Wednesday, September 26, 2007

mystery solved

So, the mystery is solved. Yesterday, I caught him by chance on MSN. Our chat lasted only for a few minutes. What I learnt was the probably he wasn't mad on me or something. He's just fucking busy and doesn't have time for anything. He even didn't read my Sunday emails...

I'm more calm in terms of the fact that I know what is happening... But on the other hand, I cannot believe that person is not able to find 5 minutes per day to write an email...

I guess the best thing I can do now is to do nothing about it. When he comes here I will tell him about my frustrations but for now - no actions.

... I'm a bit frustrated

Let's watch one episode of "Sex and the city" and then get down to work! :)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

"can't get you out of my head"

Ok... I'm really pissed off. I dont know what is going on. He hasn't given any sign of being alive since Sunday evening. Is he trying to punish me for not replying or am I just freaking out? I'm really getting crazy and imagining the worst things (i.e. he's punishing me and that's why our relationship will not work because I've had such experience with my ex and I don't want to have such dramas anymore... aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!) I wish I could stop thinking about this and just get back to work but I guess it's not possible! God!!! I hate feeling like this...

Monday, September 24, 2007

drama?

So, here we go! I've just started a relationship and after a few weeks I'm freaking out.

I was out of the city for a few days and so was he. I was having a visit of my family and he attended a conference. He emailed me on Saturday and although I received it I didn't reply. For different reasons I was extremely tired. Alright, and I wanted to see how he would react if I didn't reply the same day. So on Sunday, he emailed me again writing about his day, last hours of the conference and bla bla bla. But he started his email with "It's me - that cool dude from ****** - just in case you have forgotten!!" (**** is the name of the city where he comes from - irrelevant here). Of course I replied as soon as I could saying sorry and all that stuff.  No response from him so far - almost 24 hours...

And now I'm only wondering - is he really mad or something? But the most important questions is whether he's this type of person who shows to whole world his dissatisfaction when something doesn't go as he wants it. Is he that demanding type of a guy? That makes me scared because this thing crashed my last relationship. And I don't wanna have the same dramas anymore. Do we tend to get involved in relationships with same kind of people? Brrr... I hope not! That would be frightening!

Ok, I'm exaggerating! Let's wait for more positive signs of contacts! No more drama!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

we

So, here I am! Almost 3 weeks after I saw him for last time. I came back and all the ghosts of the past (my one night stands) started to gradually haunt me! I have no interest in them anymore! Not at all! I’m thinking how I can avoid them. I’m not using my gay msn or gay profiles anymore. I feel so happy that that period of being single is finally over! And I am so surprised that I’ve come up with such conclusions! When being with my ex boyfriend I was only thinking of being single. When I finally reached that state I was happy. And I’m even more happier not being single anymore! I surprise myself. I think I don’t know myself very much…

But, let’s focus on my relationship. One thing that is really great is that I feel we have really even contribution to the relationship and similar expectations. We have our lives, our friends, we don’t need to spend all the time together, we trust each other, we leave each other some freedom, we don’t want anyone between us, we don’t want open relationship, we love time spent together, we both care about our careers, we miss each other… there is a lot of other we’s. I must admit that the first feelings that I had for him when I realized I wanted something more were nothing special or new for me. I used to have it a couple of times with others. But… there was one significant difference. That time my mind, my common sense were telling me that that was the right person, that although distance you should try! My heart and my common sense agreed with each other! That was something special, that was something new! I couldn’t refuse! I didn’t want to do it!

However, I have to admit that it was not easy sometimes within last 3 weeks. E.g. last weekend I felt really bad. I didn’t have any message from him for 48 hours (then it turned out that one message was not delivered – fuck the mobile phone operators!!!) and I was quite pessimistic about the future. Of course nothing happened and it was just the matter of the mood which is quite better now. And I’m more optimistic about the future.

So dear readers, I finally managed to reach the presence. I’ve written about all the most important stories from my last month and from now on I will only write about my current thoughts and stories!

I give a lot of time to thinking about different stuff (maybe to much).
Be patient in waiting for them!

once upon a time...

All the stories that I’ve been writing about started in June and the last post (enjoying being single) describes the second half of July and first half of August. The time where I had a lot of one night stands with people who I even didn't speak English. We used other language to communicate. The language that is understood worldwide. So there was me with all these guys, me enjoying being single and saying to myself that I don't need relationship, I don't need anyone by my side (except friends and family)... That was the plan.

A few months ago I knew that I would go abroad for an international conference for almost two weeks in the second half of August. I was very excited about this opportunity. Not important why. So, when I was having the time of my life during one party at that conference (internal party for conference participants only), I saw a guy staring at me. He was not my type but seemed nice. I'm usually quite brave in such situations so I stood next to him. He was speaking with my friend so I waited a while until they finished. When they did we were both standing in a short distance from each other. But one could feel the tension. Then we started talking (it was so obvious that eventually we’d start doing that). Almost whole night. Then the next day during the breaks, another parties and so on and on… In the meantime we figured out that we were both gays. None of us was surprised admitting that. We felt it before. It was really nice.

Then I realized he wanted more. As he said he wanted closer physical and psychological contact. It was too much for me. He was so cool but I did not want any relationship. Especially a distance one since he was from Western Europe and I am from Eastern Europe currently living in Northern Africa. With no hesitation I said “NO, but we can be friends!” We were still enjoying time spent together.

A few nights later, I decided to have a sex date with my other friend. We actually had sex before at the very beginning of the conference however it was so bad! It is always like this when people in bed have different expectations what to do. It was really bad but I decided to give him another chance. And I started to think… “What would my new friend from Western Europe think after I have sex with this another guy. But hold on… I’m single! I don’t need to care about what others think since I don’t have a boyfriend!” I went for the sex date with a lot of doubts though. Eventually nothing happened. I realized I didn’t want to hurt him! I realized he was not indifferent to me! I realized I also wanted a close physical and psychological contact! Next day, I decided to tell him this. He was confused but I felt he was happy. We were still spending a lot of time – or maybe even more. Last night of the conference we spent the night together. Literally together – sleeping in one bed. Just sleeping! Nothing happened! It was so amazing. As one of my friends told me – it becomes totally different, something completely else when you start a relation from talking and not from having sex! Indeed it was!

And we decided to try to be together. Although, we both live in different countries, although we are both really busy, although there are no perspectives for living in one country in the near future… And this is not an open relationship. No sex with others!

So now, you will not have a chance to read about my sexual stories anymore! There will be no more them! Now, prepare for reading about my happiness when I’m enjoying being in love or my pain when I miss him!

Monday, September 10, 2007

enjoying being single

So, as you know about 2 months ago I finished my relationship. In the beginnig it wasn't easy to adjust to new life but it later it was ok.

Then, what does it mean to enjoy being single after relationship when you were faithful for more than 4 years? It's simple and obvious - having [safe!] sex with a lot of new people. The easiest way is of course to meet them on line. That's what I started doing. Let me tell you some stories.

I opened a profile on a gay portal and started chatting with guys. Then I started meeting them and having sex from time to time. When I was in a relationship I must admit that one of the thing that I was missing was sexual diversity which is having sex with other people. So after breaking up my dreams seemed to come true. But was it really that great experience? Was it really something that I needed? Hmmm... I don't think so. Moreover, most of the time sex was really bad! I didn't enjoy it at all! And I have to admit that my ex was really good in bed!

Well, to be honest, I'll tell you that I met one guy who was just awesome! His name was B. He was 1 year younger, had lovely dark skin, beatiful smile and one thing that I always wanted - he was muscle, not very much but just perfect. The day we met on line we figured out that we would spend the same evening and night in neighbouring city which is more interesting in terms of entertainment. We even took the same train. He looked much better than through web cam. He was so cute. We took a room in a cheap hotel. We only had less then one hour because I was invited by my friends but we did it twice and it was fabulous. His tongue was doing miracles! Besides, I got to like him a lot since he was so sweet. His tricks were making me fly away. But what happened between us was more than sex... I started to feel that he was so nice and cool and that I wanted to spend a lot of time with him. Some people call it love at the first sight but since I don't believe in such crap I tend to name it "fascination". At that time he didn't seem to care about me and what made him be so inaccessible for me. That even makes you think and want such person more! But later within next couple of days I realized that he also felt something to me. "What a luck!!! - two way arrows!!!" you would think. Well, not exactly... I realized that I got him. I finally had him and he was not interesting for me anymore. Maybe just for sex... Does it mean that if we finally manage to get people, to posses them, later we're not interested in them because they are not attractive for us? Because we got what we wanted and there is nothing to fight for? If it's not the case for you, my dear reader, is it a case for me? Am I so fucked up and I will always be like this in terms of relations with people??

Moreover the experience with all these guys was not something that I was expecting to have. It was kind of weird. Chatting with guys, then meeting them, talking about the same things, saying what you do in this country, why you're here and bla bla bla. Then usually going to bed... And again with another person... I think I wanted to meet someone who was really interesting. And maybe it's better to start a relation from talking and talking and talking, but not from having sex!

Monday, September 3, 2007

trapped in a triangle

I seriously must write all stories faster so that I will be able to catch up with all that has so far happened and then I can start writing about presence not past (and believe a lot of things is happening now!)

So triangle - the most intensive, unexpected story! When I moved to my flat it turned out that I live with one gay who had a lot of friends who were almost every day here. That was actually the biggest cultural shock for me at that time. Learning that there is a lot of gays in this country. Before coming here I had assumed that I would not have gay life at all. And? Surprise! I had never met that many gays at one day before! Two weeks later I became his room mate. His name is N. We liked each other (as friends). We talked a lot and spent quite a lot of time together. It was great to have such person there. There was potential for real friendship.

But then... Me and our friends went for a trip to a small and charming city by car. And something happened in the car... And then I realized I felt more than just a friendship. But he didn't... If there were only three of us... There was also M - another guy. And the most fun and weird part of the story. I started to feel sth to N. N felt something to M and M something to me. A triangle with one way arrows! A vicious circle. Later, one more person joined the triangle - D! And... she was girl. Yes, M was bi so he had both arrows for me and for her. And she (a very good friend of who is my faithful reader - kisses for you!) had some arrows for him. I will just tell you that next weeks were sources of confusions for everyone. There was too many arrows , too much pressure - just too much drama! The most weird situation was when we almost had threesome in the bed!! Almost. Nothing happened eventually. M couldn't do it. Probably because too much feelings were involved. Everyone in that triangle wanted to have sex with someone else and arrows were only one way. "I love you but you don't love me." Just imagine how weird and confusing it was to stop sex at some point before things actually started. How embarrasing!

Then D left. Each of us gradually was realizing that no arrows had future and that no relations would be developed. They started to weaken and suddenly they were gone! A miracle - a Great Dissolution of the Triangle! It definetely happened and although I still have the same room mate (N) there are no more arrows. However, our relation is not like it was before arrows. Something is different. Something has irreversably changed.

But the experience was exceptional. Although it wasn't easy it was interesting. One very important learning point - Never have sex with your friends unless they are only sex-friends and you don't care whether they are your true friends or not!

This a very short version of the story. As soon as I reach present time I will give you more details about facts and my thoughts in terms of current stories! For questions use comments to ask me.