My South-East Asian encounter was a totally new experience for me. A nice date, great dinner, total blissfulness in a park, great sex. All of that with someone much younger, much slimmer and Asian. I could not believe what I was living. I was breaking all of my patterns. But it felt amazing. It felt rejuvenating. It was very fresh. I immediately had to tell everything to my friends. I gave them a detailed report of the whole weekend. I added that I could not understand how it was possible for me to break my pattern and start dating an Asian. I have many Asian friends but I was never attracted to Asian men. One of them said 'Oh dear! There you go. Welcome to Asia! Every guy, no matter if straight or gay, has a crush on Asian men or women. It just has to happen at some point. It is inevitable. I have been there. It has happened to me. It is not that strong anymore though. I guess I am done. But you should enjoy it!' I realized it was the beginning of an Asian season. Felt like a rainy season. A wet season of monsoons.
I also remember the conversation with my good Asian friend over a dinner: 'I have to tell you something.' I said. 'I hooked up with someone. He is...' I was not ready to finish the sentence yet. 'I don't know what's going on with me! I wasn't expecting that to happen to me at all' I was exclaiming. The impatience on my friend's face was mounting and I could see that he was waiting for me to finally confess my secret. There was a little hint of confusion on his face. I decided to be a man and break the news. 'Ok, I am just going to say it to you...' Last moment of hesitation elapsed. 'I hooked up with an Asian guy, he is very slim and 4 years younger. I don't know what happened to me?! I thought I wasn't interested in Asians.' He did not say anything at first but then simply burst out laughing at me. It was funny but I did feel a little bit embarrassed.
So yes, I was in Asia. Another continent I have discovered. And to be honest, I was enjoying that new exploration. Two days after our memorable night of listening to Tchaikovsky, we decided to go to a cinema. I am in my late twenties now but somehow I realized that it would be my first date in a cinema. I confessed that observation to a friend while being filled with fresh joy and excitement, promising that there would be some kissing and making out in the cinema just as if I was a teenager. I thought I deserved that since I had never experienced that before. We went to see the movie. Then, we had a dinner a few days later. We also had one more dinner followed by spending night at his place. One Saturday night, we went out the gay neighborhood with some friends of mine and we had a lot of fun too.
It was a very pleasant, drama-free and joyful dating. I have to admit that some feelings started developing in me but I guess I was aware that nothing could evolve of that relationship. I was going to leave the Southern Hemisphere less than a month later and I had no intention in changing my plans. I noticed that he had started having some feelings for me too. Surprisingly to myself, I would always say to him 'Let's not think about the future and the fact that I will be leaving in a few weeks. Let's just enjoy the presence and the time we spend together now.' He would always agree with me.
But the drama caught up with us after almost 2 weeks of blissful dating. First, he cancelled one of our evenings. I was going to meet up with him for a dinner and then we were to spend a night at his place. He texted me in the evening, just before our meeting saying that a friend of his had called him and asked to join them for a volleyball game. My date was a regular player so he would not miss such an opportunity. I was a bit disappointed but I quickly made some other plans for that night and spent a very nice evening with someone else. Just a dinner to be exact in case you are curious.
There was another drama situation 2 days later. It was my farewell party (around 2 weeks before my scheduled departure) and my date was my plus one. After the party, we were supposed to go to his place and spend a night together. We left the place around midnight and I could see that something was wrong. It turned out that his friend had sent him a message asking him to host him for a few days because he had had a fight with his room mate. The friend was already in my date's bed and my date was quite confused. He didn't seem to want to refuse that request. I asked whether his unexpected guest could sleep on the floor. It wasn't an option - no mattresses. 'Maybe he could spend a night on the couch in the living room' I suggested. It was not an option either - his flat mate would be bothered in the morning in case he wanted to do something in his own living room. 'Well, we can always go to my place!' I gave another option. But that did not seem as a good idea to him either. 'Your bed is too small!' I was tired of all that. 'Well, I can go to my place and you can go to yours. That's totally fine.' I suggested. 'I don't want to upset you and I don't know what to do!' His behavior and indecisiveness did upset me. I was annoyed and pissed off. 'Listen!' I started 'We are not a couple. You can meet up with your friends whenever you want. You can have sex with whomever you want. We're just having fun. No strings attached. But if we make plans I'd appreciate if we could stick to them.' He did not seem to be angry but rather sad about the whole situation. He felt I was right and maybe that is why he decided to finally go to my place. Eventually, I don't think it was a good idea. He seemed unhappy or stressed. It was after midnight and we fell asleep immediately. No sex and hardly any kissing. He was not comfortable. What was even more disturbing was that he left my place on a Sunday morning at around 7 AM. I was too sleepy to get upset and I just cursed him in my mind and went back to sleeping. I wasn't thinking about him too much on that day.
The next day, I received a text message asking how I was doing and also mentioning that he felt very messy in his head on that day. In the sms's that followed, I learned that he liked me a lot but he figured out enigmatically that friendship would be more strong and long-lasting than any other kind of relations between us. I agreed and again, I did not give it a lot of thought at that time.
On the following day, I started analyzing the whole situation and I figured it would be wiser to discuss it with him over a dinner. I sent him a message asking him out on that night. A few minutes later, I received a seemingly vague response with a very clear message between the lines. I read 'Sorry. I am playing with my buddies. I will see you some time soon when I am free.' Well, I know that line. I used that line. I wrote that line! I immediately understood that this guy was just not that into me anymore. I decided not to react in a dramatic way and I replied something calm - 'Yes, sure. Have fun tonight and see you soon.' But then I decided to release my anger on Facebook and post some enigmatic update where between lines I bashed myself for damaging the relationship with myself by cheating on myself with someone else. I published that in French so that my ex-Asian date could not understand. But I under-estimated him. He realized that something was wrong and that it related to him. He quickly initiated a Skype conversation to clear the mist between us. He did not blame me for anything that had happened between us. The drama of preceding Saturday night did not contribute either. After a few moments of hesitation (the same kind of hesitation I performed while announcing to my Asian friend that I was dating an Asian person), he finally confessed that he felt very attracted to my personality but he did not fancy me physically. Well, I never wrote that line. Neither did I hear or read it! It was new to me. He confirmed it did not happen because of sex between us or because of anything that could be attributable to me doing something wrong or neglecting to do it. 'I am just attracted to guys like my European ex. I think I am still in his shadow.' I was quite puzzled and speechless at the same time. I was not quite sure what to say. I thought that maybe his excuse was a lie and maybe he got scared when he realized that he had started having some serious feelings for me. After analyzing that self-indulgent thought I said to myself there was no point in figuring out why our short-lived dating period was over. We decided to remain friends and keep in touch. After all, he was a nice, smart and good guy.
My trip to Asia was over. But as after any exciting voyage, I had a great souvenir - my memories.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I had a fling
The first post-relationship sexdate left me traumatized and prevented me from wanting to meet anyone. That lasted a week. I had quite a few offers to meet up for a coffee or another sexdate but I did not feel like accepting any of those invitations. That was until I started chatting with this young South-East Asian boy. He seemed quite simple, nice and easy-going. He initiated our conversations and he kept sending me his messages. Two or three days after the first exchange of emails, he suggested meeting up for a coffee. I did not object and thought there could be nothing harmless about a cup of coffee with a nice boy. We set the date for the following day.
On the day of the 'date', I woke up quite late after a night out with my friends and a lot of different drinks still mixed in my stomach. My head was not in a good shape. I crawled out of bed, went to the bathroom, showered and started dressing up. It was a lovely and sunny, August winter day in the Southern Hemisphere. I left my house and started walking towards the place of our coffee/date. I met him on the way, around a famous spot in that neighborhood. We started talking and walking together. He was slim, he was Asian and he was four years younger - three features that I had never found attractive. I, however, decided to be more open-minded and think outside the box. 'Maybe it was time to be less judgmental and change some patterns of mine' I said to myself. I found the date quite enjoyable. We had a great brunch and I realized that this young boy seemed to have a great sense of humor and intelligence at the same time - a mix I easily fall for. We finished the brunch and decided to go for a walk. The neighborhood and its architecture were gorgeous and so was the weather. Spontaneously, we thought of going to the nearby park. It is quite a big park on the east edge of the City and as most of the city parks, I found it magnificent. It was an early afternoon of a sunny day. We ended up lying on the lawn like a pair of lazy cats. It was blissful and relaxing. Suddenly, I felt his hand dangerously close to my body. After that, he started kissing me. I did not say anything. I do not stop that. I just reciprocated his kisses. He stopped and then we continued to talk. After that I received a few more kisses again. It was quite an adorable and cute scene - two guys lying lazily on the lawn of a park surrounded by the city jungle while innocently making out and kissing. I can only say that it felt better than it looked. After some time of that blissful innocence, we got up and decided to get some ice-creams. We got them at the local equivalent of Mc Donald's which was even cuter - that is the whole situation was cute, not the equivalent of Mc Donald's. We walked while consuming ice-creams for about 20 minutes and then I headed back home. It was the cutest date I had ever had in my life.
We also met up on the next day - Sunday. We had a dinner at a sushi restaurant. He recommended the place and while we were sitting at the table and I said something about how good it would be to have a bottle of red wine he immediately stood up and headed to the nearest bottle shop to fulfill my vain desire. I was positively shocked by how attentive my young date was. But there was more to be revealed during that soirée. As usual, there was a lot of discussions about life, love, happiness, relationships (including the one with oneself) - the common philosophical stuff that goes through my head on daily basis (probably too often and too much but I guess I have already accepted my brain and mind for what they are and I no longer want to change them so badly). And to my surprise, the 23-year old boy from South-East Asia had extremely deep thoughts and profound reflections. I had no doubts regarding the height of his IQ - it's a bit of a cliché but Asian students are said to be quite smart. As my [Asian] friend put it - Asian parents know how to make their children smart in school but they do not always know how to make them socially smart. I saw a lot of examples of that but my South-East Asian date did not follow that pattern at all. His IQ was as high as his social skills which came as a huge surprise to me. Of course that meant troubles as well. I found him cute despite him being very slim and very young. It all did not matter whatsoever. He had already charmed me with his intelligence, life wisdom and good manners. I was caught. I was stuck in a trap of attraction. Those of you who usually fall for people's mind, intellect and personality will be able to understand me. I am one of you. I felt attracted to his personality. His brain seduced me. So no wonder that when he innocently asked me whether I would show him my place, I immediately agreed. We paid the bill and we left the place - actually I did pay it. You see... not only did I fall for the guy but I also spent money on him. This only shows how dangerous interesting guys can be to me. And to my wallet. So we headed towards my place. On the way, we passed that travel agency offering a hire or even a purchase of traveling vans with a convertible kitchen, bedroom, dining room and God knows what else inside. I shuddered at the idea of experiencing a journey in such a vehicle and my date only shouted 'Oh my God, I hate these too!' I loved him even more for that little example of mutual hatred against backpackers and traveling vans. A few minutes later, we shared a cigarette. He admitted he was not a chain smoker and he did not want to become one but he enjoyed a cigarette every now and then. 'You are a social smoker! Just like me!' I exclaimed in ecstasy. He smiled having realized we had another thing in common. Once the cigarette ritual was completed, we walked towards my house. It was quite close from there and a little while later we were at my door. Slowly and quietly, in order not to create unnecessary attention coming from my flatmates, we entered the house and gently made our way to my room. I offered him something to drink and played some nice music. Unsurprisingly, we started kissing and making out. Some time later, I insisted on not going any further as I thought it was all unfolding too fast. He nodded and carried on kissing me. Of course, it was too late to stop anything and my stupid request to do so was totally useless and ineffective. I should have known better. That ship had already sailed. I decided to turn the volume up to prevent my flatmates from hearing anything and possibly telling on me to our peace-loving landlady. Somehow, I also changed the song and strangely picked 'Swan Lake' by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. I usually listen to that piece when I study so it was the first time that I was about to have sex with this South-East Asian boy accompanied by a bunch of swans and Tchaikovsky. We illustrated that piece perfectly! We finished right at the end of Act 1, Part 1 when all the music along with the orchestra was culminating in their climax. Needless to add, so were we. We lied on the bed for some time and then he was going to leave but I stopped him and managed to convince to stay over night at my place. He did and it was indeed nice to have a cute boy in my bed all night long. We also continued to listen to Tchaikovsky. And illustrate his music too.
That was a very cute, sweet and nice beginning of a charming but short-lived fling. It was a much more sophisticated and efficient rebound than the tragic one-night-stand of the preceding weekend. No head-fuck on the next day either. Just a pure pleasure and that light feeling in the heart... and in my head. So I guess we cannot totally rule rebounds out. They aren't only good or only bad. They aren't black or white only. Just do not do them for pure physical pleasure only when your life and prior experience provide you with strong evidence that you might not be at your best after you perform it. Just listen to your intuition. Most of times, it will tell you what to do.
On the day of the 'date', I woke up quite late after a night out with my friends and a lot of different drinks still mixed in my stomach. My head was not in a good shape. I crawled out of bed, went to the bathroom, showered and started dressing up. It was a lovely and sunny, August winter day in the Southern Hemisphere. I left my house and started walking towards the place of our coffee/date. I met him on the way, around a famous spot in that neighborhood. We started talking and walking together. He was slim, he was Asian and he was four years younger - three features that I had never found attractive. I, however, decided to be more open-minded and think outside the box. 'Maybe it was time to be less judgmental and change some patterns of mine' I said to myself. I found the date quite enjoyable. We had a great brunch and I realized that this young boy seemed to have a great sense of humor and intelligence at the same time - a mix I easily fall for. We finished the brunch and decided to go for a walk. The neighborhood and its architecture were gorgeous and so was the weather. Spontaneously, we thought of going to the nearby park. It is quite a big park on the east edge of the City and as most of the city parks, I found it magnificent. It was an early afternoon of a sunny day. We ended up lying on the lawn like a pair of lazy cats. It was blissful and relaxing. Suddenly, I felt his hand dangerously close to my body. After that, he started kissing me. I did not say anything. I do not stop that. I just reciprocated his kisses. He stopped and then we continued to talk. After that I received a few more kisses again. It was quite an adorable and cute scene - two guys lying lazily on the lawn of a park surrounded by the city jungle while innocently making out and kissing. I can only say that it felt better than it looked. After some time of that blissful innocence, we got up and decided to get some ice-creams. We got them at the local equivalent of Mc Donald's which was even cuter - that is the whole situation was cute, not the equivalent of Mc Donald's. We walked while consuming ice-creams for about 20 minutes and then I headed back home. It was the cutest date I had ever had in my life.
We also met up on the next day - Sunday. We had a dinner at a sushi restaurant. He recommended the place and while we were sitting at the table and I said something about how good it would be to have a bottle of red wine he immediately stood up and headed to the nearest bottle shop to fulfill my vain desire. I was positively shocked by how attentive my young date was. But there was more to be revealed during that soirée. As usual, there was a lot of discussions about life, love, happiness, relationships (including the one with oneself) - the common philosophical stuff that goes through my head on daily basis (probably too often and too much but I guess I have already accepted my brain and mind for what they are and I no longer want to change them so badly). And to my surprise, the 23-year old boy from South-East Asia had extremely deep thoughts and profound reflections. I had no doubts regarding the height of his IQ - it's a bit of a cliché but Asian students are said to be quite smart. As my [Asian] friend put it - Asian parents know how to make their children smart in school but they do not always know how to make them socially smart. I saw a lot of examples of that but my South-East Asian date did not follow that pattern at all. His IQ was as high as his social skills which came as a huge surprise to me. Of course that meant troubles as well. I found him cute despite him being very slim and very young. It all did not matter whatsoever. He had already charmed me with his intelligence, life wisdom and good manners. I was caught. I was stuck in a trap of attraction. Those of you who usually fall for people's mind, intellect and personality will be able to understand me. I am one of you. I felt attracted to his personality. His brain seduced me. So no wonder that when he innocently asked me whether I would show him my place, I immediately agreed. We paid the bill and we left the place - actually I did pay it. You see... not only did I fall for the guy but I also spent money on him. This only shows how dangerous interesting guys can be to me. And to my wallet. So we headed towards my place. On the way, we passed that travel agency offering a hire or even a purchase of traveling vans with a convertible kitchen, bedroom, dining room and God knows what else inside. I shuddered at the idea of experiencing a journey in such a vehicle and my date only shouted 'Oh my God, I hate these too!' I loved him even more for that little example of mutual hatred against backpackers and traveling vans. A few minutes later, we shared a cigarette. He admitted he was not a chain smoker and he did not want to become one but he enjoyed a cigarette every now and then. 'You are a social smoker! Just like me!' I exclaimed in ecstasy. He smiled having realized we had another thing in common. Once the cigarette ritual was completed, we walked towards my house. It was quite close from there and a little while later we were at my door. Slowly and quietly, in order not to create unnecessary attention coming from my flatmates, we entered the house and gently made our way to my room. I offered him something to drink and played some nice music. Unsurprisingly, we started kissing and making out. Some time later, I insisted on not going any further as I thought it was all unfolding too fast. He nodded and carried on kissing me. Of course, it was too late to stop anything and my stupid request to do so was totally useless and ineffective. I should have known better. That ship had already sailed. I decided to turn the volume up to prevent my flatmates from hearing anything and possibly telling on me to our peace-loving landlady. Somehow, I also changed the song and strangely picked 'Swan Lake' by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. I usually listen to that piece when I study so it was the first time that I was about to have sex with this South-East Asian boy accompanied by a bunch of swans and Tchaikovsky. We illustrated that piece perfectly! We finished right at the end of Act 1, Part 1 when all the music along with the orchestra was culminating in their climax. Needless to add, so were we. We lied on the bed for some time and then he was going to leave but I stopped him and managed to convince to stay over night at my place. He did and it was indeed nice to have a cute boy in my bed all night long. We also continued to listen to Tchaikovsky. And illustrate his music too.
That was a very cute, sweet and nice beginning of a charming but short-lived fling. It was a much more sophisticated and efficient rebound than the tragic one-night-stand of the preceding weekend. No head-fuck on the next day either. Just a pure pleasure and that light feeling in the heart... and in my head. So I guess we cannot totally rule rebounds out. They aren't only good or only bad. They aren't black or white only. Just do not do them for pure physical pleasure only when your life and prior experience provide you with strong evidence that you might not be at your best after you perform it. Just listen to your intuition. Most of times, it will tell you what to do.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Rebound
So before I write about my last relationship that (as all the ones preceding it) was followed by a miserable break-up, I will first tell you about my first rebound that happened just a few days after the separation. I guess I am not in the mood to write about the break-up itself yet.
Sometimes I am not sure which of the two is worse - the break-up or the first time you have sex with someone new after you break up. Of course this dilemma is only applicable to serious (hopeless?) monogamists like me. My last long-distance relationship lasted almost a year - we were on the opposite hemispheres, between 14 and 16 hours away (the actual time difference depending on Daylight Summer Time). Always in different seasons of the year and usually I was one day ahead. The longest we had not seen each other was 8 months and guess what... I was totally faithful. I did not even feel seduced to cheat on him. I didn't even kiss anyone. I didn't flirt and I didn't make out. If you know me well enough you know that flirting, kissing and making out are on the top of the list of my favorite activities and I embrace them every time I am single. But not when I am in a serious relationship. So the break-up was quite traumatic and so was the post-relationship sex with a new person. Again - it's hard to say which of the two could be more dreadful.
It all happened because of Internet dating. Of course - blame the Internet. 5 days after the break-up I wanted to have a fast rebound experience to forget about the pain for at least a few hours. It was a Friday night. I went back home and decided to reopen (for the n-th time) my on-line dating account. After a few minutes, it resurrected. I was going to spend 1-2 hours on-line and then go to my friend's place for some drinks followed by a night out in town. One of the reasons of going out on that night was to help me forget the suffering and was suggested by a friend. However, one must take into account that on-line dating is quite addictive. You just don't stop easily once you start. Or at least I don't. I was chatting with several guys at once, trying to hook up having a ray of hope of being invited to one of their places. Mine was not that good for hosting. I also had to be quite practical. It was a rainy night in a big city in the Southern Hemisphere so I did not want to go too far to avoid using public transport or paying exorbitant prices for taxis. My choices were geographically limited. There was that cute Asian guy and he wanted me to come (as in - arrive at his place) but he lived too far. Others who were in my neighborhood did not feel very sexual on that night and they did not seem to be up for any fun.
Suddenly, I bumped into that older (37 or so) guy. He seemed cute on the pictures, his body was nice, he was practically my neighbor and he was available. We quickly exchanged numbers and I said I would be at his place shortly. He lived 15 minutes away from my house. I quickly dressed up and rushed off. I did not even save his number. I had it in the last received calls. I was not sure what his name was. I arrived at the door and I rang him. He opened the door. I was a bit disappointed because he did not seem as good-looking as on the photos. He seemed older and his hair was starting to recede. I entered anyway. It was a nice townhouse in the middle of the city. 'He must be quite rich' I thought to myself 'or at least he inherited it from someone' I continued in my head. The interior design was very nice and fashionable. A lot of white, black and beige. Not too many items used to decorate the place - quite an ascetic house. He did not offer me any water or any drink. He offered me a kiss. We started kissing and heading towards the bedroom right away. His kisses were quite dry. I did not enjoy them too much. The whole game did not last long and I did not like it too much either. We finished and it was awkward. He asked me what I was up to on that night and at that moment I was not sure if it was a gentle request for me to depart or if he was actually inviting me to spend a night at his place. I said 'I have no plans' and he said 'You should stay over here'. And I did. We lay down in his bed and started talking. The conversation was even drier than his kisses. 'Where are you from?', 'What do you do here?', 'What kind of guys do you like?' etc The questions were not very profound. It felt even more weird than right after we finished making love (or let's simply call it 'sex' since there was not much love involved in that act).
At some point he fell asleep. I couldn't. The house was very quiet. It seemed empty. The design was very nice but it was also very heartless. Hardly any colors other than white, beige and black. It felt very cold and heartless even though at the first sight it looked nice, chic and classy. I could hardly sleep that night. It was not easy to get used to a new person in the bed. It was a sleepless night. I looked at the man sleeping next to me and I started thinking about my ex boyfriend. Even a week back he was still my boyfriend and how could I even think I would be sleeping next to some random guy less than 7 days later. It hit me that I was single again. I would have to start dating again at some point. Going through the same process with someone new - slowly getting to know another person, his habits, his little insecurities, the small things he would enjoy. First date, first movie, first sex. It felt sad to be on the single side again.
Later during the night, I noticed a picture of 2 boys at the night stand. I realized that he must have 2 sons and that he must have come out fairly recently. He used to be in a closet most probably. Somewhere there, there was a woman bringing up 2 children while her (ex?) husband and their father was having sex with another man. It could not be long time since he confessed to his wife he was gay (or at least bi) and was interested in meeting men. I was sure he loved his sons but he just could not live the lie anymore. It made the whole experience even more bizarre for me.
Around 8 AM, I said I would leave and go back home. He did not object. I dressed up and went downstairs. We said goodbye, smiled and I left. We both knew we would never see each other or hear from each other again. I started walking back home. I felt like shit. I had the worst headfuck ever. I called a friend and talked to her all the way back home. I almost cried. She comforted me and I started feeling a little bit better. I grabbed a take-away coffee and went back home. I was trying to distract myself with some housework but it did not quite work out. I also received a text message from my friends who were quite disappointed that I ditched them and did not go out with them. I just lied saying I had been tired. I guess I had no courage to confess the truth about the terrible night. I did not even remember the name of the guy. I had to check the history of our chatting to retrieve it.
'Everything happens for a reason' as they say. I believe that once you do a thing you feel you should not have done, there is no point in plunging into deep sorrow or regrets. Shit happens. Better accept it for what it was and acknowledge its presence. The best thing is to learn from that mistake. That experience taught me that sex is hardly good if there is no intellectual/emotional connection (some people might disagree of course but this is the case for me). I can have better sex with a physically unattractive and intellectually seductive person than when he is a hot person but there is no connection at all. In the case of my night, the person was not even hot and we did not speak a lot so I could not even tell anything about him. A lesson for the future - try to at least like/get to know the person before you sleep with him.
Sometimes I am not sure which of the two is worse - the break-up or the first time you have sex with someone new after you break up. Of course this dilemma is only applicable to serious (hopeless?) monogamists like me. My last long-distance relationship lasted almost a year - we were on the opposite hemispheres, between 14 and 16 hours away (the actual time difference depending on Daylight Summer Time). Always in different seasons of the year and usually I was one day ahead. The longest we had not seen each other was 8 months and guess what... I was totally faithful. I did not even feel seduced to cheat on him. I didn't even kiss anyone. I didn't flirt and I didn't make out. If you know me well enough you know that flirting, kissing and making out are on the top of the list of my favorite activities and I embrace them every time I am single. But not when I am in a serious relationship. So the break-up was quite traumatic and so was the post-relationship sex with a new person. Again - it's hard to say which of the two could be more dreadful.
It all happened because of Internet dating. Of course - blame the Internet. 5 days after the break-up I wanted to have a fast rebound experience to forget about the pain for at least a few hours. It was a Friday night. I went back home and decided to reopen (for the n-th time) my on-line dating account. After a few minutes, it resurrected. I was going to spend 1-2 hours on-line and then go to my friend's place for some drinks followed by a night out in town. One of the reasons of going out on that night was to help me forget the suffering and was suggested by a friend. However, one must take into account that on-line dating is quite addictive. You just don't stop easily once you start. Or at least I don't. I was chatting with several guys at once, trying to hook up having a ray of hope of being invited to one of their places. Mine was not that good for hosting. I also had to be quite practical. It was a rainy night in a big city in the Southern Hemisphere so I did not want to go too far to avoid using public transport or paying exorbitant prices for taxis. My choices were geographically limited. There was that cute Asian guy and he wanted me to come (as in - arrive at his place) but he lived too far. Others who were in my neighborhood did not feel very sexual on that night and they did not seem to be up for any fun.
Suddenly, I bumped into that older (37 or so) guy. He seemed cute on the pictures, his body was nice, he was practically my neighbor and he was available. We quickly exchanged numbers and I said I would be at his place shortly. He lived 15 minutes away from my house. I quickly dressed up and rushed off. I did not even save his number. I had it in the last received calls. I was not sure what his name was. I arrived at the door and I rang him. He opened the door. I was a bit disappointed because he did not seem as good-looking as on the photos. He seemed older and his hair was starting to recede. I entered anyway. It was a nice townhouse in the middle of the city. 'He must be quite rich' I thought to myself 'or at least he inherited it from someone' I continued in my head. The interior design was very nice and fashionable. A lot of white, black and beige. Not too many items used to decorate the place - quite an ascetic house. He did not offer me any water or any drink. He offered me a kiss. We started kissing and heading towards the bedroom right away. His kisses were quite dry. I did not enjoy them too much. The whole game did not last long and I did not like it too much either. We finished and it was awkward. He asked me what I was up to on that night and at that moment I was not sure if it was a gentle request for me to depart or if he was actually inviting me to spend a night at his place. I said 'I have no plans' and he said 'You should stay over here'. And I did. We lay down in his bed and started talking. The conversation was even drier than his kisses. 'Where are you from?', 'What do you do here?', 'What kind of guys do you like?' etc The questions were not very profound. It felt even more weird than right after we finished making love (or let's simply call it 'sex' since there was not much love involved in that act).
At some point he fell asleep. I couldn't. The house was very quiet. It seemed empty. The design was very nice but it was also very heartless. Hardly any colors other than white, beige and black. It felt very cold and heartless even though at the first sight it looked nice, chic and classy. I could hardly sleep that night. It was not easy to get used to a new person in the bed. It was a sleepless night. I looked at the man sleeping next to me and I started thinking about my ex boyfriend. Even a week back he was still my boyfriend and how could I even think I would be sleeping next to some random guy less than 7 days later. It hit me that I was single again. I would have to start dating again at some point. Going through the same process with someone new - slowly getting to know another person, his habits, his little insecurities, the small things he would enjoy. First date, first movie, first sex. It felt sad to be on the single side again.
Later during the night, I noticed a picture of 2 boys at the night stand. I realized that he must have 2 sons and that he must have come out fairly recently. He used to be in a closet most probably. Somewhere there, there was a woman bringing up 2 children while her (ex?) husband and their father was having sex with another man. It could not be long time since he confessed to his wife he was gay (or at least bi) and was interested in meeting men. I was sure he loved his sons but he just could not live the lie anymore. It made the whole experience even more bizarre for me.
Around 8 AM, I said I would leave and go back home. He did not object. I dressed up and went downstairs. We said goodbye, smiled and I left. We both knew we would never see each other or hear from each other again. I started walking back home. I felt like shit. I had the worst headfuck ever. I called a friend and talked to her all the way back home. I almost cried. She comforted me and I started feeling a little bit better. I grabbed a take-away coffee and went back home. I was trying to distract myself with some housework but it did not quite work out. I also received a text message from my friends who were quite disappointed that I ditched them and did not go out with them. I just lied saying I had been tired. I guess I had no courage to confess the truth about the terrible night. I did not even remember the name of the guy. I had to check the history of our chatting to retrieve it.
'Everything happens for a reason' as they say. I believe that once you do a thing you feel you should not have done, there is no point in plunging into deep sorrow or regrets. Shit happens. Better accept it for what it was and acknowledge its presence. The best thing is to learn from that mistake. That experience taught me that sex is hardly good if there is no intellectual/emotional connection (some people might disagree of course but this is the case for me). I can have better sex with a physically unattractive and intellectually seductive person than when he is a hot person but there is no connection at all. In the case of my night, the person was not even hot and we did not speak a lot so I could not even tell anything about him. A lesson for the future - try to at least like/get to know the person before you sleep with him.
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