee and then I was to come back home. But he decided to go with me and spent a night at my place. I was happy to hear that. We had nice time together, cool conversation, fabulous sex (believe me!) and we could fall asleep together and wake up together. It was just great. Then we met again on Friday. He came and spent night again. On Saturday we started the conversation about the future (the one that I was afraid of). I said that I was looking for a long term relationship and I would fight for our relationship if I only saw that it was really worth doing that (I mainly mean the fact that I will live in 6 months). He said the same. That was what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to say or him to say that he would fight for us. It’s too early for that. But I had to hear that he would be ready for fighting for something that he felt had potential for the future. I heard that and I decided not to speak about future until we had to make concrete decisions. Everything that I wanted to hear was said.
Then we started talking about gayness here. He first said that he would never tell his parents about himself. Then he said he would never marry a guy – he didn’t believe in such things. Marriage is for a man and a woman. That surprised me negatively but I didn’t say anything. Then he killed me – he said that one day he would want to have a wife and a baby. I was more than speechless. Later, I just figured out that he had different perception of relationship. He doesn’t want to spend life with one person. After marrying a woman he wants his gay partner to become his friend. He actually treats gay relationship as friendship. After some discussion with some of my gay friends I realized that it something quite common here. Maybe not common but happens often. Gays don’t want to be in a relationship with other gays for life. It’s not even about fear about what others say. It’s deep in their mentality. I guess monogamy in this culture doesn’t exist to the extent as e.g. in Europe.
Later I was thinking what to do. I wanted to break up. But I felt he didn’t want that. And I was too weak to say bye. So I said to myself and then to him: “no thinking of future”. Let it just be as it is. Come what may. Maybe we’ll be together now. And after I leave? Who cares! I thought I agreed for that with myself. But no. It’s not me. It’s what I want, who I am. This time no “come what may”. This time I need to have at least a bit of vision of the future. Of the fact that I want to have a relationship in the future. With one person – and that I don’t assume right now that I will have more than one person.
So today, I went through all my thoughts. I called him. We had a conversation. He was saying some promising things. That he doesn’t know the future, that he doesn’t say he wants wife for sure etc But he didn’t say that he wants one person for life. That he will be trying to have such a relationship. That’s what I wanted to hear. And this time I didn’t hear what I wanted to. So, I broke up. Actually it was a conclusion of both of us. And now we’re friends.
So I need to take my time to heal my wounds. Let’s be serious – last time it took less than two weeks so this time it will be less I guess.
We will see what is going to happen now. Another relationship or being single? Who the fuck knows that? No expectations. Come what may.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
on line chatting
Some people are afraid of chatting on line but I guess I may share my experience related to that and convince you that it is not that bad (it is said that one out of eight couples in the US met on line).
Before I go to the point I’ll just update you with my life. My relationship is going fine. He had some family problems recently which made me a bit sad because he was sad and because we couldn’t meet. I also started talking about the future (it’s not actually about the future but rather about his long term goals and where a relationship fits in these goals – I say “a relationship” because I don’t mean our relationship. I just want to know in general. It’s a topic for another post that I will probably write after our next meeting that will take place tomorrow maybe).
So today, I was really bored and I started chatting just to have something to do. I had a lot of crappy conversations – that’s normal. But among all of them I met one cool guy. We had a really nice conversation. And these are the reasons why one should try it. Even if you have one cool chat out of ten shitty ones it’s still worth for this one, isn’t it? I am still in touch with some people that I started chatting and we have really nice conversations.
So people! Go on line and don’t be afraid! As I once said to my friend. Psychopaths are often in movies, in the real lives they are much more rare :)
Before I go to the point I’ll just update you with my life. My relationship is going fine. He had some family problems recently which made me a bit sad because he was sad and because we couldn’t meet. I also started talking about the future (it’s not actually about the future but rather about his long term goals and where a relationship fits in these goals – I say “a relationship” because I don’t mean our relationship. I just want to know in general. It’s a topic for another post that I will probably write after our next meeting that will take place tomorrow maybe).
So today, I was really bored and I started chatting just to have something to do. I had a lot of crappy conversations – that’s normal. But among all of them I met one cool guy. We had a really nice conversation. And these are the reasons why one should try it. Even if you have one cool chat out of ten shitty ones it’s still worth for this one, isn’t it? I am still in touch with some people that I started chatting and we have really nice conversations.
So people! Go on line and don’t be afraid! As I once said to my friend. Psychopaths are often in movies, in the real lives they are much more rare :)
Monday, December 3, 2007
carpe diem & come what may!
The love seems to be going so fine! We’ve been seeing each other a lot of times since we started dating. We used this time to explore each other (not only physically :P ), to get to know each other. He got to know my friends and liked them. A few times he said a really nice things, convincing me about his commitment. He made me be sure about his feelings. The level of his devotion to the relationship is fine as well. Not too much, not too little. He has his work, family, friends and now me. The same balance that I want to have. The speed of our relationship seems also perfect. Not too slow, not too fast. The future is still a big question but I guess for now it is not that bad. I think that when I have to make final decision of my next months about where I will spend them it will be the time to discuss our future. And it’s still something like 3-4 months until then so I guess it’s enough time to get to know each other well enough to be able to say if there can be something or not.
For now - carpe diem & come what may!
For now - carpe diem & come what may!
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