"yes"

Sorry for a slight delay in keeping you updated. I was actually planning to write this post almost a week ago but somehow I didn’t make it. Probably because my effectiveness last week was really low – not only in terms of blogging.

Anyways, “yes” was said last Tuesday. I actually asked him who he is for me – friend, boyfriend, lover or someone else? The answer was straight and clear: “Of course, I’m your boyfriend!”. For me it was not so “of course” that’s why I needed to ask.

Answer is of course very very great and even if the future seems unclear I don’t want to think of it too much. As he said to me last time that often from long time perspective, irresolvable problems seem much more resolvable as soon as they come closer. So, I’m doing my best not to think about far future.

Come what may!

seems so fine...

I’m back here in my beloved North African country after a week of being in Europe (let’s call it business trip).

I was all the time in touch with my dear. He called me a few times, I did the same. We skyped once. Everything seems so cool. I bought him a small souvenir.

I’m still afraid of thinking about the future and I rather try to avoid it although it’s not easy. Maybe, it’s better to just talk about it and figure out if in case we both realize it’s something serious we’ll be able to change our lives completely – e.g. me staying there more than I planned or him moving back with me to Europe. If none of this is possible, maybe it’s better to finish it – as soon as it is easy to end it at this point and thus avoid bigger disappointment.

I will not escape it but I still can postpone it and be happy of things going as they’re going.

interpretation of being neglected

It's midnight. I'm still working. At the same time my skype is on. I'm expecting him to sign in but apparently he is sleeping now. That's bad because today, he promised me that he would be on line for 100%. Ok, probably something happened and he cannot do it. Maybe, he was too tired after day spent with his family doing shopping. Maybe, something else. Or maybe... I'm just trying to justify him and deny that he doesn't care about me?

That's actually very interesting dilemma. Either you're crazy imagining the worst stuff and being very suspicious or you say that everything is fine and thus you have explanation for everything that worries you (and somehow you deny problems if they really exist). Which situation is better to apply? The answer is - you never know.

If you choose the first one you may be perceived as someone really crazy who tries to search for problems everywhere. In my last relationship, I didn't have this approach. I took the second option where I was trying to justify everything but subconciously I was denying every negative sign. My approach didn't work out. So which one is better? The first one - maybe even a lighter version without freaking out but with being aware that truth may be painful. Or the second one - the one that keeps you calm all the time but sometimes it may put your attention down and thus you will not realize when problems appear.

Both of them seems bad. And apparently there is no third way.

is sex a skill? - I have an answer!

Straight after, I finished my previous post I went to my friend to ask her if she thinks if sex is a skill and if you can actually be better after some time (when you acquire some practice). She agreed with me. Although she is not an expert I feel better. I guess we often feel better when we hear what we want to hear (btw, it’s so pathetic). Either it’s truth or not, at least I’m not worrying at the very moment :)

date #3

So it’s after our 3rd date and I’m a bit less amazed than before.

But from the beginning. We met yesterday in the neighboring city after our jobs were finished (yeah, it was Saturday and we were both working). We went to my friends place to have a coffee with him and then we came back to my city. I prepared a nice dinner, we watched cool movie (Crash) and then went to the bed. The sex was good but not exciting. Slightly below my expectations which kind of made a bit upset. It was not very bad so I shouldn’t be really disappointed.

At this point, I realize a thing that I wouldn’t like to be aware of. Out of all guys, I’ve had sex with for the last months (after first break up), I must admit that the best person to have sex with was my ex from my country. Was it the matter of good sexual connection? Or just more than 4 years of practice? What would be the answers for these questions in general? If the sex is not very good at the first time, can it be better later? After you get to know the person and what he likes the most? Can you practice good sex like other skills? Is good sex a skill? I truly want to believe that! I remember it was the case in one of the episode of SATC. And since this TV show had a lot of universal truths maybe this is also truth. I hope so.

Anyway, later, I got a bit upset again. It’s because he withdrew his proposition to do me a big favor (driving at the airport at night – now, I will have to spend a night there). I totally understand his reasons but anyway, after he promised doing this I expected it and now I’m a bit sad (again – fucking expectations).

So, these two things have caused today that I’m not in my best mood. Apart from that, the time spent with him was really nice. He stayed for night in my apartment and that was really cool. Especially falling asleep and waking up next to him. He also asked me to be a good boy in France :) (where I’m going on Tuesday for one week) but didn’t show any signs of being jealous which is good (especially, when I told him I would spend two nights at my gay friend’s place). He just said he trusted me. He also seemed to want to see me as soon as I’m back even if it were to be in the middle of the working week. We’ll see if this promise will be kept.

Anyway, I’m obviously not going to take any actions because of my mood today. I pretty much believe that I’m just not doing good today but no big steps need to be taken because of that. I’m going to be a good boy and I’m going to miss him although today I seem a bit disappointed. In the end, I guess there is no person on this world that is always 100% satisfied with his/her relations (relationships, friendships, family etc). We always face challenges when it comes to relations. On the other hand, maybe I’m just justifying or trying to deny that something goes wrong. Who knows? Maybe! I won’t be sure for now so let’s just not think about it too much. Let’s just forget about that, get ride of the bad mood and enjoy the life!

dramas from the time perspective

Do you often have the feeling that first you were unhappy with something and then after some time passed you realize that the thing was not worth crying or worrying at all? I constantly have it. I broke up (or someone broke up with me) this year twice! In both cases it was so hard to deal with. But now from perspective, I’m so happy that both break-ups happened. I really don’t see the point why I should continue any of them. I guess it’s quite healthy approach. Regretting doing (or not doing) things in your life is on of the worst things… No regrets ;)

toxic relationships

Today, I started thinking about myself at the time when I finished my 4-year relationship (it was at the beginning of July). At that time, I sincerely believed that I didn’t want to be in any relationship anymore. That I can be happy being single. I thought that I couldn’t make anyone happy because I cannot love and I’m too self-centered. That I only knew how to hurt people and things like that. Now I realize that it’s so untrue. It was him that almost made me believe that. Actually, he succeeded in that. Luckily, it took me not that much time to discover that the reality is not as I thought. I can be in a relationship. I can take about other person and I can love. Shit! Why do sometimes others make you believe that you’re different from who you really are? … Do they subconsciously want to destroy you? Why doesn’t the opinion about ourselves depend on us only? Probably, we’re not objective enough. However, others does not necessarily have to be either. Maybe, it should be a mix from different sources. Maybe, then it will reflect the reality? Do others really know who we are? Do we know who we are?

expectation - friend or foe?

Today is Thursday. My first date was on Sunday and the second one was on Tuesday. Right now, I’m so fucking amazed by him. I’m just speechless. He seems so great. He takes care of me. He’s worried about me. He jokes with me. He has serious conversations with me. He calls me so often. He skypes with me. He’s just so cool. How should I stop my feelings from going too far in too short period of time? Everyone keeps telling me “there is no rush, don’t hurry”. And what’s more I sincerely agree with that. But I just can’t do it! Even he told me this and I agreed with him. He just wants to enjoy the moment and see what the future will bring. I guess that’s the best solution for now. But… I just cannot stop thinking. Thinking about the city we could live together in the future, thinking if I could convince him to move to Europe, or if I could stay here for good. Or thinking that it cannot work out. Because of the distance, of too many differences, of too many obstacles and all that stuff. But on the other hand, you should fight for your love. I told him that. I told him that I would fight for my love and do my best to be together and overcome everything on the way to happiness. I didn’t say his name but obviously I was considering that. Now, someone should slap me really hard. STOP THINKING! STOP BUILDING EXPECTATIONS! Everyone around you says truth. There’s no rush. It’s just been a few days. You don’t know him that well… That’s all right. I agree. I just need to start thinking like this. Not going too far in envisioning future.

I've found a video perfectly reflecting my state. It's about love (someone please, slap me for saying this word), takes place in Paris (slap2) and its name is "come what may" (good approach!). I should "come what may".

Enjoy it!

the tensions HAVE risen!

I was right! There was something in the air! Something has finally happened.

Today, I had a 6 hour date! The date with the guy I wrote about in the previous post (another player in the game)! It was A W E S O M E! He’s 26 years old, has good work, is smart, funny and intelligent. Not necessarily my type but still cute.

But from the beginning. We had been chatting for couple of days before. We decided to meet on Sunday (today). He called me yesterday at 10pm to confirm today’s meeting. Then he went for the party with his friends and I went with my friends. What’s funny is that I wanted to call him last night and do this crazy thing of suddenly leaving the flat and going out with him in the middle of the night. Then I thought that it was too late for calls and I abandoned this idea. Today, he told me that he was planning to call me as well but he didn’t want to do it because it was too late :D It seems we had exactly the same thoughts at the same time.
Anyway, we meet today at midday and went by car (yes! he has a car! I’m not a materialist but this makes life so much easier!) at the beach. It was quite warm but not warm enough for me to swim. We were just lazily lying on the sand, from time to time touching each other, talking, laughing, looking at each other’s eyes and enjoying that very moment. Then we were in the car and things started to happen when he was driving… It was so great and cool that at some point I felt like drunk or high. I was so hot that I didn’t know if it was really happening. I was so happy. We were driving on a highway and passing cars, trees, signs. Music was on. It was so surreal… as if happening in slow motion… Then we arrived back in my city. As soon as I heard “All good things come to the end” I changed it for something more positive. We then went to have a dinner and later to a café near my flat. When we came back to the car it turned out that the it was blocked by another one. There was no way to drive. There was no point staying and waiting there so went to my apartment. It turned out that it was empty! Something really impossible on a Sunday evening! However, it was truth! The providence must have been on our side! I don’t have to tell you what was happening. It was fucking fabulous. Because of lack of condoms we couldn’t go too far but next time with them it will be just amazing. I can spend literally whole day in bed with him having sex. He’s so great.

And after a glimpse of facts it’s time for my thoughts! I shouldn’t start thinking or even writing about that but am I falling in love? Am I trying to imagine us together? Am I trying to investigate his personality to figure out if we fit together? The answers are I guess “yes”, “yes”, “yes”. I know, I’m stupid and shouldn’t be so fast but it’s just out of my control. I cannot stop thinking about that. I even asked him (not directly but I somehow put the question into the context of the discussion that we had at that moment) if he would be able to move and work in another country. I did it of course to check if there is possibility of us living together somewhere between my and his country… I don’t like this stuff in myself. I should just start trying not to have too many expectations and visions of the future. Let me just enjoy the moment – carpe diem! Not thinking about the far future but enjoying the presence.

There are also some inner concerns that he’s Muslim, he’s from a different culture and although I didn’t see any signs of that in his behavior one never knows what is hidden deeply in the personality – a personality from a different world although seemingly the same.

Well, again – my head is almost exploding of too many thoughts. And of course I should immediately get ride of all these imaginary things in my head (at least for now I hope they’re imaginary). As I said let me just enjoy the moment.

Me and him will be probably be seeing each other quite soon and quite often so we’ll see where the things will take us!

Anyway, I’m so excited!

As usually, await updates! They’ll be way more interesting now, I guess!

the tensions are rising

To be honest, nothing new has recently happened. However, I have the feeling that it will change soon. I will either meet someone really cool or I will have a great sex.

I'm still in touch with this Hungarian - the one who speaks my language. He's so cool. I have some sex friends - no meetings with them yet though! I'm especially looking forward to meeting one of them - a guy with whom I had fabulous sex twice in summer before I went for the conference where I met my English ex. The fucking was really great! And he's so cute!

On Sunday, I may go to the beach with guy from the neighbouring city. He has boyfriend whom he loves so we can be friends and nothing more. Actually, I don't expect more - he's cool but friendship will do.

There is also another player in the game and it seems quite promising. I actually met him once through another guy whom I met on line. We were both on the same party and he brought his friend (the one who is this new player). We didn't talk at that time but he got my contact from his friend and then wrote me a message a few days ago. He's so funny, intelligent and likes teasing with me (omg, I wrote the same stuff about my English ex...). We'll probably meet soon. I believe there is potential to develop this relation farther but I don't want to think about it now. We'll see. In such cases, one shouldn't do too much on purpose. Just be yourself and everything should happen on their own!

When writing this I noticed something interesting. I clearly divide the types of the people I hang out with. There are those with whom I have sex (1). Those who are my friends (2) and THE ONE (3) who can be or who is my boyfriend (for now, I don't have THIS ONE but there are some people who I think are quite possible to be HIM - I don't know them well at all but at least I feel they're cool). When I have boyfriend usually, my sex friends are "cancelled". And I usually don't combine sex-friends with those ones for pure friendship. I just have the feeling that it either can lead you to relationship or to the end of friendship. I have one bad experience of having sex with someone who was almost my friend. Then the relation was irreversably changed. I don't know if I'm right with all this stuff but I just have such feelings.

Any my ex - we're in touch. Just writing emails each other once or twice a week. "How are you? How are you? bla bla bla". I don't want to stop it for now. Maybe, there is gonna be sth cool from that (no relationship though!). He finished the last email with "love" (and then his name). Obviously, I'm sure he doesn't love me. I just remember that he put this word in many emails previously when we were together. Now , I've realized that it must have meant the same as now - which is nothing. Anyway - stop complaining. I'm not as happy person as I was before break-up but now at least I'm fine and I don't miss him anymore. I've definetely recovered and it didn't take that much time - around 10 days I guess. Some people cannot recover after break-ups for weeks, months or even years! And I'm fine after 10 days!!! Does it mean that he was not THIS ONE? Or maybe I'm just strong? Or maybe I'm a bitch who cannot fall in love in a person really deeply? I really don't know and probably I will never know that...

Anyway, since I'm expecting new things to happen I will surely update you! Wish me good (and safe!) sex and cool people around!