indifference

My ex boyfriend (the one of my nationality) with whom I was for 4 ½ years and broke up a few weeks after I got here celebrated his 30th birthday yesterday. As you may guess it is a perfect opportunity to summarize what you (haven’t) achieved in your live so far.

Probably, he is happy with everything he has except the fact the we broke up (or maybe he doesn’t care because he may be with someone right now – who knows?). He must be happy for having a great family, living in the great apartment in a very nice city at the seaside (he had always dreamt about living close to the sea), being a very attractive man and having a great job. I would agree with everything except the last one. He would always say he was happy with his job but I think in fact he never was. He complained a lot but he never wanted to admit that he was not satisfied with his professional life. Or even if he did that it was always fault of someone else. Well, if judging that by my expectations I would want to die if I had such work life as his. Furthermore, he doesn’t speak any foreign language fluently and he traveled abroad only once in his life. That is something that I would miss in my life a lot (not having a great job, not speaking at least one foreign languages and not traveling).

I was actually thinking of sending him wishes but then I thought “for what reason should I do that?” Our last contact was very rough. He sent me some nasty messages insulting me and wishing me death. Most probably he would not reply for my message or would respond with something stupidly childish. Why should I try to be in touch with him? I have no more feelings. Either positive or negative. I’m totally indifferent. I don’t care if he is happy or sad although I treat him as every human being whom I wish everything what’s the best (it’s my default setting). I don’t love, I don’t hate. Let him live his life peacefully and happily. He’s out of my life. He’s not part of it. He’s N/A (not applicable). He’s just my ex and I even don’t know why I decided to be together 5 years ago and why we remained a couple for so long. I even haven’t learnt that much from that relationship. I’m so indifferent. It’s so great sometimes not to have any feelings. Just not to feel anything. You are so peaceful then and not disturbed by any too emotional and totally unnecessary things.

Contemplating being indifferent!

updates

Mr. Charm (the one met in Europe on the street) and me aren’t in touch almost at all. I was trying to speak with him on MSN a few times but apparently he was to busy to reply although once he told me he missed me and he had been thinking of me all the time. Hmmm … if I only had a proof of that. Right now, I don’t do anything to be closer to him. It’s time for his steps. If he really wants he will do something. He promised to visit me in April. If this doesn’t happen I will just end our relation by being indifferent. Maybe I should have never exchanged contacts with him and just leave it my memory as one of the most amazing events in my life. Meeting someone on the street and going through 45 minutes romance… we’ll see whether it evolves or not…

When it comes to A. (my ex) he left for Europe for 3 weeks. He called me when he was at the airport and asked me to drop him an email from time to time (his voice was almost shaking and he felt as if he extremely counted on us staying in touch). God! If not the wife & baby thing, everything would be perfect. But it’s never perfect and expecting that is too stupid. I actually wonder if I should really make a big deal of that. I know it sounds terrible but maybe he was just not sure what he wanted and a bit confused mostly because of family relations and cultural aspects. Maybe I just should work on him. Seriously, I am thinking of getting back together. I once asked him what he thought about our break-up and if he wanted to be together again. He rather avoided answering the question directly but I could easily read between lines that he did want that. What I like about him is that he is very good person, carrying and very positive. At least, I know that I am not into toxic people whom I can’t have (I was once afraid of that). And I can maintain and enjoy relationship that is not toxic. Score for me. Chances for finding someone increase.

It’s all so fucking complicated. God, bless the one who gave the possibility of having your Facebook status “it’s complicated”! It so perfectly reflects the reality. I only wish I could change it for “in a relationship with himself”. Being in a relationship with yourself is sometimes the most healthy thing ever.

We’ll see how it all will evolve. I don’t think about all the stuff that much recently. I am more into “go with the flow”/”come what may” than thinking, reflecting, wanting to know the future and planning which makes things much easier to bear. But on the other hand I should listen to Carrie telling me: "My Zen teacher also said the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Of course he died with no money and being single".

Whatever!!

what smells around...

Having an intense sexual life may involve a lot of confusing / embarrassing moments (exactly as in Carrie Bradshaw’s case). One of those happened to me yesterday.

I was extremely horny and I needed a quick fuck. In such case, fuck buddy is a blessing – a person whom you call and ask for a mutual favor. You meet, have some short and shallow conversation (how are you? – how are you doing? – is everything fine? – bla bla bla). There is no point in leading the talk for too long. Talk is cheap! Time is money! It’s better to start doing what should be done.

So, I have such fuck buddy. Always available and extremely cute and hot. Met during summer. First fuck in a hotel, second fuck at his cousin’s place, third fuck at my place around month ago. It was time for part quatre. I called him. He was not very happy to learn that I changed my apartment and now I live much further from his place. However, the desire was stronger and we set a time for the sex-date. I came home, prepared myself and my room. I was so horny that waiting was like a torture. I left home and awaited him at the bus stop. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long. He came quickly. A short and shallow conversation later, we were at my place. We didn’t want to waste much time so quickly moved to the main point of the afternoon.

The fuck was great, quick and hard. Afterwards, we were both lying on the bed and cuddling. I was trying to gain back my power to repeat it once or maybe even twice hoping that as a reptile eating once for months I will “feed” my horny desire for at least a few days – I will store the supplies of sex inside my body and will not have to fuck for the next days at least. We were so tired that we were breathing deeply. I started regaining my will to redo things but not him! Not only did he not stop breathing deeply but then also started sniffing and coughing. It turned out that he was allergic to… anti cockroaches detergent. Yes, my new apartment has some cockroaches and my flat mate dispersed the stuff against these annoying insects. The smell is strong but I managed to sleep there the night before with open windows. However, my fuck buddy must have been much more sensitive. The sexual atmosphere and desire vanished or actually turned into embarrassment (of both mine and his) due to atmosphere filled with the smell. He left quickly taking his long route home by taxi (not by bus when he came) because he was too tired – of course not of sex but of anti cockroach smell.

To finish I’ll just add that the situation could have been worse as there was a cockroach under my pillow. Luckily, I found him before my fuck buddy arrived…

drought

A perfect French fry! Would you like to read about such one? That is the only topic that I can write about! It was actually not my idea. Carrie wrote about it once as there was nothing interesting happening in her life. (you can actually find this episode here)

And so is my life. When it comes to love/sex dramas there has been nothing recently. No men met on the street passing by in their cars, no shouting to random people from the car "hey pussy come here!!!", no random sex, no chats with the connection, no using Internet for dating purposes, no dating, no nothing.

I know that my ex (A.) is doing fine. We still talk often. And Mr. Charm is doing great too. He's been a bit busy recently so we didn't have chance to speak much...

Nothing is happening... drought.

Who cares? Does it always have to be like in an action movie?
Let's just enjoy how it is going (or how it's not going:)

I'll keep you updated when I have some interesting events or thoughts.